Chapter 5: Elyse and Kara

January, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

On my drive back to the house from O'Hare, I considered what I was going to say to Kara. It was a tough situation because I still loved her, but it was also the case that I'd moved on; or so I had told myself, others, and her. But was that really true? Had I really gotten over what had happened? Had I really put it all behind me? The truth of the matter, if I was honest with myself, was that I hadn't.

It was certainly true that I'd dealt with what had happened and taken up with Stephie again, and then talked to Jennifer honestly about trying to find our way to a future together, and that latter effort had borne some fruit. I'd talked with Bethany about the same thing, and we'd made progress as well. In a sense, breaking up with Kara had freed me to pursue relationships that I had once thought dead; or if not dead, at least with little or no prospect of a long-term relationship.

I shook my head when I realized that I was back in the same old situation — trying to figure out what was going to happen long-term when I had absolutely no real way of knowing, or of finding out, except to let the future unfold before me. The tapestry of my life was being woven in real-time, but there was no pattern or drawing I could look at to see what was coming next. All I could do was take things one day at a time, a refrain which had been repeated over and over for the past six years.

I still had three semesters of school before I graduated, and I'd told myself that I wasn't going to go steady with anyone during that time. That still seemed like the best approach, given everything that was happening in my life. Two major issues loomed — Karin and Sofia. The situation with Karin was somewhat easier, as we'd both agreed that we'd make a decision on our future once we both graduated. That had pretty much always been the plan, though I knew that Karin had hoped that I'd have a clearer vision of the future by now.

The situation with Sofia was far more complicated. She was going to be coming to Chicago in August and would be here for the next eight to ten years while she did her undergrad work and went to medical school, and possibly a Residency. Her main goal for coming here, despite her denials, was to try to make things work with me. The underlying problem with that was the same as it had always been — Sofia didn't want to share. And while that had changed somewhat, in the sense that we'd made love on my trips to Sweden, that seemed to me more like Sofia trying to keep her chances alive, rather than something that she'd accept, even in the short term.

The only possible way through this entire thicket was to follow Anala's advice — tell the girls what I wanted and what I could offer, and let them make up their minds if they would accept it. That little piece of wisdom had been the key to keeping things on an even keel for the past year. Things with Anala were both simple and extremely complex. She had become my spiritual guide, and in some ways, more important than Bethany, who I considered to be my absolute best friend in the world.

Anala had her own struggles, the most important being that her family would not accept me as a life partner. Given the way our relationship had developed, I'd never considered that as a real possibility, but we'd talked about it as if it had been. I wondered, as I had occasionally, if there was more to this relationship than either of us realized. Had we, perhaps, fooled ourselves that we could get as close as we had become without becoming attached in a way we might not ever be able to end, despite our discussions about the long-term? It was something she and I needed to discuss.

As I exited the Dan Ryan in Hyde Park, I returned my thoughts to what I was going to say to Kara. I kept asking myself what it was that I wanted and I could not come up with a definitive answer. Could I be happy with Kara long-term? I had certainly thought so a year ago. Could I commit to her and stay monogamous? It was possible, yes. Was that what I wanted? The only answer I could come up with to that question was that I was working on a relationship with Jennifer, and that, naturally, precluded being monogamous with anyone but her, and she didn't require that.

But that was actually part of my conundrum. I didn't believe that Jennifer would be happy without a long-term female lover. There was just something about the way she'd talked about Josie that had made that clear to me. And that meant that if I did decide on going down the path of monogamy, I'd either have to let Jennifer have someone on the side, or, horrifyingly, give up on anything long term with her. That thought soured my mood as I turned onto Woodlawn Avenue.

When I arrived at the house, Charlie and George were loading the things that George had stored in my closet into Charlie's car. That reminded me of another situation that I needed to deal with. I wasn't sure what Charlie's goals were and wondered if she was trying to develop a romantic relationship without seeming to. I considered whether it might be better to put a stop to it now, instead of continuing the Saturday night sleepovers, as it were.

"Hey, Steve! How was your break?" Charlie asked when she saw me.

"Pretty good. How was Oklahoma?"

"Boring as hell. Are you doing your weekend thing again this semester?"

