Chapter 18: Making Sense of it All

March, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

"Kara?!" I inquired when I regained my composure. "What are you doing here?"

"You said I could come visit!" she said brightly. "Are you angry?"

"No, just surprised. Come on in and shut the door. It's cold out there."

"Hi, Bethany," Stephanie said.

"Hi. Hello, Kara," Bethany said, looking a bit askance.

"Hi, Bethany. I didn't realize that you would be here," Kara said. "I hope it's OK that I'm here."

"I was leaving for Milford after lunch. I just stayed to say hello to Stephanie."

"Well," I said, giving Stephanie a hard look that Kara couldn't see, "let's go eat and you two can explain why Kara's here and Trish isn't."

We went into the kitchen and the girls sat down while I got the sandwiches from the fridge and moved the pot of soup to the table. I poured cups of tea for everyone and set out bottles of Coke and Dr Pepper. I sat down next to Bethany, across from my little sister.

"Explain, please," I said.

"Don't blame Stephanie," Kara said. "I called and insisted that she let me come with her. Her friend Trish was OK with that because she was just going to hang out mostly by herself here, anyway."

"Fine, but you two should have told me," I countered.

"So you could say 'no'?" Kara asked.

"So I had a say," I replied. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but this complicates things for me. And I don't need complicated right now."

"Why?" Kara asked warily. "I'm not expecting anything from you. I'm sleeping in the same guest room that Trish would have been in. I'm not going to interfere with you and Stephanie. I needed to get away from Milford, I wanted to see your house and I wanted a chance to talk with you."

I sighed, "I understand, and those are all good things, but you should have asked, Kara."

"And you would have said 'no' without having a good reason," she countered.

"Steve, she's here," Bethany said gently. "What's the point of having this argument?"

"There isn't one, I guess," I replied.

"Then drop it, please," Bethany said. "Let's eat so I can talk with Kara before I have to leave."

We ate in relative silence, and then Stephanie and I cleaned up while Kara and Bethany went to the great room to talk.

"Squirt, why?" I asked.

"Dad encouraged me to bring her. He overheard my side of the phone call and he said I should bring Kara with me."

"Well, that explains a lot. He's meddling in a way he shouldn't."

"I asked him about that and he said that he thought Kara needed you as a friend as much as anything else and that this would be good for her. And yes, he did acknowledge that he wouldn't mind if you two got back together, but he didn't expect it."

I sighed, "People need to stop messing with my life, even when they have good intentions. You, of all people, should know better, Squirt."

"I think it's a good thing, Steve. She does need you. And I don't mean for sex. You're the rock she has to hold onto to get better. Heck, you know that. If you didn't believe it, you wouldn't have slept with her at Christmas."

"You know, you're as big of a pain in the ass as Anala, Bethany, and Jennifer!" I chuckled.

"Bigger than all of them put together, Big Brother!" she said, smiling impishly. Then, she continued seriously, "Because we love you, Steve. I don't think you and Kara are getting back together, at least not anytime soon. But she really does need your help. And remember, she was there for you, too. She helped you so much that the least you can do is return the favor."

"Laying the guilt on thick, aren't you?"

"Not guilt," Stephanie replied, "compassion and concern. That's why you'll help her. You still love her, even if you probably will never be a couple again."

I sighed, "I do love her. I assume that you two talked a lot on the way here?"

"We did. She has her head on straight, at least about you. Maybe she's putting up a false front, but she seems to be honest about the situation. I pretty much guarantee that unless you make the first move, she's not even going to mention a relationship, let alone sex. The Christmas thing was a one-time thing. Well, kind of."

"Kind of?" I asked.

"She felt like she had to prove to herself that sex with you wasn't wrong. And I think she did. That was a key thing for her, Steve, if you think about it. I was wrong back in December about it. I think it was exactly the right thing to do. She seems to have a pretty healthy view of your relationship now."

"It was messed-up, Squirt."

"Yes, and no. You unlocked something in her. Her mom told you that, remember?"

"Yes, I remember."

"And I think when she comes out of this, she's going to be a very healthy, very happy person."

"You're pretty damned smart for someone who's not even seventeen yet!" I grinned.

