Chapter 32: A Well-Lived Life?, Part III

April, 1984, Chicago Illinois

"Who goes first?" I asked.

"I believe I should," Anala said. "I have the more important concern, really."

"I agree. Becky is not as nearly important as Stephanie. Go ahead."

"I wondered, for several months, what you were hiding from me. I had all manner of speculation as to what it could be. A criminal past. Some terrible thing you might have done to a girl. Some other dark part of your past. Never would I have guessed it was a sexual relationship with your sister. Something told me to say 'yes' when you asked if you should kiss her. Perhaps something in my subconscious. In any event, once I saw you kiss her, I knew."

"So did Elyse," I said. "She's known me since before it started and I guess there were a bunch of things that didn't make sense to her, but like you, she would never have guessed. Then Stephanie and I foolishly kissed. We covered it such that nobody else seemed to be overly suspicious, but you and Elyse know me too well."

"And what was Elyse's reaction?"

"At first, shock, but then she said that she would never abandon me. Jackie was there when Elyse sprung the question that trapped me, so she knows as well. She had a fairly visceral reaction, as you did, but in the end, she, too, said she wouldn't abandon me. Unsurprisingly, neither of them wished to have sex, and I didn't ask, because of the conversation we had, but they both slept with me each night this week. It was very intimate, but not sexual."

Anala smiled, "You're learning. But this is a serious issue that we need to discuss and deal with if you still want me to live with you in the Fall."

"I know. I didn't expect otherwise."

"We still need to talk this through, but I will keep my promise if you put an end to it before I move in."

I smiled, "That's exactly what Jackie, and I predicted you would say."

"You discussed this with her?"

"Yes. And she gave me very, very good advice. She noticed on Sunday night that I was down in the dumps when I came home from dropping you off, while I'd been very happy when I left to go to Penny's party. She got Elyse and the two of them talked to me. I talked more with Jackie later."

"And what did you conclude?"

"I talked to Stephanie, and we agreed we have to bring this to an end. She's going to come visit for a few days in July and that will be it. We both know that it's run its course. It was more or less naturally fading away, anyway."

"If you intend to be with her that way in July, then I cannot be with you before then. So long as you two are lovers, I cannot be your lover."

"I understand. I guess I more or less expected that. Are we not going to see each other until then?"

"Well, next week we both need to study, and the following week is finals. I have my project review on Friday. After that, I think Kara's visiting, but then we are free until Jennifer and her girlfriend come to visit. I would be happy to see you at any time during that time, but just as intimate friends."

"I certainly can't ask for anything more than that. Before I switch to the topic of Becky, did you get your job offer?"

"Yesterday. I would have called you with the exciting news, but it didn't seem right."

I sighed, "That sucks, you know? It should have been a cause for us to celebrate. I apologize for ruining that for you."

"It's OK. These things happen. Skidmore, Owings & Merrill!" she smiled.

"Congratulations!" I said.

"Thanks. I start on June 4th."

"Will you still house sit while I'm in Sweden?"

"Yes, of course. I haven't stopped being your intimate friend, Steve. I just can't be your lover while you are involved in that way with your sister."

"I understand. Now, the other issue," I sighed. "I think you're right. I think the problem with Becky all along was that I loved her and never really stopped. I tried to suppress it and every time I was around her, I was drawn to her by that love. A love which I denied each time I saw her after we broke up, all the way to a trip to Iowa City to see a mutual friend not too long ago."

"So, what are you going to do?" Anala asked.

"Nothing. At least that's what I'm thinking. It's been too long and there's so much water under the bridge. Even if at one point she was my one true love, I don't think she is at this point. I think it just opens a can of worms that I don't want to deal with."

"Steve, if, and I'm not saying she is, but if she's your destiny, and you refuse to accept it, your life will be a series of failed relationships as you struggle to fill the void. Does this sound familiar?"

"Shit," I sighed. "I can't do it. I can't."

"If I'm right, you need to find a way to break the spell; to break the pattern of your life."

"Isn't that what's happening with you coming to live with me?"

"Maybe. But it's only part of the answer. I'm to keep you from getting involved with new girls, and that duty I shall execute faithfully!" she exclaimed with a smile.

"You're going to take pleasure in that, aren't you?" I replied with a goofy smile.

