Chapter 38: Analysis. Again.

May, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

I didn't return Becky's call; I called Jackie instead and explained what had happened with the phone message.

"Let me get this straight," Jackie said. "You didn't make love with Penny, but you realized she's the antidote to Becky?"

"Yes. I thought about Penny so much, and was so focused on her, that Becky didn't even cross my mind, and when I heard Becky's phone message, I was annoyed, not because I'd missed lunch with her, but because I simply didn't want anything to do with her. I didn't bother to return the call, either."

"You'll have to, though. You can't leave her hanging. Just tell her you aren't interested and be done with it. Though I have to wonder what it means when Penny has all of your attention and is the only girl who you'll sleep with right now."

"I don't know what it means, except that I'm working on truly finding myself. And doing that means that, at least in the short term, I get out of the sex-with-anyone-who-asks business. I thought I needed Anala's help to do that, but it turns out, at least at the moment, I don't."

"I know. Much to my detriment. But I'd gladly give up that last time with you if it helps you become the person you want to be."

"Thanks. Care to revise your odds?" I chuckled.

"Well, I know you and Kara came very close to putting things back together, though I think you're right to take it slowly. My problem with prognostication right now is not having enough information on your current relationship with Sofia. I only read up through February 1981 or so in your journal. I would say that I'd more evenly balance Bethany, Kara, and Penny right now, and might even give Penny the edge, though she's awfully young."

"Interesting. You're leaving Tatyana out of the mix because she still might go back to Russia?"

"Yep. If she doesn't, well, then it's a mad, five-way scramble in a year or two. It'll be fun to watch as an outsider, but it could be really painful for you and most of the girls."

"Maybe I'll just keep them all!" I said with a laugh.

"Bethany might accept that, but I'm not so sure about the rest."

"I have a year of school left. I know my life, and something will happen over the course of the year. Heck, maybe Jennifer gets hit on the head and becomes straight, and she and I marry and live happily ever after."

"That's one outcome I don't expect. On that, I agree with Anala and Bethany — you simply need to accept that she's a lesbian and deal with it. And the sooner you do that, the better. It's not like you're losing her to Josie, Steve. You just have to share. You know, just like the girls have had to share you with each other. Do I detect a bit of hypocrisy or a double standard?"

I sighed, "You know, I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell Bethany, and I think I've told you before: you can be a real bitch when you're right about something."

"Then don't be a hypocrite. That is, after all, something you've studiously tried to avoid being."

"I know. And thanks, Jackie."

"You're welcome. It'll be interesting to watch how things develop!"

We said our goodbyes, and I hung up. I felt pretty good about everything, with the exception of what Jackie had said about my attitude towards Jennifer. That was something I had to deal with. And soon.

On Sunday morning, I called Karin and Sofia and had my usual conversations, then called Tina Hoff and had a heart-to-heart talk with her. In the end, she let me off the hook fairly easily.

"It was a dream, Steve," Tina said, her voice gentle. "I never counted on it the way Karin did. And from what you just told me, you are going to have the same conversation with her, though I agree you have to do it face to face. We've written so much and talked so much on the phone that I'm OK with doing it this way. And it's better, really. If you were here, I'd have dragged you to my bed and tried to convince you not to give up. And that would have been wrong."

"Do you want me to come visit you?" I asked.

"I can come to Göteborg for a day and we can have lunch. I think that's better. I hope you'll still be my friend, and that we'll still write and keep in touch."

"Absolutely! You've been a good friend and a wonderful lover. You surprised me with that, you know. But it was a very pleasant surprise."

"I'm glad we did it, Steve. I'm glad you were my first. I'm even glad I lost my virginity before you kissed me! That's a cool thing to brag about!"

"You brag about it?" I chuckled.

"My friends are jealous at how good my first time was, and jealous that it was with a handsome American guy. So yes, I brag! And no, I'm not giving you any numbers! You have enough problems dealing with the girls you have now!"

"Don't I know it!" I chuckled.

We talked for a few more minutes and I promised to call her when I got to Sweden so that we could get together for lunch, then we said our goodbyes and hung up. I felt surprisingly good, and was happy about the way things ended, and that Tina wasn't upset. I didn't expect the same response from Becky when I returned her call.

That call was made about 10:00am.

"Why?" she asked, sniffing, and fighting to hold back tears.

