Chapter 22: A Turning Point?

March, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

I walked home in the chilly air and went straight to my study to write in my journal. I wrote a couple of paragraphs, then stopped. I looked at the clock, and despite the late hour, I decided to call Bethany. I was happy that I hadn't woken her, and I explained what had happened.

"If I'd had a choice," I said sadly, "I would have chosen her as a friend. Having sex with her wasn't important to me."

"No, but it was important to her. You just told me what she said, and I've talked to her a number of times since I saw her in Chicago."

"Did you know that she was going to do this?"

"No. I knew she thought she was ready to start dating. You guys went on some practice dates, I guess you would call them."

"Yes, and there was a bit of kissing, but nothing more. I figured that was a combination of her being nervous about it and knowing that I wasn't available to be her boyfriend. She said her therapist told her to find someone that was strong, kind, and patient, and she decided that was me. I feel used, Bethany."

"For a guy who has had sex with so many different girls, you're taking this kind of hard."

"It feels like Kellie Linden all over again. I'm friends with Stephie, Katt, Kathy, Julia, Mary, Tracey, and Melanie. I'm friends with Annie, for God's sake! I'm even friends with Becky."

"Not everyone can handle that kind of relationship, Steve. You've been extremely lucky. And I mean extremely. Do you think that you'll stay friends with Karin when you break things off with her? I hope not, because you're going to be disappointed if you do. Devastated, actually. You'd better come to terms with that now, before it happens."

"I haven't made any decision about that. Not even close."

"Keep telling yourself that and things are going to go very, very badly. I'll be there to help pick up the pieces, as will your sister. I can't say anything about any of the other girls. How long do you think you can toy with girls' emotions and get away with it?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I've been nothing but open and honest with everyone about everything."

"No, you haven't," Bethany countered. "At least not with the girls who want you exclusively. You are NEVER, EVER, going to be monogamous, Steve. Ever. And you need to admit it. And one other thing, if you want to fuck up your life permanently, tell Jennifer about Becky. Even I won't be able to help you pick up the pieces then. I hope and pray that Stephanie can."

"Becky is just a friend," I countered. "Nothing more."

"Stop lying to yourself! Stephanie was right about the moth and flame."

"That's over and done with," I stated firmly. "Can we just talk about what happened with Carla, please?"

"What's to talk about? She needed what you could give her, she got it, and now she's moving on. You were never going to be with her long term. I just don't see why you're upset."

"Because I feel used, Bethany."

"Fine. You feel used. Shall we ask some of your girls about that? I mean the ones from the end of the Summer when you came home from Sweden."

I sighed, "Yes, I know. But just because I did something bad to someone doesn't mean I have to accept someone doing something bad to me."

"No, it doesn't. But what can you do about it? Are you going to walk back to her house and ask her to be your exclusive girlfriend? Are you going to ask her to marry you?"

"No, of course not!"

"Well, then maybe," Bethany said snidely, "you should stop fucking anything that moves! Have you considered that?"

"What the fuck, Bethany? How is this my fault?"

Bethany laughed, "Oh my God, really? Did you or did you not fuck Carla?"

"I did. So?"

"Then you're responsible for your own feelings. You could have said 'no', you fucking idiot! Why doesn't that ever cross your mind?"

"It does, and you damned well know it, Bethany. I do say 'no'."

"In VERY rare instances. Perhaps you should consider things more carefully. You could very well have asked Carla what she wanted. Did you?"

"No," I sighed.

"So who's to blame? You or her? Did SHE mislead YOU?"

"Fuck!" I growled, exasperated. "No."

"Well, now you have something to think about. And I'll give you one more thing to think about. Something important."

"What's that?" I sighed.

"What does Penny want from you? Don't answer! Think about it. I bet you have no clue."

She was right. I did have no clue. I hadn't talked to Penny about the situation. I had simply assumed she wanted a good first time, like the girls I'd been with in High School. And that was a dangerous assumption.

I blew out a long breath, "I have no idea."

"You better find out," Bethany declared. "She may think this will make you her boyfriend, and THAT will end very, very badly."

