Chapter 6: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

September 12, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“I was surprised when Michelle didn’t ask to talk to me before bed,” I said as Kara and I got into bed.

“She’s confused and worried,” Kara said.

“That’s no surprise,” I said. “I really wonder if I made a big mistake a year ago.”

“Did you make a mistake coming to my bed with me?”

“There were times when I wondered if I had.”

“I know. But you don’t think it was a mistake at this point, despite everything that happened. We weathered the storms of my dad finding out about us and my meltdown.”

“If by ‘finding out about us’ you mean you telling him we were having sex, then yes!” I chuckled.

“I may have let that slip out,” Kara giggled.

“All because Sandy ratted you out for dancing for her own purposes. Her brother wanted you and she was angry with me over Josh and Mary.”

“Michelle is where I was that Christmas Eve night. The first one, not the second one.”

“Because she hasn’t actually confronted the problem,” I said. “She ran away from me, but then a year later, she ran away from the monastery.”

“Yes. It took me a long time, and finally through talking with Doctor Mercer, I broke free of the box that I’d been put into by my dad and Pastor Kent.”

“Are you suggesting that Michelle needs counseling?”

“No, I don’t think so. She needs to find a way to balance things. For me, it was easier, because I more or less gave up on organized religion after my experience at Grace Church. And, over the years, I’ve become more of an agnostic, closer to your position.”

“So then what?” I asked. “Is she really prepared for the future she’s contemplating?”

“Were we prepared for the future that first night in my bedroom? Or either night at Melanie’s house? Or when I moved here?”

“A reasonable point. So what are you thinking?”

“She wants, more than anything else, to make love with you. She wants to be with you long term. She’ll sacrifice everything for that.”

“But will she be happy?” I asked.

“That’s up to her, isn’t it?” Kara asked. “She knows what you’re able to offer her. She knew that when she wrote to you. In fact, she thought she’d have less because she didn’t know Jessica had left us. So in a sense, she’s better off than she thought she’d be.”

“What do YOU want?” I asked.

“It’s been eight years and I LIKE having a third. I think, no, I’m sure, we need a third. Remember, I wanted to be with you and Joyce when I was seventeen. The problem at that point was what we basically agreed was programming from Grace Church.”

“Have you broached the topic of being our third with Michelle?”

“No,” Kara said. “You have to ask her that question.”

“I’ll talk to her tomorrow night after karate.”

“And now I think we’ve talked enough!” Kara said, rolling on top of me.

September 13, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“There is an issue I didn’t think about last night,” I said to Kara when I came back from running with Gina on Monday morning.

“What’s that?” she asked as I stepped into the shower.

“If Michelle comes to our bed, what do we tell the kids? Birgit will ask for sure, and so will Albert and Ashley. In fact, our eldest daughter will ask if Michelle is a new mommy.”

“You’ll be able to explain to Birgit,” Kara said. “Albert and Ashley are a bigger concern. Let me talk to them when I get home from work.”

“I’ll take Birgit to the ‘Indian’ room this morning and talk to her. And I’ll talk to Elyse so she can decide how to handle things with Matthew and Michael.”

I finished my shower, dressed and went downstairs to make breakfast. Once we’d eaten, I let Elyse know I needed an extra ten minutes and took Birgit with me to the ‘Indian’ room. I sat in one of the basket chairs and she cuddled in my lap.

“Pumpkin, you know your other mommy decided not to live with us anymore.”

“Yes. She was mean to you and Mommy!”

It was more complicated than that, but I wasn’t going to win that argument with Birgit. Jessica had hurt Kara and me and Birgit knew it. That settled the matter in her mind.

“And you know that Michelle came back to live with us.”

“Yes! She’s nice. I like her.”

“Mommy and I both like her, too. A lot.”

“Sex?!” Birgit giggled.

“Yes, you little stinker!” I chuckled. “Would you be upset if Mommy and I wanted Michelle to sleep in our bed with us?”

“No! You have sex with people you want to, and not with people you don’t want to!”

“It wouldn’t make you sad?” I asked.

“No! Mommy left. You and Mommy aren’t happy! I want you and Mommy to be happy!”

I really wished she’d adopt Jesse’s ‘Mom One’ and ‘Mom Two’ because it would make things easier, but I understood her in context to mean that Jessica had left and that Kara and I were unhappy and our daughter wanted us to be happy.

“Are you happy, Pumpkin?”

“Yes! I like school. I have a new friend! Tiffany is really nice!”

“Any boys at school?” I asked with a smile.

