Chapter 20: Don’t Let it End This Way

February, 1985, Chicago, Illinois

Nothing interesting happened Friday, either in class or at home. On Saturday morning, Penny came over and we concentrated on programming, though she did hint that she'd very much like to go upstairs. I went to karate with Kara and Sofia, and after my shower and lunch, I called Bethany to check on her. She was doing OK and nothing had changed since I'd spoken to her earlier in the week. She said she was looking forward to being in Chicago in April.

During the afternoon, Wen and I worked on our assignment for the microprocessor class, comparing notes and checking the other person's work. I was waiting for her to make some kind of move, but she was all business-like. I wondered if that would change that evening when we were upstairs.

It was good to see all my friends at the house. Other than some brief chats on campus, I really hadn't had time to talk to most of them. Bethany and Elyse were right — I was feeling much more relaxed and a lot less stressed, though I did feel a touch of guilt that I couldn't be with Bethany, even though she'd told me it was OK.

After dinner, I opted for a sauna, because I hadn't been in there for a few weeks. It was the weekend, so the weekend rules applied. Charlie, George, Sofia, Kara, Elyse, Bert, Jake, Dave, Julia, Jorge, and surprisingly, Wen, joined me. I raised the issue of the empty room in the Fall and asked Charlie if she was still interested.

"Oh, hell yeah!" she said. "George, what do you think?"

"What would the cost be?" she asked.

"Same as the dorms. The only thing you pay extra for would be long-distance phone calls."

"I'll check with my parents. I talk to them tomorrow."

"Why only one room?" Bert asked.

"Dave and Julia will share one, Kara and Bethany another, Sofia and Elyse the third. My friend Jennifer and her girlfriend Josie will live in the coach house and my sister will use the 2nd room there. That leaves one room, which Charlie asked about over a year ago."

"Where will we work?" Dave asked.

"We're going to change the study room into a workspace," I said. "We'll use that until we have enough revenue to rent a place somewhere in the neighborhood. Plus, I'll have my study as well. That still leaves the Indian room, the great room, and the sunroom for people to use to study. Cindi's getting married, so she'll be with Chris, wherever they live, and come to work during the week."

"When will the corporation be set up?" Julia asked.

"Joyce and I are meeting with the attorney on the 22nd. Speaking of which, Jake, I want to introduce you to my friend Joyce."

"A blind date? What does she look like?" Jake asked, obviously skeptical.

Elyse laughed, "He's setting you up with a drop-dead gorgeous Italian girl who's about 5′6″ tall with long dark hair."

"What's the catch?" he asked warily. "What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing," I said. "I dated her years ago, but it didn't work out. She hasn't been able to find the right guy at the University of Cincinnati. She's graduated now and started running her grandfather's businesses. You're half Italian, right?"

"I am. She's cool with a guy who'll be out with the fleet?"

"I warned her. She'll give it a go to see if you guys hit it off."

"You guys aren't pulling my leg. She really is smoking hot?"

"They aren't jerking you around," Kara said. "I was pretty close to her for a while back in Ohio. She's very pretty."

"Interesting," he said with a grin. "Sure. Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen?"

When we finished in the sauna, everyone took turns in the shower in the basement or went up to their own showers to rinse off the sweat. We joined the rest of our friends in the attic room and Dave put on some music. We danced, drank, and relaxed, and generally had a good time. When I danced with Wen, she danced close, but didn't mash herself against me. She made it clear that she was available, but wasn't going to push the issue.

At the end of the evening, I went to the backyard to smoke my pipe and drink my last glass of bourbon. I wasn't surprised when Sofia joined me, braving the cold February night. Of course, being Swedish, it wasn't nearly as cold for her as it might have been for someone like Stephie. She sat in the deck chair with me and cuddled close while I alternated between puffing my pipe and sipping my bourbon.

"Are you doing OK?" I asked.

"Better. As I said when you arrived home from Ohio, the card you left me was a really nice thought. I had a long talk with Elyse, and another one with Kara. They both told me not to worry because you had so much going on at the moment. Elyse also said she told you just to forget about your self-imposed deadline. I'm pretty sure that's good advice. From what all the girls have said, you get really crazy when you try to force an outcome."

