Chapter 5: A New Friend

September 12, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Your grandfather is going to kill both of us,” I said.

“I don’t plan to tell him,” Ailea said with a smile. “And he would only be that angry if I didn’t remember you were married!”

“This is a really, really bad idea.”

“Having lunch with me? Talking with me?”

“Without supervision,” I said.

“I don’t need him to watch over me,” she said resolutely.

“No, but HE thinks you do. And we’re sitting in his house!”

“It was the only way I could get you to have lunch with me and talk in private. So, drink your tea, relax, and I’ll get our lunch.”

I nodded, still wary of what her actual motivation was. I thought back and wondered if I’d completely misread her based on my misunderstanding of what she was saying to me and how she was acting. Was this a situation similar to Cèlia where I’d misread the situation? It was entirely possible. And that meant all I needed to do was avoid any foolish comments or actions, and everything would be fine.

I picked up my teacup and sipped the green tea.

“Good,” she said with a smile. “How did you get into karate?”

“When I first moved to Chicago about twelve years ago, I wanted something that would be more enjoyable as exercise than running. Ice skating was difficult because of the distance to the rink. I used to swim at home, but didn’t want to join the Y. The dojo was close to my apartment, so I went in and signed up for lessons. I’ve been going faithfully since August of 1981.”

“When did you achieve first Dan?”

“June of 1986.”

“And now you’re 3rd Dan,” Ailea said with a smile. “That’s impressive.”

“You never got into martial arts?”

“No. I prefer ballet and playing my saxophone.”

“Are you in the band at school?”

“Yes. Marching band.”

“You’re a Senior now?”

“Yes. I plan to go to UIC for pre-law. Political Science with a Criminal Justice minor.”

“Another lawyer,” I said shaking my head. “I have too many of them already!”

“You’ve had trouble with lawyers?”

“And the FBI and the police. All BS, mind you. I’ve never been charged with anything let alone convicted. I’ve been sued unsuccessfully a few times, for both personal and business matters. I’ve dealt with enough lawyers for three lives, and I’m only thirty! But I shouldn’t be complaining to you or discouraging you. If that’s your calling, then go for it!”

We finished our tea and she got up and went to the kitchen and came back with sushi. She set out the bowls for soy sauce and I filled mine and then hers. Ailea sat down and we began to eat.

“Do you like sports?” she asked.

“Hockey is my favorite, but I like NASCAR, too. I used to be a big baseball fan, but I don’t watch it much these days. I go to a couple of games a year.”

“I like basketball. I love the Bulls. I also like Olympic gymnastics.”

“And you dance, too?”

“Yes, it’s not really a sport, but it is good exercise.”

We continued to talk while we ate, and when we finished, Ailea cleared away the dishes, and walked me to the door.

“Thank you for having lunch with me,” she smiled. “I enjoyed it. Would you come again on October 10th? My grandfather and my parents go to Milwaukee once a month to see his brother.”

She’d behaved absolutely properly, and even if her grandfather discovered I had been here, absolutely nothing improper had happened. The only question in my mind was whether or not to say anything to him. That seemed like a betrayal of Ailea’s trust more than of his, as I HAD remembered I was married and so had she.

“Sure. I enjoyed this lunch.”

“Good. It’s nice to have an older friend to talk to.”

I bowed to Ailea and headed out to my car for the drive home. I reproved myself for having thought Ailea had ulterior motives and that she’d wanted anything other than friendship. It had been my OWN thoughts that had been impure, not hers. And I’d imputed those to her. It was something I needed to watch out for in every instance going forward as I tried to have female friends who were not also lovers. So far, only Gina had qualified and remained that way. Ailea looked to be another one and that made me feel good.

I still hadn’t decided what to do about Cindi. That inflection point had been passed in January of 1983 after she’d broken up with Dave. I laughed when I remembered her saying that we weren’t compatible because I was always going to have multiple girls. She’d been absolutely right. That had been when she’d said she’d have me for her last fling as a single woman where she’d have me fuck her as close to death as possible. We’d agreed on that, and then I’d reneged as I’d developed my rule about women who were in committed relationships.