"Speaking of which, I want a complete reenactment of my fourteenth birthday, Big Brother."

"I suppose. But then we'd need one of those fake blood packets like they use in the movies!" I chuckled.

"OK, OK! Not that. But everything else! Tuesday night!"

"As you wish, M'Lady!"

A few minutes later, Kara and Bethany came back into the kitchen.

"Why don't you give Kara a tour, Stephanie," Bethany said. "I want to talk to Steve."

"OK," Stephanie said, leading Kara out of the kitchen.

"She's really, really grounded," Bethany said as soon as they were out of earshot. "She has her head screwed on straight. I'm impressed."

"I sense a 'but' there," I said.

"Well, of course. She's not ready for a relationship with anyone. Not yet, anyway. But she's working on it. You'll have a decision to make at some point."

"A decision?" I asked.

"Yes. At some point, she's going to be ready and you'll have to decide what to do. One way or the other, you two will end up in bed together. It'll either be goodbye or the start of a new relationship. I can't say which at this point."

I sighed deeply, "She hasn't figured into any of my thinking about the future, Bethany."

"No, but eventually she would have, one way or the other. This way is much cleaner. Don't worry about it now. It's not any time soon. Just be prepared to discuss it with her when that time comes. I know you well enough that you can handle that. Just be her friend, Steve. That's the most important thing you can do."

"I will, Sweetheart. I assume you're leaving now?"

"As soon as they come back."

A few minutes later, Kara and Stephanie came into the kitchen. Bethany said 'goodbye' and I walked her to her car, and then went back into the house.

"I'm impressed!" Kara declared when I came back into the kitchen. "This house is amazing!"

"Thanks," I said. "I think we should talk."

"When you're ready. I know that you're surprised that I'm here. I know you're planning to spend time with Stephanie. You don't have to do anything special for me."

"You seem to be doing OK," I observed.

"I suppose so. I'm still talking with Doctor Mercer every week, but I've come to some conclusions. I'll tell you about it when you're ready to talk. Go spend some time with Stephanie."

"OK. Take either guest room downstairs and feel free to go anywhere in the house except for the bedrooms. Our house rule is nobody in anyone else's bedroom without express permission."

"OK," she replied. "I think I'll go downstairs now."

She got up and headed down to the guest room. I took Stephanie's hand and led her to the Indian room so we could talk."

"How was Mom after the newspaper?" I asked.

"She didn't leave the house after Sunday. I'm not sure she'll even go to church tomorrow. I heard her tell Dad that her life is ruined."

"I have no sympathy for her," I said. "I feel bad for Dad, though."

"He's doing fine," Stephanie said. "He's upset about what happened to Jeff, but he also knows that Jeff made his own choices. He's worried about how Mom is taking it, obviously."

"He told me he loves her, and I'm sure he does. He's in a really tough spot, one that I hope I'll never ever be in. I'm just afraid that Mom is going to lose it, and that's going to hurt Dad pretty badly."

"She did get some calls during the week, but she'd never come to the phone."

"That doesn't surprise me. What's Jeff doing?"

"Believe it or not, he went back to school! His bail said he had to stay in Ohio and that he couldn't be around anyone under sixteen without supervision."

"What the hell?!" I asked in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah. Even though it's his second offense, the first one was a misdemeanor, and he didn't touch any of the girls. If he lucks out, he could end up not missing any school at all."

"That's just wrong!" I declared.

"Let's just forget about him for now, I have to deal with that at home. Are you mad at me about Kara?"

"Mad isn't the right word. I'm surprised and a bit disappointed, I guess."

"She's not going to interfere," Stephanie said gently. "And she's not going to try to get you back or anything like that. She just wants to be your friend."

"Did she bring her bear?" I asked.

"No. At least not that I saw, and her bag doesn't seem big enough to have a week's worth of clothes and her bear."

"I need to ask you something, Squirt. Back when Kara and I were dating, why did you call her my 'ball and chain'?"

"Because she was, Steve. She was turning you into someone I didn't like. Someone who was too serious and too conservative."

"Really? I didn't see that, I guess."