"Yes, of course I am! I will require you to be completely honest and open with me. No more secrets. As of August 10th, or so, you are on a very short leash. I'll let you off any time you wish, but then I will move into another room and we will no longer be together. The same is true if you violate my rule about our bed. You get no second chances. And, Steve, if you ever violate my rule about your sister, I will leave and you will never see me again. Ever. There is no redemption from that error."

"I understand. I accepted your conditions before, and I accept the new one as well. I'm curious; do I need permission from you to be with girls that I'm with now?"

"Permission? Not in the way you mean. But I need to know where you are each night you are not with me, and whom you are with. I can't fulfill my role without that information. So yes, you can continue playing with your friend next door, if that's what you are worried about!" she smirked.

"I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular, but thank you. But we got off the topic. What are you telling me? That I should try to become intimate, your way, I mean, with Becky? And see what happens? I'm afraid of where that will lead."

"Where will it lead?"

"To bed. And that will be the end of my relationships with Jennifer and Bethany. And my sister will be extremely pissed."

"And why is that? Think it through. Why did they tell you to stay away from her?"

My head was spinning and my stomach threatened to expel its contents.

"Because she was a threat to them," I said. "Because she WAS what you say she was. I honestly do not feel well right now."

"Let's go to your room, I'll help you," Anala said.

Anala took my arm and steadied me. We walked through the kitchen and she saw Katy.

"Help me, please," Anala said.

"Oh my gosh! Steve! What's wrong?" Katy asked, clearly worried.

"I'm just feeling sick. Just help Anala get me up to my room and onto my bed," I said.

The two girls got me upstairs, via the elevator, and onto the bed. Katy looked concerned, but Anala gently shooed her from the room. Anala took a blanket from the shelf in my closet and put it over me, then sat down on the loveseat.

"The emotions around this situation are so strong that it made you physically ill. You've been suppressing them for five years, and you only let them out once, at that conference when you two made love. I'm surprised it hasn't eaten you alive by now. I was sort of kidding about drowning yourself in meaningless sex, but I think that was you 'self-medicating', as Bethany would probably call it. You have a real problem. But now that we've identified it, you can actually confront it."

"Yeah," I croaked. "But I'm scared shitless!"

"That's normal when we confront our inner demons. You solved the problem with your mom with Bethany's help. Now you have to solve this one. Conquer this second demon and you will be truly free. If you don't solve it, you will ruin every relationship you have trying to suppress it or run away from it."

"But what if I don't like the solutions?" I said, a tear running down my cheek.

"It's not about liking or disliking. You must confront the demon, meet it head on, and defeat it. Or succumb to it. The former is the path to moksha. The latter is the path of death and reincarnation, and an even longer struggle to free your Atman and discover the truth."

"And how do I conquer it?" I asked.

"That's an interesting question. I do not think you will like what I have to say about this. Do you wish to hear it?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Slaying the demon has two possible paths — an end to your love for her or confirmation of your love for her. Succumbing means refusing to take either path. Both paths start at the same place, but end in far different places. One ends with you eventually saying goodbye to her. The other ends with you marrying her and being perfectly monogamous."

"But where do they start?" I asked.

"As I said, they both start at the same place. The place of creative power. The place of expression of love. A place you have been before and I think you must be again if you wish to slay this demon."

"No way," I hissed, crying harder.

"You asked my opinion. Both paths to slaying this demon start at her yoni. They must."

"You're telling me that to slay the demon, I have to ruin my relationships with the other girls, even if I don't end up with Becky?!" I wailed, then growled, "No!"

"Steve, calm down, please! Breathe deeply and listen to me. Do you remember telling me that Joyce told you that you were too honest? This is a situation that she was referring to. Say nothing at all to the other girls. They do not need to know. If, in the end, you decide to be with Becky, then you will have to tell them and will make the conscious decision to tell them. And then they have the responsibility to listen to you and accept your choice. On the other hand, if you slay the demon, they will benefit, and need never know HOW you have slain it."

"God damn it, Anala!" I growled. "I can't do that! I cannot have sex with her!"

"Perhaps you do not need to. Perhaps you do. But you must be truly open to the possibility in order to reject it. Do you understand that?"

"I'm not sure," I said.

"If you say 'no' because you are resolved to not even consider it, that is different from confronting the real possibility and saying 'no'. If you exclude the possibility, are you truly confronting the demon? Or trying to avoid him, and thus succumbing to him?"

