Chapter 7: Which Way Forward?

September 18, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Afraid of?” I asked, slipping on the soft moccasins I usually wore around the house.

“Yes,” Kara replied. “Afraid of. Something is driving this, and I think it’s fear. It’s more than your usual caution.”

“I’m not sure what you’re getting at. The only fear I have right now is that the situation with Jessica will continue exactly as it is - with no communication and no resolution.”

“It’s more complicated than that, and you know it.”

I sighed, “Yes, I’m afraid of losing Jessica forever. Afraid of what that will do to the kids. And to us.”

“Me, too, but that’s not it. There’s some other, underlying fear you have.”

I stood there, fully dressed, and thought about her question. Was she right? Was there some underlying fear that was driving me? And if there was, what was it? I was quiet for a couple of moments.

“I have no idea what it might be,” I said carefully. “I want to think about it. How about we have lunch? Jorge should be bringing the kids back soon, and I want to have a chat with him. And don’t forget we’re taking Matthew Go-Karting again today.”

“I think I’ll stay home with our kids,” Kara said. “Birgit might not do too well watching her brother drive.”

“She may give you a fight about going,” I said. “But I’ll back you.”

We went downstairs to have lunch with the family. We’d just finished when Jorge brought Ashley and Albert into the house. I asked him to come to my study for a few minutes.

“How is she?” I asked.

“The same,” Jorge said. “Other than work and seeing the kids on Saturdays, she really doesn’t do much of anything. I finally convinced her to go out to dinner and a movie tonight, to get her out of the apartment.”

“Do you mind if I ask what you’re seeing?”

“The Joy Luck Club. It’s received very good reviews for being an intelligent examination of women’s feelings.”

“Something ALL of us ‘MEN’ could use instruction in,” I chuckled.

“Tell me about it!” Jorge laughed. “We’re going to Alex’s place for dinner. He accommodated me at the last minute.”

“He’s a good guy. Are you and Jess spending a lot of time together?”

He considered, “I suppose it depends what you mean. I spend a lot of time sitting in her apartment with her. But she doesn’t talk a lot. We’ve had a few deep, heart-to-heart conversations, but mostly it’s just being in the same room.”

“Is there anything I can do for her? Or for you?”

Jorge shook his head slowly, “No, I don’t think so. I’m hoping that this step, going out, will get her to start opening up so we can help her.”

“You have no idea how much I appreciate what you’re doing, and your friendship,” I said.

“You’ve done a lot for me, and you’ve been a good friend. This is what friends do. We’re both learning how to be ‘real men’. And it’s not easy.”

“No, it’s not; it’s not easy at all. Are you coming to the Rap Session tomorrow?”

“I wouldn’t miss it!” Jorge said with a huge grin. “Trish and I will be here. So will Henry and Gaby.”

“How are things with Trish now that you’re spending time with Jessica?”

He shrugged, “Same as they always were.”

“Take the risk, Jorge. Give yourself to her. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. I know you’ve been hurt in the past, but take the risk.”

He smiled wanly, “I’ve just been beat down too much, I think.”

“So pick yourself up, and make something of this. You two are good for each other. She’s stuck by you the entire way. And given her penchant for variety, I’d say she’s made a commitment to you. Make your commitment to her. Or cut her loose.”

He paused, then slowly answered, “I hear you.”

“Here endeth the lecture,” I grinned.

“Sean Connery, The Untouchables,” Jorge said with a knowing smile.

“Yes. Have fun tonight. I’ll call Alex and arrange to pay for the meal.”

“You don’t need to do that,” he protested.

“No, but I will.”

Jorge and I stood and exchange our now usual manly hug, and he headed out. I went to find Elyse and the boys so we could head to Norway. As expected, my daughter expressed her severe displeasure at not being able to go along.

“You do what Mommy tells you to do, Pumpkin. I promise to cuddle you when I get home.”

“I WANT TO GO!” she demanded.

“I know you do. But not today.”

She turned and walked away without a hug or kiss. I’d have to have a talk with her when we returned home. I kissed Kara and the other kids, and then Elyse, Matthew, Michael, and I went out to my BMW. I checked the gas gauge and saw I’d need to buy gas, but I was sure I could make it out to Norway with no trouble, and that would save me about 40¢ a gallon over the Amoco station in Hyde Park.