“They’re dumb! But I like Peter! I eat lunch with him!”

That was Dave’s son, and he and Birgit had become pretty tight. She liked Eric as well, but he was a few years younger. And of course Nicholas, who was a year younger than she was.

“Good! I need to go to work now.”

“Cuddles! One minute!”

I hugged her tightly to me for a minute, as she’d requested. After the minute expired, I kissed her forehead and she kissed my cheek, and I took her to the great room where I said ‘goodbye’ to the kids. Elyse and I headed to the car for the drive to the West Loop.

“I have a challenge for you,” I said, as I pulled out of the driveway.

“I like challenges!” Elyse laughed.

“Not THAT kind of challenge! I think I might lose that kind of challenge! No, I need you to talk to Matthew and Michael about Michelle.”

“What’s the big deal? You slept with Samantha and they knew about that.”

“Eventually, I’m going to invite her to the master bedroom. Long term.”

“What the fuck?” Elyse gasped.

“Do you remember why Kara had her meltdown?”

“Sure. Because she freaked out over sex with Joyce.”

“Kara thinks we need a third. She’s always thought that. She just couldn’t reconcile her relationship with Joyce with her Christian upbringing. After a horrible year and some counseling, she not only came to terms with what happened with Joyce, but wants that kind of relationship, at least in a proper context.”

“I can NOT see Michelle doing anything like that!” Elyse protested.

“We don’t know if she will or not. We’ll start with the three of us being in bed together and me making love to them individually. We’ll see what happens from that point.”

Elyse shook her head, “A bridge too far.”

“For you. You were never even comfortable with being in the same bed. The closest you came to being OK with it was when you and Jackie helped me.”

Elyse laughed, “If I could tolerate eating pussy, Jessica would never have had a chance.”

“Could be,” I said. “But I need you to talk to our boys about this situation. I talked to Birgit about it this morning and Kara is going to talk to Albert and Ashley when she gets home.”

“What about Stephie?”

“Stephie seems to keep her own counsel,” I chuckled. “She’s only three, but she does a lot of watching and isn’t fazed by anything. I think the only time she’s ever been upset was that day Kara was sick!”

“Would you like to make a wager?”

“On what?”

“Stephie. I’ll bet you anything you care to wager she and Nicholas end up married.”

“What?!” I gasped.

“I’m sure you’ve seen the way they act around each other! I know they’re only four and three, but there’s some serious chemistry between them.”

“Talk to me in twenty years,” I chuckled. “We’ll see. What about Matthew and Chelsea?”

Elyse laughed, “He asked if they were coming to visit soon!”

“So he could run away?” I chuckled. “Or because he wants to see her?”

“Run away, I think. But give him six or seven years and I think he’ll change his mind!”

“You’ll talk to the boys?”

“Sure. I don’t think they’ll care all that much. It’s more your four with Kara and Jessica.”

“Which we’re working on,” I said.

“Are you sure this is the right thing to do?”

“That’s rich coming from the woman who told me to forget about Jessica!”

“I’m a complex woman!” Elyse laughed. “But seriously, just because I told you to quit obsessing about Jessica doesn’t mean you need to bring Michelle into your bed. Maybe just ease into it.”

I laughed, hard, “That is how I like it!”

“That’s it, Mr. Adams!” Elyse laughed. “It’s the flogger for you tomorrow night!”

Work was blessedly calm, with no major issues raised in the leadership meeting, and nothing arising during the day. After a nice dinner, Kara, Michelle, and I went to karate class. After class, I brought Michelle into my study to talk. We sat side-by-side in the wingback chairs, and I took her hand. I’d asked her about her first day of class at dinner, so I decided just to get right to the meat of the conversation.

“What are you thinking?” I asked.

Michelle smiled, “About you. About us. About how my life changed so dramatically when I met you. How I had sex long before I thought I would and in circumstances I would never have imagined. My spiritual life is in complete turmoil and I’m asking to live in sin with you.”

“And how do you feel about all that? Would you go back and change it if you could?”

Michelle laughed, “Oh sure, ask ME to play that ‘What if?’ game you’ll never play. No. I would not take back going to bed with you. Ever. I love how you treated me before that. I love how it felt to be with you that way. I want to be with you that way again. And I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

I had a flashback to a conversation I’d had with Kara the summer after I graduated. Kara’s dad had grounded her, or, as we’d said, put her on ‘double-secret probation’ after Kara had blurted out that she was no longer a virgin. She’d expressed the exact same sentiments. The parallels between Kara and Michelle were even stronger than I’d thought they were. The question was, what was she going to do? Kara had continued to go to church for some time after that; a long time, actually. But her church’s rejection of confession to a priest meant she could, in effect, keep her sins to herself. Michelle did not have that luxury.

