Chapter 8: Forcing the Issue

September 25, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“How is she today?” I asked just before lunch.

“No change,” Jorge said. “We’re going to dinner and a movie again tonight.”

“What are you seeing?”

“The new Scorsese movie, The Age of Innocence.”

“It had good reviews. Don’t let her keep you away from Trish, please.”

“The Saturdays we don’t have the guys and girls gatherings, Trish goes to visit her parents.”

“OK, then don’t get sucked into Jessica’s psychosis or neurosis or whatever the heck you want to call it.”

“We all have our issues,” he sighed.

“Don’t I know it! But Jessica is the ultimate taker.”

“And I’ve been kicked around like a mangy dog,” he sighed, then added ruefully, “We’re perfect for each other.”

“I really do appreciate you taking the kids to see her. Has she asked about Birgit and Stephie?”

“Yes. But she’s afraid to confront Birgit.”

I laughed, “I am afraid to confront Birgit!”

Jorge laughed, “We need to get Jesse to do our dirty work for us! He’s fearless!”

“So true! See you for lunch on Tuesday?”

“I’ll be there. Sixty-five Chinese again?”

I nodded, “It’s good, inexpensive, and right between our workplaces.”

Jorge and I shook hands and he headed out. Samantha arrived for lunch, and after we ate, we went to my study.

“I had lunch with Wanda and Lena yesterday,” I said. “She’s still under house arrest with no relief in sight.”

“Her dad must be a complete control freak!” Samantha said with a frown. “They’re Lebanese, right?”

“Yes, and extremely conservative. I had an idea for something I wanted to propose to you. We’ve run into a number of girls who have parents who are control freaks to one extent or another. Ellie and Lena are prime examples. What would you say about setting up a scholarship fund that let girls like that pay their tuition plus room and board so they could escape from those bad situations?”

“Interesting,” Samantha said. “Are you thinking just girls?”

“Most guys don’t have the same problem, but I suppose Jorge is an example of one who does.”

“So are you, though you fought it tooth and nail and had help from your dad.”

“True.”

“What would the criteria be? Living at home and parents paying tuition? How would you know the parents are control freaks? It’s going to be tough to decide if someone is telling the truth or not.”

“I didn’t quite think that through,” I said.

“Do you know what Lena’s major is?”

“History. She wants to be a High School teacher.”

“Let me think about it, but I’m concerned that it would be too easy to game. And I can’t really justify a Spurgeon Capital scholarship. We do have some for business and finance majors who agreed to get Master’s degrees and work for us for five years after graduation.”

“Whatever you do, please don’t tailor it directly for Lena. It needs to work in the general case.”

“What she needs is a sugar daddy!” Samantha giggled. “She is cute and I bet she was fun!”

“That’s the LAST thing I need right now,” I chuckled. “I have too many other irons in the fire. Not to mention I don’t make THAT much money at this point!”

Samantha smiled, “And if you had your choice of which iron to put in which fire, you’d pick Liz!”

“That might be true,” I chuckled, remembering how much I enjoyed my time with Liz.

“Might?” Samantha laughed. “She was your favorite, without question! And if you want her when she comes home on break, just let me know and I’ll tell her. She’ll be VERY happy to ‘adult’ with you again!”

I laughed hard, we hugged, and Samantha left to head back to her dorm to do homework before a date with Brian.

“My turn!” Michelle said coming to the door of my study.

“Come in,” I said. “What can I do for you?”

She came inside and shut the door, and leaned back against it.

“You can tell me why you won’t come to my bed,” she said, sounding annoyed.

“My natural conservatism,” I said.

“I think you still see me as a nun,” Michelle said accusingly.

“That’s probably true,” I sighed.

“I never took any vows,” she said.

“Including to God?” I asked. “Or to yourself?”

She shook her head, “I simply prayed for God to show me his will, and give me the wisdom to know what to do each day and the strength to do it. When I went to the monastery, I simply vowed to be obedient to the abbess and listen to her counsel.”

I nodded and wondered if this was what Kara had detected, and had simply thought it was about other girls, when, ultimately, it was about being afraid of the consequences of being physically intimate with Michelle. I’d had this discussion with Kara and she’d told me that my mind now only saw her as a nun and that I couldn’t imagine having sex with a nun. And she was right.

But, as Kara had pointed out, Michelle wasn’t a nun when we made love - she was a confused teenager. And, now, a year later, that was true again. Actually, both things were true - I saw her as a nun in my mind and she was a confused young woman, now twenty, but in many ways, still a teenager.

“It’s difficult for me to see you as not being a nun,” I said. “My mind keeps flashing back to you in that simple monastic garb I saw you in back in Ellwood City.”