When we arrived at the track, the clerk at the desk called one of the marshals to talk to Matthew. The four of us went with him and listened to him talk to Matthew about track safety and watching the other cars. Because he had crashed, he’d need to have two sessions where he worked with an instructor before he could drive with others on the track. Matthew was attentive and didn’t argue, which I thought was a good sign.

After the meeting with the marshal, Matthew put on a helmet and coveralls, then followed an instructor to the garage. They did a safety check on the Kart and then went to a portion of the track that wasn’t used for classes and he worked with Matthew on safely following other Karts and how to position himself to avoid situations like what had happened in his crash. The lesson lasted about two hours and Matthew was excited when he came back to us.

“That was fun! I know how to follow and turn! Next time he’ll teach me how to pass safely!”

“Will it be OK if Mom brings you sometimes? Jesse has hockey games on Saturday, and I need to divide my time.”

“Yes! I have lots of brothers and sisters! I have to share!”

Unlike Birgit who did NOT acknowledge that fact, but merely tolerated it, Matthew and Jesse were good about it. I hugged him, and the four of us went back to my car. After a stop for gas, we headed home. Samantha was just climbing out of the minivan when I pulled into the driveway.

“I moved the last of my things,” she said. “Well, except for a few changes of clothes I’ll keep here just in case. Now I just need to dry mop my room and scrub the bathroom, and then Michelle can move upstairs!”

Elyse took the kids into the house and I put my arm around Samantha to walk inside. I had a fatherly feeling in doing so. Saturday afternoons had become our time to talk, so after we got the cleaning supplies, we went up to her room so I could help her clean and we could talk.

“How were things at school this week?” I asked.

“Good,” Samantha said. “It’s VERY different living in the dorms and having a roommate. She’s on a scholarship and has zero money for anything. She has a campus job which lets her basically scrape by, but she has to take all her meals in the cafeteria, and doesn’t go out much.”

“There are far more people like that in the world than people like you, or even like my family.”

“This is why you wanted me to live in the dorms, isn’t it?”

“Partly. But also to learn how to get along with people. Would you consider your roommate someone who could be a friend?”

Samantha stopped scrubbing the shower for a moment and considered.

“No, I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t dislike her, but we’re way too different. She’s more like Elizabeth than like me or Michelle, or like Lena or Wanda. Nice, but not a person I’d want to hang out with for more than short periods of time.”

“And yet, you have to live with her until June.”

Samantha laughed, “You are a crafty one!”

She went back to scrubbing the shower while I finished washing the mirror and sink.

“Have you heard from your friends?” I asked.

“Liz, Mary, and Ellie. They’re all doing great. I heard through the grapevine that Maria isn’t doing so well.”

“She’s at school, right?”

“Yes, but her grades aren’t very good. Not bad enough to get kicked out, but the rumor is she’s partying too much.”

I sighed, “I’d hoped she would have learned her lesson from St. Martin.”

“The rest of us did! Liz said she’s not going anywhere near campus parties! Mary and Ellie agree with that, though Ellie doesn’t have much risk at Rosary!”

“Not at school, but girls from Rosary were recruited by several of the fraternities at IIT for their ‘Little Sisters’. I had a couple of friends who went to Rosary and were ‘Little Sisters’.”

“I’ll warn her. I see her on Sunday mornings when we ride together. Then she flies with me before I come here to meet Brian for the family dinner. Once it gets cold, I’ll come to the Rap Sessions.”

“How are things at work?”

“Crazy. But mostly I’m just getting up to speed on everything. We only lost a few clients in the uproar, and so far the SEC investigation hasn’t turned up any obvious violations. My dad was a stickler for following the rules. Well, those rules, anyway. Returns are as good as they were before. The only issue really is some personal clients my dad had, but I’ve managed to salvage those, at least so far.”

“Sounds like everything is going well. How much have you told Brian?”

“No more than last week when you asked me that question,” she laughed as she rinsed the shower.

“Sorry,” I chuckled, “I’m not used to parenting an eighteen-year-old. I sort of skipped from seven to eighteen!”

“Are you kidding? Jesse and Birgit act like teenagers for the most part, well, minus the driving and sex!”

“True,” I laughed.

Samantha began to scrub the toilet while I finished wiping down the sink.