I decided I'd talk to her on Saturday. I didn't really feel like having the conversation that I wanted to have with her at that moment.

"That's the plan, yes," I said.

"Cool. See you Saturday if I don't see you before then on campus! We have some catching up to do!"

I suppressed a sigh. The situation with Charlie looked like it was going to be more difficult than I had hoped. I made myself some tea and then walked into my study and shut the door. I decided that before I called Kara, I was going to update my journal, which I'd hadn't touched in weeks. I had so much to write because so much had happened with Bethany, Kara, Tatyana, and Jennifer. I wrote what would have been pages of manuscript and had just saved it when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" I called.

Elyse slipped into the room and shut the door behind her.

"Everything OK?" she asked.

"I think so. Why do you ask?"

"You locked yourself in your study as soon as you came home without even really talking to anyone. I just wanted to check on you."

"I'm fine. I was just updating my journal and thinking about everything that happened."

"I hear through the rumor mill that you saw Kara."

"I did. Anala's advice worked, at least to a point. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what it is that I want."

Elyse laughed, "As if that's anything new? That's been the story of your life as long as I've known you, which is almost five years now. Don't get hung-up on it, Steve. That's what always got you into trouble in the past. It's the thing that always made me wary of being involved with you."

"And now?"

She walked over and sat in my lap and put her arms around my neck.

"And now you're a guy I could spend the rest of my life with. We talked about that first semester, remember? And I've concluded that you will never, ever, be monogamous. I've also decided that I don't need a husband to be complete, no matter what my mom thinks. I do want to have kids, though, and I think you'll be the perfect guy for that. And that means a wife for you who will accept you having kids with another woman and occasionally scratching her itches!"

"You're an enigma, Elyse Clarke, maybe almost as much as I am. I remember how it was that first night at Jennie's wedding. Then we weren't together for some time, then we were, and you were, well, over-the-top, I guess is the way to put it. Now you've settled down again."

"Sean messed me up, but good, Steve. I'm slowly discovering who I really am and what I really want. And what I don't want is toys, or crazy sex, or anything except just a gentle, sweet man to love me. I'd take you in a heartbeat, but I'm smart enough to know that's not going to happen. Not because you don't love me; I know that you do. But because I'm not your destiny. I can't tell you who it is — Jennifer, Bethany, Kara, Tatyana, or heck, the little girl next door — but I know it's not me.

"And before you think I'm upset or sad about that, I'm not. I realized the morning after our wonderful first time that you and Jennifer had something very, very special, and no matter what I did, that wasn't going to happen with us. I tried, hard, to see if it might. We got together a lot without making love, and I never, ever felt that spark that would have told me that I was your girl. And I'm fine with that. You've treated me like a princess, even when I wasn't sharing your bed. Hell, you treated me better when we weren't sleeping together than Warren did when he was getting into my panties.

"Eduardo is a nice guy, but he's a bit too macho for me. I think Sean turned me off permanently to dominant guys. You're an enigma yourself, given you're submissive and pretty much let us girls control things, yet you're not a wimp. You're strong and decisive in most areas, but not in relationships. That's caused you problems with girls like Stephie or Karin, and made things with Anala a bit more difficult, but it's sure paid off in spades with everyone else. In the end, I think it all comes down to the fact that you care for us very, very deeply, in a way that we haven't seen from anyone else. It's why Katy succumbed to her desire after the rest of us left."

Elyse looked me intently in the eyes, daring me to deny what she'd just said.

"What gave it away?" I said.

"The look you two exchanged. I don't think anyone else saw it, but that look spoke volumes. I knew she was here after everyone else had left, and I thought she might have planned it that way. That look confirmed it. It must have been out of this world. Because it was you, I have no doubt that it was."

"Keep this to yourself, please," I said. "I didn't tell anyone else about it. Not even Jennifer, which I just realized is an issue. I need to let Jen know due to our agreement. And Katy was OK with that. But nobody else is supposed to know."

"And she thinks she's going to be able to live here, day-in and day-out, with you and never succumb again? I doubt it!"

"That's up to her. I won't turn her away, but I won't make a single move."

