Chapter 34: End of the Semester, Part II

May 1984, Chicago, Illinois

"Hello?" I heard Kara's voice calling from the foyer.

Jackie and I had prepared lunch and were sitting in my study waiting for Kara to arrive. I got up and went to greet her.

"Hi, Kara. Lunch is ready," I said.

"Good. I'm famished!" she said, flashing me a smile.

We exchanged a hug and she and I went to the kitchen. She and Jackie greeted each other, and I got the pot of soup from the stove and brought it to the table. The three of us chatted during lunch, but not about anything of real substance. When we finished, Jackie asked Kara if she could talk to her. Kara looked to me and I nodded my assent. The girls went into my study and shut the door while I cleaned up the dishes from lunch.

Once I'd finished that chore, I ran through a list of everything I'd need for the end of the semester party. We'd decided to keep it totally informal and had spread the word amongst our friends to come if and when they felt like it. There were a few things I needed to get, so I'd make a run to Jewel once Kara and Jackie finished talking. Kara finally emerged from my study, giggling, and Jackie had a wry smile on her face.

"Care to share the humor?" I asked.

"We were just comparing notes!" Jackie said.

"Should I be scared?" I asked with a grin.

"No!" they both said.

"Hmm. That response actually makes me worry! But forget that, I need to go to Jewel to pick up a few things for tonight."

"A party?" Kara asked.

"Low key," I said. "Next year is the major bash because all of us except Elyse will be done with school. We joked last year about our final party being a Bacchanalia. If I remember, it was Elyse's idea."

"A Bacchanalia?" Kara asked.

Jackie smirked and barely contained her laughter.

"Well, to be blunt," I said, "a wild sex party. Everyone naked and available for everyone."

"Oh!" Kara said, blushing. "Uhm, wow!"

"Yeah. Somehow I don't see that happening, unfortunately!" Jackie smirked.

"You would do that? Have sex with random guys?"

"Random? No. Steve? Yes. I might even take a run at Jorge if I could get him away from Queen Big Tits!"

I laughed, "That guy is going to get more action than I am if he's not careful! And really? Queen Big Tits?"

"The way she thinks, those twins let her rule the world, so yeah. Steve, if you ever need an employee to convince guys to sign contracts, she's the one! But by the time this mythical, never going to happen party was supposed to happen, I'll be with Jamie so I couldn't participate, anyway."

"Don't worry, Jackie," I said. "You won't miss a thing. It's not happening. We can't even get Katy into the sauna naked if there's another guy in the house, let alone with one in the sauna. Not to mention Julia being engaged to Dave, Kathy and Kurt ready to get married a few days after her graduation, and other minor inconveniences."

"We'll just have to figure out something really fun, but with a bit of decorum," Jackie said.

"I need to run to the store. Do either of you want to come?"

"Yes!" they both said, giggling.

"At the store?" Jackie said. "Now that'd be a first!"

I sighed, "Cute girls, cute. Let's go."

"Maybe I'll check out the BANANAS or the CUCUMBERS!" Jackie said, almost in tears.

"I prefer cherries, thank you very much!" I said, deciding to play along.

"You got all of mine, Snuggle Bear!" Kara giggled.

"OK, OK. This has gone far enough," I laughed. "Let's go."

We went to Jewel and picked up the few things I needed, then we headed back home. Cindi had gone to Moo & Oink earlier in the week to pick up bulk hamburgers. I usually got my bulk meat there, because their prices were the best and their quality was very good, and I could use the deep freezer in the basement so that I could buy in even larger quantities to get lower prices.

The girls helped me prepare the fixings, and when we finished, we stashed them in the fridge. I made some tea, and Kara and I took it to the Indian room and shut the door behind us.

"Why am I here?" Kara asked.

"Don't you want to be?" I asked, taken aback at the blunt question.

"I do, but I'm wondering why you invited me. The real reason."

"Anala strongly suggested that I needed to spend time with you and figure out my feelings for you. Is that a problem?"

"No, it isn't a problem. I guess my question really is, what is it that you want? What are your feelings?"

"Right now, I'm in an odd place. Some stuff came up with Anala that really rocked my world, and I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe I should have had you postpone your trip until I sorted it out."

"Can I help?" Kara asked. "I want to help, but you didn't answer my question, either."

"I still love you," I said. "That's never, ever been a question. But I don't even know what that means anymore. I'm not sure that you or anyone can help right now."

