Chapter 19: Seventeen

March, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

On Tuesday morning, after we ate breakfast, I baked a cake for Stephanie's birthday. We'd gone shopping on Monday to get the fixings for fried chicken and homemade biscuits, which was the meal that she'd requested. When the cake was in the oven, I put the chicken in a large bowl with slightly salted water to soak, and then Stephanie and I went up to my room.

"So, Squirt, what would you like for your birthday?" I grinned.

"The same thing I got on my fourteenth birthday. Fuck me, I'll suck you, and then you can fuck my ass. Oh, and then we do it again after dinner!" she giggled.

"I'll do my best!" I chuckled.

I pulled my little sister into bed and was very quickly inside her very tight, very warm pussy. We moved together, slowly building our mutual pleasure until we both cried out as our massive orgasms overtook us. When I'd fired my last spurt, I slid down and orally pleasured her for a bit, then moved so that she could take me into her mouth while I licked her. When I finally exploded into her mouth, she swallowed every drop and we cuddled while I recovered, and then we completed the final act with me blasting cum deep into Stephanie's butt.

"That was awesome," she gasped, as I moved up next to her and pulled her to me.

"I was remembering our first time, Squirt. Those images are burned into my memory permanently."

"Mine too! And I have the souvenir to remind me!"

We cuddled for a bit, then showered and went down to the kitchen so that I could frost the cake now that it had cooled. Kara joined us and made tea for the three of us. When I finished with the cake, I covered it, and then Kara and I went to the Indian room to talk while Stephanie went to my study to read more of my journal. I didn't think that she'd be able to completely catch up, because it had been years since she'd read it regularly.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm fine. I was reading my book and writing in my journal while you guys were upstairs."

"And that doesn't bother you?" I asked gently.

"Yes and no. But it's not the incest that bothers me. Not anymore. It's that I wish it was me," she sighed. "But I know that's not a good idea right now. I just miss it. A lot."

"At some point, probably not too far in the future, Stephanie is going to start dating and that will limit or end what we do together. We've always known that was likely going to be the case. I can't imagine that there are too many guys who would share their girlfriend with her brother."

Kara smiled, "No, I can't imagine there are. I'm kind of surprised that Jennifer and Bethany are OK with it."

"I don't know if that's quite accurate for Bethany. Jennifer is not just OK with it, she thinks it's necessary and she wants to participate. Bethany tolerates it, hoping that it will end in the not-too-distant future. The other girls don't know about it, and I have no intention of telling them."

"What about when she moves here?" Kara asked.

"That's the time I'm talking about — at that point, if it continues, it'll be an occasional thing, and we're both sure it'll end if she gets serious with another guy or when she gets married. It kind of has to."

"Yes. It should have never started, but once it did, it had to run its course, so to speak. You never put any pressure on her, did you?"

"No. If there was pressure, it was the other way around. Bethany is reasonably sure that's why it's working, so to speak. The younger female sibling initiated it and there was no force or coercion involved. That's almost never the case. I think Bethany's right that it was, in the end, a defense mechanism against our mother. A way to bind ourselves tightly together in a struggle for our own individual selves. A fight we could only make together."

"That kind of makes sense. Your mom was worse than my dad in many ways. He never treated me like your mom treated you. He was strict, and thought he could control my body, but he was never, ever mean to me. Neither was Pastor Kent, at least until he found out about us. Even then, it wasn't mean. The first time I felt that he was mean was at my dad's funeral when he said those awful things."

"And it was those awful things that led you to encourage me to be with Sandy and Ruth."

"I wanted revenge. It really was that simple. I couldn't think of a better way to get back at Pastor Kent than to have you fuck his virgin daughter. When she got pregnant, I laughed so hard, and felt he had gotten exactly what he deserved. I felt kind of bad for Sandy, but she'd done it to herself. Ruth didn't go crazy like that."

"I think," I said, "that what Sandy really wanted was for me to be her boyfriend, and that somehow she thought having sex with me would make that happen. Though I'm not sure how she thought her dad would ever allow it. When it became clear that I wasn't going to be with her, or even have sex with her again, she tried to find love through sex and it failed miserably. Did Kent van der Meer ever get a new preaching job?"

