Chapter 62: Land of the Rising Sun, Part VIII

July 10, 1994, Oguni, Yamagata Prefecture, Japan

How did I get myself into these predicaments?

It had all started so innocently with sharing tea after breakfast, which had led to an intimate, yet completely platonic friendship, at least in my mind. And even after that month, I still wasn’t sure exactly what Sakurako was asking for. I wasn’t sure how to handle what could be an explosive situation. Despite my resolve to not talk things to death, this specific situation could only be resolved by talking.

“Come in, Sakurako-chan,” I said softly.

I moved to the low table and sat on one of the cushions. Sakurako slid the door shut, then came to sit on the other cushion opposite me. I was at a loss for how to even approach this conversation, but I had to have it. It seemed crass to simply ask her what she wanted, and I wondered if the easiest way out was to simply tell her a small fib about fidelity, and leave it at that.

I’d been very careful to not lie about my family situation, and had simply not volunteered extra information. But I wondered just how much Sensei Robert knew. Or Sensei Hiro. Somewhere along the way, I was sure Sensei Jim had mentioned to Sensei Robert my unique situation. Whether or not that had been conveyed to Sensei Hiro, I had no idea. But even if those two knew the truth, and were politely allowing me to avoid speaking aloud something that might give offense, I was sure there was no way Sakurako knew about it.

But telling that fib just felt wrong. I thought back to the conversation at the Rap Session just over four years earlier, when Jorge, Jennifer, Henry, Gaby, Jessica, and others had debated the notion of ‘little white lies’. I had started the conversation with a quote from Tolstoy - ‘Anything is better than lies and deceit!’ and we had come to no real conclusion, though there was a consensus that judging who the lie helped was about the best way we could decide if a ‘little white lie’ was acceptable or not.

The problem was, we’d concluded that if the lie helped the other person, it was probably OK, but if it was self-serving, it probably wasn’t. Which mean my ‘deceit’ here was wrong by the standards we’d come up with. But now I realized that conclusion had to be wrong. Both Father Basil and Vladyka ALYPY had made the point of being discreet and not volunteering information which would give offense. That would technically be deceit that helped me, but it also seemed to be the right thing to do.

I was thinking in circles again, and not finding a simple way out. I decided to simply continue with the fib and see if we could make our way through a minefield without blowing her, myself, or both of us, to bits.

“Sakurako-chan, I care for you deeply and don’t want to hurt you, cause trouble with your grandparents, or give you or them offense. In ten days, I’m going back to the US, to my family and my work. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back. I’m not sure what you’re asking for, but whatever might happen between us would have to end when I go home.”

“Do you love me?” she asked quietly.

This was one of those times when I wished I spoke Japanese fluently and completely understood how to use nuanced language. In English, we could say ‘I love my job’, ‘I love chocolate’, ‘I love the Pittsburgh Penguins’, or ‘I love you’, all with very different connotations, and all understood in the cultural context. I had NO idea what her context was, or what the variations in Japanese were, or even how to explain what I was worried about. But I had a chance to perhaps redirect the conversation and find an escape route.

“I care for you very much,” I said. “It’s difficult to explain, but love is a complicated word with many meanings. Is that true in Japanese?”

“Yes. There are three main words - «好き» (suki), «大好き» (daisuki), «愛してる» (aishiteru), each one stronger than the previous one. You would use the first to begin dating.”

“Not ‘I like you and want to go out with you’?” I asked.

“We would use «好きです» (suki desu) to say that, but the boy should say it first to the girl. It means he wishes to spend time alone with her. Most dating is in groups until the boy says «好きです» (suki desu).”

“Is that what you meant when you asked if I love you?”

She nodded, “Yes.”

“And I called you Sakurako-chan,” I said, realizing that I had initiated that new level of intimacy.

“Yes,” she said simply.

I smiled, “I think I understand a bit better now. If I may be completely honest, I didn’t think we were dating. We were, weren’t we? And I misunderstood?”

Sakurako was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly, “Japanese prefer to show love rather than speak it.”

And suddenly I understood. I hadn’t used the Japanese words to change the relationship, but I certainly had acted in a way that conveyed the meaning of the words I hadn’t known about, much less uttered. Nor had I known anything of Japanese courtship rituals. I’d been culturally ignorant, and THAT was how I found myself in this predicament.