"Because I simply cannot get past everything that happened, and I just need to make a clean break. I am really sorry that I missed our lunch yesterday. That was really low of me. But I simply don't think we should see each other again. Yes, we might run into each other, and I'll be friendly, but I don't want to go to lunch, or go on dates, or anything like that. It's just not going to work."

"That sucks!" she said, and I heard a stifled sob.

"It does, but that's the way it is. I'm sorry."

Becky did something then that surprised me. She hung up without a word. I gently replaced the handset in the cradle and then went to my room to change so that I could head out to Sandwich. I had a fun afternoon with Wally, making my four required static-line jumps. After the last jump, Wally ran through the basic information for the freefall jump and said that he'd see me the following weekend. I let him know I'd come on Sunday again and headed back home.

On Monday, at 12:30pm, I presented myself at Doctor Alborg's office. Doctor Mercer had sent him copies of her notes and a copy of my file. I filled out the intake form and promptly at 1:00pm he shook my hand and had me sit in a comfortable chair. He was about 50, bald and heavyset, with a kind face.

"So, what brings you here?"

"You've read Doctor Mercer's notes?"

He nodded and waved for me to continue.

"She helped with issues when my girlfriend died in a freak accident, helped with problems with my mom, helped with anger issues, and I also saw her when she was working with a friend of mine who was recovering from rape. A friend of mine has helped me try to identify the demons that were causing me to behave self-destructively."

"Your promiscuity?" Doctor Alborg asked.

"Yes. My friend thinks I'm trying to drown out my feelings for a girl by having sex with as many girls as I could."

"And your feelings for this girl now?"

"Gone, I think."

"So, why are you here?"

"I don't think I know how to have a healthy relationship with girls, and I've had a serious problem with that one girl who I mentioned that's been messing me up for years."

"Doctor Mercer's notes seem to trace it all back to your failed relationship with your mother."

"She's probably right about the ultimate cause. I'd say it's a mix of things, but that's probably the root of it. Add in Birgit's death, my failed relationships with Becky and Jennifer, and my substitution of Karin for Birgit, and I'd say that you have most of it. Karin is Birgit's little sister that I met when I went to Sweden as an exchange student."

"The notes say that you have a very good relationship with your little sister and a strained relationship with your father."

"That last one isn't accurate any more. Things have really improved with my dad."

"Let's start with your first relationship. Who was your first girlfriend and how old were you?"

"I was thirteen and her name was Susan. That was during seventh grade. She broke up with me because, as they used to call it, I got fresh with her."

He asked a number of questions about that relationship, then asked about my next one, which was Jennie McGrath. I refused to even give her first name, but did describe the age difference and how I'd ended up losing my virginity to her. From there we talked about Birgit, then Melanie, and how that came about and then about the other girls I was with after that. We ran up to the end of the session and he said that next time he wanted to talk to me about my mom and my sister.

I headed back to the house and made some tea. I sat down in the Indian room to wait for Penny. I wasn't sure of the exact time she arrived home from school, but I was absolutely sure she'd be at my door seconds after she arrived home. A few minutes after 3:00pm, the doorbell rang, and I went to answer it. Penny pushed past me and started up the stairs before I even closed the door.

"Penny, wait," I said, shutting the door.

"What? I thought you wanted to do it!" she said, suddenly concerned.

"I do, but come sit with me first. Just to talk for a few minutes."

She pouted, but followed me to the Indian room. I sat in a basket chair and beckoned her to sit in my lap. She curled up against me and rested her head on my chest. She sighed deeply, and I pulled her tight.

"What time do your parents get home?" I asked.

"About 5:00pm," she said.

"So we want you home by 4:30pm, so that there's no risk of you getting caught. That means we have a little over an hour."

"Then why are we waiting?" she asked impatiently.

"Because I want to make love with you. I don't want to just run upstairs, rip our clothes off, and screw."

"But that sounds like fun!" she giggled.

"Kiss me, Penny. Softly. Let's take it very slow. We'll have plenty of time to finish. Just trust me on this, please?"

Our lips touched and I very gently probed her mouth with my tongue. We kissed softly, as I'd requested, and let our passion begin to slowly build. I dropped one hand to her jean-clad butt and cupped her firm cheek. After a moment I ran the hand up her side and cupped her small firm breast through her light Spring blouse, feeling her taut nipple press into my palm. Penny squirmed a bit and broke our kiss.