Michelle frowned, and after a few seconds, turned and locked the door. She faced me again, and pulled her lavender-colored sweater over her head, revealing a lacy white bra.

“Michelle...” I protested.

She touched her finger to her lips, then unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down, revealing matching white lace panties. She slipped off her socks, then removed her bra and panties.

“And now?” she asked. “Do I look like a nun?”

I shook my head, and softly responded, “No.”

She came over to me and took my hand. I let her lead me to one of the wingback chairs. She pushed down my sweatpants and briefs, then gently pushed me back into the chair.

Michelle knelt before me, grasped my semi-erect shaft and gently stroked me until I was hard. She smiled at me, blushed, then lowered her head and took me into her mouth. She sucked gently and swirled her tongue around my glans, then released me. She looked up and directly into my eyes.

“Would a nun do THAT?” she asked softly.

“No,” I whispered.

Michelle lowered her head and slowly took me into her mouth, sucking on me and swirling her tongue around my glans while she gently stroked my shaft with her hand. She began slowly moving up and down, and made love to me with her mouth. I relaxed and let her bring me to the edge, warning her of the impending eruption. She lashed my glans with her tongue while pumping my shaft and I exploded into her mouth. Michelle swallowed each spurt and after the last one, removed her hand and slowly, inexorably, took nearly all of my shaft into her mouth, sucking gently and sliding her tongue around. After perhaps a minute, she lifted off.

“And would a nun do THAT?” she asked.

“No,” I said with a smile.

I took her hand and pulled her up and into my lap, exchanging a deep French kiss, and then she cuddled tightly to me.

“Now will you come to bed with me?”

“Yes,” I said.

She giggled, “Good! Then tonight I want you to fuck me silly!”

“Michelle!” I gasped.

“What? I just had your penis in my mouth, made you ejaculate, and swallowed your semen. And you complain I used that word?”

“It’s just not you,” I said.

“Tonight, you are going to put your penis in my vagina, repeatedly, and cause me to have innumerable orgasms. Then do it again. And again. You’re also going to pleasure me by using your tongue and mouth on my clitoris. Again, repeatedly. What word would YOU use to describe that?”

“Making love?” I offered.

Michelle smiled, “The first time you came to my bed? Yes. The second? Yes. But what about when you took me to that studio apartment?”

She had a very good point. The first two times we’d been together had been lovemaking. The time in the apartment was different. That had been Michelle wanting to do something she, at the time, felt she would never, ever do again. If the first two encounters were making love, then that third one was definitely ‘fucking’.

“I concede your point,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? Treating me like a human being? Being concerned about my feelings? Being concerned about the existential contradictions I’m dealing with? For worrying about my spiritual condition? Don’t apologize for any that!”

“So what should I apologize for?”

“For being a «jävla idiot»!” she giggled.

I grinned, “OK. Who have you been talking to?”

“You promise not to get upset?”

“I promise!”

“Kara, Bethany, Elyse, Abbie, Jennifer, and Samantha. Oh,” she added with a smirk, “and your eldest daughter!”

I couldn’t help but laugh hard, “Now I KNOW I’m doomed. I’m curious, what did Birgit have to say?”

“That her daddy was wonderful and that if I wanted you to kiss me, I should ask you to do it!”

“I’m going to kill her!” I said, still laughing.

“Why? It was cute!”

“Michelle, do you know what my kids, other than Jesse and Matthew, mean when they say ‘kiss’?”

“Uh-oh. What did I miss?”

“For them, kissing makes babies. Birgit knows that’s not the mechanics, but that’s her ‘polite’ version of telling you to ask me to have sex with you!”

“No way!” Michelle gasped.

“She knew we had sex that first night. She was waiting at the top of the stairs. I call her the ‘Neighborhood Watch’ because she knows everything that goes on.”

“Oops.”

“Don’t worry about it. Let me guess, Bethany and Kara, at least, told you that you would have to take the lead.”

“Yes. Abbie did too, but she was very blunt about it. Too blunt, really, so I decided on a different approach.”

“Of course she was blunt! Let me guess, she told you to simply throw me down on the ground and have sex with me!”

“Actually, she said I should rip your clothes off and ‘fuck you like it was the last time we would ever do it’ because otherwise, you would make me wait forever.”

“I’ve had that conversation with her before,” I chuckled.

“About Bethany.”

“The girls are ganging up on me again,” I sighed.

“They all told me I would have to force the issue to get you past your mental block,” she smiled. “How did I do?”

“You know, it’s difficult to judge from a single sample,” I grinned.