Now, she was single again, and had asked me to fulfill the bargain we’d made. She’d laughed about me being patient for five years and she had, in the end, been patient for ten years! And now I had to decide, once and for all, if I was going to give Cindi the experience she wanted. And before I made THAT decision, I had to decide if I really wanted to be with Cindi or not. And I wasn’t sure.

In one sense, despite my belief it wasn’t possible, I felt I owed it to her. The other thing was that Cindi wasn’t my type in many, many ways - personality, experience, body shape, chest size, and a host of other things. I liked Cindi, a lot, and she was a good friend, albeit no longer a close one. She was a fantastic employee and a great executive. But none of those things added up to someone I would have approached with sex in mind. And yet, I did find her attractive.

Cindi’s experience didn’t scare me or bother me, and I was sure she would be fun. But that’s ALL she would be. That wasn’t a deterrent in and of itself, since most of the girls I’d been with since I married were for fun. In fact, there were only a few exceptions - Abbie, Pia, Michelle, Samantha, and Fawn to name the very few. I might include Tara and Jodie in that list, but even so, I’d had a lot of sex just for fun.

I laughed out loud, because I was talking myself in circles. I’d been with so many girls in my life, what was one more? Which brought me back to what both Michelle and Samantha had tried to make me understand. In the end, though, Samantha had effectively released me from those restraints, apparently at the request of her friends. But that was done now. If I was honest with myself, I’d MUCH rather have Liz again than Cindi.

There was one additional element that came to mind. Back when Cindi had made her statement about what she wanted from me, it had been in response to an offer by Stephie to share me. We’d been having Friday night dinners at the apartment and Dave was bringing Julia for the first time. Stephie had been concerned, as had I, that Cindi would be upset or worse, would stop coming. I didn’t think Stephie’s offer was valid ten years on, especially given that she had married Jason, but it did tell me that, at the time, Stephie thought I should do it.

I laughed again at the weird ‘stream of consciousness’ thoughts I was having, many of them taking me back to a day in the old apartment that I’d shared with Elyse, and, eventually, Stephie. So much had happened in the ten years that had passed. That had been just after Kara’s meltdown, one of the defining moments of my life. Since then we’d reconciled, married, and had children. We’d met Jessica and I’d had children with her. I’d also had children with Elyse, and of course, had Jesse with Jennifer.

I tried to bring my wandering mind back to the question at hand. I knew I was struggling in part because of Michelle. One thing was certain in my mind - if Kara and I did invite Michelle into the relationship we were considering, then there would be no dalliances in my near future, or perhaps, ever. That was a serious commitment that I needed to talk to Kara about before we moved forward. I’d be giving up every other girl for all time. That was more of a commitment than I’d made to Samantha. Was I willing to make it?

Cindi. My mind kept wandering. It was now or never. I knew what Michelle’s opinion would be if I asked. I knew what Kara’s opinion was, because she’d told me. I cared what they thought, and that had to impact my decision. Joyce had once told me that Kara was the first girl I’d loved enough to ask myself ‘What would she think?’ about things I did. And that was still true. Jessica’s opinion had, I thought, agreed with Kara, but after what Kara had said earlier, I wasn’t sure I could trust anything Jessica had said about anything other than her career.

When I pulled into the driveway, I still hadn’t decided one way or the other. I was tempted to flip a coin and let Fate decide. Hell, Fate had decided so many things in my life, what was one more? I thought Cindi might even have a laugh about it. Well, assuming things went her way. I reached into my pocket, tossed the coin - a nickel, of all things - into the air, caught it, turned it onto my wrist and accepted the result.

I walked into the house to find my family and friends scattered amongst the rooms. There was no race because it had been run the day before with good results for Bill, who had finished second. Jimmy Hensley, sponsored by Cellular One for the Richmond race, had finished 21st. Bill had been slowly moving up in the season points standings, and now stood 8th, about 760 points behind Earnhardt who had a nearly 300-point lead on Rusty Wallace.

