Chapter 30: Consultations and Confrontations

March, 1985, Chicago, Illinois

"Why do you say that?" I asked as we got into my car.

"Jessica wants you. She gets what she wants. You haven't got a prayer."

"You think that I'm in some sort of thrall of her? That she can simply tell me what to do and I'll do it?"

"No. But she'll propose to you and I think that there's a very good chance that you'll say 'yes'."

"And you think she's going to accept our relationship?"

"Would she have bothered to ask to meet me if she wasn't going to? If you were honest with her, then she decided it was OK long before we walked into Connie's. When Jessica comes to Chicago on the 12th, I want to talk to her, alone. She needs to know exactly what she's walking into."

"I've been honest and up-front with her," I said.

"I'm sure you have, Snuggle Bear. But she needs to hear a woman's perspective. And she needs to know what being with you will be like. I mean, what it's really like."

"Are you trying to talk her out of it? Or help Bethany?"

Kara smiled, "Bethany needs no help! Bethany has been with you for nearly nine years. She knows what it's like to be with you and is acutely aware of what it will be like for the next sixty or seventy years. Jessica has no idea."

"You said Bethany was in trouble. Now you say she doesn't need any help. I'm confused."

"Only you can decide what to do. Nobody can help either girl, because trying to influence you would only backfire in the long run. You have a very, very interesting choice between these two girls. Well, assuming you've truly decided that Penny, Sofia, and Karin are truly off the table."

"I think all three of them took themselves off the table because they can't handle what Jorge called Cirque du Steve," I chuckled.

"He's right! Your life pretty much is a circus, isn't it?" Kara giggled. "And most girls can't handle it. But there's one thing to consider. Why is Jessica willing to put up with this? It's one thing for all of us broken, damaged girls to seek refuge with someone who loves us with no reservations. It's a very different thing for a girl who is strong, independent, and mentally stable."

"Wait a minute! Are you saying that Bethany is mentally unstable? Really?"

"Perhaps not at this point, though I'm sure the accident took a toll. But when you met her? And for the first few years? Yes. And so was I; I just didn't realize it. Jennifer certainly still is. And we've been your core girls since I met you. Sofia is a special case, but Karin? Was she mentally balanced when she pretended to be her dead sister and had sex with you?"

I sighed, "No."

"You've collected quite a few girls who have been horribly damaged. Jessica isn't like the rest of us."

We pulled into the driveway of the house and walked inside. I wanted to keep talking, so we went to the kitchen and I made tea, and then we took it to the Indian room.

"I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me," I said.

"All of us need you. Jessica wants you."

"I'm not sure that I buy that. I think Jessica has a need that I would fill. Why would she accept the situation otherwise?"

"That's a good point, but I think she's different."

"What do you think of her? I'd like your honest opinion."

"She seems very nice, very smart, and very driven. She's quite pretty, though she dresses to hide it."

I nodded, "She's in a seriously 'Alpha Male' environment where the girls are treated like crap. Think IIT, only worse. At least at IIT, the girls are treated fairly well. They're just seriously outnumbered. But what's your opinion?"

"Are you asking me if you should marry her?"

"No! I know better than that!" I grinned. "If I married her, would you be OK with it?"

"So the man who refuses hypothetical questions wants me to answer a hypothetical question?" Kara smirked.

"I believe my response is supposed to be 'humor me'," I chuckled.

"It's hard to answer from one conversation. I know Bethany really, really well. I'm totally comfortable with her and I could easily live with her for the rest of my life. I could even see sharing your bed, if that's what the two of you wanted. I don't know that about Jessica. It's too soon to tell."

Share our bed? That was a question for another time.

I nodded, "I suppose that's a fair answer."

"Are you really considering that possibility? This isn't just a lark?"

"I don't know what's going on," I said. "I don't feel like I'm in control."

"I noticed. She is in complete control of the situation. And you."

"Shit!" I said softly. "She's taking advantage of my submissive nature in relationships, isn't she?"

"Yes. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe that's exactly what you need to sort this out. Maybe it's the girl who has to make the decision."

"Bethany has," I said.