"True," I agreed.

"I don't think you do any of us any favors if you force yourself to decide before you're ready. You're still pretty young in the scheme of things."

"Bethany agrees with you."

"How's it going to work when she's here?"

"The same as it does now, I think. Bethany will share a room with Kara. You'll share with Elyse. It'll be different because all of you will be in school and I'll be working. In one sense, I'll have more time given that I won't have homework and I won't be making trips to Ohio. I'll probably work a lot, but I can be far more flexible with my evening and weekend schedules when I don't have to worry about those other things. As for other arrangements, well, that's always been up to you girls, not me."

"Which is kind of your way of not making a decision. Well, except when you made that stupid decision with Anala."

"Don't remind me!" I pleaded. "I don't know that I could have found a better way to piss off every single girl who was important to me. I learned my lesson there. I just need to apply the 'thinking before doing' part a bit more."

"How about we go upstairs and work on the 'doing' part!" she giggled.

I tapped out my pipe, drained my glass of bourbon, and we went up to my room to make love.

I woke long before Sofia in the morning and slipped out of bed, put on my pyjamas and robe, and went down to my study and dialed Karin's number. Lars answered, and we spoke briefly before he called Karin to the phone. We caught up on things and then I told her what Joyce had said.

"So, another girl close to you, that you pushed aside, pointed out that you had treated her badly by not really giving her a chance, but implying that she actually had one?"

"I suppose that's true."

"There were other girls you misled that way, I suspect."

"I guess," I said.

I was thinking of Anna Wilson, and, to some extent, Becky. Depending on how you looked at it, that could include Penny as well. And there were probably others.

"You guess?" she said harshly. "You don't know?"

"I know," I sighed.

"You know," Karin said mockingly. "And what are you doing about it?"

"What can I do at this point? Those girls aren't in the picture. Well, Joyce is as a friend, but not the other girls."

"Are you doing it to anyone now? I mean, besides me?"

"What?!" I asked in surprise. "You? We talked about this."

"Yes, we did. But you STILL haven't told me one way or the other what you want! I gave you time, but it doesn't appear that you've done anything with that time except let it drag on and on. What do you want, Steve? What?"

"I don't know," I said, dejectedly. "That's the problem. I just don't know."

"And you expect girls to just wait for you? Just put everything in their lives on hold for you? How selfish is THAT?"

"But if I'm honest with them, don't they have to make their own decisions? How can I be responsible for what other people do?"

"You aren't," Karin said. "BUT, if you don't tell them the absolute truth, or you couch your words to make things seem possible that aren't, then you aren't being honest."

"You know, you never told me what you wanted. You still haven't," I said.

She laughed, "You have to be the densest person on the planet. You're dense even for a guy! They could use you to shield nuclear reactors, you're so dense!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Jesus, Steve! I talk to you every two weeks. We've visited each other a bunch of times. We send each other gifts. I haven't ever been with anyone but you. What the hell do you THINK I want? You can't be THAT stupid!"

"Then why wouldn't you say it to me last Summer?"

"Because you are, as your sister used to call you, a dumb boy. If I told you that last Summer, you'd have gone right out to a jeweler for rings, and asked me to marry you because you felt guilty. I don't want you because you feel guilty, you stupid, stupid man!"

She was as angry as Joyce had been, if not angrier. And I supposed she had legitimate reasons.

"I'm sorry," I said, which was the only thing I could say.

"Yes, I'm sure that you are. But WHY are you sorry? And what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm sorry, because I obviously hurt you. I'm sorry for not being able to make a decision. As for what I'm going to do, I have no idea what to do. When I try to decide, I get crazy. When I put things off, it looks like I'm stringing you all along."

"Not deciding is a way of deciding," Karin replied. "The only reason this hasn't blown up in your face completely is that we're all still fairly young. But you've told me your friends are getting married, which I guess is typical in the US. The girls around you are going to have to decide if they want to wait you out or move on. So, they may decide for you. And you might just lose the one you really ought to be with."

