Chapter 67: Secrets

October, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

Kara let out a long sigh, "I suppose I have to."

"That's up to you, but Bethany thinks you should tell me."

"She's probably right. Only Doctor Mercer knew about it before today. It's something you can never, ever repeat and something we won't talk about ever again."

"I certainly promise never to repeat it. As for not ever talking about it again, I suppose that's OK, but it's hard to agree to that in advance."

"It doesn't ever need to be talked about again. It's something that happened a long time ago and there's nothing to do about it at this point."

She had me wondering what it could possibly be. I drew a complete blank.

"OK," I said.

"Let me just tell it completely before you say anything," she said.

I nodded, and she continued. She spoke firmly and confidently.

"It happened when I was thirteen. I had only recently had my first period, and I was starting to develop, you know, my breasts were growing. One night, when I was home alone with my dad, he asked if I would take off my blouse so he could see my breasts. I freaked out, said 'no', and ran up to my room and locked my door. I didn't come out until the next morning. He never asked again, and I never said anything to anyone until I was talking to Doctor Mercer. When she asked me my very first memory about sex, the first time I thought about it, that's what I told her.

"I never told my mom or anyone what happened. I didn't want my dad to get into trouble. But I was scared of him from then on. Before that, he'd been my dad, and I loved him dearly. After that, he was a threat, I guess. I had really strange feelings about myself after that. Doctor Mercer thinks that's why I was bound and determined to lose my virginity — so that my dad couldn't steal it from me. I don't know that he would have taken it that far, but Doctor Mercer says requests like that often precede using force. In my dad's case, though, he never, ever repeated it, so maybe it was just a stupid thought, but I couldn't trust him. I did everything I could to avoid being alone with him after that."

She was quiet, waiting for my reaction. I knew that whatever I said could have a profound effect on my relationship with Kara and on her psyche. I had to be careful.

"I don't know to respond to that," I replied, keeping my voice even, "except to say that I'm sorry that you went through something like that. I can understand why you never told me while your dad was alive, and I guess it explains some things. That's why you were willing to just have a fling with me, wasn't it?"

"Yes. I don't know if I knew that at the time, but in hindsight, and after talking to Doctor Mercer and Bethany, I'd say that's why I wanted to do it. Sandy van der Meer did it with you to prove to her dad that she was in control of her body. I guess, to some extent, I did the same thing."

"How do you feel about your dad?" I asked.

"I still love him. He was still my dad. But he scared me in a way no dad should ever scare his daughter. It made me sick to my stomach and nervous for days. I got over that, but as I said, I never really trusted him after that."

"I can see why. I'd like to think that it was just a stupid mistake. For all the issues I had with your dad, I think he loved you. And I mean that in a proper father-daughter way."

"I do too. And I hope it was just a stupid mistake, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Do you understand why I didn't tell you about it?"

"I do. And it's probably best that I find out now, after he died, than before. And at this point, I don't think you should tell your mom. It wouldn't serve any purpose."

"That's what Doctor Mercer and Bethany said. Bethany said that what I experienced is far too common, though sometimes it comes from older brothers or friends of older brothers, rather than dads. It's why I was really worried about you and Stephanie at first. Bethany told me she'd had the same concern. I guess Melanie and Jennifer knew your sister and you well enough that they were sure you weren't being abusive."

"There are times when even I wonder about that," I replied. "Not from the standpoint that I went after her, but that I, as the older sibling, should have protected her and not gone to bed with her. She'd vehemently deny that I've done anything wrong, and the people she's talked to in-depth seem to agree."

"I do. It's a totally different situation. I guess Bethany is writing about it as the exception that proves the rule. She's told me some horror stories about girls abused by their fathers and older brothers for years. I could have been one of those and it's kind of scary. It makes me fear for any daughters that I might have, unless they're with you. If my mom didn't know, and couldn't know, how could I protect my girls if I have them? With you, I don't have to worry. You would never, ever do something against someone's will. Ever."

"Is that why you feel the way you do? I thought it had to do with me being your first."