"But she's waiting for you. Jessica isn't. In fact, other than Becky, everyone waited for you. Me, Karin, Sofia, Bethany, Jennifer, Anna, Tatyana, and anyone else who thought you might be their mate. We all waited. And except for Bethany, they've all more or less given up waiting for you to ask or waiting for you to change. I decided to handle it differently. So did Elyse. I think I found the best possible solution. Well, for me at least. But it works to your advantage, too."

She had a point. A very, very good point. With Becky, I'd pushed her away. Hard. I was fifteen then. Now, at almost twenty-two, I was drawn to it. Not like a moth to a flame as I had been to Becky. But as someone who had been searching their entire life for something, and might have found it. Maybe Anala was right and had I committed to Becky, it would have been the fulfillment of my wish for a perfect lifetime commitment. I had no clue at this point. The only thing that I could do was what I was doing.

"Your solution is interesting, that's for sure," I said. "And what's most interesting is that it works no matter who I decide to marry, so long as I don't run off to Russia with Tatyana or to Sweden with Karin."

"Don't laugh too much," Kare said with a smile. "There's still a remote chance you could end up with one of them. I don't see it, but with you? Stranger things have happened! You do what you need to do to be happy. Let the rest of us worry about ourselves at that point."

"Do you know how hard that is?"

"This affects the rest of your life. You have to be happy. Believe it or not, that's what everyone wants. Even if that means we don't get what we want."

"I don't deserve any of you," I said.

"Sure you do. You've done something special for each of us and you're important in each of our lives. Don't ever think you don't deserve us, Snuggle Bear."

"So what should I do?"

"What you're doing," Kara said with a smile. "Explore and figure it out. And, most importantly, take me to bed with you tonight!"

I smiled and took her hand and led her to my room where we made slow, passionate love and fell asleep in each other's arms.

On Saturday morning after breakfast, Penny arrived for our programming time and she was more bubbly than usual. I was sure that she was excited about the job offer that I'd be talking to her mom about. I planned to do that after I arrived home from karate, and I told her that. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me hard and thanked me. When we finished, she headed home, and I went to karate class with Kara and Sofia.

Class went fine, and I felt I was going to be ready for my test, which was coming up on April 20th, two days before my birthday. I spoke with Sensei Jim after class and confirmed with him.

"You've missed some classes because of your friend's accident. That's understandable, but you can't miss any more before the test. And you have to be regular once you pass."

"I have some things that I need to do in May and June. I need to help some friends move to Chicago and go to a wedding."

He sighed, "I know that you're a college student and things are busy with someone your age. Moving from brown belt to black belt requires discipline. Discipline that you need to show from the very moment you earn your brown belt. Other students need to see that if you are to have their respect. Yes, the belt demands respect, but the person can only earn it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"What are you doing once you graduate?"

"I'll be running my own company. And traveling a lot less. The office will be right here in Hyde Park, so I can come two nights a week and on Saturdays, once I get May and June out of the way. There will be occasional weekends that I have to miss. Please don't take this as disrespect, as I do not mean it, but you have missed days and the black belts lead the class. I promise it won't happen too often once we get past June."

"Good. And you are correct. I have missed some days for vacations and special family events. But I believe you can count those times, Mr. Adams."

"Yes, Sensei."

"We'll test you on the 20th as planned. See you Monday."

I met Kara and Sofia on the sidewalk outside. Kara asked if everything was OK and I told her what Sensei Jim had said. We walked back towards the house and crossed Hyde Park Boulevard. When we crossed 59th street, I stopped short. Sofia and Kara took a couple of steps before they noticed and stopped and turned.

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Sofia said.

The reason for my look was sitting on the steps of the house, bundled against the sub-freezing temperatures in a nice parka. I had no idea what Becky van Hoek wanted, but she was about the last thing I needed to have to deal with.

"That's Becky," I said.

"You mean?" Sofia said, switching to Swedish.

"Yes, that Becky," I answered in Swedish. "The one who purposefully got pregnant then had an abortion. The one I was sure was out of my life. That one."

Kara took two steps back and took my hand. Sofia followed suit, and we walked up to the house.

"Becky," I said, nodding.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

"I'm not sure there's much to talk about. I need to get a shower, have lunch, and do a lot of homework."

"Please talk to me," she said.

"You should talk to her," Sofia said quietly in Swedish.

It was handy to have something of a secret code. So I answered her the same way.

"Why? What good can come of it?"

"Don't be rude. Just talk to her."