Karin had a point, though she didn't know the full story with Kara, Jennifer, and Bethany. Really, the only one who was left out, at least of the girls here, was Sofia. Well, and Penny, but that was a different problem. And of course, Karin herself.

"What are you trying to tell me?" I asked. "That you found someone and you want to move on?"

"And if I have, what would you say?"

"I don't do hypotheticals, Karin. Have you?"

"Speculate. Answer however you feel like," she said, sounding exasperated.

"I guess I'd tell you that I want you to be happy, and if that's what makes you happy, you should do it."

"Oh my fucking god, Steve! You KNOW what would make me happy. If you don't, then I'm wasting my time. And maybe all the girls are wasting their time. Could I be happy with someone besides you? Yes, of course. But would that MAKE me happy? No."

"Karin, you won't accept the conditions," I said.

"Won't I? I told you what would work with Jennifer and Elyse. If you can't compromise in that way, tell me right now."

"Well, with Jennifer, who knows? Given her current state, that might not even be an issue. With Elyse, what you asked for is what she offered. But it's more complicated. Kara asked to basically be my lover and have kids with me, but without getting married. For life, Karin."

She was silent for a moment, "Are you telling me that your plan is to have multiple girls PERMANENTLY?"

"I don't know if it's a plan, but it looks like that's how things are shaping up."

"Then you've made your decision, haven't you?" Karin said, sounding depressed.

"Well, no. I've told you what I think the future will look like. It's up to you to decide if you can accept it or not. I assumed all along that you couldn't, much like I knew Tatyana would be going home to Russia. That's why we've come to where we are."

"And you won't change your mind on this, this, multiple-girl scenario?"

"At this point, I'd say that it was unlikely. I mean, sure, it might work out that way, but you know me. When have I ever been with just one girl? Never. You've known that all along."

She sighed deeply, "I have. I just thought you would grow out of it, so to speak. I guess I was fooling myself all along."

"We both were," I said. "In fact, that's probably true of me and Jennifer as well. I just didn't know why until too late."

"We've tried pretty much everything I can think of," Karin said. "I'm out of ideas. And if what you say is true, I don't see much point in even trying."

"So this is it?" I asked as tears formed in my eyes.

"I suspect it is. But I hate saying goodbye over the phone."

"Joyce suggested I talk to you face-to-face. I'm guessing it's because she knew what would happen and that trying to say goodbye over the phone would just feel empty."

"It's going to feel empty no matter what, but I had hoped we'd do it when we were together. Do you have your daybook that I sent you?"

"Yeah, it's on my desk."

"Turn to June 30," she said.

I flipped to June 30th. I hadn't seen that page before. There was a heart around the number and a note that said 'Steve'.

"A heart in pink magic marker and the word 'Steve'," I said.

"I knew, one way or the other, that day would be important — either the beginning or the end. I suppose I know which it is now. If it was the beginning, that's when I'd move to Chicago. If it was the end, that's when I'd visit you to say goodbye."

"How could you know?" I said.

"You told me that you planned to decide after you graduated. I figured we'd have this conversation in May or June, so it just made sense."

"And the heart?" I asked.

"Because, no matter what, I love you, Steve Adams, always and forever."

"I love you, Karin Andersson. And I'm sorry that it came to this."

"I think it was always going to end this way. We were just kidding ourselves. Two foolish kids with crazy dreams that could never come true."

"I hope you'll always be my friend," I said.

"I will, but we'll drift apart. It has to happen. We're too far away from each other. It's why Sofia knew she had to move there. Even if you two only end up as best of friends, that could only be true there. She made compromises I'm not sure I could ever make. Remember that, Steve."

"I know. I struggle with my relationship with her because she's given so much and it feels like I give so little."

"You're going to have to have this talk with her, too, Steve. There's no way to avoid it. Well, that's not true. You could marry her. But I think you're either going to marry Bethany or some new girl you meet. That seems pretty clear at this point, and I suspect that Sofia knows it."

"I suppose so. But that's a problem for another day, I think. Do you plan to arrive on the 30th?" I asked.