Chapter 36: Corrections

May, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

Bethany and I said our goodbyes, and I walked her out to her car. We kissed before she got into her car, and after she drove off, and I went back inside. My housemates were filtering out, along with my friends, and the house would soon be empty. I let Kara and Jackie know that I was going to pick up Anala. They disappeared together, and I headed out to my car to drive to Bridgeport. Other than a brief greeting and a question about her final project, Anala and I didn't talk much on the way to the house. When we arrived, I made tea, and we went into the Indian room and shut the door.

"I can tell something happened," Anala said.

I detailed the conversations that I'd had the past few days, holding nothing back. I explained how badly what I'd agreed to had hurt Penny, and how it had bothered the other key girls in my life. And, ultimately, how my attitude and feelings had changed.

"What are you asking me?" she said.

I took a deep breath. I had one chance, and it was slim, to salvage the situation. I didn't know if it would work, but I had to try.

"I'm not asking, I'm telling. I can't agree to your condition that my bed is reserved only for you and me. I need you to submit to my will. If you can't, or you won't, then you're free to move into the house, but I cannot have you share my bed in the way that we agreed."

"And your sister?" she asked.

"Of our own free will, we're ending it. Not because you asked or insisted, but because we choose to end it."

Anala was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly.

"You don't need me in the way that you thought that you did. And, you've learned to speak decisively to me, and to decide what it is that you want, and take the steps to achieve it. This is a major success, Steve. It's what I've been hoping that you would do all along. May I ask about Becky?"

"Jackie thinks she knows the solution, but I have to get my house in order, so to speak, before she'll tell me what it is. And she's right. I have to. That's what I'm doing now. Anala, I love you, and I want your help, in fact, I still need it. I need you to help me on my journey of self-discovery, but I do not need you to live with me for that to happen."

"Tell me what to do, Steve. Go on, you can do it."

I thought about it. What was the best possible solution? The one that resolved the issues and created the best possibility of success.

"Continue to live in your apartment and spend Saturday nights with me. Pleasure me as I ask. When you are here, wait on me in whatever manner you believe to be the best."

"As you command," she said, getting down on her knees at my feet. "I am yours."

"Get up, Anala," I said gently. "Today, I need you to be my equal. I think you and Kara should talk."

She smiled. "As you wish, Steve."

"As long as you don't call me 'master'!" I grinned. "I'll leave that to Barbara Eden and Larry Hagman."

She smiled. "Let's go find Kara."

We found Kara and Jackie in the sunroom. I asked Jackie to come with me and left Kara with Anala. Jackie and I went to my study and shut the door. I explained what I'd done with Anala.

"So now, how do I fix things with Penny?" I asked.

"I'm not sure you can," Jackie said carefully, "but as I told you before, being completely honest with her is the only possible way forward. When is Kara leaving?"

"Monday, right after lunch, so she can be home early in the evening. She has to work on Tuesday."

"That'll give Penny a couple of days to calm down. When Kara leaves, I'll go next door and ask Penny to take a walk with me and tell Alice, if she's there, that we'll stop in here for tea and cookies. I'll do my best to get Penny to want to talk to you without telling her anything has changed. She'll need to hear that from you, in a heartfelt apology. I think you have one chance, Steve; don't mess it up."

I sighed. "I'll do my best."

"Good. Now let's go say goodbye to Dave and Julia, and then I need to drive Katy to the airport."

"That's the last of them. It'll just be you, me, and Kara once I take Anala home, and I'll do that while you're gone."

"On my way home, I'm going to visit Jamie and help him pack. He has some buddies helping him move on Monday morning, and I'm going to help, too. I'll be home right after lunch."

"You're a great friend," I said with a smile. 'I'm going to miss having you here. The advice you've given me over the last few months has been nothing short of brilliant."

"Well, except for agreeing about Anala moving in," she sighed. "Thanks. You've treated me wonderfully, and I am going to miss living here. But I have to move on. You understand."

"I do. You have a good chance of a future with Jamie. I assume you'll see him over the Summer?"

"Yes. He's going to be busy with work and studying for the Bar. That's one of the reasons I'm waiting until the beginning of August to move in. Also, can I make a suggestion?"

"Sure."

