Chapter 30: A Well-Lived Life?, Part I

April, 1984, Chicago Illinois

"Why do you say that Becky was my greatest failure?" I asked.

"You let your fantasy with Birgit ruin what might have been your perfect, stable, permanent relationship. You let a fantasy ruin the girl who might really have been your one, true love, if you believe in that sort of thing. And I think you still do."

She was probably right about me believing that, but that was something to deal with later.

"Becky?" I asked incredulously. "My one, true love? What about Jennifer? Or even Bethany?"

"We'll get to Bethany in a bit," Anala said. "Jennifer is another fantasy, Steve," she said gently. "One you still cling to."

I sighed, "Because I think it's possible that she and I will get married?"

"Yes. As for Becky, you had a girl who was hopelessly devoted to you, whom you loved, and with whom you were quite compatible. You two were intimate before you were lovers, despite both of your best efforts to do it the other way around. You broke up with her because she was looking for a commitment. And then you spent years trying to find a girl for that kind of commitment, ignoring the one who not only could, but would, have made it.

"Think about what your sister said, according to what you wrote in this journal. Stephanie said that Becky was the flame to your moth. You couldn't explain it, and I think that's because you didn't WANT to explain it. You knew, deep down, that you'd thrown away what might have been your one true chance of a perfect lifetime commitment. You still love her. And now you've spent five years trying to find true love again. And you've failed. Miserably, in fact.

"So you drowned your feelings in endless, meaningless sex. And those chickens have finally come home to roost. You asked me to move in with you because you feel empty. Oh, there were other ostensible reasons, but in the end, it's emptiness. Bethany recognized that. Her studies have given her some tools to understand everything she's seen in you for the past seven years. She sent you to me, and I think with good reason.

"You've been with something like sixty girls, according to what you've said. Maybe, like Bethany said, that's enough. In fact, I'd say that it's more than enough. How many of those girls did you truly care about? I mean, in a way that justified having sex with them? Ten? Five? One?"

"I don't know anymore," I said, feeling defeated. "I thought all of them, except perhaps one or two."

"You don't know. Isn't that something you SHOULD know?"

"Yes. But all of them are still friends."

"Did you need to have sex with them to make them friends? Do you have a single, close female friend that you have not had sex with?"

Cindi, but that was only a matter of timing, and she wasn't really that close. Otherwise, the answer to that question was a clear and resounding 'no'.

"I guess not," I said. "Don't you think I care about you?"

"Yes, I think you do. But caring for all the girls enough to have sex? No way, Steve! I want you to think it through, and on Friday, tell me which girls you REALLY cared enough about to be with. And why."

"So you're coming back on Friday? Even knowing about Stephanie and me?"

"At least to talk. I still need time to think about this situation. I won't abandon you, Steve. No matter what I decide, I will be your friend. We have a deep bond that even this revelation can't break. But sexual intimacy? That I have to think about. And you should, too. Bethany was right — it's enough. It really is."

"What about Bethany?" I asked.

"That's a conundrum. She's made some tremendous compromises to try to be with you, including accepting your relationship with Stephanie, and accepting that you will probably never be monogamous. But I don't know that she can accept those things forever. Maybe she can. But I don't know. You could be walking down a path that leads to complete disaster. I can't see clearly enough to know, and neither can you."

"What are you telling me?" I asked.

"Know yourself and be true to yourself. This journal is an amazing resource. Read it and figure out who you really are. Find your Atman, Steve."

"Will you keep helping me?" I asked.

"Of course. I think it's time for you to take me home. Come get me Friday, as usual."

"A command?" I asked.

"Yes. I cannot submit to you now. I'm confused, Steve; I'll admit that. Give me some time to think about it. In the meantime, practice mindfulness. Do nothing without careful consideration. We'll talk on Friday."

I sighed, "OK. Let me lock up the journal and then we'll go."

"Does your journal have a title?" she asked.

"No. I never thought it needed one. Do you have a suggestion?"

She smiled, "Yes. A Well-Lived Life."

"What?!" I asked, surprised. "Didn't you just tell me that I'd made many mistakes and you're considering a change to our relationship because of today's revelation?"