Elyse smirked, "How can you be so complacent about great sex?"

"Because I get so much of it!" I grinned. "It's not like sex with you or Anala or Jackie is boring, or anything!"

"And Charlie?"

"Eh. I was thinking of ending things with her, or not restarting. Or whatever you want to call it. Honestly, if I need company on Saturday nights, there are other, better options."

Elyse laughed, "That's just sick, you realize? You have a cute girl who wants a regular, casual screw every Saturday night and you're thinking about giving that up because you have better options? Don't tell your guy friends, Steve; they'll murder you!"

"I don't talk to guys about who I'm with. Dave doesn't know that I was with Julia, and the plan is to keep it that way. And yes, I can see how guys could be jealous, but do you deny that I have better options?"

"No, I don't. With me and Jackie sleeping with you regularly, and Anala here on Friday nights this semester, it's not like you're lacking for good sex! Not to mention your little friend next door who strikes me as a hand grenade, just waiting to explode."

"Were we like that when we were fourteen?" I asked.

"I sure was! Remember what I told you about Sean? He played with my nipples and rubbed me between my legs over my jeans, and I exploded. And look what happened."

"But you didn't plan that. He got you worked up, and you went for it. Penny seems to be planning things."

"So did some of your other girls, Steve. Even Bethany, in her own way."

"So what's your opinion about Penny?" I asked.

"Oh, who the hell knows? I keep wondering about me. I was ready to fuck at fourteen, no question. I just wish it had been someone like you, not Sean. You were clearly ready, or at least Aunt Jennie seemed to think so!" she smirked.

"Jennie thought I was sixteen or seventeen. She almost backed out when she found out I was fourteen! I had an interesting conversation with Anala about it, too."

"I bet. Let me guess, she told you to go for it!"

"Actually, she didn't. She told me to be decisive. She's sure Penny is going to ask one day, and Anala made the point that at that point, Penny isn't looking for a debate. She's looking for a 'yes' or a 'no'. Anala told me to think about it so that I could give a definitive answer. We talked about the age difference and from Anala's perspective, Penny has decided to go to someone with experience to learn from, kind of like I came to IIT, even though I had plenty of knowledge about computers."

"Interesting. I guess as I see it, this isn't like me and Sean, or even like you and Aunt Jennie. In both those cases, the older person seduced the younger one. This isn't so much a seduction as a kind of natural evolution from crush to sex. She's reasonably mature, though she does have her moments."

I chuckled, "There are times when I see a little girl, but other times I see a mature young woman. The little girl mostly comes out around her parents, though."

"That makes sense, don't you think? Her parents still see her as a young girl, not as a young woman. And they treat her that way. You treat her as an adult, the way you do everyone. Heck, the way you've described your interactions with Kyle, you treat him like an adult."

"I wouldn't go quite that far, but it's true that I treat him as a friend, not as a little kid."

"Keep that up, Steve. Teenagers need that. Society is screwing them over badly and it's going to get worse."

"Anala has said the same thing. Sadly, I think the two of you are right. So, should I tell her yes?"

"I can't answer that question for you. Only you can. My advice is the same as Anala's — make your decision, give her a clear answer, and stick to it. Assuming she gives you a choice in the matter!"

I laughed, "There is that, isn't there?! Roger Moore did turn down Lynn Holly-Johnson in For Your Eyes Only."

"Sean Connery wouldn't have. You're more Sean Connery than Roger Moore!"

"Thanks for the compliment! I need to call Kara now and tell her where we are."

"Where you are? That's easy. You love her to pieces and if she gets healthy again, you'll want to be with her. The only question is whether or not she can accept you as you are."

"You mean like you do? Of all my female friends, you're the most accepting of me exactly as I am, rather than wanting me to be something I'm not. And that includes Bethany."

"I will take that as a supreme compliment. I know you don't share everything with me, and you probably have some secrets that it's better that I don't know, but what I see is a good man who cares for me. What else could I ask for? I mean, besides you letting me sleep with you tonight."

"Any time, Elyse. You know that."

"Good. Now, call Kara, tell her that you still love her, and then I'll come back and talk to you afterwards."

Chapter 6 »