Chapter 13: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

January-February, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

I mailed the letter from the Lisle Post Office on Tuesday during my lunch break from Nuvatec. I had no idea what Karin's response would be, or how that would affect her visit. All I could do now was wait. I was also waiting for Friday and dreading talking to Anala about the situation with Joyce. I was waiting, nervously, for my lunch date with Becky. And I was waiting for a call from Connie. All of those things weighed heavily on my mind at work and in class during the week.

Something else that I hadn't counted on struggling with was the desire to take Penny to bed. After a couple minutes of French kissing on Wednesday night, I found the desire and anticipation burning in me, at least as much as it was in her. It was going to be a hell of a struggle to take it slowly, as I'd promised Anala that I would. I'd given Penny a firm date, so I simply kept my thoughts fixed on making it that far!

On Friday, Anala and I were sitting on the loveseat in my room, sipping tea. I needed to tell her about Joyce, but I chose the coward's way out and talked to her about Becky and Karin first. I told her about the conversation and the letter and she asked a few questions. She did the same when I told her about my lunch date with Becky set for the next day. I wasn't fooling her in the least.

"You haven't said anything about Joyce, and I can see in your eyes and by your body language that you're holding something back."

I sighed, "We had another fight. This one was my fault, mostly."

"What happened?"

"I talked to Kara and found out that she came within a hair's breadth of committing suicide because of Joyce's call."

Anala nodded, "OK. I think I can cut you some slack on that one, but did your little tantrum solve any problems? Did it even make you feel better? Did it help Kara?"

"No, of course not," I said. "And you knew the answer before you asked the question."

"I did. But it's important for you to say it out loud, Steve. There's a reason the Catholics have confession — saying something out loud, to another person, means that you're owning up to whatever it is that is in question. Admitting it is the first step to fixing it. But you've been down this road before, and should know better."

"I know, I know. But I was super emotional about it because of what Kara told me."

"So why call Joyce?" Anala asked, then before I could answer, continued, "I can answer that for you — you WANTED the confrontation. You wanted to try to make Joyce feel bad. You wanted to push the blame for what happened squarely on Joyce's shoulders so you could absolve yourself."

I sighed, "You know, there are times when I wish I'd never met you."

"No, there aren't," Anala replied with a smile. "You know this is good for you and you want it. You love the truth and you want people to speak the truth to you. If you didn't, you wouldn't keep seeing me."

"Now I'm absolutely sure about that wish!" I chuckled.

She smiled back, "Tell me that I'm wrong, Steve."

"I can't," I said, defeated by her simple proclamation of truth.

"So now what? Do you think you can fix it?"

"I have no idea," I said. "She's demanding that I admit that I was with her sister. I don't think that's right, no matter the circumstances. And I'm not sure how that helps, because it only confirms in her mind what she thinks is going on. It's a no-win scenario."

"I thought you didn't believe in those," she said.

"Normally, I don't. In this case, I'm not sure I can see a way forward. It's kind of like with my mom, where there was no solution I could find other than cutting off the relationship and ignoring it."

"We'll get to that one later, it's your biggest challenge and we haven't discussed it."

"Anala, I'm going to be blunt — we can discuss it, but I won't consider attempting reconciliation in any way, shape, or form. If you're going to suggest that, you might as well leave right now and never come back," I said firmly, almost vehemently.

"Wow," she gasped. "I knew that was a sore subject, but your response concerns me."

"I'll tell you what; I'll give you Bethany's number. You call her and talk to her. She'll explain everything you need to know about my mom and me from an outsider's perspective. She and I have talked about this for years and years, and she observed the relationship first hand. I'm where I am now because Bethany helped me get to a point where I just don't care what my mom says, what she does, or what she thinks. And it will stay that way. My mom is the source of all manner of self-destructive behavior that I've tried my best to control. You don't want to see that come back any more than I do. So drop it. Now. Or leave. Your choice."

"As you say. You're in control and in charge, Steve. I'll drop it. I will point out, though, that I finally see some real backbone. It's interesting that it came out on that topic."