"Buy a drafting table. Jeremiah likes hanging out here and I'm taking my table with me."

"He's going to miss you!"

"I'll see him on Sundays. I might show up from time to time on Saturdays to draw with him."

"You're welcome anytime. Keep your house key."

Jackie pulled me into a tight hug and gave me a quick, soft kiss. "Tuesday," she whispered.

I nodded, and we walked out of the study. We said 'goodbye' to Dave and Julia, and Katy gave me a hug and a soft kiss. We stood with our arms loosely around each other and looked each other in the eyes, smiled, and kissed again.

"Really?" Julia smirked. "A public kiss?"

"Yeah, we, uhm, were together last semester," Katy admitted sheepishly. "The cat's kind of out of the bag."

Julia laughed, "I know. I knew back then, Katy. You weren't fooling anyone. There was no other reason for you to stay after we all left for Christmas break!"

"I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was," Katy sighed. "Does Cindi know?"

Julia laughed, "She's the one who figured it out! I commented on your travel plans and she said it was clear that you were staying so you could be alone with Steve."

"But she didn't say anything! I expected her to tease me!"

"She said she thought it was cute that you were sneaking around like a High School girl trying to avoid getting caught by her parents. And she was pretty sure that you love Steve."

Katy sighed, "I do. We all do. But he can't provide what most of us want — an exclusive relationship. I told him before we even moved in here that I'd be his girlfriend if he asked, but it would mean giving up all his other girls. And that is something Steve just can't do."

"And he shouldn't try," Jackie said. "It's not who he is. He's surrounded himself with girls who accept the situation, at least for now, and maybe even long-term — Jennifer, Elyse, and Bethany. Hell, all of us are good friends and don't condemn what he does. Not even you, Katy, once you got over your initial shock."

"True," Katy agreed. "You'd think a guy like Steve would be abusive and use girls and toss them aside, but he's never done that as far as I'm aware. And I know a lot more details than most of you do from the survey he filled out for my class."

"We have to get going," Jackie said. "You don't want to miss your flight."

Katy and I released each other, then I hugged Julia and shook hands with Dave. The four of them headed out, and I went to my study to write in my journal while I waited for Kara and Anala to finish talking. I had a lot to write in my journal and needed some time to sort out my thoughts before I tried to talk to Penny. I'd treated her, as well as Bethany and Sofia, quite badly in basically telling them that they were not important enough to bring to my bed. When I called Sofia in the morning, I'd apologize to her as well.

It was nearly an hour before Kara and Anala came back to the study. Anala asked me to take her home so that Kara and I could have some time alone together. I did so and was back home in just under thirty minutes. I found Kara curled up in one of the basket chairs, reading a book.

"What are you reading now?" I asked.

"Just something Doctor Mercer recommended," she replied. "Not something you need, for sure, given it's about seeing the world with an open mind and not being judgmental. I read it the first time when I was having my freak-out about same-sex relationships. I'm reading it again just to see how I'm doing. It's helped me understand you better."

"I think I can sum up my basic thinking on that in one sentence — if I don't want people to judge me, I can't judge them."

Kara smiled, "You see, you've believed that from day one. I didn't. Think about what I was taught from the time I was little. It was 'us' against 'them', and it was our job to avoid all the people in the 'them' category. And that was a lot of people. You don't categorize people in that way."

I chuckled, "Well, I do have one category — call it shithead, I suppose — to which I assign people like my mother. But it's possible to get out of that penalty box. Well, for most people. I don't see her ever changing."

"The same as with Pastor Kent," she said. "And to some extent, my dad. But Mom says he was mellowing about us, at least a bit, anyway."

"What do you want to do? We have the house to ourselves for a few hours. Jackie will probably be home after dinner at some point, but she said she was going to leave us alone. She'll be around tomorrow and go with us out to Sandwich for the skydiving outing. We'll need to leave about 7:30am for that. On Monday morning, she's going over to Jamie's to help him move."

"I just want to be with you, Steve. We don't even have to talk. Just having you near me is perfect. Could you handle being naked with me in the sauna?"

I grinned, "I promise to try very, very hard not to attack you!"

Kara giggled, "Don't try too hard!"

"Not yet, Kara. We're not ready."