"I already made a promise to her, Bethany," I protested.

"So break it if you have to! Which is worse? Breaking your promise or having a hysterical fifteen-year-old girl tell her parents about the adult who seduced her?"

"You know, maybe Trudy Spencer was wrong and I should follow Thomas Merton's path in life. I wonder if monasteries need computer programmers."

Bethany laughed, "And half-a-dozen girls will hunt you down and drag you from there. Besides, celibacy is exactly the opposite of what you need."

"I was kidding. But Penny's going to be an issue. It's already moved past kissing."

"Talk to her. Find out what she's expecting. Maybe she'll surprise me, but she's fifteen, and has a massive crush on you. Remember what you told me about Becky back when we were fifteen?"

"That she was already picking out china patterns," I said, suddenly very nervous about the situation with Penny.

"Your little friend might be doing the same thing. You have some serious work to do, Steve. We aren't in High School any more. Relationships are very different. We're at a point where people get very, very serious about it, and get hurt very badly when things go wrong. Not like High School where you cry a bit, but then a few weeks later you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend. This is for keeps, now. And everyone knows it."

"Bethany, I need to finish college before I make any permanent decisions, and I don't agree with you on the monogamy issue."

"Steve, what did Kara say about it when you talked?"

"The same thing the rest of you are saying," I sighed.

"And who knows you better than Kara, Stephanie, Jennifer, and I do?"

"I'd add Anala to that list, but I see your point. And I don't know that anybody knows me better than you."

"You have to make up your own mind, obviously, but if the girls closest to you see it that way, you need to think long and hard about it. I'm curious, have any other girls said the same thing?"

"Elyse, of course. And Jackie. And Joyce. And, believe it or not, Sofia, though she's hoping that I do come around, so to speak."

"Are we all wrong? All of us?"

"It is possible, Sweetheart."

"Kathy didn't think so — that's why she went with Kurt, isn't it? And why Pia went with Johan?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"Who thinks you CAN do it?"

"Becky, Anna, and Karin."

"Not a stunning set of endorsements."

"Me," I said firmly.

"Well, that is, ultimately, the only one that counts. May I make a suggestion?"

"Always, Sweetheart."

"Maybe sixty, or whatever the number is at this point, is enough. Do you REALLY need new girls at this point?"

"It's not like I go searching them out. They seem to find me," I said.

"Here's my suggestion. For your Senior year, pick one. It doesn't matter at this point who it is, and you don't even have to decide now. It should be a girl in Chicago. Have her move into your room, with the understanding that things could change when you graduate."

"Are you saying no sex with anyone but that girl? Jennifer will slit your throat!" I chuckled.

"She would!" Bethany giggled. "What I'm trying to set up is a situation where you're seen as 'taken'. You can tell any girls that come on to you that you're living with someone. That will make them back off, assuming that you're firm about it. It would have to be someone that was OK with you being with the other girls. I wouldn't recommend Sofia for that reason."

"There's only one girl who really qualifies, then. That's who you're suggesting, isn't it?"

"No, there are two. Elyse is one, obviously. But there's another one. One who would be even better for you."

I thought for a moment.

"Anala," I said.

"Exactly. Ask her. Explain why and tell her about this conversation. Then, if she says 'no', I'll talk to her."

"She won't. If I ask her to do it, she will. You know that."

"You really have a lot to learn, Steve! Before you ask her, tell her that she's being given a free choice. This can't be an answer from submission. She can submit afterwards, but the decision has to be a completely free. And you have to make that clear to her, or she will do what you say."

"And that would work? Really? I mean, if she's submissive, as she's claimed and demonstrated, won't she just agree?"

Bethany laughed, "God, you're a moron at times! No, she won't. Anala is one of the strongest people you know! She CHOOSES to be submissive. It makes her happy. But if you tell her to decide freely, she'll think about it and tell you the pros and cons and then give you an answer. I swear, sometimes you are the densest man on the planet!"

"I have no clue about stuff like this, Bethany. I'm just learning."

"Very slowly. It's a good thing you learn fast with your computer stuff or you'd be hopeless!"

"I learned how to make you cum pretty quickly, young lady!" I declared.

