Chapter 45: A Journey Ends

June/July, 1984, Stockholm, Sweden

I woke when the conductor announced that we were arriving in Stockholm. I was happy the announcement came early enough for me to be fully awake and clear my mind before the train arrived at the platform. My dream had replayed the last seven years, but in a disjointed fashion. The strongest memories had come first — seeing Birgit for the first time, making love to her, her death, seeing Karin for the first time, my night of passion with Karin, and Karin's visit to Milford. Other memories followed, interspersed with visits to Birgit's grave.

I wasn't sure about the meaning of those vivid dreams, though they did help me get my thoughts in order, so perhaps that was their purpose — akin to writing in my journal. That had always been useful, though many times I'd come away from writing just as confused as when I'd sat down. That happened less and less often, and being able to look back at my thoughts from the previous day, week, month, or year was a huge help. Reading and writing had helped me reach the conclusion that I'd come to about Karin, and was about to put into action.

I stepped off the train to see Karin standing on the platform. There was no rush to each other, just deliberate steps that brought us together at the midway point between the train and where she'd been standing. I set my bags down and held out my arms. Karin melted into them and we hugged. She released me and turned to go without a kiss, which, much to my surprise, felt like a dagger through my heart. I picked up my bags to follow her to the car.

"You're driving alone already?" I asked.

"Yes! I got my license about two weeks ago. I felt it was important to get it before you got here."

"We've always managed quite well with the subway and the bus," I said.

"Not this time," Karin said.

We got into the car and almost immediately I realized that her destination was not the apartment. I didn't ask until we'd left the city, heading west.

"Where are we going?"

"Dalarna. We're going to a small town called Smedjebacken. There's a bed-and-breakfast there. We'll stay there about ten days, then go back to my parents' apartment. I thought we should be alone together, and that it should be someplace that was peaceful, quiet, and away from everyone we know. It's less than three hours' driving."

"I suppose that makes sense," I agreed. "We have a lot to talk about."

"Let's wait until we're there. How was your time in Göteborg?"

"Good. I was able to see many of my former classmates, as well as Katt and Mikael. Mostly, though, I spent time with Sofia."

Karin nodded, "Did you see Pia in Helsingborg?"

"No. She'd already left for Amsterdam to be with her boyfriend. I wanted to see her, but it's my fault that I couldn't because I had to delay my trip for a few days to attend a wedding and a graduation."

"There was no way you could miss Melanie's wedding! She would have killed you!"

"I was Pete's best man, so I was committed long ago. I just wish the timing had worked out better. How are your parents?"

"Good. They're looking forward to seeing you when we go back to Stockholm. They encouraged me to work things out with you."

"I'm sure that they did," I sighed.

"Just relax, OK? We'll talk everything through over the next ten days or so. I'm not angry or upset with you. If I were, we wouldn't be sharing a bed."

I was silent for a couple of minutes, because I wasn't sure of my own thoughts on the matter.

Eventually I asked, "Are you sure we should?"

"Yes," she answered immediately. "Whatever happens, we need the closeness. Whatever we are to each other when you board that plane to Chicago, this is as right as that first night in December when you visited for the Nobel festivities. Don't second-guess. It'll make it harder on us. Just let things happen naturally. That's the only way we'll know we've done the right thing in the end."

I wanted to ask her what the right thing was, but I was pretty sure that I knew her answer. I knew what my answer was, and I suspected that they were the same, or very close to the same. Her visit to Chicago had been, at least in my mind, the last chance to really make it work, and it had ended with the acknowledgment that it probably wouldn't. She was dating, though she'd said it wasn't serious. Birgit had done the same thing and that had led directly to her death. I didn't expect Karin to die, but I was pretty sure that our relationship would, at least so far as having a future together as a couple was concerned.

June/July, 1984, Dalarna, Sweden

We drove the rest of the way in silence, except for the music coming from the in-dash tape player of her parents' Volvo. I watched the gorgeous countryside roll by the windows as we drew closer to our destination. The rolling hills and forests appeared peaceful and quiet, just as Karin had said, and I knew that she'd made the right choice. We'd have no distractions here except each other, and that was exactly what we needed.

Karin checked her map a few times as we came closer to our destination and navigated to a large country house with a small sign that read 'Nilssons Gård'. Karin pulled the Volvo into the long, sweeping drive and parked in a marked spot on the side of the building. We retrieved our bags from the trunk of the sedan and walked to the front door, where Karin rang the bell. A few seconds later, we were greeted by Kjell Nilsson, who invited us in.

We followed Kjell up a flight of stairs to a beautifully appointed room with a large, four-poster bed, a loveseat, a desk and chair, and, in the corner, a pitcher and wash basin. We put our bags down and he gave us a quick tour of the house. There were five bedrooms that shared a communal bath, and downstairs, a communal dining room and a large room with a fireplace and huge windows looking out on the woods. And, to my delight, a small «bastu» in the back yard at the edge of the woods.

"Breakfast is served promptly at 8:00am," Kjell told us. "There is always coffee and a kettle with hot water for tea. The tea bags are in the box there on the sideboard. There's also a bowl of apples from which you may help yourself at any time throughout the day. Should you need anything, please see me or my wife, Lena."

We thanked him and Karin and I went back upstairs to our room and unpacked our bags. I pocketed the room and house keys that were on the dresser, and stood staring out the window while Karin finished unpacking. I hadn't expected this turn of events, and wondered what it was that Karin was trying to achieve. At this point, all I could do was wait for her to tell me.

"You're wondering why we're here, aren't you?" she asked as she set her empty bag in the closet.

"I am."

She walked up behind me and put her arms around me, and rested her head on my back.

