Chapter 75: A Perfect Mess

September 2, 1994, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota

“Hi, Doctor Ross,” I said, walking into his office at the Mayo Clinic.

“Another trip up on the private plane?”

“Yes. I’m actually flying home tonight because we’ll be done mid-afternoon this time.”

“Grab a seat and we’ll do a full medical history covering the past year, then I’ll do a physical, and finally, take you for the EEG-MRI.”

I sat down, dropping my leather bag next to the chair.

“I was kind of surprised when Doctor Barton and Doctor Malik told me you wanted to see me again.”

“Actually, it was Doctor Washington who called me. He said you had a near-syncopal event in Japan.”

“Yes, and he did a complete physical as well and found nothing.”

“What I want to do is compare your MRI results from last year with new ones we get today to see if there are any changes. We’ll probably have you come back every three years, unless you have a serious syncopal event, in which case, we’ll want you to come back soon afterwards.”

“Why not after the incident last November?”

“When I was in Chicago, we agreed that the concussion symptoms might mask something or give us a false lead. We had planned to bring you up once the concussion resolved, but then you had your post-concussion syndrome, so we decided to wait and see. I hear you violated your agreed treatment plan.”

“The sparring?”

“Yes, the sparring! You also weren’t supposed to strike anything until you came home from Japan, but I think that was being overly cautious, so I’ll let that slide. But sparring, and worse, fighting, put you at severe risk for permanent brain injury.”

“I know. Al and Jess took me to task over it. Did Al tell you that I didn’t receive any blows to the head?”

“He did, but that doesn’t excuse your ignoring medical instructions.”

“I got it, Doc. I promised Al and Jess I wouldn’t spar again. And I don’t practice being thrown, either. I can work around it.”

“They did tell me you received some sort of significant honor while you were in Japan. I don’t know much about martial arts, but they seemed to think it was very important.”

I shrugged, “It is, but that wasn’t the main reason I went to Japan, nor the most important thing that happened there. I suppose you could say it symbolizes spiritual growth more than anything.”

“Interesting. Well, let’s get started.”

The next twenty minutes were a thorough review of my physical health plus my dietary and exercise habits for the past year. We spent a lot of time talking about the concussion and post-concussion syndrome, and Al’s treatment of it. I knew Doctor Ross had been consulted about it, so this really was review as much as anything. I suppressed a chuckle at a new question, and I wondered if Al had put him up to it, or, perhaps if Al just wanted to mess with him.

“How is your sex life?”

“Very active,” I grinned.

“No trouble achieving or maintaining an erection?”

“No. All the equipment works just fine, though it’s firing blanks.”

“That’s right, you mentioned a vasectomy. How many children do you have?”

“Seven.”

“Seven? Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

He shook his head, “I’d have had the vasectomy after three, if not sooner!”

“Doc, did Al fill you in completely on my home life?”

“Enough that I agree with him that I’m not sure if I should be in awe, frightened, or jealous! He did fail to mention you had seven children, and I only saw the two at Cook County. I’m assuming they are by several of the women he mentioned you’re involved with?”

“Yes.”

“On that note, let’s talk about your mental health!”

“I’m crazy, Doc. Ask anyone who knows me, especially those women. Or, better yet, my kids!”

He smiled, “I bet! But in all seriousness, I’m more worried about any bouts of manic behavior or depression. Anything like that in the past year?”

“Not that I would classify as such. I was really down when Jorge died in the traffic accident that preceded my concussion, and I was obviously very unhappy while Jessica and I were estranged, but other than that, no. Well, a couple of times I got fairly upset but cooled down quickly.”

“OK. Those first two don’t sound anything like clinical depression, and are fairly normal human responses. I’d be more worried if you weren’t upset with those things. You’re seeing a marriage counselor, if I understand correctly.”

“Yes. The three of us - Jessica, Kara, and I - have been seeing Doctor Wilbur Green since February of ‘89. That was after Jessica’s stress-related breakdown and our first estrangement.”

“How is that relationship now?”