"That does not sound like the Steve Adams I know. The Steve Adams I know always went to his closest friends for help, and if they couldn't help, got professional help. Just like he insisted that I do. Tell me what's got you so tied up in knots, Snuggle Bear."

"You keep using that nickname. Are you trying to tell me something?"

She sighed, "Yes and no. What I want, what I need, and what I'm ready to do are not the same things. If it makes you uncomfortable, I can stop."

"I'm not sure what it makes me feel. I guess that's the problem. Don't worry about it."

"I always worry about you. Now, tell me, what's the big problem."

"Becky," I said, my voice barely audible.

"Steve Adams, did you have sex with that girl?" Kara asked, a look of horror on her face. "If you did, then I should just go home right now. That would be the single most self-destructive thing you could ever do!"

"No! I didn't. And I don't want to! The problem, which Anala identified, is that I'm still in love with Becky, and that Becky, not Birgit, was the one true love of my life. And until I resolve my feelings, I'll be at risk for a relapse, if you will. Anala thinks, and Bethany agrees, that I was drowning myself in meaningless sex to try to suppress my feelings. They popped out from time to time, resulting in the pregnancy, a close call early during my Senior year, then the incident where I cheated on you."

"DO you love her?" Kara asked.

"I'm pretty sure that I do. I've been fighting that for years. Stephanie always called it the moth and flame."

"And according to Anala, you have to sort that out once and for all? Or you'll end up cheating with Becky again sometime in the future."

"Yes. And think just how disastrous that would be! You would think knowing that, I'd be able to control it. But I couldn't control it two weeks after I asked you to go steady! My sister is right. And Anala is right. I need to break the spell, or, as Anala says, banish the demon."

"So get some professional help," Kara said.

I smiled wryly at the simplicity of the solution. Jackie had suggested that I treat it like an addiction and resolve each day not to succumb. Maybe I did need to have my head shrunk to get over Becky once and for all.

"I have no idea why I didn't think of that," I said. "It's perfect!"

I got up, took her hand and pulled her up from her chair and hugged her. I kissed her, meaning for it to be a quick, loving kiss, but it turned into a searing French kiss. Kara moaned softly into my mouth and her nipples hardened and pressed into my chest, and to my surprise after the night I'd had with Jackie and Elyse, I became instantly erect. I was sure Kara could feel it, and I knew I was close to doing something we weren't ready for. I broke the kiss, and we both gasped.

"Well, I'd say we still have it," she giggled when we'd released each other from our tight hug. "Another five seconds and I don't know if I could have stopped."

"Yeah," I said, adjusting my pants for comfort. "More like one second."

"So, now that we've solved your problem, what else am I doing here?"

"Besides making me remember all the insanely pleasurable moments we had together?" I chuckled.

"Yes, besides that!"

"Being my friend. Helping me through my issues. And I'll help you."

"And where do you want it to end?" she asked.

"With both of us happy."

"Together?" she asked, tilting her head.

"I have no destination in mind except happiness. If you want that, then we have a lot of work to do, with no guarantee that it'll ever progress beyond deep friendship."

"I know," Kara sighed, but then smiled, "And I will point out that you do fuck some of your close friends!"

"That's true. But I'm careful about that. You seem to be more, well, free, I guess."

"Do you remember escaping from your mom's clutches?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. Vividly."

"I escaped from my dad's. Remember how my mom told you that I was a free spirit? Well, that was the inner conflict that tore me up and eventually led to my destructive behavior."

"What about church and God?" I asked.

"Someday, I might be able to go back to a church that taught that God's love was his most important quality, and that his justice could never outweigh his love."

"So, no more Calvinism. That's good, Kara. Very, very good."

"And no church for quite some time. Just as you had to break away from your mom's church, I had to break away from my dad's. And the Free Church wasn't enough of a break."

"And your sense of right and wrong?" I asked.

"Like yours. Be kind and treat others as I want to be treated. Love everyone, and I don't mean physically, Steve Adams!"

I chuckled, "Touché. And limits?"

"Only what I am comfortable with and that I think through in advance. Like you do. I have some obvious limits, which I think you can guess."

"I think so. So what about school?" I asked.

"I decided to get my degree in Chemistry and then teach High School."

I knew, even before I asked, what the answer to my next question was going to be. And it was going to create quite an uncomfortable situation.

"Where are you going to school?"