"OK. Computers and sex. Two things you are VERY good at!" she laughed.

"You know, what you're suggesting sounds very much like what happened with Debbie V back during Senior year."

"Yes. And like what you did with Kara. The two most stable periods of your life. You could even look at your time with Stephie that way, but that was sort of different."

"OK. OK. You win! But I have to clear it with Jennifer first."

Bethany laughed hard. "Of course you do! What did Stephanie call Kara? Your 'ball and chain'? I think Jennifer has that role now."

"Ha, ha! Very funny! It might cause some difficulties with Sofia and Karin, because I promised that I wasn't going to have anyone live with me."

"Then deal with it this Summer when you're there. It's not permanent, and she's not someone that you're going to marry unless you've decided to convert to Hinduism."

"No, I haven't. And things are rocky with Karin as it is."

"They always were," Bethany observed. "And they always will be. But you have to figure that out for yourself. Now I need to finish reading and get to bed."

"Thanks, Sweetheart," I said.

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I immediately dialed Jennifer's number. As usual, Josie answered.

"It's always you that answers!" I chuckled.

"Maybe it's just a natural attraction. I hear from Jennifer that I'm exactly your type!"

"Yeah, but she won't tell me what you look like. How about it?"

"She'd strangle me if I tried! She's sitting right here."

"Then let me talk to her," I chuckled.

"Hi, Steve!" Jennifer said.

"Hi, Jen. So it has to remain a complete mystery?"

"It's much more fun that way! How are things going?"

"Good. I just had a long talk with Bethany and need to talk to you about some stuff."

"Good or bad?" she asked apprehensively.

"Who knows? Let me just explain."

I spent fifteen minutes explaining everything to her. She asked some questions, but in the end, I got the answer that I'd fully expected.

"I think that makes a lot of sense," Jennifer said. "It's not as if you're limiting yourself to one girl, just taking yourself off the market, so to speak. Think about this — how many truly good experiences with new girls have you had in the last year?"

"Except for Anala? One. I mean, the sex was good and all, but none of them ended up being anything special."

"Who's the one?"

"Katy. But you can NOT tell anyone about that. Ever."

Jennifer laughed, "Wow. Now there's one I wouldn't have expected!"

"Me neither. We've been together a few times, but she knows the score, so to speak. The rest? Carla, Charlie, George, Stephanie's friend Carie, and, to a point, Connie, just didn't feel right. Connie was a special case that could change, but Joyce's health is way more important. And Connie agrees."

"So, if all of those were empty, meaningless, and ultimately unsatisfying, do you detect a trend? Of those, are any good friends?"

"No. Charlie is an OK friend, and Connie is a friend, but the tension with Joyce makes it untenable."

"Doesn't that tell you that Bethany might be right? That it'll be like when you were with Debbie V and Kara? Except for your stupidity with Becky, something I know you'll never do again, those two periods were your most stable. Well, not counting Pia and Katt in Sweden, but that was a truly special circumstance."

"What about Penny?" I asked.

"I can't give you much advice there, but Bethany's is sound. Do any of the girls there know about this? And also know Penny?"

"Jackie does."

"Then talk to Jackie. Maybe even have Jackie talk to Penny. But AFTER you do. It's kind of low to send Jackie to tell Penny you aren't going to sleep with her, if that's what does come out of this."

"Good advice, as always, Jen. I guess I have to talk to Anala, Penny, and Jackie."

"Don't forget the most important girl in your life, Steve. Making a decision without talking to her is dangerous to your health!"

I chuckled, "Not the way it used to be, Jen. Stephanie and I are kind of moving apart, so to speak. Not in terms of our closeness, but in terms of a physical relationship. It's slow, but it's happening."

"That's not really a surprise. You can't marry and have kids, at least not openly, so it was bound to happen. In the long run, it's probably good, given that means you won't have to tell some of the girls who don't know about it."

"Does Josie know?" I asked.

"She does now. I told her about it because she needs to know. It came out as part of our conversation about my relationship with Stephanie. It turns out that Josie is a jealous bitch!" she said, giggling.