Chapter 61: Bombshell

August 1985, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

I sat bolt upright in the bed, with Bethany's words crashing around inside my head. Andrew had asked her to marry him. I instantly developed a severe throbbing headache and my heart began racing. I tried to take a deep breath but choked on the air. I put my hands on my temples, drew my knees up to my chest, and rested my elbows on them.

"Steve?" Bethany said softly.

I wanted to respond, but I couldn't speak. It was as if every neuron in my brain had seized, except the ones that kept my heart going. I managed to take a shallow breath and followed it with another one. My heart was pounding in my chest and I suddenly felt nauseated as adrenaline flooded into my bloodstream.

"Steve?!" Bethany said with more urgency. "Talk to me, please!"

I managed to shake my head a bit. I couldn't talk. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was physically unable to. My dinner, the booze, and the sweets threatened to come up unbidden, but somehow I kept them down. I felt Bethany get out of bed and then I heard the door open. A minute later, another voice called my name.

"Steve?" Stephanie said.

The pounding in my head only got worse the more I tried to will it away. I heard Stephanie ask Bethany what happened and Bethany's answer hit me just as hard as it had the first time I'd heard it.

"Thursday night, at the library, Andrew asked me to marry him."

"Shit," my sister breathed. "We need Kara or Elyse. Now!"

I heard movement, but didn't really care. I managed to move and lie down, but remained curled up in a ball. I clutched a pillow to me and someone covered me with the blanket and rubbed my shoulder. I lay there, barely breathing, trying to relax and will away the headache and nausea, but the pressure in my temples remained, and my stomach churned. I had no idea how long it was before I heard another voice.

"Snuggle Bear? It's me, Kara. Sofia's here, too. Come on, sit up."

I tried again to take a deep breath, and this time managed it without choking. A few more of those and the pounding in my head diminished enough that I released my death-grip on the pillow, and then, a minute later, managed to sit up.

"Jesus, Big Brother, you scared the hell out of us. I was about to call the Life Squad," Stephanie said.

"You might still want to do that," Sofia said. "He looks like his blood pressure went through the roof."

I shook my head slightly, as the feeling of a gnome with a sledgehammer pounding inside my head began to subside and my stomach calmed a bit. A few minutes later, I felt mostly human again.

"Sorry," I said.

"A combination of ouzo, thick coffee, sweet desserts, and adrenaline," Bethany said. "I should have waited until tomorrow."

"You should have told him Thursday night!" Stephanie snapped, her voice quivering with barely restrained rage.

"That's not helping, Stephanie!" Kara said firmly. "Go back to bed."

"Who died and left YOU in charge?" Stephanie seethed, sounding like she was going to bite Kara's head off.

"Nobody," Kara said firmly. "But I'm going to pick up these pieces. Go back to bed! Now!"

I saw my sister cross her arms and spread her feet a bit, looking very much like an immovable object. Unfortunately for Stephanie, Kara was the irresistible force, and the irresistible force won. Kara grabbed Stephanie's arm and marched her out of the room against her will. Kara was back a moment later.

"Bethany, go have some tea or something. Sofia, please go with her," Kara said, having fully taken charge of the room.

Bethany and Sofia left, and Kara shut and locked the door behind them. Before I could protest, she shed her clothes and climbed into bed with me and pulled me to her, cuddling me in a perfect reversal of our usual positions.

"Ready to talk?" she asked about ten minutes later.

"I don't even know what to say," I said. "I felt like my head and chest were going to explode and my stomach was doing backflips."

"You and Bethany are going to have to talk this out. She didn't say that she said 'yes', did she?"

"No. But if she'd said 'no', wouldn't she have said something about turning down his proposal?"

"Don't assume anything, Snuggle Bear. Do you want her?" Kara asked.

"What kind of question is THAT?" I hissed.

"A perfectly valid one. You let Stephie walk away when the same thing happened with her."

"Red didn't propose!" I protested.

"Really? What did he do? Ask his one true love on a date to see if they might be compatible? Seriously? When he asked her out, he was being polite to you. What he was asking Stephie for was her hand in marriage!"

"You're right," I sighed. "As usual."

"And you chose not to fight for her. Are you going to fight for Bethany or just let her walk away?"

"What do you mean? I told her I was ready! She knows that. Honestly, I don't see why she would tell me what she did unless she was going to say 'yes' to him. Or she was seriously considering it. Now she has me wondering if she was honest with me about Andrew."

"In what way?"

"On Monday, I asked her if there was something brewing between her and Andrew that I should worry about. She said there wasn't, that except for simple good-night kisses, it had just been dinners and movies."

"And you think she might have done more?"

"I have no idea. I want to trust her, but honestly, when I was curled up in that ball in the bed, pictures of her with him flashed through my head."