“Very good. We’re working on it, but things are far better than they’ve ever been.”

“Good. Now, the times you got upset, did they feel like manic episodes, or was it more like losing your temper briefly?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a smile. “I’m not sure I’d know the difference. I used to fly off the handle a lot, but I don’t anymore.”

“They are two different things. The temper is something you can simply decide to change and manage once you understand it. A manic episode would feel like you were out of control and couldn’t stop yourself.”

“I haven’t been out of control; at least I don’t think so, anyway.”

“What about impulsive behavior?”

I shook my head, “Not really, no. I still have impulsive thoughts, but I’ve learned to control them.”

“What do you do?”

“Usually I talk to someone about whatever it is I’m thinking. Often, my impulses and first inclinations are right, but not always.”

“Entrepreneurial CEOs tend to be very aggressive and often shoot from the hip. They get it right more often than not, but need close advisors to help keep them on track. Let me ask you this - when you have a gut feeling, how often are you right?”

“Nearly always.”

“That’s going to feed your impulsive tendencies. My advice is to continue seeking counsel for any important decisions. Not just at work, but in your personal life as well.”

I smiled, “It’s difficult for me to avoid getting counsel at this point; for example, right now!”

“Al has always said you’re a Smart Aleck. Do you have any concerns before we do the physical?”

I shook my head, “No. I see Al on a regular basis, and you know I had a physical including an EKG with Doctor Washington a couple of weeks ago. And I had my regular physical over the summer with my GP. You docs all love poking and prodding! Actually, can I ask a serious question?”

“Sure.”

“Why do doctors always do physicals? I mean, I’ve had three in the last five months. Why not just look at the results of the previous one?”

“You run a computer business, right?”

“Yes.”

“And your team does a significant amount of testing before you send the software to your customers?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And I bet your customers still find problems, right?”

I laughed, “Yes. I see your point.”

As I’d expected, Doctor Ross didn’t find anything abnormal during the physical, though it would take a few days before the blood test results were returned from the lab. After the physical, I had the EEG-MRI.

“I didn’t see anything abnormal on the regular or contrast MRI scans,” Doctor Ross said. “You remember the EEG-MRI has to be processed. We’ll have those results in a week or so, along with the blood test results I mentioned earlier. Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“If you have even a minor syncopal event, make sure you write it in your notebook and report it to both Al Barton and me.”

“I will.”

“Stick to your diet, exercise, and vitamin D supplements, as well as the daily low-dose aspirin.”

“Don’t worry, Doc. That’s all such habit at this point, it feels weird when I don’t do it!”

“Good! Have a safe trip home!”

“Thanks, Doc!”

We shook hands and I opened my cell phone to call for the car. It arrived about ten minutes later, and whisked me back to the airfield where I boarded Samantha’s Gulfstream for the trip back to Chicago. I’d argued with her about taking the private plane versus flying on a scheduled flight, but in the end, practicality won out over my principle. The only way I could make the trip without spending a night was in her plane, and I simply didn’t have the time to spend the night away from Chicago.

I settled into one of the very comfortable leather seats, pulled out the last of the three Swedish detective novels, and picked up reading where I’d left off that morning.

September 3, 1994, Naperville, Illinois

“Good afternoon, I’m Steve Adams and I’m looking for Yogi Krishnadasa Acharya.”

“You’ve found him,” a short, thin, Indian man in black robes answered in a reedy, high-pitched voice. “Anala has told me all about you. Come in; come in!”

He led me through the lobby of the building to a room that reminded me of my ‘Indian’ room at home so much that I was sure Anala had patterned it after this room. The yogi lit incense in a bowl, then bade me sit down. He sat down across a low table from me, and poured tea for each of us.

“Anala tells me she has taught you about «Dharma», «Artha», «Kama», and «Moksha», the four goals of this life.”

“She did, but honestly, that was more than ten years ago and I failed to truly understand the lessons she was teaching me. I’m not sure how much I remember, really.”

“You were recently in Japan and had instruction from a Buddhist monk?”

“You’re very well informed!”