“Things are fine,” she said. “I’m pretty sure he knows who I am at this point, and I’m also sure Howard has talked to him.”

“I figured that’s where it would leak, so to speak. I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that given that Howard is married to Jeri, at some point something would come up that would spill the beans.”

“He doesn’t strike me as the ‘gold digger’ type, but then again, right now, I’m only looking for someone who looks good on my arm!”

I chuckled, “Suuuurrrre!”

“I thought you didn’t want to know about the other stuff!” Samantha laughed.

“No details, but you know I care enough to not want you to get hurt or into a bad situation.”

“We haven’t. But we probably will. I saw Bethany for birth control pills. She got one of the ER docs to write the prescription.”

“And she talked to you about STDs?” I grinned.

“We are talking Bethany here!” she laughed. “I got the full lecture! She actually used you as a positive AND negative example!”

“Of course she did! I’m fanatical about safe sex, but I’ve had so many partners that I’m the poster-child for risk.”

“Anyway, at some point I have to raise the issue with Brian. But not just yet.”

“Take your time,” I said. “There’s no rush.”

“Says the man who can get laid just by walking downstairs and selecting a woman!” she laughed.

“Are we done in here?” I asked, trying, but failing, to sound annoyed.

“You know, I have to say I enjoy our new relationship a lot,” Samantha said, putting her arm around me.

I put my arm around her as well, “I do, too.”

“I’m going to go downstairs and shower, then let Michelle know she can move upstairs.”

“OK. I’m going to shower as well,” I said.

I went across the hall to the master bedroom and showered and dressed in clean clothes. I took the dirty ones down to the laundry room and tossed them, along with other things I’d found in the hamper, into the washing machine. When I came out, I saw Samantha and Michelle talking. I headed upstairs to hang out with Kara, Elyse, and the kids until it was time to make dinner.

I still hadn’t come upon what it was that I might be frightened of, and Kara gently rebuffed discussion about ‘dalliances’ and Michelle until I figured it out.

September 19, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

I completely expected the double-takes from Elizabeth, Wanda, Louise, and others when they saw Michelle come into the great room just before our 1:00pm start time.

“What the actual fuck?!” Elizabeth exclaimed, recovering from her surprise.

“That will be the first topic, once everyone is here and we introduce any new people,” I said.

Five minutes later I surveyed the room and noticed a couple of people missing from the Spring, but there were also four new people, two guys and two girls, two from UofC, one from IIT, and one from LSTC - the Lutheran School of Theology - a local seminary. They introduced themselves and as soon as they had, Elizabeth looked at Michelle.

“OK, NOW, what the fuck?!” Elizabeth asked.

“I spent a year as a novice, and, at that point, after serious contemplation and lengthy talks with the abbess, I decided to come back to school. I started classes this week, along with the rest of you who go to UofC.”

“What made you change your mind?” Kajri asked.

“Because I was there for the wrong reasons. Mainly I was hiding out from the world. And that’s not the right reason to be there. I could pick up where I left off in school. I’m a Sophomore, so I had mostly taken core courses. I’m taking a mix of classes now while I figure out for sure what I want to do.”

“So what did you do at the convent?”

Michelle spent twenty minutes describing life at the monastery. When she started talking about her rule of silence, Elizabeth nearly exploded.

“Seriously? Who signs up for THAT?”

“Elizabeth,” Jorge said firmly. “There is a VERY long tradition in the Church of that kind of silence. It’s worked for 2,000 years, so I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it.”

“She NEVER shuts up,” Ben laughed. “Can you imagine Elizabeth not being able to give her opinion on something? She’s worse than Steve!”

The entire room erupted in laughter, with Elyse and Kara laughing the loudest. And it made me wonder if Ben and Elizabeth had been spending time together. It wasn’t really my business, but that didn’t diminish my curiosity.

“Shall we let her finish her story?” Wanda asked. “I’m really curious!”

Michelle finished her story and then fielded a bunch of questions. When she finished, I decided there wasn’t enough time for another serious topic, so we brought out snacks and socialized. I talked to Wanda first.

“How’s Lena?” I asked.

“Still on lockdown. She had a really lousy summer. Would you be willing to have lunch with us one day in the next few weeks? She really wants to talk to you and I figure if I’m with her, that gives her some cover.”