"Now you're the one saying it. Interesting."

"You're letting your hormones push you, I think. Intellectually, you know better."

"I do," she sighed. "Let's go."

We managed to spend about thirty minutes in the sauna, naked and only a few inches apart, without attacking each other. For my part, it was a close thing, and I was pretty sure it was for Kara as well. But it was a test that we passed. One that we needed to pass.

We spent the rest of the afternoon sitting close together, but not quite cuddling, reading, and listening to music. I made us a simple dinner and after we ate, we decided to go to the movies. Jackie wasn't home yet, so I left her a note. Kara and I drove to North Michigan Avenue and saw Sixteen Candles. It was good for quite a few laughs. As teen love stories went, I thought it was pretty good, and Kara liked it a lot. Afterwards, we went for ice cream, and then headed back to the house.

"Would you let me sleep in your bed?" Kara asked.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I asked, gently.

"I have two-piece, lightweight flannel pyjamas! I brought them just in case. I knew being naked in bed with you would be a really, really bad idea. Well, you know what I mean!" she giggled.

"I do," I agreed. "Are we moving someplace that we shouldn't? Isn't this all a bit too soon?"

"I have no idea," Kara replied. "It's so confusing."

"What is it that you want? I mean, truly, deep down?"

She was silent for a moment, contemplating. She looked at me, then took my hand.

"I never, ever stopped loving you. If you offered me a ring right now, I'd take it, under whatever conditions you put on it. If that means sharing you with Jennifer, so be it. If that means you have other lovers from time to time, fine. If I can't have that, I want to be your lover, for as long as you'll have me..."

She paused, looking into my eyes.

"But?" I asked, prompting her to continue.

"But I don't know if it's the right thing to do," she sighed. "Just because I want something doesn't mean that it's good for me, or that I should do it."

I nodded. "That's the struggle I have every single day. Go get your flannel pyjamas. I'll put on my silk pyjamas. Tops AND bottoms," I added with a grin.

She smiled and was back ten minutes later, carrying her robe and wearing pink flannel pyjamas that included footies. I chuckled when she walked in and she struck a pose that in a baby doll nighty would have been sexy, but was silly in the pyjamas. We climbed into bed and snuggled close together.

"Thanks, Snuggle Bear," she sighed.

I fell asleep fairly easily, despite being totally conflicted. When I woke in the morning, I slipped quietly out of bed and went for a run. I wasn't keeping up with exercising and I needed to get back into the habit. I jogged through the park with memories of my conversations with Jackie, Kara, Bethany, and Anala swirling through my head. The revelations from Kara didn't really surprise me. Once I'd discovered that she'd had a serious change in her world-view, I'd more or less expected her to tell me she wanted to resume our relationship.

I thought about the odds that Jackie had given and wondered if she was right. It seemed as if she might be. And I wondered what I should do about my trip to Sweden. Sleeping with Sofia was a given. With Karin, I wouldn't until we had our long talk, and if things went the way I expected, she might send me away. There was also the issue of Tina Hoff. She'd been dating, and I wondered if it made sense to simply tell her that it wasn't going to work between us. I was pretty sure that she knew that would be the eventual result, and that's why she had started dating.

I arrived home to find Jackie and Kara getting breakfast ready. I asked how much time I had and they said about ten minutes, which I decided was enough to call and talk to Sofia. I went to my study and dialed her number. I told her about me re-thinking the arrangements in the Fall and how I felt about the unthinking way I'd treated her.

"It takes real guts to admit you made that kind of mistake," she said when I'd finished. "And real courage to fix it. I was upset at you for breaking a promise that you made to me, but what yo've just said goes a long way to recover from that. Admitting to being wrong and taking full responsibility for your actions is pretty mature."

"Thanks. I still feel like crap about it, though."

"You should!" Sofia exclaimed. "I went easy on you when you told me because I didn't want to have a fight with you on the phone. My impulse was to tell you off, but I couldn't. I care too much to do that."

"I would think caring means you should do that. Jackie finally called me on my bullshit, and I thanked her for it."

"I'll remember that! And it would have been a different story once you got here this Summer!"

"I was sure that would be the case. I'm sorry to cut this short, but I need to go. I'm going skydiving today. I'll talk to you next week."