"No. And with a daughter who got pregnant, he wouldn't be able to, at least not in a church like Grace. They pretty much feel that if you can't control your own children, you can't shepherd a church. That's even true of adult children, to a point. I guess they think it's your fault for the way you raised them."

"Well, I can't say I'm sorry given how I think that man perverted the Gospel, but I'm sure the new pastor at Grace Church teaches pretty much the exact same thing."

"I'm sure. Can I ask about all the idols in this room? Are you becoming a pagan?"

I chuckled, "It depends on how you define that word, but no, I don't worship Loki or Krishna or Shakti or Shiva. The latter three are here because of Anala. Loki is here because I can relate to his role in the Norse pantheon — the god of chaos and change."

"That does fit your life," Kara sighed. "Anyone in your life has to deal with quite a bit of chaos. And change, too. We've both changed a lot."

"And is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I asked.

"It's mixed, I think. In the long-run, it'll be good, but the short-term has been pretty painful."

"I agree. I just wish you had talked to me instead of walking out on me."

Kara sighed, "No, because I'd never have gotten to where I am without sinking to the lowest of lows and realizing the only way out was to change myself. Doctor Mercer compared it to addictions — you refuse to acknowledge that you need help until you've sunk so low that there's nothing left and no other option. I kept trying to hold on to my religion, like an addict holding on to drugs."

"Did Doctor Mercer tell you that?" I asked, incredulously.

"Not at first. She talked about the addiction part. I talked a lot to Susie, and she helped me see that I was trying to live in both worlds and failing at both. Then I talked to Doctor Mercer about it. Once I raised the issue, then we talked about my faith and the contradictions that were driving me crazy. I had to decide one way or the other. I chose to walk closer to your path than my mom's."

"Trying to thread the needle and walk a very fine line?" I asked.

"Yes. In the last couple of months, she and I have talked a lot. She wanted something very different for me than my dad did, but she wanted to keep the peace. She was very happy that I was coming to see you and even encouraged me to, how did she put it, get as close to Steve as you can," Kara giggled.

"No way!" I chuckled.

"She never had the problem with us being intimate that my dad did. And, once the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, she came to terms with it and hoped that we'd find our way to the altar. When you told her about the ring, she was ecstatic and relieved. When I came home without it, she was devastated. She accused me of being foolish and of throwing my life away. But she didn't know about Joyce, and I couldn't tell her."

"So she's hoping we get back together. What did you tell her?"

"That I wasn't ready for that just yet. Oh, I could easily fuck you, and it would be glorious exactly the way it always was, but I don't want to fuck. I want to make love. And we can't do that yet. Not now. Maybe not ever, despite what we did at Christmas. That was beautiful and perfect and glorious. But it was once, to prove to myself that I could do it and have no regrets of any kind."

"You really don't have any regrets?"

"No way, Steve. I love you just as much as I always did. You love me just as much as you always did. The problem is, as you put it, that I ripped your heart out and stomped on it. The fact that you're sitting here talking to me is beyond anything I could rightfully hope for. You agreeing to let me back into your life and be my friend is a bonus. Anything beyond that is just a dream at this point, and maybe always will be."

"But that is your dream, isn't it?"

"Yes," she sighed. "But please don't worry about it. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Without you."

"That sounds so depressing, Kara," I said. "You're sure that you're OK?"

She nodded, "I am. But what's the alternative? For us to start sleeping together without resolving our problems? For me to simply walk away and never see you again? To give you up as a friend? None of those are reasonable solutions. I can't undo what I did to you, but I can try to be a better person in the future."

"That's all any of us can do. You were right when you told me that I failed you. I absolutely did. And I'm sorry that it came to this. You're special to me, Kara, and you always will be. I just don't know if it can ever be like it was before."

"I know," Kara sighed. "I know. Just be my friend."

"I will," I said.

"Would you do one thing for me now?" she asked with a big smile.

"And what's that?"

"Cuddle me, just for a bit. Just hold me in your arms. I always felt safe there."

I nodded and held out my arms. Kara got up from her basket chair and came and curled up in my lap, much as Katt had done in the past. Kara put her head on my shoulder and sighed deeply. We stayed like that for about fifteen minutes before my sister walked into the room, immediately arching an eyebrow.