"I hate this!" I sobbed. "It's too risky!"

"Life is full of risks," Anala said. "There are no safe plays. Ever. Everything we do has consequences. You may not see them right away — it could be years down the road when the negative consequences hit. Think about cigarette smoking. Other than perhaps a slight cough or maybe a sore throat, you're fine, but then thirty years later you have cancer. I'm sure you've heard the analogy of a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan causing a tornado in Kansas."

"Yes," I sniffed, trying to get control of my emotions. "How did I get myself into this mess?"

"By living a fantasy. That's why you need to stop living the fantasy that Jennifer will stop being a lesbian and marry you. Accept what she can offer you — eternal love, fulfilling sex, and children. Do you need the piece of paper to confirm your love for her?"

"No," I sighed.

"Two fantasies and an abusive mother nearly ruined your life. You've defeated that second demon. Defeat the first and set yourself free, Steve. THAT is your destiny, if you wish perfection."

"You really think it all stems from Birgit?"

"Well, no. It stems from Becky. Birgit was the catalyst. And you substituted Karin for Birgit to keep the fantasy alive. Have you resolved that situation?"

"Not with Karin directly, but I have in my mind. I'll see Karin this Summer."

"Be forthright with her, Steve. Explain everything that we've talked about. Have a deep, honest conversation with her. Let what happens take care of itself. Do not have a planned outcome. Just truth. Nothing more."

"I will."

"And you will confront your demon with Becky?"

I chuckled, "Jennifer, Stephanie, and Bethany would say that Becky IS the demon!"

"Which is true. Not in the sense that she's an evil spirit, but that she is a threat to them. And to you."

"So I need to see her tomorrow with an open mind and willingness to make love with her, and then avoid doing so, to slay the demon?"

"Yes and no. That's one solution, but it's not an open mind if you decide the outcome in advance."

I sighed and sat up in my bed.

"This is a no-win scenario with no good solutions that I can think of," I said.

"See her tomorrow and simply let things progress. Do not push, do not pull."

"And if she pushes or pulls? Can I resist?"

"You could, obviously. You will find your way through this, Steve. I'm sure of it."

"If that way leads through making love, my life is over," I sighed.

"No, it is not. That's the thinking that got you into trouble. But we're going in circles now. You've made progress in learning the source of your problem. That's the important thing for today."

There was a soft knock at the door and Anala called out for whoever it was to come in.

"Katy and I made dinner," Elyse said. "She said Steve was ill. Do you two want to eat?"

Anala looked at me.

"Yeah, I think so," I said.

We went down to dinner, and I ate sparingly. My stomach was in knots, but I knew I needed to eat something. When we finished eating, Elyse suggested that I sit in the sauna, and I agreed. She, Anala, and Jackie joined me and the four of us sat quietly in the steam. I heard a whispered conversation between Anala and Jackie, but I tuned it out. I was sure I knew the content.

After the sauna, Anala went to my room and, after a quick shower, got into bed. She snuggled close, and I put my arm around her. I had a hard time falling asleep, despite the relaxing sauna. I was dreading being with Becky and approaching her with an open mind. It was at least an hour before I finally fell asleep. I had several nightmares, all of them about being with Becky and ruining my other relationships. When I woke in the morning, I was anything but rested.

After breakfast, I walked Anala to the El, and then walked home to meet Penny. We went to my study, and she sat down at the computer while I pulled out my books to begin studying for exams. Jackie came in with a pot of tea shortly afterwards.

"Can we talk?" Jackie asked.

"Sure. Penny, I'm going to sit in the kitchen with Jackie. If you need me, just call out."

"For anything?" she giggled.

"Penny, behave," Jackie said with a laugh.

"Adults!" Penny groused.

I went over to her and whispered in her ear, "You like the adult things we do, Penny O'Neil!"

"I do!" she exclaimed happily.

I took my tea and went to sit with Jackie.

"Tell me what you think about Karl Marx or Ayn Rand," Jackie said.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"You've read The Communist Manifesto and Atlas Shrugged. What do they have in common?"

"They ask the right questions, identify problems, but come up with absolutely horrid solutions. Why?"

"I talked to Anala last night; I'd say it's the same situation. She identified the problem, but her solution is pretty horrid. Find another way, Steve. If you do what she said, it's likely to go completely sideways."