I found Kara with the kids in the sunroom, and asked her to come to my study.

“Are you sure this is the route you want to go?” I asked.

Kara nodded, “I think so. Enough to take some baby steps as you said.”

“You know she’s not going to accept any dalliances of any kind, right?” I asked.

Kara smiled, “Neither was I. I did give you permission for one, because it had already been planned. And then you went to Becky.”

I sighed, “I know.”

“But from then, until Prom, it was just you and me. The situation with Stephanie was so strange; I’m not sure how to classify that. But until I released you, you avoided all the other girls. You CAN do it. Well, so long as you stay far enough away from Becky van Hoek.”

I nodded, “I was thinking about who it might affect, and honestly, at this point, it’s only Tara, and Pia, if she comes to visit again. Both of them would understand and accept the change. Anything else is simply wild speculation about what might happen in the future.”

“The fact that you brought it up is important,” Kara said.

“I was simply thinking through the ramifications of what we’re talking about. And, I have to ask, what if Jessica comes back?”

Kara sighed, “I know that’s weighing heavily on your mind, and I’m not ignoring the possibility, but how long do we wait? A year? Five years? Ten years? A lifetime? I’m not trying to argue against your point, just asking at what point you’ll decide it’s OK to do something different from what we’re doing now. We were talking hypothetically about this before Michelle’s surprise return, so it’s not just her.”

“No, it’s not,” I said. “But the reality of the situation is that she came back to be with me, seemingly forever.”

“And you aren’t sure that’s something you want.”

“I’m not sure it’s best for her. That’s the real problem.”

Kara smiled, “Isn’t that up to her to decide? That is, in the end, one of your core beliefs.”

I nodded, “Sure. I guess I’m concerned about her future.”

“What’s the worst possible outcome?” Kara asked.

“That’s a very good question. I can see several possible outcomes, but I can’t judge how good or bad they are. One would be she gets her degree, gets a job, and lives an effectively cloistered life here with us, with no sexual intimacy between her and me. Maybe she decides she wants to be a mother and wife and overcomes her ‘only one man for life’ impediment, as you think you would have. I don’t think I can predict how she’ll feel or think five days from now, let alone five years from now.

“Another possibility is a variation on that one, except she and I are sexually intimate, with the possibility of eventually finding a husband, though I think it’s less likely than if she and I don’t resume our sexual relationship. Then there’s the possibility of you and I bringing her to our bed in some modified version of a trio. That could play out either way, as well, once again depending on how strong the pull of motherhood is. There’s also the risk, however small, that Jessica comes back to us.

“I suppose there are an infinite number of possibilities, but those seem to be the main ones. The problem is, like all important, life-changing decisions, we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, let alone in the future. You and I both know that from experience. We’re at one of those major inflection points where the decision we make is going to have lasting impact, and we don’t have enough information to know what that impact will be.

“In a sense, we do that all the time. When I planned to propose to you, it was with the belief that that decision, at that time, provided for the best possible future I could have. I was sure enough that it was worth the risks. So I made the decision. What actually happened was something neither of us could predict, any more than we could have predicted what would happen after we first made love.

“In the end, life is about taking risks. And THAT is the bottom line of my philosophical differences with Jessica. I’m a risk taker. Oh sure, I dither while I fight with myself on decisions, but in the end, I’ll take a risk, even knowing there can be a very bad outcome. So will you, though your risk-reward evaluations are different from mine. But they aren’t at odds like they were with Jessica.

“In fact, going back to what you said this morning, about Jessica trying to find a, well, replacement, I wonder if the actual root of Jessica’s problem stems from her aversion to risk. In other words, she won’t take the risk of loving us and opening herself up to us completely. Doctor Green identified this as a source of conflict that he expected to last the rest of our lives.

“If you think about it, there were lots of little clues along the way. And, in hindsight, a big one. Even after getting complete access to my journals, Jessica wouldn’t share her diary with us. I accept that it contained her innermost thoughts, but she kept them from us, despite the two of us being so open. I think she refused because of her aversion to risk. She was afraid of what might happen.”