"Hey, Squirt, What's up?"

"I figured it was time to get lunch, but it can wait if you two are busy."

Kara giggled, "No, we're not. I just asked Steve to hold me for a bit."

She got out of my lap and then I stood up and the three of us went to the kitchen to have lunch. After lunch, we went for a walk. It was chilly for mid-March, with the temperature hovering around freezing. It had been a fairly cold Winter, though without a lot of snow. The girls walked on either side of me, and the three of us held hands, taking up the entire sidewalk.

When we arrived back at the house, after walking for nearly an hour, we decided to head to the sauna to warm up. Once again, the girls sat a bit away from me, and we sat quietly. I always preferred that, given I used the sauna to relax and recharge, and as a way to help clear my mind and refocus. My conversations with Kara and Stephanie had given me a lot to think about, and despite the complications, I felt that things were slowly falling into place.

My life was like a jigsaw puzzle, but I didn't know what the picture was. I had a huge jumble of pieces to put together, and each one added a bit of clarity to the overall image, but I still had no clues as to what the image was. What life held for me was still unknown, but I knew that if I continued adding pieces to the puzzle, the picture would eventually be revealed.

After the sauna, we went to the kitchen and I drained the water from the chicken, then rinsed the bowl and filled it with buttermilk. I put the chicken in the buttermilk to soak and put the bowl back in the refrigerator. The girls and I played pool and watched some MTV until it was time to bread and then fry the chicken in the oven. While the chicken was frying, I boiled potatoes to make mashed potatoes and made some country gravy. Kara made a tossed salad, and Stephanie helped me with the homemade rolls.

Eventually, everything was ready, and we sat down to eat. When we'd finished dinner, Kara cleared the table, and I brought the cake with seventeen candles on it, and set it in front of Stephanie. I lit the candles, and then Kara and I sang Happy Birthday to my little sister. She made a silent wish and then blew out the candles. I got the ice cream from the freezer and served it, along with slices of cake, for each of us.

When we finished our cake and ice cream, Kara and I cleaned up, and then the three of us went to the great room, where Stephanie opened her presents. I bought her practical gifts — a couple of sweaters, a pair of jeans, and a new travel bag. I was surprised that Kara had a gift for Stephanie as well — a small clutch purse. Stephanie thanked us for the gifts, and then she and I went up to my room.

"Have you had a good birthday so far?" I asked.

"Yes! Much better than if I was at home with Mom! Can we take a bubble bath after we fool around?"

"Of course, Squirt. It's your birthday."

That bath happened about two hours later, though we showered first to rinse off the sticky juices that seemed to be everywhere after our energetic reenactment of Stephanie's fourteenth birthday. I very much enjoyed holding my little sister in my arms, soaking in a tub full of warm, apple-blossom scented suds.

"So what was with you and Kara?" Stephanie asked.

"It was like with Katt after she and Mikael got together. Kara just needed me to hold her like Katt used to."

"You do cuddle pretty well, for a guy!" Stephanie giggled.

"Hey, I LIKE cuddling," I said.

"So, do you think you and Kara are going to try it again?"

"Certainly not anytime soon, Squirt. She's still working through her problems. We've talked a lot, but we haven't even kissed since Christmas morning, and she wants to keep it that way, at least for now. And so do I."

"So you could get back together with her?"

"Could? Sure. And the Democrats could beat Reagan this year. I'd say the two have the same likelihood right now. I'll laugh my ass off if the Democrats end up choosing Mondale, because Reagan will wipe the floor with him. The only worse choice for them would be Jesse Jackson. So no, I don't think we'll be getting back together."

"You still love her, Big Brother. I've seen you overcome huge problems with Jennifer."

"I think this is different, but I get your point. One step at a time, Squirt. Kara isn't even thinking in those terms at this point."

"Oh yes, she is, Steve. And you know it. She just knows better than to try, both for her sake and for yours."

"Isn't that pretty much the same thing? Just because you might want something doesn't mean that you should try to get it. She doesn't seem to have any delusions about us riding off into the sunset together."