"You dropped all your girls except me for her. You almost gave up on Jennifer for her, even before Jennifer decided to go to Stanford, which, I'll point out, happened because of Kara and Karin and the fact that you were clearly making Kara your future partner. We all saw it. And you confirmed my worst fears when you decided to get engaged."

"You didn't say much about that, other than the occasional comments."

"It wasn't my place, Big Brother. You had to make your own decision. You're lucky that it worked out the way it did."

"And now?" I said.

"Now? She's a different person! I wouldn't call her your 'ball and chain' now, even if you two got back together exclusively. I don't see that happening; but she no longer wants to control and change you. She was a lot like Mom in that way."

"Ouch! I never saw it that way, Squirt."

"No, you didn't. You were blinded by love or lust or whatever. But you were under her control in a way Mom could only dream of."

"Shit," I breathed, knowing that Stephanie was right. "That's what Bethany, Jennifer, and Anala have been trying to tell me. That I'm too submissive."

"You are. And that needs to stop, well, except in one case," she said, her eyes twinkling.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" I grinned. "You've always had me wrapped around your little finger."

"To a point. You do have your lines that you won't cross and you have a strong will. You just need to exert it. And do you know what? ALL of your girls want that from you. Not in the sense that you're a dictator like Kara's dad, but in that you are firmly in control. That's what they need from you, in case you haven't noticed."

"I have. It's tough, though."

"You can do it, Steve. And you'll find out that they respond well to it. That's what Kara needs from you now, even if you two never get back together."

"I hear you. It's something to think about. On another topic, what do you want me to cook for you on Tuesday? I bought cake mix and icing when I went shopping."

"Anything you want to make is fine with me, Big Brother. You're almost as good at cooking as you are at sex!" she declared impishly.

"What about Kara?" I asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea, but you could ask her," Stephanie smirked. "She'd probably say 'no' at this point."

"You know what I meant, Squirt!" I chuckled.

"She knows we're intimate again, and she's not going to say anything about it. We actually talked about it on the way up. She asked me all kinds of questions."

"Did you answer?"

"As best I could. Some things I just can't explain. She wasn't freaked out or anything, she was truly curious and it seemed as if she was trying to understand my thinking."

"She really has changed, hasn't she?" I asked.

"Yes, I think so. But as we agreed earlier, it's too early to tell what's going to happen with her long-term."

"So, what's the plan for the week?" I asked.

"Five esses!" she declared.

"Five esses?"

"Steve, Stephanie, sex, saunas, and snuggling!" she said with a small laugh. "And we can start now!"

"Then let's head to my room!" I said, taking her hand.

Our lovemaking was slow and passionate, and it seemed to me that we both felt we should save our energy for Tuesday, which was Stephanie's seventeenth birthday. Afterwards, we cuddled together in my bed, and Stephanie rested her head on my chest.

"When are your housemates coming back?" she asked, twirling her finger in the fine hairs that had sprouted on my chest.

"They'll start coming back on Saturday," I said.

"I figured. I think Kara and I will leave after lunch on Saturday, then, if that's OK with you."

"Sure, Squirt. I've been thinking about when you come to school, and it's really going to be tough, because there will be girls here we don't want to tell about us. Nobody will suspect anything if we're spending time together, but spending the night might be difficult."

"Will Jennifer be here?" she asked.

"From what she says, the most likely outcome is that she and Josie move to Chicago when they graduate. Obviously, they'll have a room here. Elyse will still be here, given she's planning on getting her Master's degree. And Sofia will be here long term, because she wants to go to medical school in Chicago. The rest of the girls will most likely move out once they graduate."

"Can we just worry about it when it happens? It's over a year from now, Big Brother. A lot can happen. Don't obsess about it."

I hugged her tightly to me. Things were going to change for us again, and I wasn't sure how. But, she was right, I shouldn't obsess about it. It was just one more thing that we'd have to deal with. I wondered if Stephanie would decide to start dating, but that, too, was a question for the future.

We lay together in bed, cuddling and kissing occasionally, just enjoying the peace and quiet, and especially the fact that we didn't have to worry about discovery. We made love a second time, then showered together and went to find Kara, who was sitting in the guest room reading a book.