"Don't let your imagination get the best of you! Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Let your heart guide you. And remember, she loves you."

"Stephie loved me, too," I sighed.

"You let her walk away, Steve. She would have stayed. You know it. I know it. And Red sure as heck knows it! You let Katt walk away as well. And Melanie. And Jennifer. Do you see a pattern?"

"I didn't let you walk away! I tried to fight for you, but you refused to let me!"

"I know. But until you talk to Bethany, you won't know what's going on. And you have to stay calm, cool, and collected no matter what. You can't let your emotions run away from you."

"Did my sister actually go to bed?" I asked. "She might be about to commit a murder."

"I told Ed to keep her in his room. She was pissed, but I think she'll stay put."

"I bet she was pissed," I agreed. "The lioness came out to protect her cub."

"I was thinking mama bear, but yes, the same idea," Kara said. "Are you ready to talk to Bethany?"

"Yes and no," I replied with resignation. "I'm not sure I want to hear what she has to say."

"One way or the other, you need to hear it," Kara said.

"I know. I know. OK. Let me put on my PJs."

"That sounds funny coming from a grown man, but go on!" Kara giggled.

I put on my silk pyjamas and Kara got dressed. She took my hand and led me downstairs to where Bethany and Sofia were sitting at the kitchen table.

"Sofia, let's go home," Kara said. "They need to talk. Is there enough tea made for Steve?"

"There's a fresh pot," Sofia said. "Are you going to be OK, Steve?"

"Yes. Thanks for coming, both of you," I said.

They each hugged me and gave me a quick kiss, then left to go back to Kara's house. I poured myself some tea and sat down at the kitchen table with Bethany.

"I guess we need to talk," I said.

"I guess so," she agreed.

"I think you have to go first," I said, bracing myself for whatever it was that she was going to tell me.

"I suspect that you're wondering how we went from me telling you on Monday that there was nothing to worry about to me telling you that he proposed on Thursday."

I nodded, took a deep breath, and said, "Among other things."

"It was no secret that he'd fallen for me. I just didn't realize how far and how hard. Now I know."

"Now you know," I repeated softly. "And all those trips to the library. How much was studying and how much was Andrew?"

Bethany looked down and contemplated her tea. That spoke volumes, and I knew what she was going to say before she said it.

"Mostly him. I did my research, but I spent a lot of time talking to him while he was on break or wasn't scheduled for work."

"Did you answer him?" I asked.

She looked down but slowly shook her head, indicating she hadn't, but not saying so.

"Bethany, Sweetheart, look at me," I said.

She slowly looked up.

"But you're considering it, aren't you?" I asked.

She nodded, and tears began streaming down her face. I took a couple of deep breaths and willed myself to remain calm. If I wanted her, and I most certainly did, losing my cool was not the way to win her over. Instead, I moved from sitting across from her to sitting next to her, and put my arm around her and held her while she cried. She put her head on my shoulder and I felt warm tears dripping slowly onto the sleeve of my pyjama top.

"Are you angry with me?" she asked.

"No," I said softly. "It's not anger I'm feeling, it's, well, I don't even know what it is. Fear combined with uncertainty? No, terror combined with complete upheaval."

"Terror?" she asked.

"That I've somehow done something horribly wrong that's led us to this point when I thought that we were ready to get engaged ourselves."

"Oh, no, Steve, you haven't! You really haven't! I'm the one who's confused and messed up. You've been about as perfect a man as I could ever have asked for!"

"Assuming that's true," I replied, "which I don't necessarily believe, then what's the problem?"

Bethany sighed, "I guess the same thing it's always been. Right when we're there, something happens to mess it up."

"Are you sure it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy? That you expect it to go bad, so you find a way to make it go bad?"

"Maybe," she said. "I honestly don't know."

"So what do we do? I'm not ready to throw in the towel and give up on this, Sweetheart. I'm going to fight for you."

She smiled, "I didn't think you were just going to let me walk away."

"No, I'm not, but you and I both know that in the end, I can't stop you. I love you more than anything in the world, but maybe that's not enough."

"I love you, too," she said. "More than anything in the world."

"And yet, here we are, sitting at your dining room table, deciding whether or not we belong together. Can I ask a very delicate question?"

"Go on," she said.

"Did you sleep with him?" I asked. "Is that why you can't make love with me?"

She sighed deeply, "No, I didn't. We haven't done anything but just quick goodnight kisses. But I wanted to sleep with him. Badly."

"I see," I said carefully.

"I didn't, and I wouldn't. Not unless I told you beforehand."

"Then why the cold shoulder the last few nights?" I asked.

Bethany sipped her tea and said nothing for about two minutes, then refilled her cup.

"Because I was considering saying 'yes', and it didn't feel right to make love with you until I decided how to answer him."