He smiled and nodded, “So tell me what you remember.”

“If I recall correctly, «Dharma» refers to personal duty on Earth; «Artha» refers to the acquisition of material possessions, friends, and talent; and «Kama» is the enjoyment of the five senses. All three of those, properly practiced and properly understood, will lead to proper self-realization, and eventually, «Moksha».”

“Yes, good. Anything else?”

“She had me read the Kama Sutra, and I recall there were four types of love. The four are: love acquired by habit; love from imagination; love that is mutual and proven true; and finally, love resulting from experience.”

“You seem to remember quite a bit more than you thought.”

“Thank you, but I’ve had some serious problems in actually internalizing them and putting them into proper practice. I find myself distracted and pulled in many directions.”

“These goals are in tension at all times. I think you can see clearly how there might be tension between the ideas of renunciation and pursuit of the goals of «Kama» and «Artha». Do you know about the concepts of «Pravrtti» and «Nivrtti»?”

I shook my head, “If she told me about them, or I read about them, I don’t recall.”

“«Pravrtti» means ‘giving or devoting one’s self to external action’, while the «Nivrtti» means ‘withdrawing and restraining one’s self from external action’ in order to focus on one’s own liberation. «Artha» and «Kama» are «Pravrtti», while «Moksha» is «Nivrtti». «Pravrtti» leads to progress, and the «Nivrtti» leads to perfection. A proper balance between these is necessary. What you are seeking is action without attachment or craving for results.”

I nodded, “That sounds similar to what I’ve read about Buddhism and avoidance of attachment to material goods, or really anything material in this life, including our bodies.”

“Yes, it is a similar concept. What you should seek is pursuit of those goals because they are good, moral, and right, not because you crave material rewards. The rewards, in and of themselves, are not problematic, but pursuit of them purely to achieve them without concern for karma is an error.”

“If I remember correctly, it’s important to achieve material wealth.”

“Yes, though not in excess. It is very hard to pursue proper morality and sensuality when one is in poverty and impossible to give alms. Remember, all of these pursuits are connected, and one should not cease to enjoy life, nor virtuous behavior, nor pursuit of wealth creation. But excess in any of these, rejecting either or both of the other two, will cause great harm.

“The Kama Sutra says, if you recall, the following: ‘The life span of a man is one hundred years. Dividing that time, he should attend to three aims of life in such a way that they support, rather than hinder each other. In his youth he should attend to profitable aims, or «artha», such as learning; in his prime to pleasure, «kama»; and in his old age to «dharma» and «moksha»‘.

“According to Anala, your business is very successful, and you have a proper home, and sufficient material wealth, so as to satisfy the first aim. The second aim, though, should not be misunderstood as hedonism - pursuit of pleasure for its own sake. You should be using your wealth to enjoy life, but without neglecting your continued pursuit of artha, nor interfering with «moksha». Ultimately, your goal in life should be freedom, self-knowledge, self-realization, and ultimately, release.”

“Anala did teach me all of that, but I wasn’t ready to take it to heart.”

“And now?”

“I am open to being taught.”

He shook his head, “No, try again.”

“I am ready to learn.”

“Better. I am not a teacher, but a guide. I practice yoga, and can guide you in the practice. Did Anala talk to you about yoga?”

“She did. A lot of stuff we talked about is coming back to me now. I remember reading the Bhagavad Gita and I’m about to reread it for a discussion group at my house that will start the first Sunday in October.”

We’d told the students that the Rap Sessions would start on October 2nd due to my impending trip to Europe and the fact that none of the others felt qualified to lead the discussion.

“You are here because you wish to achieve «moksha»?”

I nodded, “Yes.”

“Then you should begin with the practice of the yogas. To refresh your memory, they are Bhakti Yoga, which is about love and devotion to god; Karma Yoga, which is about doing the right thing; Rāja Yoga which is about meditation; and Jnana Yoga, which is about wisdom.”

I remembered my conversation with Anala all those years ago!