“I invited you to stay for tea,” I said, slowly letting out a breath. “And to you, I was saying ‘«suki desu»’ even if I didn’t use the words.”

“Yes.”

And then the progression - spending time together while I was working in the garden; spending time together in my room on the rainy day; asking permission to have two days free; and the tea ceremony. The scales fell from my eyes. I had missed it all because I didn’t understand Japanese culture. I suppressed a laugh because I realized her grandmother had been amused because she, with the wisdom that came with great age, understood what was going on and I didn’t! And I had no doubt she had spoken to Sensei Hiro. But what did THAT mean? Was I being tested?

Hiroshi had said that Sakurako would be free to date and to select her own husband. Did that mean she was also free to select a lover? A married lover? His cryptic comment about the «kabuki» play now made perfect sense. He probably understood his sister very well, and saw what was happening from a Japanese perspective from which I didn’t, couldn’t, and probably never would be able to, see things. And he’d told me about his relationship with his girlfriend, in a conservative Japanese community.

“When you asked to perform the tea ceremony for me, which word would you have used?”

“«大好きです» (daisuki desu),” she said softly.

Which was the middle one. It sounded similar, and I guessed that «dai» meant ‘more’ or ‘lots’ or something similar. And now I knew exactly where this was headed.

“And now?”

“«愛してるわ» (aishiteru wa),” she said simply.

And I’d accepted, willingly, each escalation, and had even caused them, without knowing what I was doing. Well, this was another fine mess I’d gotten myself into. As I thought about my response, my eyes went to the hanging scrolls on the well. They were ornate calligraphy and there was no way she had done them between Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. In fact, they had to have taken hours each. Which meant planning. And expectation of acceptance.

“Sakurako-chan, when did you start writing the hanging scrolls?”

“The day after it rained and I was here.”

And after our shoulders had touched and her hair had draped over my chest. Before that, I hadn’t even touched her briefly, not even fingers touching when something was handed between us. And then again when I’d let her put the ointment on me, a very personal, very intimate act. What I hadn’t known at the time, but had found out a bit later, was that her grandmother knew about her bringing the ointment and had to know Sakurako intended to administer it. If I’d made an obvious error in judgment, that was probably it, though I suspected it wouldn’t have made much difference in the end.

“Before you even asked me to get permission from your grandfather.”

She nodded, “Yes.”

“May I tell you something honestly?”

“Of course, Steve-chan.”

“I was completely unaware of what was happening, and didn’t understand the significance of the things we were doing together. I suppose I didn’t even think about an innocent girl coming to a married man.”

“There would be no shame in me being with a man I loved before I met my husband. And there is no dishonor in a married man being with a woman other than his wife, if his wife does not object.”

That last phrase made me wonder if there was wider knowledge of my situation at home than I suspected.

“I agree with both of those things, but how do you know my wife would not object?”

She frowned and looked down. I was missing some vital piece of information and I had no idea what it was. What did she know? And how?

“Sakurako-chan,” I said gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Will you forgive a transgression?” she asked quietly.

“Of course,” I said as soothingly as possible.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I looked at the pictures of your family in your wallet. There are many women and your children resemble different ones.”

Oh for the love of ... that would indeed be a dead giveaway. Birgit clearly resembled Kara, and Jesse had Jennifer’s strawberry blonde hair and her nose. Ashley looked like a mix of Jessica and my little sister, though she certainly favored Stephanie more. Matthew closely resembled me, but Michael had many of Elyse’s features. Stephie had more of my features, though softened by Kara’s beauty. Albert was going to be the issue in the long term. I could already see features of Doctor Albert Barton in him. And THAT would, eventually, force the issue of identifying Jessica’s true father.

“Are you going to send me away?” she asked apprehensively.

“For looking at my pictures? No. But, Sakurako-chan, there is a delicate issue. Do you know of a disease called ‘AIDS’ or ‘HIV’?”

“You have it?” she gasped.

“No, I don’t. And I’ve had tests to make sure. But there are many ways to get it, including blood transfusions.”

“Do you know about «薬害エイズ事件» (yakugai eizu jiken)? There was an issue with the blood supply in Japan and many men with the bleeding disease became sick. It is a terrible scandal. I know about it because Huong explained it to me when I spoke with her last week.”