I knew I wasn't going to win an argument with Sofia, and I honestly didn't feel like having one.

"OK," I said in English. "Come inside where it's warm. I'll get a shower and then we'll go to lunch."

Becky smiled, "Thanks."

We went inside and I went up to my room, showered, dressed, and was back downstairs in less than ten minutes. I grabbed my coat and brown fedora, and Becky followed me out the front door. We walked in silence to Hyde Park Boulevard and then turned east and walked a couple of blocks to the diner I'd been to several times before. We were seated quickly, and the waitress took our drink orders.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Should we order first?" Becky asked.

"Sure," I said flatly.

We looked over the menus and placed our orders.

"OK. What's up?" I said, as the waitress left our table.

"We're both graduating and I wanted to talk to you about the future."

"What future?"

"Ours."

"We don't have a future, Becky. Well, we each do, but not together. We've been over that."

"Yes," Becky replied, "and you kept pushing me away. Why? And don't give me the bullshit about baggage. If anyone on this planet has baggage with you, it's Jennifer. Are you still friends with her? Lovers?"

"It's complicated," I said.

"It's complicated," Becky repeated, shaking her head. "What part of life isn't? I think you pushed me away because the girls wanted you to push me away and you wanted to make them happy. But I want to know something. Has that made YOU happy? Wait. Don't answer yet. One of them even talked you into trying to use me as a shield! Why did they hate me so much?"

"Because of what happened with the baby and later with Kara," I said.

"I don't buy that. It started before that. What was it about me that had Jennifer so freaked out?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was asking the question that I'd more or less answered for myself while I was talking to Kara. My problem was, if I said it out loud, I didn't know what was going to happen. But one thing I did know for sure was that if I let Becky back into my life, there would be hell to pay with several girls, and I wasn't prepared to deal with that. On the other hand, maybe if I explained things to Becky, it might help. I took another deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It's complicated," I said with a wry smile. "You had your 'bitch' personality, which bothered Jennifer from even before I met you. But then, once I discovered that it was just an act, what scared her was how aggressively you sought a permanent commitment from me. We were only fifteen, and you were picking out china patterns, so to speak. She was afraid that I'd fall into your clutches permanently, if you will. After that, the pregnancy, the abortion, and the cheating incident created problems with the other girls. As for my relationship with Jennifer, it really is complicated. She has a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend? Like boyfriend-girlfriend type girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"So you two aren't getting married?"

"It would appear not," I said.

"Are you seeing anyone seriously?" Becky asked.

"That's complicated, too. You know me — I have quite a few girls around."

"But you aren't engaged?"

"No. I'm not engaged," I sighed. "Look, I'm not sure what you want here."

Becky laughed derisively, "Seriously? You are not that dense! I know you aren't."

I just stared at her. She was making another play! The difference was, this time, I was free from her spell.

"I have a pretty good idea what it is you want. You're wasting your time."

"Why is that? Why won't you even consider it? You loved me. We were very compatible. You broke up with me because I scared you with talk of commitment. Maybe that was a mistake, but I don't think you and I being together then was a mistake. We could have been together for nearly eight years now. Would that have been hell on earth?"

"And the baby? And the cheating? What about those issues?"

"They would have never happened if you hadn't broken up with me and pushed me away!"

"Look," I said, "I'll take responsibility for my own actions, but you can't put all the blame on me! I'm not the one who tricked me into getting you pregnant. I'm not the one who seduced you at the conference."

"You're not hearing me!" she protested. "If you hadn't pushed me away, none of that would have happened!"

"Except I did. And we can't change that. And we can't know what would have happened. Maybe we would have broken up when I went to Sweden and met Pia and Katt and Karin and Sofia. Maybe we'd have broken up when I met Kara. Who knows? It's all just speculation and nobody can know what would have happened! You have some rosy scenario in your mind that's nothing more than a fantasy!"

"You want to know my fantasy? My deepest, darkest fantasy? The one I never have told anyone?" Becky asked.

"Not really, but I suppose that you're going to tell me. Go on."

She laughed, "You think it's sex? Give me a break. I'd do anything and everything you asked without even thinking about it. No. My fantasy is that you gave me a real chance to be with you. A real one. To show you how much I really loved you in the past and still love you. To show you that it could work because love conquers all. That's my fantasy."