I nodded, "I knew when you told me that he'd asked, you had either said 'yes' or were thinking about saying 'yes'. If your answer had been 'no', then you would have handled telling me differently."

"Which is why you pretty much vapor locked when I said it."

"Yes. But I've kept something from you for a couple of months that I need to tell you about."

"What's that?" she asked, looking me directly in the eyes.

"Nothing I've lied about, just something that I didn't tell you. Jessica proposed to me in April."

Bethany smiled, "I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that revelation. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I chose you, Bethany. Even then, I knew it; I just hadn't wrapped my head around it."

"Did you consider saying 'yes' to her?"

"Not in any serious way. In a sense, it's not much different from Elyse's proposal from almost four years ago. That was before Kara's meltdown and before I knew Jennifer was a lesbian. Sure, I thought about it, but I wouldn't say I seriously considered it. Elyse has repeated her request, even recently, but I chose you."

"Aren't we quite the pair?" she said with a wan smile.

"We are," I replied. "What do you want to do?"

"I wish I knew," she sighed.

"The fact that you say that you don't know tells me that you probably do know, and that you're afraid to say it."

"That doesn't sound like you fighting," she said.

"Sure it does. If I lose my cool, I lose. I didn't tell you the same thing that I told Stephie, which was basically that she should go to Red if that's what she wanted to do. I'm telling you that I want you to stay. Well, you can stay with me forever no matter what, but you know what I mean."

"I do."

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" I asked.

"No. When could I talk to anyone? It only happened on Thursday night and I've been with you all the time except for when I was in class and you were having lunch at Becky's house."

"True. But what about wanting to make love with Andrew?"

"No," she said. "I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to even admit it to myself."

"And what would you tell me if I said that to you?" I asked with a wry smile.

"Now you're fighting dirty!" Bethany replied with a smile.

"At least you're smiling instead of crying," I said.

"I think this either ends with us both smiling or both crying, and I'm not sure which. I'm not even sure which decision creates which result," she said, sounding exasperated.

"I'd say you have a decision to make. I've made mine."

"Will you make love with me?" she asked.

"No," I said firmly. "Absolutely not."

"Why?"

"Because of my rule. I think you have decided, Bethany. I think you decided the second he asked you. And that makes you off limits."

She slumped against me and I put my arm back around her and held her while she cried. I knew exactly where this was leading, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away and hide, so I didn't have to hear what she was eventually going to say once she worked up the courage to say it out loud. I wasn't going to freak out, or run, or even cry. That wasn't going to happen. That was the old me. The new me wasn't going to react that way. Well, except for crying; I was going to try not to cry, but I might actually do that.

With my free hand, I poured myself more lemon tea and then sipped it from my cup. It was a waiting game for me, as it had been for several weeks. Bethany was going to have to decide what it was she wanted. And she was going to have to say it out loud, and then live with the consequences. We both were.

"What did Kara say to you?" Bethany asked when she managed to stop crying.

"That I had to talk to you. And I had to decide if I was going to let you just walk away. I told her that I wasn't. So here I am, not letting you just walk away, but knowing I can't stop you if that's what you decide to do."

"She's really changed and matured, and turned into a fantastic young woman," Bethany said. "She always worried me before, but it turns out that your instincts were right about her."

"So it would appear," I said.

I had the feeling that Bethany was trying to delay the inevitable and that she just couldn't bring herself to say what she was thinking.

"Can we go up to bed?" Bethany asked.

"We can, but you still haven't answered me."

"Come up to bed," she said.

I put the cups in the sink and set the teapot on the counter. We went upstairs to bed and Bethany stripped off the sleep shirt that she'd put on. I kept my pyjamas on and got into bed next to her.

"Pyjamas?" she asked.

"Yes. I told you why, Sweetheart."

"Make love to me, please?" she asked.

"Will you answer a question for me? A 'yes or no' answer. No equivocation."

"Sure."

"Bethany Michelle Krajick, Sweetheart, I love you. Will you marry me?"

"I uh, uhm, what?"

"You heard me. Will you marry me?"

"No," she whispered.

"And that's why I won't make love to you. You've decided to marry Andrew."

"No, I haven't."

"Is it really that hard to admit it? You said 'no' to me. If that's not a 'yes' to Andrew, what is it?"

"I hate you," she whispered.

"Do you? Really? What happened to being best friends forever? All I did was ask a simple question. You answered. Tell me that I'm wrong. Go on."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, starting to cry again. "Why are you being mean?"

"Mean? For pushing you to tell me how you really feel? For trying to get you to tell me what you really want? Haven't you been doing that to me for years? Now, when I've finally done what you want, you won't do the same for me."

Bethany turned and buried her face in her pillow and cried hard. I put my hand on her back and moved close to her. I let her cry until she had cried herself out, and then she turned and sat up. She leaned against the headboard and pulled the blanket up to cover her chest.