I instantly had a sneaking suspicion exactly where this was going, and if I was right, this was no unplanned event. In fact, it was exactly what Hiroshi had said - a stylized, dramatic «kabuki» play. Only I hadn’t had the script, and even if I’d had it, it would have been in Japanese!

“And you told her what you were thinking and she administered the test?”

She looked down, averting her eyes.

“Was it wrong of me?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

“No,” I said. “At least not in the way I think you mean.”

“Could you explain?”

“You did the right thing if you thought there was any possibility of me inviting you to stay with me.”

“But you feel as if I tricked you?”

I shook my head gently, “Oh no, not at all. We each followed our own culture and because of the differences, we arrived at a place I didn’t expect. May I ask a question?”

“You do not need permission to ask,” she said.

“Do Japanese kiss in public?”

“Traditionally, Japanese did not kiss on the lips as Westerners do, but this is more common now. When it is done, it is almost always in private, not like in the movies I have seen.”

“What movies?” I asked.

“Robert-san obtained movies in English for us to watch to help us learn. I have seen many American films.”

“And your favorite?”

“I think, Footloose, because of the music and dancing. I didn’t understand the religious issues, though Robert-san tried to explain. May I ask a question?”

“Yes.”

“Do many films make fun of Asians like the movie about the High School girl when the family forgot her birthday?”

“Sixteen Candles,” I said with a soft laugh. “I don’t think that’s normal. And I wouldn’t take that movie to represent what really happens in America.”

She giggled softly, “That is what Robert-san said, too, but he has not been to America for a long time.”

“Today, when you were doing the things you did for me, were you playing the role of the wife?”

She nodded, “Yes. I knew that is what I wanted to do for you when our shoulders touched and I smelled the wonderful scent you wear. That is why I came to you at night.”

I stifled a laugh. The only ‘scent’ I wore was my Brut deodorant. I’d tried several other deodorants, and without exception, all of them, like all anti-perspirants, caused a rash under my arms, so I stuck with Brut. And she liked the scent! I stifled a second laugh as I marveled at the crazy places my mind would go when I was trying to handle a complex situation.

“Because,” I said carefully, “everything I did led you to believe I wanted the same thing?”

She nodded slowly, “Yes, but it seems I was wrong.”

“I thought of you as a friend; a close, intimate friend. One I very much enjoyed being with.”

She smiled, “And that is when a boy would say «好きです» (suki desu). But you do not know the words, so when you invited me to stay and have tea, and later, to spend the rainy day with you, and called me ‘Sakurako-chan’, I felt you say it in my heart.”

“What will you do if I don’t invite you to stay?”

“Go back to my own room and sleep.”

“I meant how will you feel? Will you hate me?”

“No, I could never hate you, Steve-chan! I would be sad and disappointed, but it would be my own fault for thinking you understood Japanese ways.”

“What would your grandfather say?”

“I would not tell him, but he has said I may date and eventually select my own husband, with the understanding he must be traditional Japanese. But that is what I want, so there is no conflict. And as I said, there is no shame in being with a man before I find a suitable husband.”

“Does your grandmother know?” I asked.

She averted her eyes again, “She asked me what I intended when I asked to borrow the liniment.”

I laughed softly, “She knew then what you wanted.”

“Grandmother is smart. In fact, I would say she is smarter than Grandfather. She runs the house, handles the money, does the shopping, and so on. Do not tell Grandfather I said this, but it is Grandmother who is in charge!”

I laughed harder, “Ain’t that the truth!”

“What do you mean?”

“That the women are always in charge! The difference between the US and Japan is that we speak openly about it. Here, I guess, it’s more hidden.”

Sakurako joined me in laughing, “Only to those who do not know how things truly work! The men believe they are in charge, and it is true they make some decisions, but the one who controls the purse is the one who is in charge. Grandfather would never do anything which Grandmother truly objected to.”

I realized Elyse controlled the purse both in my house AND for my business. This revelation certainly put THAT relationship in a whole new light!

“And waiting on them hand and foot?” I asked.

“Is part of my duty as the one who maintains the household. Grandfather’s duty is to protect the family and provide an income. And to father children.”

“And your duty as a daughter and granddaughter?”

“To assist in keeping the household, and to honor and obey my parents and grandparents. To eventually marry, have children, keep my own house, and care for my husband and children. Just as Grandmother has done.”