Chapter 37: Penelope Margaret O\'Neil

May, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

In the morning, after Jackie and I had slept cuddled together, and I ran, and then showered, we had breakfast together. After breakfast, I helped her load her car with the stuff that she was taking home, and box up the stuff that she'd leave behind. We moved the boxes to my walk-through closet so that the room was ready for Sofia when she arrived in August.

"I'm going to miss you," I said, as we walked out to her car.

"I'll miss you too, but I'll be around. I'm only in Rockford, so if you need me, call. And I promise you'll see Jamie and me on Sundays this Fall."

"Thanks. I'll let you know how things go with Penny. I forgot to ask, are you seeing Jamie over the Summer?"

"Yes, we'll go on dates probably once a week. Maybe I can spend the night with him before August!"

"You two haven't done the deed yet?" I asked, somewhat surprised. "I'm amazed."

"Me too. But he hasn't tried."

"He's in for a real treat!" I said with a knowing smile.

We hugged, exchanged a soft kiss, and then she got into her car and drove away. I waited until she was around the corner and then went back into the house. I spent a couple of hours cleaning, doing laundry, and taking stock of what I still needed to buy. I also contemplated solutions to the room arrangements in the Fall. Unless one of the other girls would share, the only option for Kara was my study.

Just before lunch, I put in a call to Gerald Brown to discuss the new porch that his son and Jackie had designed. He gave me a ballpark number, which I agreed to immediately, and asked him to send me the paperwork. He said that Jeremiah would drop it off later in the week, probably Thursday evening. When I hung up, I called Elyse in Ohio to talk to her about the room situation.

"Easy solution, Steve. I move in with you!" she giggled, but then got serious. "A joke, of course. Well, I think you're right, one of us needs to share. Julia and Katy have smaller rooms, so it really is on me, isn't it?"

"I won't even ask you, Elyse. You've been with me since day one and you deserve to have your own room."

"Thanks, but it's not like I'm going to have a steady boyfriend in the Fall. Eduardo and I said our goodbyes and I don't know that we'll even try to see each other again. I can't imagine Kara needing the room for sex, and honestly, right now, where I'm at, once a week or so with you, is all I need."

"We're on a similar page there," I agreed.

"You? What about Jackie's request?"

"We slept in the same bed, but she let me out of my promise. I'm not going to be with anyone except maybe Penny until Jennifer gets here. And Penny's so mad at me, I'm not sure I can get her back."

"Just follow Jackie's program. I think Penny will come around. Don't push it and absolutely don't take her to bed until this is resolved. You can't fuck your way out of this any more than you could when Jennifer hid her move to Seattle from you."

"I know. Penny's coming by when she gets home from school. I have no clue how that's going to go. All I can do is apologize to her and see how she reacts."

"Steve, remember, she's fifteen. She's really, really young. You're an adult. You have to make sure you get through to her and that you realize she might not be able to put her feelings into words."

"I know," I sighed. "Also, I'm going to see a counselor on Monday afternoons, at least until I head to Sweden."

"Good. You're getting close, Steve. You really are. By the time you graduate, I think you'll have it all figured out, or at least enough to know what you want."

"Thanks, Elyse! Did you pick out names for our kids yet?"

"Matthew and Michael, I think," she replied. "I want to give them your first name for their middle names. I like that Russian thing you do with Tatyana. I don't have girls' names yet."

"I approve. Clarke or Adams?" I asked.

"Clarke, unless you insist on them having your name."

"It's up to you. I have a sneaking suspicion that Adams isn't my real family name, anyway."

"Oh? Something you need to tell me?"

"Nothing I can tell you at this point," I replied.

"That should be a very interesting story when you CAN tell it."

"I suspect so. I'll see you at Melanie's wedding. Do you have a date?"

She laughed, "I certainly do. I asked your friend Larry! He's used to getting your leftovers!"

I chuckled, "True, but from what I gather, he's not interested in them."

"It really is perfect. This way, I don't have to fight off some guy trying to get into my panties all night!"

"Well, when you're ready for those kids, let me know. I'll be happy to get into your panties as many times as it takes."

"I'm figuring five times a day for a week when I'm most fertile should do it!" she said with a soft laugh. "But not until at least two years from now."

"When you're ready, I'll be a very happy, and very satisfied sperm donor."