I chuckled, "Not really, if you think about it. I've spent YEARS trying to get out from under her control. She made me submissive, but in rejecting submission to HER, I learned to stand up for myself."

Anala nodded, "Then make use of that strength, Steve. Do it carefully and in a considered fashion. Don't lose your empathy for others, but be strong and decisive. You can exert your authority in a gentle manner, but you need to do it. That is perhaps your biggest challenge."

"The iron fist in the velvet glove?" I asked.

"Yes. But with me, I prefer just the iron fist. Order me to please you."

"That just seems wrong to me," I objected.

"Didn't you once tell me that Jennifer, Melanie, and Bethany all said you focused on exactly what the girl needed? Why doesn't that work with me?"

She had a point. It made me uncomfortable for several reasons, and Bethany was at the top of the list.

"It bothers me a bit because of Bethany's experience."

"But we are not talking violence here, we're talking sex. You do know the difference, right?"

"Yes, Bethany's therapist explained it to me."

"So?" she said with an impish smile.

"Fine. Strip! And give me a blowjob! Right now!"

"Yes!" she smiled.

Twenty minutes later, Anala licked her lips and rested her head on my thigh, drawing circles on my stomach with her index finger. She was breathing heavily and had moaned when I had cum in her mouth.

"Anala, did you have an orgasm just from sucking me?"

"Yes. When you put your hand on the back of my head and held me on you when you came, I had a small orgasm."

"Without me touching you except on the back of your head?"

"Yes. I was so excited that just holding my legs tightly together was enough to do it!" she said, still panting.

"Get on the bed and spread your legs. I'll give you a better one. Move!"

She jumped up and was on my bed with her legs spread wide seconds later. I made her cum with my tongue, and then again by taking her, roughly, by my standards. I still didn't feel comfortable, but Anala really seemed to like it and her orgasms shook her to her core.

"You see what this does for me?" she asked.

"Yes. But you know what I prefer."

"Yes, and you are in control. If your goal is to please your partner, you have to understand what it is that pleases them most. Don't simply assume that an orgasm satisfies their needs. If that were the case, we could masturbate and achieve the same result!"

"I never thought I'd hear someone say that orgasms weren't the point!" I chuckled.

"They aren't, and you know it. What is the point, Steve?"

"True intimacy."

"Exactly. Sex just for the sake of sex is like masturbation with a living sex toy. It's not fulfilling. It satisfies an urge, but not a need. Do you understand?"

"That dozens of orgasms are irrelevant if that's not what your partner needs. A single small orgasm with true intimacy can be far more fulfilling than a dozen achieved by a casual fuck."

"Or no orgasms! Sometimes intimacy means NOT having sex. Sometimes it's just a hug or a kiss, or perhaps not even that."

"Melanie and Kathy," I breathed.

"Yes. And your sister, too."

That wasn't the case now, though it was during the period when we had suspended our physical relationship. It might well be what happened in the future, depending on how things went in both our lives. But I couldn't say anything to Anala about it at this point. I just hoped I wasn't giving anything away.

"I learn something every time we're together," I said.

"Good!" she smiled. "Now, about those dozen orgasms?"

I chuckled and pulled her to me. We made love my way, and while she didn't have a dozen orgasms, she had at least five, the last of which was huge. When we finished, we showered and went downstairs to make dinner.

"We have one more for dinner tonight," Cindi said.

"Jorge?" I asked.

"Yes! Jackie is doing me a favor and sleeping downstairs tonight because you have company."

"I hope Jorge is dressing more appropriately for the weather," I said.

"Eduardo took him shopping on Thursday. He had a proper parka as well as warm Winter boots and thicker wool slacks today."

"Good!"

Later at dinner, Anala sat opposite me in the 'mom' spot at the table as she had the previous week. It was kind of odd, but I was feeling more and more like a father with a bunch of grown children every day. When we finished, I said I was going to use the sauna with Anala and invited everyone else.

"Weekend rules, please," Cindi said.

I saw Katy smirk, but she didn't say anything. Cindi was having mercy on Jorge, who might have had a stroke with all the naked flesh in the sauna. Cindi could work on him slowly over time and get him comfortable, but I didn't expect Katy to get comfortable with other guys any time soon, if ever.