"It's complicated, but, in the end, after seeing how abusive Kent van der Meer was, and what my father did, I have real trouble trusting men. For some reason, I trusted you implicitly. That turned out to be a mistake, initially, given what happened with Becky. But, and this is very important, your repentance was real, and your integrity since then has been impeccable. For a while, I blamed you for what happened with Joyce, because I trusted you to keep me safe.

"But, after talking with Doctor Mercer for nearly a year, and with Doctor Alborg for a few months, I understand that you didn't break my trust, I broke yours. You trusted me to do the right thing, you had confidence in me, and I blew it. And I blamed you and walked away from you. I hurt you very badly when I did that and I'm sorry for what I did. I couldn't undo the damage that did to you; I could only repent and ask your forgiveness. And you've graciously forgiven me and accepted me back into your life, not just as a friend, but as a lover.

"Whatever happens, whatever you decide, I want to be with you. I told you I want to be your friend, and I want to be your lover for as long as you'll have me. I'd love a wedding ring, but if I can't have that, I'll be there with you, as I said the other night in bed with Bethany. I love you Steve. More than I love anyone or anything in this world, or any other world that might exist."

A lot of pieces fell into place. All the men that Kara should have been able to trust — her father, her Pastor and me, her first boyfriend, all of us had violated her trust in one way or another. I alone had sought her forgiveness and tried to right the wrong. In a sense, my betrayal was small compared to that of the other men, but it still loomed large. What was shocking was Kara's capacity to forgive me despite what I'd done to her, and in spite of what her father and pastor had done.

I let out a long breath, "Thank you for trusting me enough to confide in me. I won't ever mention this again. But more importantly, thank you for trusting me enough to forgive me and accept me back into your life."

She smiled, "Do you know when I told Doctor Mercer about what happened with my dad? It was right after I got Steve Bear. Holding him was like holding you and it made me feel safe, like I always do in your arms. That first night we made love, do you know what I liked the most? It was your arms around me. We were sitting on the bed, and you were about to use your fingers on me. You held me tightly. That was what I liked the most. Yes, the orgasms were wonderful, the feel of your tongue pleasuring me, the wonderful sensation of being penetrated for the first time, and the fantastic warmth when you came, those were wonderful. But nothing compared to you holding me naked in your arms. Then, when we were done, you stayed and cuddled me. That made it all perfect."

"I like cuddling you, Kara," I smiled.

"Look over at the bed!" she giggled.

I did. Kara Bear and Steve Bear were tucked under the covers, snuggled close, side by side.

"That looks like fun. Shall we join the bears, bare?" I grinned.

"I have my period," she said.

"I don't give a damn!" I declared. "We're going to make love, and at this point, after everything you said, I'd willingly stick my tongue in you if that's what you asked me to do."

"Uh no. That's kind of gross. You'll really make love with me?"

"Yes. Let me get a towel."

I spread the towel on the bed and Kara and I made love twice that night. It was messy and sticky and wonderful, and required nearly ten minutes in the shower to wash off our bodies. We went back into the bedroom and Kara saw the towel that we'd used to protect the bed.

"It felt really good, but I'm not sure it was worth the mess! That towel is ruined!"

I chuckled, "A little bleach should fix it, but if not, are you saying that towel is worth more than my lovemaking?"

"No!" she said firmly. "But I think we can skip this next time. Or find something less messy!"

I took the towel from my bed and put it in the hamper. Kara put on the robe that she'd brought to my room and went to her room to get a pad. She came back, put it in her panties and we got into bed.

"I'm very happy with how everything is turning out," Kara said.

"Me too," I agreed.

We fell asleep in each other's arms, and I slept soundly. I awoke on Monday morning without my alarm and slipped out of bed. I dressed in my running clothes and headed out for my daily exercise. When I came back, Kara had made the bed and showered, and was sitting on the loveseat waiting for me. I showered and dressed, and we went down to breakfast. After we ate, we headed off to school to start another week.

November, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

On Thursday, a major cheating scandal at IIT was exposed. Kara brought home a copy of Tech News that discussed the issue. I hadn't seen any of it, and had no hints that it was going on, but there were investigations into cheating on the mid-term exams in several departments, and according to Kara, the rumor was that cheating was rampant at IIT. I hoped that none of my friends were involved in any way, though I couldn't imagine that they were.