"Yes, but I think, in the end, your karmic balance will be positive and you will have moved towards moksha. That is the only thing by which to judge how your life has been lived."

I locked up the journal and shut down the computer. We grabbed our coats and went out to the car. I drove Anala home in silence, with the only sound being the low rumble of the engine and the hiss of tires on damp pavement. When we got to Bridgeport, I walked Anala to her door, but didn't move to kiss her. She smiled, gave me a quick, friendly hug, and then turned and went inside.

Back at home, I went to my study and turned the computer back on. Before I typed anything, I called Jennifer in California. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to her, but I knew missing the call would cause her serious concern. I wasn't going to tell her about the conversation with Anala during the call, because I wasn't ready to do that. The implications of some of the things Anala said seriously disturbed me, and I wanted to sort them out before talking to Jennifer.

"Happy birthday!" Josie said when she answered and heard my voice.

"You again?" I chuckled. "Thanks."

"Yes, me again. You can't get rid of me that easily, Steve! I think at this point Jennifer and I come as a matched set."

I suppressed a sigh. That was one of my issues; one to which I was increasingly unlikely to bring to my desired resolution. If I even knew what the hell that was at this point.

"I never expected to get rid of you! Is Jen there?"

"Of course! She was waiting for your call. I grabbed the handset before she could get it. If she's going to call me a bitch then I should act like one!"

"Give me the phone!" I heard Jennifer demand.

"Give me a kiss!" Josie giggled.

There was commotion on the other end of the line, the handset was dropped and I heard a lot of giggling. Then Jennifer came on the line.

"Sorry. I had to tickle the phone away from her! Happy birthday, Steve!"

"Thanks, Jennifer. You two are pretty silly, you know that?"

"Oh yeah! We play fight, but the making up is out of this world! You'll see! How was your birthday?"

"Overall, pretty good. Everyone was here. And I mean everyone. Well, except you and Stephie, and I totally understand. Even Katt and Mikael were here, not to mention my sister, Kara, Joyce, Larry, Melanie and, believe it or not, Josh and Mary."

"Kara and Joyce in the same room? How did that work?"

"They avoided each other except to say 'hello'. I'd say that's actually pretty good, considering Kara's situation."

"I heard from Bethany that she had an interesting surprise on her birthday. Well, two, to be exact."

"Don't read too much into the second surprise. I still have a lot of thinking to do. And you know how I feel about you."

"I do. We can talk it through this Summer, or at Christmas. Or both, I suspect."

"Face-to-face makes sense."

"Did Penny have her birthday party?" Jennifer asked, and I could almost hear the smirk on her face.

"Yes. She loved her presents, and so did I!" I said.

"That good?" Jennifer giggled.

"Yes, Jen. That good."

"Our tickets came today. We arrive on the 4th and we go home on the 12th, so you can go to Joyce's graduation."

"Cool. Where are you flying from?"

"Seattle. Josie's going to come home with me. It's time to have her meet my parents. When we leave Chicago, we're flying to Minneapolis so we can go see her parents. I'll fly home to Seattle after that."

"How's your dad taking this?" I asked.

"Like you would expect. He was pretty bent out of shape, especially given that he thought you and I were on track to get married. Mom knows what I'm planning, and she's supportive, the way she always has been, even though I know she's not totally comfortable with my choices."

"I hope that all goes well, Jen. Even though it kind of makes our conversation this Summer moot."

"No, it doesn't. Let's talk when I'm there, please. I promise it's not moot."

"I love you Jen," I said.

"I love you, Steve," she said.

I heard kissing noises in the background. I suspected that Josie was teasing Jennifer.

"Excuse me, but I need to hang up. There is someone here who is in need of a severe tickling!"

"Bye, Jen!" I chuckled.

I hear a squeal just before the handset on the other end landed in the cradle, disconnecting the call. I replaced my receiver in the cradle and then turned to my computer. I started writing in my journal, trying to sort out my feelings. It wasn't easy, and thoughts were swirling around in my head so fast that I couldn't come to any conclusions. My fear was that, with final exams coming in two weeks, I'd be so distracted that I wouldn't be able to focus, and that I'd blow my GPA.