"Weekend rules?" Jorge asked.

"Towels," Cindi said. "Steve's usual rules are clothing optional, and he does that quite often. But on the weekends, the rule is everyone uses towels unless there is complete agreement amongst everyone."

"Oh!" he said, blushing.

I knew Cindi had made the right decision, even if Katy were to suddenly change her mind. Everyone changed privately, and we all sat in the sauna. Even with a towel around his waist, I could tell that Jorge was a bit uncomfortable, and given the gorgeous women in the sauna, that didn't surprise me at all. I thought he'd be OK, eventually; after all, I had a six-year head start on being comfortable, and Melanie Spencer to thank for it. Jorge had Cindi, so I was sure it was just a matter of time.

When it was time to get out, I asked Anala to stay so we could sit in the whirlpool. Jackie asked if it was OK if she stayed as well and I said 'yes'. Everyone else left and after I filled the tub, the three of us dropped our towels and got into the whirlpool. Anala sat between my legs and Jackie sat opposite us. All of our legs touched, but under the circumstances, it was intimate, not sexy. I turned on the jets and we relaxed as the water swirled around.

"I hear you're sleeping in the guest room tonight," I said.

"Your Indian friend here has you all wrapped up!" Jackie exclaimed.

"Jackie," I said, "if you wanted to sleep with us, and I mean sleep, not a euphemism for sex, you're welcome to. Anala won't object."

"Really?" she asked. "Why would she be OK with that?"

"Because I asked you," I said.

"Jackie," Anala said, "whatever Steve wants is fine with me. I do whatever he asks."

"What? Like a slave? Is this some strange cultural thing I don't understand?"

"No, it's my choice. I'm submissive by nature and I like having Steve be in control and be strong. So if he invites you to bed with us, in whatever capacity, that's fine."

"Maybe it's my independent, American bias, but that just doesn't sit right with me," Jackie said.

"Then it's not for you," Anala said gently. "But it's what I need. Steve fulfills the role I need him to fill. Just as he does for you when you come to his bed by your own choice."

Jackie laughed, "Good point. I guess I just don't like the idea of a dominant, macho man."

"Steve is ANYTHING but macho. In fact, he struggles to be as dominant as I need him to be."

I chuckled, "I am here, girls, you know?"

"Shut up, Steve!" Jackie said with a smile. "We're talking about you."

I smiled and shut my mouth. I'd said something similar to my little sister not too many months earlier.

Anala laughed, "There you go. Steve being Steve. He's submissive by nature. He'll do anything he can to please you, in case you haven't noticed. I've warned him about that, because it could easily lead to him being taken advantage of."

Jackie nodded, "I can see that. He would do pretty much anything I asked, even if I wasn't occasionally sleeping with him. It's just who he is. She's right, Steve, you do need to be careful about that."

"I know," I replied with a smile, "and I surround myself with people who won't take advantage of me. I'm super careful around people who would. You notice how selective I am with my close friends."

"That's why you stopped sleeping with Charlie! You felt she was taking advantage of you in some way," Jackie said.

"Maybe so," I agreed. "Something just never felt right. But that's why I'm always wary of my ex, Becky."

"That's the girl who got pregnant and enticed you to cheat on Kara, right?" Jackie asked.

"Yes. I see her from time to time, and I have to stay on guard all the time."

"That makes sense," Jackie said.

Anala squeezed my hand under the water to tell me that she understood my fears and concerns. I was still concerned about my lunch date, and I would indeed have to keep my guard up.

That night, Jackie did indeed share the bed with Anala and me. I slept between them and each girl had their head on a shoulder and I had an arm around each one. In the morning, we all showered separately and Jackie and I walked Anala to the El. Penny was waiting for us when we got back to the house.

About 9:15am I lead Penny to my study and we made out for about ten minutes, but I limited it to kissing only. She was learning quickly and her kisses had become searing, reminding me of the ones I had received from Melanie over the years. Penny was breathless when we stopped, and I waited for her to catch her breath before I walked her to the door.