Other than that, it was a normal week, though it was the new normal, as I was no longer seeing Staci on Wednesdays and Anala wasn't with me on Friday night. In fact, on Friday night I was alone in the house. Katy was out with Kenneth, Cindi was with Jorge, and Julia was with Dave. Kara, Sofia, and Elyse had offered to cancel their usual girls' night out, but I told them to go and that I'd be fine.

I spent the evening catching up on the work I needed to do for the union shop. I had nearly completed it, but then it had languished for a couple of weeks because I'd been so busy. I was still working on it when Elyse, Kara, and Sofia came home. When I heard the door open, I saved my work and shut down the IBM PC. I poured myself a glass of bourbon from the bottle in my study, filled my pipe and grabbed some matches, put on my jacket, and went out into the back yard.

I lit the pipe and sat on one of the chairs in the crisp fall air. The temperature was right around freezing, but I very much liked the cold weather. I pulled light gloves from the pocket of my jacket and put them on to keep my hands from getting cold, but otherwise, the chilly air didn't bother me. A few minutes later, Sofia came out into the yard.

"I forgot how much you liked Winter!" she said in Swedish.

"It's not that cold yet! How was your evening?"

"Good. We had Chinese and then saw Thief of Hearts. I think the word that best describes the story is the English word 'creepy'. Basically, the woman keeps a diary and the guy breaks into her house and reads it, then pretends to be able to read her mind and has an affair with her."

"A stalker. I agree, that would be properly classified as 'creepy'. I'm glad you had a good time," I said.

We fell silent for a moment, and then I continued, "I wonder if you want to talk about Saturday night."

"It caught me off guard. You aren't upset, are you?"

"No, of course not. I thought you might be, though."

"No, I'm not upset. Bethany was right, it shouldn't have been a big deal to just sleep. You did just sleep, didn't you?"

"Yes, that's all we did."

"Then I should have just joined you."

I nodded.

"How's school going?" I asked.

"Quite well, really. I'm making A's in all of my classes and I've made some friends, too. I met a girl from Argentina and one from Turkey who are pre-med like I am. They live on campus and we have lunch together."

"You could invite them over anytime you wanted," I said.

"They can't go home for Thanksgiving. Could they join us?"

"Of course. I already invited Jorge, Wen, and George. Two more is just fine with me. George and Wen already said 'yes'. I haven't heard from Jorge yet, so I wonder if he's going to Madison with Cindi."

"I'll ask them on Monday and let you know so you can plan the food. What's traditional?"

"Turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, gravy, and biscuits. Some people use cranberry sauce, but I don't like it. I'll get some, though, so others can try it. Dessert is usually pumpkin pie, but I prefer pecan. I'll probably make both so all of you can have the traditional pie."

"And you cook all that yourself?"

"Sure. If people want to help, that's fine, but I enjoy doing it."

"If Jorge doesn't accept, it'll be you and five girls!" she giggled. "Why am I not surprised?"

I nodded, "I do have a lot more female friends than I do male friends."

"Yes," she said. "And you sleep with quite a few of them."

"That bothers you a lot, doesn't it?"

"It shouldn't at this point. In Sweden, you were with Pia, Katt, Karin, Suzana, Petra, and some others. I know who and what you are."

"And yet you came to the US to be with me," I said.

"Yes. I was hoping that you would grow out of it, I guess is the right way to put it. Now I wonder if you ever will."

"I don't know the answer to that question. Are you disappointed with me?"

"No. I suppose I'm disappointed with me. I asked you to make love to me, knowing that you weren't going to be exclusive with me. I violated my most important rule five years ago. And now I'm in a situation of my own making that is the opposite of what I had wanted."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"For what? You never misled me. You never lied to me. You warned me multiple times. I didn't listen. I broke up with you because I couldn't share you, and then I took you into my bed again."

"What are you going to do, Sofia?" I asked softly.

"For now? Focus on my studies. Make friends. Get used to living in the States. And make love with you when I have the chance. Remember, I do think sex is supposed to be fun! But all I can do at this point is wait and see."