It was nearly midnight when I finally stopped writing and shut down my computer. I took the teapot and cups to the kitchen and headed up to my room. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tired, and ready to simply fall into bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and empty my bladder, then tossed my clothes in the hamper and walked back into the bedroom to find Jackie sitting on my loveseat.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Everything," I sighed. "I just want to sleep."

"Should I leave?" she asked.

"That's up to you, but sex is the last thing on my mind. And that's with anyone, not you specifically."

She nodded, "I'll be right back."

I climbed into bed. Jackie was back two minutes later, but she wasn't alone. She and Elyse, both wearing sleep shirts, got into bed on either side of me. Jackie reached over and turned off the reading light on the table next to the bed, and both girls cuddled me as I fell asleep. They were still next to me when I woke up on Monday morning.

"Are you ready to talk?" Jackie asked when I disengaged from the girls and climbed out of bed.

"Yes and no. I really don't want to get into it now. How did you know something was wrong?"

"You came home from Penny's party and went straight to your study where Anala was holed-up all evening. You took her home and then came to your room without a word and with a grim look on your face. When you left to go to Penny's, you were on top of the world. Clearly something happened."

"I suppose it was obvious. Let's talk after school. Just the three of us."

"Why do I get the sense that your offer of the best sex ever may have been withdrawn?"

"Ask me again tonight, OK?" I said. "I do need to run to the bank after my last class, but after that, when you guys get home, we can talk."

"Can I ask about that check from Joyce's grandfather? Your eyes were like saucers," Jackie said.

I grinned, "He does have his moments."

I handed her the envelope. She looked at the check and her eyes nearly bugged out of her skull.

"This is a joke, right? I mean, nobody gives someone this much money for their birthday when they aren't related! Or even if they are!"

Elyse laughed, "It's no joke. I don't even need to know the amount to know it's no joke. Steve's patron takes VERY good care of him. I don't know the details, but somehow Joyce is involved in all of this. It's one of the few things that he doesn't talk about."

"Maybe I should read the note that's attached," Jackie said.

"Maybe not," I said firmly, taking the envelope from her. "And please don't mention the amount to anyone. I probably shouldn't have shown you. That said, you and Jeremiah should get the formal plans for the new porch signed off so we can have his dad get to work."

"Yeah, I guess you can afford that now. And a whole lot of other stuff!"

"Most of it will go into the bank and stay there. I'll invest a bit, but mostly it'll be seed money for starting my business. I'm at a point where I think I can hire someone almost right away without risking running out of money."

"Dave?" Elyse asked.

"Probably. But don't say anything to anyone. It's a year away."

"Got it," Elyse said. "By the way, Penny was an excellent actress last night! First kiss? I almost lost it right then."

"You weren't the only one!" Jackie said.

"It was all I could do to keep a straight face as well," I said.

"And that kiss with Stephanie?" Elyse asked.

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," I replied.

"It was just a kiss, Elyse," Jackie said. "I could see doing something like that with my brother one time as a joke, like Steve did. It would be kind of gross, but it's not like I'd do anything with him, you know?"

"I guess," Elyse replied, not sounding convinced.

I said nothing, but got up and went to shower. The girls left to shower and dress, and then we all met in the kitchen for breakfast. When we finished, I headed to IIT. With only two weeks before finals, we were coming to the end of new material. The following week would be review, and then we'd have our exams. I'd be finished with my third year of college.

When I arrived home, I took the check from Don Joseph to the bank and deposited it, then walked home. I went to my study and called the stock broker my dad had recommended and put in an order to buy more of each of the stocks I owned, including more shares in Apple. IBM was making some inroads, but the Macintosh seemed to be the future, and IBM had nothing to offer in that regard. Apple had released the IIc, but, after reading all the reviews of the Macintosh, I was sure I wanted one, but I was waiting for the expected updated model with more RAM.

Jackie stuck her head in the study and said that Elyse was delayed, so she suggested that we talk after dinner. I agreed and pulled out my textbooks. I had all my projects and papers done, and all that remained was daily homework, which was mostly reading. I'd get my formal semester review from Scott at Nuvatec on Thursday, which would be my last day of work until after exams.