"IIT," she said brightly. "Each of the last two years, I simply deferred my attendance. I will have to reapply if I don't start in August."

"That application has an old address on it. How did you make that work?"

She smiled, "When I first decided to stay home, I simply gave them a temporary mailing address, saying I was helping my mom after my dad died. I just have to change my home address. It's up to you, Steve. I have enough money to stay in the dorms if you want me to."

I put my head in my hands. Suddenly, I'd developed a severe headache, my temples pulsing and my blood pressure high enough I could see my pulse when I closed my eyes. I should have expected this when she played coy with her answer when we'd talked about it earlier in the year. I missed the obvious signs.

"That's a heck of a thing to lay on me out of the blue, Kara," I said after a couple of minutes of silence, during which I willed myself to relax.

"Well, let's take the practical part first. Is there room here for me?"

"Yes, one way or the other, there's room. There are two guest rooms in the basement, or I could remodel my study into a bedroom. I did that for Stephie when we called it quits."

"Anala's going to be with you for your Senior year?"

"That's the plan, yes. And Sofia is going to be here in August, too. She's going to Loyola. She'll be rooming with Cindi, taking Jackie's place. Elyse, Julia, and Katy have their own rooms. After that, most likely it'll be Elyse, because she has two years of grad school, Sofia because she has seven years of school, Anala, and Stephanie. I expect Julia, Katy, and Cindi to move out. So it'd work, I guess."

"Anala is staying? I thought it was only for your Senior year."

"That's in my bed. Once Senior year is over, she'll move to her own room, and move out when she's ready to marry or I decide to marry."

"You'd be OK with me being here? You looked like you were going to have a stroke or something."

I gave her a wry smile, "When is my life EVER simple, Kara? The more I try to simplify it, the crazier it seems to get!"

"So don't simplify it! Why fight what works? Sure, you've had issues, but you work through them. Do you enjoy your life?"

"Usually, I guess."

"You guess? Are you beating yourself up because Anala and Bethany told you that you tried to drown your feelings for Becky in sex? If so, those two are looking a gift horse in the mouth. I will never, ever complain about you having sex with me! You can take that to the bank. If I could just have a casual fling and you would be OK with it, I'd be in your bed right now with your big dick in my tight little pussy, sexy mouth, and cute ass!"

I laughed, "Kara Blanchard, you are amazing. You've become the woman I'd hoped you would become."

"Not yet, Steve. It's easy to say stuff like that to you, and, without the vulgarity, to Doctor Mercer. It's a whole different thing to actually live it and be comfortable with it. Until I can do THAT, I can't even think about those things. No, that's not quite true; I can THINK about them, I just can't do them, no matter how crazy it drives me."

"You're horny!" I chuckled.

"Well, of course I am!" Kara exclaimed. "It was all I could do not to have you four or five times at Christmas! And the two times that we've kissed deeply, I've almost ripped your clothes off. It's your fault, too! You flipped a switch on me on January 9th, 1981. And while my emotional state kind of put a damper on my desire, Christmas made it come roaring back."

"And?" I asked with a smile and an arched eyebrow.

"No way! We can't and you know it. Not yet, anyway. I hope someday, but not yet."

"So, you're going to torture yourself?"

"Call it penance, if you must. I know that's a word that you know."

"Yeah. It's a bit different from saying five Hail Mary's and five Our Father's after confession," I declared with a goofy smile. "I think I like the new Kara even better than the old one. And I liked the old one a lot!"

"That's good to hear. But I know the situation. I've talked to some of the other girls. I know what happened with Jennifer, and I have to say I'm truly sorry, though I guess in the end, other than a marriage certificate, you get what you wanted all along. The girls think Bethany has the inside track now. And I guess you do, too, given the gift you gave her," Kara said, fingering her diamond pendant.

"It's a token of love, Kara. It doesn't diminish the one I gave you in any way."

"But doesn't it commit you to her?"

"Only in the same way it did with you. To work towards a future together, in a serious way. And yes, there is a very good possibility of that happening."

"What about Karin?"

"I don't see how that ever happens and I'm going to tell her that this Summer. It was a fantasy with Birgit, and I replaced Birgit with Karin when she died."

"And Sofia?"

"She's coming here for school. Yes, she hopes it will lead to something between us, but she's not counting on it. She is certainly hoping for it."

"And if I find that I'm ready at some point in the future to resume a relationship with you?"