"I want to feel your skin against mine," she whispered.

I began unbuttoning her blouse and when I got to the third button, she grabbed my hands and stopped me.

"Here?" she asked, suddenly nervous.

"We'll end up in bed, but yes, here. And someday we'll make love in the sauna, and cuddle in my whirlpool. When we have more time."

"Really?" she said, now excited and nervous at the same time.

"Yes, really. We can make love in any room of the house, even every room in the house, if you want!"

She giggled, "You are silly!"

I kissed her softly and finished unbuttoning her blouse. She shrugged it off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I lightly kissed her bare shoulders, and the exposed skin of her chest. Penny sighed and ran her hand through my hair, anticipating what was to come. I didn't make her wait too long, unhooking her bra and helping her remove it, exposing her beautiful, small breasts with their small pink nipples. I lowered my mouth and sucked gently on one of them, causing Penny to moan.

"Oh! That feels soooo good!" she hissed.

I gently ran my tongue around her nipple, continuing to suck gently while I unbuttoned and unzipped Penny's jeans.

"Touch me, please!" she whimpered, pulling my head tightly to her chest.

There was no way I could refuse that request, even had I wanted to. I slipped my fingers inside her panties and pressed my hand down, sliding my finger across her clit and then hooking it just a bit to part her labia. Penny sucked in her breath and encouraged me with little moans.

"Yes! Right there!" she gasped when I pressed the tip of my finger into her tunnel and applied gentle pressure to her clit.

Penny lifted my head from her breast and fumbled with the buttons of the polo shirt I was wearing, eventually releasing them, then tugged until I moved my arms so she could pull my shirt roughly over my head. She wiggled a bit, moving so that her breast pressed into my chest, then turned her face up for a kiss. We kissed softly while I returned my hand to inside her panties and stroked her slick pussy with my finger, slowly bringing her to the release she was clearly looking for. It happened about a minute later, causing Penny to groan and arch her back.

"Thank you," she whispered, "but I need you inside me!"

Penny pressed her hand between us and stroked the length of my shaft through my slacks. She slipped from my lap and quickly unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned the slacks and pulled down the zipper. She slid her small hand inside my underwear and grasped my shaft, squeezing gently. She looked up at me and smiled, then knelt down and hooked her fingers in the waist of my pants and underwear. I lifted up, and she pulled them down together, allowing my rock-hard erection to spring free, and causing Penny to giggle when it bounced a few times.

Penny licked her lips, then kissed the tip of my dick. She parted her lips and ever so slowly took me almost all the way into her mouth. She lifted up and ran her tongue around my glans, then slowly took me in again. Given the short amount of time, I didn't want to cum in her mouth, so after the fourth time she did that I pulled her up. I reached down and swiftly pulled down her jeans and panties and pulled her close so that I could nuzzle her wispy blonde pubic hair.

"Oh!" she moaned as I pressed my tongue between her legs, tasting her fresh, musky juices.

I got up, kicked off my pants and underwear, and scooped Penny into my arms. We kissed softly as I carried her up the stairs to my room and then laid her gently on the bed. I moved between her legs and pressed my face into her pussy. I licked along her dripping labia a few times, then pressed my tongue into her hot, slick tunnel. Penny moaned louder and put her hands on the back of my head, pulling me towards her, trying to increase the pressure. I moved my lips to her clit and sucked gently and ran my tongue over it.

Penny groaned and bucked and a small gush of fluids ran out of her opening, bathing my lips and chin. I moved up on top of Penny and she eagerly spread her legs, ready to accept me. I pressed my glans against her labia and slowly pushed forward, splitting them, and entering her welcoming, and exquisitely tight, pussy. I took my time and when I was fully inside of her, Penny sighed deeply.

"I love you Penny," I whispered.

"I love you too, Steve," she said softly.

"Just take it slow, Penny." I said as I began to gently thrust in and out.

Penny wrapped her legs around my thighs and met each soft thrust with one of her own. We continued to kiss while our bodies moved in slow motion. My goal was to make it last as long as possible, and to truly feel a joining of our souls. I broke our kiss and stared into Penny's eyes as we made love, slowly and passionately. I could tell that she was getting close, and that the urge to thrust her hips harder was becoming more and more difficult to restrain.