“Do you remember what I said to you in Pennsylvania?”

“Yes, you said ‘Behold, your handmaiden. Do with me what you will!’.”

“Then do that. I’m yours in any way you wish. I want a strong, powerful man who is in control. There is just one thing I need from you.”

“And that is?”

“For you to love me.”

“You know I love you,” I said.

“Good. I have permission from Kara to spend as much time with you today as I want, and as much as you’re OK with, and to take you to my bed tonight. And she told me to decide on a night I want to be with you. I was thinking Friday, if that’s OK. That way it’s not a school night!”

“May I ask how you’re going to handle things at church?”

“What’s the Orthodox perspective on your question?”

I smiled, “That I should work out my own salvation. And unless I’m your spiritual father, priest, or bishop, your salvation is none of my business. But you know I’m concerned about you.”

“I do. And this is something I have to work out for myself. I’ve had some very, very long talks with Kara about it since I came home. I don’t talk about it with the other girls because they have no idea what I’m struggling with. Kara does.”

“Your struggles are eerily similar,” I said.

“As are our solutions.”

I considered her response - was she, in her indirect way, telling me she would accept the concept that Kara and I had discussed? Had she and Kara talked about it? Was this the time to ask the beautiful, naked girl sitting in my lap about that? I thought it would be better to continue slowly along the path. I’d moved too slowly for Michelle, but what had just happened, and what was going to happen in her room later, were both logical steps brought on directly by her decision to return to Chicago.

I also had to consider what would happen should Jessica return. Each day I felt that possibility was more and more remote, but even if it wasn’t probable, it was still possible. I also had to consider that even with Kara’s proposed way forward, I couldn’t satisfy one of Michelle’s desires - to be a mother. I couldn’t give her children, and if that was something that was as important to her as it was to Kara, then Michelle was, eventually, going to find someone who could, despite her wish to only ever be with one man.

“To a point,” I said.

“Well, yes,” she sighed, snuggling closer.

“And you’re going to be happy?”

“Happier than in any other situation I could actually find myself,” Michelle said.

“That’s an interesting way to put it.”

“Wasn’t one of the lessons you’ve been trying to teach Samantha is that we can’t have everything we want and that we should be thankful and happy with what we have?”

“That’s true.”

“Is Kara in her ideal situation?”

“That’s actually a good question,” I said. “Before her meltdown, her ideal situation was being my wife, being mother to my children, and the two of us being monogamous. After her meltdown, it was to be with me for the rest of her life, and to have children together.”

“And she’s happy?”

“Minus the problems with Jessica, yes, I’d say she is.”

“And you’re happy?”

“Again, minus the situation with Jessica, yes.”

“And I’m happy. Is this perfect? No. Is it what I had planned for my life? No. Is it where I find myself based on decisions I made purposefully and with significant thought? Yes. And if you’re worried about moving past some ‘tipping point’, that happened when the blood ran out onto my sheet.”

“No regrets?”

Michelle smiled, “Only that I didn’t find you before Kara did.”

“You would have been seven!” I chuckled.

“OK, so perhaps that wasn’t the right way to put what I meant!” she said with a soft giggle.

I used my hand to gently raise Michelle’s chin so that I could kiss her softly.

“Do you want to go upstairs and make love?” I asked.

She giggled and blushed, “No, today we’re going to fuck! We can make love next time!”

I laughed and was tempted to have her walk up to her room naked, but I didn’t think she was ready for that, and it was entirely possible that Ed and Stephanie were at the house. Michelle got off my lap and quickly dressed. I stood and pulled up my underwear and pants, and then we left my study and walked hand in hand upstairs to her room. We quickly undressed and got into her bed. After doing exactly what Michelle had requested, twice, we showered and went downstairs to make dinner.

After dinner, Kara, Michelle, and I went to see Malice, a thriller starring Alec Baldwin and Nicole Kidman. We all enjoyed the movie, and afterwards, we went for ice cream. After we finished our treat, we headed home. We went upstairs, I kissed Kara, Michelle hugged her, and then I followed Michelle into her room.

September 27, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“The latest sales projections are flat,” I said at our leadership meeting.

“Yes,” Cindi said with a nod, “but I think it’s a short-term issue. We’ve focused on and targeted mid-size firms, and we’ve done so well that there are fewer firms to target and the sales cycle has become longer. I’m going to have most of the team focus on smaller firms. There are so many of them that even though we’ll mostly sell the ‘light’ version or small-office licenses, we’ll see an increase in revenues. I do need to hire an additional sales person in Pittsburgh, because Mario and I are going to focus on big, national or multi-national firms.”