"We don't know each other anymore," she said. "And I'm not really sure that we ever did. If we did, that was Steve and Karin, two foolish teenagers living out some fairy-tale life. Almost five years later, you've become a man and I've become a woman. We're here to get to know each other as adults. Think about how little time we've spent alone together over the past two years. Not very much, really.

"When I've been in the States, we were with your family and friends. When you were in Stockholm, it was short visits that included quite a bit of time with my parents and plenty of distractions. In fact, there have always been distractions, even when we had time together. Here, there are no distractions. No telephone. No television. No friends. No parents. No extended family. Just Steve Adams and Karin Andersson.

"We're two adults who need to figure out not only who we are, but who the other person is. You came here to tell me it was over. I think you believe that in your heart of hearts. I agree. It is. It ended in February. But what ended was a foolish High School romance that had no place to go except down the drain. It should have ended a long time ago and we both know it. It wasn't even on life support. It lived in my mind, in your mind, and in Birgit's mind.

"So, here we are, in a new place, with no memories for me and no reminders for you. If you want to visit Birgit, you can do that when we go back to Stockholm. If you think this is all foolishness and you don't want to try, I can take you to Göteborg, or wherever you want, and I'll come back here alone. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next ten days, and honestly, I don't know what I want to happen. There is one thing I do know, and that's that it's time to quit being foolish teenagers and to start being adults."

She stopped talking, but still held me tight, her head on my back. I was surprised at what she'd said, not because it wasn't true, but because in less than five minutes, she'd completely upended the world, taking a wrecking ball to everything that had come before, and doing something that we said we had to do but had never done. She'd taken us to a place that neither of us had ever been so that nothing would intrude on our time together and nothing in that environment would remind us of the past. I took several deep breaths and let them out before answering her.

"You're right," I said, staring out at the woods. "It was a foolish fantasy that started in eighth grade when your sister walked into a classroom at Milford High, and ended, finally, once and for all, a few minutes ago. I came to tell you that I'd lived that foolish fantasy for too long, and to apologize for leading you down a path that would take us off a cliff if we followed it blindly. We tried a few times to discard the fantasy and failed. Now, I think we both have. So, here we are."

"Yes, here we are," she said. "Steve Adams and Karin Andersson."

"Where do we start?" I asked.

"Bed," she said softly. "I want to make love with you. Just in case it never happens again."

I turned so that we were face-to-face, her small breasts pressing on my chest and her hands on my butt, pulling me against her. I understood what she wanted, but my state of mind rebelled against it. It was all part of the serious self-examination I'd been doing for the past month that had resulted in changing my thinking about who I should be having sex with.

"You're right that I'm not the same person," I said carefully. "I've done a lot of soul-searching and I have a very different view of sex at the moment. I'm not sure that making love is the right thing to do."

"I've known that something was bothering you since you and Stephie broke up. I guess it finally came to a head. And, all things being equal, that's a good thing; at least I think so. You really were out of control. But this is NOT being out of control. I love you Steve Adams, always and forever. I know that sounds odd given that I said I don't know you, but before you object, let me point out that falling in love is quick. Getting to really know someone takes much longer, perhaps even a lifetime.

"We have ten days to do that, because I know for a fact that if we leave here without truly knowing each other, it's over and done with. And I'm going to try my best to make sure that we DO know each other and that we make decisions based on that, not based on the fantasy, or on rejecting the fantasy. I want you, as a handsome American man who I fancy, to take me to that bed and make love to me. Right now!"

Her words were urgent, demanding. The press of her body against mine conveyed desire. Her sparkling eyes forced me to look deeply into them. Her hands roaming across my back and butt sent shivers up and down my spine. Her lips beckoned, and I lowered mine to touch them, and was instantly awash in waves of desire that led, minutes later, to my rock hard shaft sliding into her tight, slippery tunnel.

We moved together as one, each giving and taking pleasure, over and over, ending with our bodies covered with sweat and with our combined juices having created a large wet spot on sheets that just thirty minutes before had been fresh and clean. We didn't stop kissing after our final release, and it wasn't long before we repeated our act of love for a second, and then eventually, a third time.

"Now we can talk," Karin said with a contented sigh when I finally rolled off of her.

I got up, still weak from our exhilarating exertions, and cracked open the window to allow some fresh air into the room. We put on our robes and went to the communal bath to take quick showers. When we finished, I took the pitcher from the washstand in the room and filled it so we'd have it if we needed it later. I got the distinct impression from Karin that we might. When we were dressed, she took my hand and led me outside to take a walk around the small town.

"What are we doing for lunch and dinner?" I asked.

"There's a small café here in town, plus a number of others along the roads that lead to the bigger towns. According to the information they sent me when I booked the room, there are about two-dozen places within a thirty-minute drive. We should go to the café in an hour or so for dinner. We can decide on other choices tomorrow."

"That's OK with me. Can I ask why it was so important to make love?"

"I was afraid that you wouldn't do it. Your body language, when we stood by the window, conveyed that I was right to be concerned. I simply didn't want us to be together, maybe for the last time, without making love. It was beautiful and wonderful as it always has been, but it was also different. Something has fundamentally changed in you, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

"I think the conversation about what hasn't changed would be a lot shorter," I said with a wry smile.

"How do you feel about what we did? I want your honest feelings, please. Don't say what you think I want to hear. This isn't the time for that, if there even is a time for such a thing."

"Confused. I'd come here with an agenda and it seems that my agenda was derailed and my plans were thrown into complete disarray by you bringing me here and insisting that we make love."

"Good," Karin said with a soft smile. "That was the point. To put you off balance. To get you to consider who you are and who I am and what we are."

I nodded, "From my letter. I wrote the words from On and On and On to you; almost exactly those words you just used — Who am I and who are you and who are we? What's our situation; do we have some time for us?"