“And that’s really what you want?” I asked. “No marriage? No kids?”

“I’m not sure I could ever let another man touch me in that way,” Michelle said. “And if making that commitment to you is the only way I can be with you, I’ll make it.”

We were in VERY dangerous territory. Samantha had said that Michelle would do anything, with no limits, to be with me. The last thing I wanted to do was manipulate her. She was very contemplative, and usually thought things through. But now, it didn’t seem like she had any limits or boundaries, and had simply decided to place herself in my hands. She said as much at the monastery and repeated it a few times since we’d come back to Chicago.

“No,” I said gently. “I’m not asking for that kind of commitment for exactly the reasons we discussed. You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you like, with no conditions. I mean that. I want you to understand that you have complete freedom to make your own decisions and choose your own path through life.”

She smiled, “Some paths are blocked, others are narrow and strewn with rocks. I think we had this discussion.”

“We did. Do you remember our discussions about consent?”

“Yes. But I thought we were past that issue!”

I shook my head, “No. We’re never past that issue. Anyone has the right to say ‘no’ at any point. Period. To anything.”

“But...” she started to say.

“But, nothing,” I interrupted. “Remember «agape»? I would never, ever want you to do something you didn’t truly want to do. I’m sure you remember how careful I was with you. It was like that with Kara, too.”

And most other girls, but I wasn’t going to bring up THAT issue at the moment.

“I do remember. And I remember talking about this as well.”

“You fully understand my situation? I’m still married to Jessica and Kara, and I still sleep with Elyse at least once a week, usually on Tuesday nights.”

Michelle nodded, “Yes, I know. But nothing has changed with Jessica, right?”

“That’s correct. Can you accept that? I mean, truly? You know I can’t be exclusive with you.”

Michelle nodded, “I know. Would you still be with other girls?”

“That’s part of what we’re here to talk about. First of all, nothing will change with Elyse. We’ll most likely be together like that for the rest of our lives. Kara is OK with that. In fact, Kara is OK with me being with other girls, so long as I follow the rules.”

“Any girl? As many as you want?”

“Not any girl. The rules put some serious limits on that. As for how many, there’s no simple answer for that. My opinion on the matter has evolved and will continue to do so. And that’s part of this talk.”

“About what I can accept?”

“And what I can accept. There is one non-negotiable thing, and that is that Jessica is my wife, with all that implies.”

“You want her back.”

A statement, not a question.

“Fervently and with all my heart,” I said. “But the people closest to me don’t think that’s going to happen. I just wanted to get it out there so there are no misunderstandings.”

“Would you send me away if she came back?”

“No. At this point, Jessica doesn’t get to impose conditions. This is the second time she’s left us. If she wants to come back, it will be on Kara’s terms.”

“Because you love Jessica enough to take her back unconditionally, but you also love Kara enough not to want to hurt her.”

“Exactly. The situation with Elyse is, well, flexible. Five to seven years from now, she’s going to move out to the suburbs. It’s what she’s wanted since she finished her Master’s. She stays here because of me and the kids. But there is a limit to how much more ‘city living’ she can stand. When she moves, and her boys will go with her, things will change.”

“I got that picture when I lived here before.”

“As for other girls, there’s my friend Tara in Pittsburgh, and my friend Pia in Sweden. Both of them would understand if our relationships became intimate, but not physical. You’ve seen how my friend Melanie greets me. That’s been going on since High School, and is never, ever going to change. Nor will my very intimate relationships with Kathy or Penny. But there is nothing physical going on with either of them, though we kiss and hug and dance. But you’ve seen all that at some point, either before you went to Pennsylvania or after you came back.”

Michelle nodded, “Yes. And you and Samantha seem to have a very, very close relationship.”

“I’m sort of a cross between a father, a mentor and a friend. You know about her situation at home.”

Well, she did, to a point. Samantha hadn’t said anything beyond her parents getting a divorce, and there hadn’t been any news about Noel Spurgeon since Michelle came back to Chicago.

“May I ask a very personal question?”

“Yes, but I may not be able to answer it.”

“Were you ever with those girls from the Rap Sessions?”

I smiled, “You know I won’t lie to you, and so if I say anything other than ‘no’, you’ll know that I was. Normally, that information is restricted to my wives. But as you’re applying for the position, I’ll answer. Yes, I was.”