"And I'll be a very happy, and very satisfied, mom! As for the Fall, ask Kara if she'll room with me. I'm fine with it."

"You're the best, Elyse. Thanks."

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I looked at the clock and decided to have lunch and then bake some chocolate chip cookies. I wasn't above bribery to keep Penny calm, and I thought fresh, home-made cookies might help soothe the savage beast that was likely to appear at my door. I was just taking the last batch of cookies from the oven when the doorbell rang. I went to open it and found Penny there, with her arms crossed, looking quite angry.

"Hi, Penny!" I said, standing aside so she could come inside.

"Hi," she said flatly.

I took her to the kitchen and put three warm cookies on a plate and set it in front of her, with a glass of milk. I sat down with a cup of coffee and three cookies. Penny scowled at me, but picked up a cookie and bit into it. Her eyes lit up as she tasted the cookie, then took a drink of milk.

"These are good," she said. "Did you really make them yourself?"

"I did. I made them from scratch. For you, Penny."

"That doesn't mean you're not a jerk!" she said accusingly.

"I know," I agreed. "Will you tell me what's bothering you and talk to me about it?"

"I can't believe you would fuck me and then just throw me away! Why would you do that?! Are you like the boys my mom told me about? Once you got what you wanted, I didn't matter anymore?"

I reeled from the harsh, but accurate, accusation. But I had to keep my wits about me and not do or say anything that would make the situation worse. I had to take my lumps like a man.

"No, Penny," I said gently, "I'm not like that."

"Yes, you are! Jackie told me that I wasn't allowed to be in your bed after the Summer because you had some other girl you promised would be there! You're a jerk!" she declared, tears running down her face.

She was right. I was a jerk. And I had to make sure she understood that I know it.

"Yes, Penny, you're right. What I did was mean, and I acted like a jerk. I didn't treat you right. And Penny, I changed that. The girl is not moving in with me. She won't even move into the house. You can still be in my bed."

"Why would I want to?" she sobbed. "How do I know you won't just decide you don't want me anymore? You want older girls. With more experience. Girls who know how to do more things. Girls who are prettier. Like that girl Kara who was here!"

The funny thing was, or maybe not so funny, was that Kara made girls like Bethany, who was a cute cheerleader type, feel inadequate, even though Bethany was a year older than Kara and damned good looking. To a fifteen-year-old girl, a twenty-year-old like Kara had to be as intimidating as hell.

"Penny, first of all, you're very pretty. I love your sparkling blue eyes and your long blonde hair. I love the rest of you too, all of you."

"But my boobs are small! Guys like big boobs!" she sniffed, fighting back her tears.

"Some do. I don't. I prefer yours. You've seen Cindi, right?"

"Yeah."

"Lots of guys are crazy about her because of the size of her chest. I'm not. I've never even kissed her, Penny."

"But you kiss lots and lots of girls! And you do stuff with them, too!"

"Yes, I do. We can talk about that later, but right now, we're worried about you. I'm worried about you."

"No, you aren't! You wouldn't have done what you did if you were! Did you lie to me to get me into bed?"

"Penny, please relax and let me explain. Will you listen?"

"I guess," she said.

I did my best to explain what happened in terms that she could understand. I finessed the issue of how many girls I'd been with and just said I'd had some bad breakups. As gently as I could, I told her about Jennifer, and how I felt about that, and about Bethany. I explained how Anala had helped me and what I thought I was doing when I asked her to move in with me.

"I made a big mistake because I didn't think about you," I said. "I didn't think about how it would affect you. And most importantly, I didn't think about how it would hurt you. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me."

"Can I ask you some questions? I don't understand some things you said."

"Sure. I'll do my best to explain, if I can. Do you want some more cookies?"

"Yes!" she replied, showing a hint of happiness, though I was sure it was about the cookies, not about our relationship.

I put four more cookies on her plate. If Alice was upset because I ruined Penny's dinner, I'd gladly take the heat for it if it meant making Penny happy again.

"So, what did you want to ask?"

"This girl Jennifer was your girlfriend in High School. But now she likes girls, not boys? That seems really strange. People are like that? I mean, boys and girls get married and have kids and stuff. What do two girls do?"