“When Anala and I spoke about yoga and the Bhagavad Gita, I remember telling her that I felt altruism was impossible. And that I thought Krishna had it wrong.”

He nodded, “She told me about that. And what did you say then?”

“That I thought it came down to the fact that we do things that we want to do because we want to do them. And we want to achieve personal satisfaction for doing those things. I don’t think it’s possible to escape that. I also told her that I didn’t think it was possible to act selflessly, because if I act in a way that appears selfless, it’s because that’s what I value. Thus, if my system of values is such that I put other people ahead of myself, then I am still seeking my own personal happiness by putting them first.

“I said someone could argue that I could act against my own nature, but I’d counter by saying that doing so is what was valued, and in the end, would result in my own happiness. And as such, altruism is impossible, in the purest definition. I also recall discussing doing one’s duty without being attached to the results, sort of like you said just before. I recall a debate with her over what it meant to do ones duty, and where our ultimate responsibility lies. My thinking on that has evolved over the last eleven years.”

“How so?”

I thought for a moment to ensure I had reasonable clarity of mind, recalling what I’d learned in Japan, as well as the lessons Anala and Michelle had taught me.

“My ultimate responsibility must be first to myself, because if I am not thinking and acting properly, it’s impossible to do my duty, or achieve any of the goals you described earlier. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, but to use an example, if I fail to run my business in a proper, ethical way, I’ll fail in achieving «artha», and if I do that, I won’t be able to properly care for my family, which would impact THEIR spiritual quest.”

“Quite so. I believe your path should begin with Jnana yoga - the path of knowledge and self-realization; to know the answer to the questions ‘Who am I?’ and ‘What am I?’. Your goal is unification of your «atman» with the ultimate soul, Brahman. There are three activities in which you should engage. The first is what you are doing now, «sravana». This is listening to a yogi, a guide. The second is «manana», thinking about the things we discuss. The third is «nididhyāsana», or meditation to realize the truths learned through the first two practices. Practicing these properly will lead to correct knowledge, which will rid you of «avidya», or error.”

“My concern is I’m leaving for Europe in a week, and I won’t be able to come back until October.”

“Then I think the best thing is for you to read the Gita as you plan to do. We’ll begin by discussing the precepts found there.”

I nodded, “Just as Anala did with me.”

“She is one of my best students. Which day will you be able to return?”

“I was thinking October 8th, if that would work.”

“Indeed. I will see you then.”

As I left, I realized that each and every teacher, or guide, or sensei, or whatever word I wanted to use, was telling me the same basic thing. In the end, the key to it all was the concept of «lagom» - balance.

September 4, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

“Steve, Penny is on the phone,” Kara called out.

“Elyse, would you take over here?” I asked, handing her the spatula I was using to make eggs.

She accepted the spatula and I went to my study to take the call. I shut the door behind me, and picked up the receiver that Kara had set down on the desk.

“Hi, Penny. Is everything OK?”

“I don’t know. Did Terry call you or come by?”

“No. I haven’t seen him since breakfast yesterday, and wouldn’t expect to. What’s going on?”

“He went to the gym this morning, you know, like he usually does. He should have been home twenty minutes ago. I called the gym and they said he had checked out just after 7:00am as he usually does. He took his car, so he wouldn’t have to wait for the bus or L.”

“Was he upset? Maybe he stopped for coffee? He usually does that before coming to the office after the gym.”

“He didn’t seem upset.”

I faintly heard knocking at the front door and I would have put money on who was knocking.

“Penny, someone’s at the door. Let me see if it’s Terry. I promise to call you back.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up and walked to the foyer just as Kara was opening the front door.

“Hey, Boss,” Terry said. “Got some time to talk?”

I nodded, “Absolutely. Come on in. Can I get you anything?”

He grinned, and held up his hand, which had a cardboard caddy with two white cups with a distinctive green logo.

“I got Starbucks.”

They’d recently opened a store just outside Union Station. I felt their coffee was roasted too heavily and tasted almost burnt, not to mention my objection to the cost of the cup of coffee compared to 79¢ cups at most diners with free refills.