I did my best to explain Jennifer's attraction to girls, and how she loved Josie and wanted to be with her, but how she also liked me. It was a touchy subject, because I could tell Penny had no exposure to same-sex relationships. In my public school it hadn't been discussed, so I was not surprised that it hadn't been discussed in her Catholic school. She was still a bit confused by it, but seemed to get the gist of the idea of attraction.

"So, you and this Jennifer girl might have a baby, but you won't get married?"

"That's right."

"And that's OK?"

"Penny, if I was totally honest, I'd say that it wasn't OK. I wanted to marry Jennifer, but it doesn't look like that's possible now. She likes girls better, as I said. She's really, really nice, and I think you'll like her. But if you want to be with me, you have to accept the idea that she might have my baby."

"You mean, like if I wanted to marry you?" she asked.

"Yes. But let's worry about that particular event later. Right now, if you want to be with me, you have to accept that I'm going to be with other girls."

"Jackie said you guys did it," Penny said softly.

"Yes, we did. But that was in the past. We're not doing it anymore. She's going to have a steady boyfriend. In fact, right now, I decided I'm not having sex with anyone for a while. Well, that's not quite true. If you decide you aren't mad at me, I'll make love with you anytime you want."

"You would? Only me? Why?"

I smiled, "Yes. Only you, at least for a while. And it's because I don't want to hurt you. I made a big mistake and now I want to fix it."

"You're not just saying that to get me to have sex with you?"

"No. In fact, no matter what we agree, we shouldn't have sex today."

"Why? If I stop being mad at you, why shouldn't we."

"Because I love you Penny," I said.

"You do? You mean that? Like real, honest to goodness love?"

"I mean it!" I said, reaching across the table to take her hand. "I love you, Penelope Margaret O'Neil!"

"I love you, too, Steve. I, uh, don't even know your full name."

"Stephen Mark Adams, but only my mom calls me that!" I replied.

"I don't understand. If you love me, why wouldn't you have sex with me?"

"Because it's a bad idea to go from being angry to having sex without having time to talk about it and think about it. Are you still angry with me?"

"Yes! But not as much as I was when I got here."

"Good. I hope you'll think about it and accept my apology. I really am sorry."

"Can I ask another question?"

"Sure!"

"How do you know you love me? And how do I know?"

"Well, the first one is easy. I like being with you, I care about you, I miss you when you're not here, I think about you a lot, and I wish you were with me more. It's a really special feeling that tells me you're very special. As for how you know, well, I can tell you, or I can show you. I just told you that I love you very much. I show you by treating you like you're special, which you are, and doing nice things for you, and cuddling you. That kind of thing."

"And fucking me?" she smiled.

"Yes, that too, but I think it's better to call it making love. There's a difference."

"Really? What's the difference?"

"Well, one is usually slow, and sweet, and nice. I call it the joining of two souls. The other is just about pleasure."

"Oh, so like the first time we did it and then when I was on top and went a little crazy?" she giggled.

"Yes, like that. But you can go crazy making love, too. It's all in how you feel at the moment. It's hard to explain."

"I guess. But when you decided I couldn't be in your bed, THAT wasn't treating me special!"

"No, it wasn't. It was mean and nasty and was a horrible thing for me to do to you. I hope you can forgive me."

"Yes. I'm still not happy because you were mean."

"I was. And it's OK to be upset with me. I understand. That's part of what loving is about. It's also about forgiving when the other person says that they're sorry and they mean it. That's also being an adult. It's up to you what you want to do, Penny. How do you feel about me?"

"I don't know. I thought I loved you, but then I got so mad at you when Jackie told me about this Anala girl that I hated you!"

I squeezed her hand, "And now? Do you still hate me?"

"No," she said softly.

We sat quietly, the only sounds our breathing. I could sense her mulling things over in her mind.

After a few minutes, she looked up and said, "My mom will be home soon. I don't think she should find me here. Can I come over tomorrow after school?"

"I'm working, but you can come for your usual Wednesday night lesson."

"Which kind?"

"That's totally up to you. Run home so you don't get in trouble and I'll see you tomorrow night. Think about everything I said."

"I will. Thanks for the cookies!" she said.

I walked her to the door, and she started out the door, then turned, kissed me on the cheek, giggled and scampered home. That little kiss made me happier than any kiss I'd ever received in my life. It told me that Penny was going to forgive me. She might not know it yet, but she would do it.