Chapter 41: ‘Me Time’

April 10, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

When I arrived home from Ailea’s I found the house mostly empty. Only Michelle was home, and she was in my study, reading.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“They went for a walk in the park. Jesse and his moms went, too. You just missed them by about ten minutes.”

“Why are you here?”

“Studying, of course! But I can take a break for you!”

“What did you have in mind?” I asked.

“A sauna and whirlpool?” Michelle said brightly.

I nodded and just over ten minutes later we were sitting side-by-side in the sauna with steam rising from the heated rocks. Michelle touched my hand and I took hers in mine. We interlaced our fingers and sat quietly for several minutes.

“These are the times I like the best,” Michelle sighed, laying her head on my shoulder.

“Are you not getting enough time with me?” I asked.

“You don’t have any more to give! When do you stop and take a breath? You have something going on every day; and most days, more than one thing. That’s not good for you. Or for your family.”

“I’m not sure what can give,” I said. “Work, karate, family, friends.”

“There’s one thing missing from that list - ‘Steve’.”

“You know I don’t like being alone,” I said. “I never have.”

“But you need to. It’s important for your mental health. Yes, you write in your journal, but that’s mostly in snippets here and there. When do you actually take time for you, to sit quietly and meditate or read or pray?”

“I do my morning prayers each day,” I said.

“Ten minutes isn’t enough ‘me time’ for you. Hopefully in Japan you’ll have some time for quiet contemplation away from everything.”

“So to prove your point you asked to spend time with me?” I asked playfully.

Michelle laughed softly, “It’s kind of difficult to talk if we’re apart!”

“True.”

“You don’t see this as a problem? That you are ALWAYS on the go? Constantly? Never stopping?”

I shook my head, “No, I don’t. I kind of did it to myself when I decided to have a very large family, and a large group of friends. And speaking of ‘on the go’, I need to be at Jesse’s hockey game at 4:00pm. Kara and Jess are making dinner tonight.”

“See, that’s what I mean. You had your karate this morning with Mitsuko and lunch with Ailea. You’ll be going to Jesse’s game, and then we have the weekly family dinner.”

“Which is what I want!” I said. “I actually arranged each of those things. I mean, I didn’t schedule Jesse’s hockey game, but I encourage him to play. The same is true for Matthew’s Go-Karts.”

“I was surprised when Elyse decided to let him drive again after those two drivers died.”

“It wasn’t easy and she still struggles with it, but he really wants to do it. They talked for a long time after he came back from visiting Abbie and Jason.”

“I’m amazed you just put him on a plane and let him go to North Carolina!”

“He went to Atlanta, too. My kids need to have their own lives. You saw what Birgit did in Vermont.”

“She spent all her time with Katy.”

“I encourage my kids to have adult friends. Jesse has Vasily, Matthew has Abbie and Jason, and Birgit has Katy. Hopefully, the other kids will develop similar relationships.”

“I’ve never seen a parent encourage their kids to have adult friends.”

“They need someone adult to talk to besides Mom or Dad,” I said. “Even as close as Birgit and I are, she needs an adult besides me or her moms to talk to.”

“Did you have someone like that?”

“Melanie’s mom was the main one, but also Joyce’s grandfather. But that wasn’t until I was a teenager.”

“And now you have Doctor Barton?”

“Yes. Having someone older, and theoretically wiser, is a good thing. I had Jorge, too. And he might have been the best of all of them, despite being younger. Everyone needs someone like that. Kurt, Karl, and Jamie provide good support as well. Tom might be a good choice, though I don’t know him well enough.”

“I always thought you relied on women.”

“I did, but I learned that I need men, usually older and more experienced, as advisors and mentors.”

“But you’re mine, and Samantha’s, and Jodie’s.”

I nodded, “I am. But they also need feminine input. None of us are monads.”

“Well, of course not! We don’t believe in that because we’re Trinitarians!”

I chuckled, “I didn’t mean theologically. I was thinking of the philosophical concept of the ‘unit’ that is self-contained. To be human, one must have relationships. It’s impossible to be human without them.”

“Because the Trinity is about relationships.”

“That is the Orthodox view,” I agreed. “But let’s leave theology out of this, please.”

“Why? To be human is to be in a relationship with God!”

“I know. My point was that we all need someone to mentor and guide us. Trying to do it on our own is a recipe for disaster.”

“That’s true, but it doesn’t mean you don’t need time for yourself.”

“Perhaps I’ll make Saturday evening my ‘alone time’.”

“No!” she snapped quickly.

“Ah,” I chuckled. “I see how this is! If it interferes with your time with me, THEN it’s different.”

“Would YOU pass up that kind of physical pleasure?”

“I could...” I grinned.

“No!” Michelle laughed.

“How about we make a deal? I see how things go in Japan, and we discuss this again when I come home.”

“If you promise you’ll make time for yourself in Japan.”

“I’ll do exactly what I’m instructed to do by Sensei Hiro.”

“But will you do exactly what you’re instructed by me?” she teased.

“Don’t I usually?”

“Yes, of course. I was just being silly. But I’m serious about you having time alone, for yourself.”

She had a reasonable point. In the past, before kids, I’d spent hours writing in my journal. Now, I’d jot a few notes about important events, and occasionally write longer entries. But, and this was important, I no longer had the kinds of problems I’d had in the past. To be sure, there were issues with Jessica and some outside issues, such as the lawsuit, but overall, things had been going smoothly since our wedding anniversary. They weren’t perfect, but they sure as heck were better than they had been in years.

“I’ll try,” I said.

“Good. How are things going with your female friends?”

“About like usual,” I replied without thinking.

Through our interlaced fingers, I felt Michelle tense up.

“No!” she said softly.

“Sorry,” I said quickly. “They both, in one way or another, pushed things in that direction, but I have not kissed either of them and I have no intention of doing that.”

“Now? Ever?” she asked, her grip on my hand tightening.

“I don’t know,” I said evenly, trying not to give a wrong impression. “You and I talked about this before. I’m struggling with finding «lagom». It’s not an easy task. Things are going very, very well right now, and I’m not going to do anything intentionally that would upset the apple cart. I honestly didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Almost three years later, I’m still struggling to understand you. Making love is such a personal, intimate act between two people, and yet you treat it like, I don’t know, eating or breathing.”

I shook my head, “No. You’re confusing me with Elizabeth. For her, it’s a simple biological function driven by electro-chemical processes and completely devoid of meaning. THAT is more like breathing, and I don’t agree with her at all. That said, I don’t believe sex is something that must be reserved for marriage and that you should only ever be with one person in your life.”

“Obviously,” Michelle sighed, but she loosened her grip on my hand a bit.

I responded as gently as I was able, trying not to sound like I was attacking her.

“Michelle, I love you very much. But you knew my views on this subject before you invited me to your bed, and yet you invited me. And you certainly knew my views before you asked me to bring you home, and yet you asked me to bring you home. Why?”

She sighed deeply, “Because I’m hopelessly in love with you. I have been from the very first day I met you. And like Kara, I had to make sacrifices to be with you.” Her voice changed, and she continued. “But you don’t seem willing to make sacrifices. It seems almost selfish, I guess. What happened to «agape»? Putting the needs of those you love ahead of your own?”

“You truly don’t think I do that?” I asked.

“On every issue but this one, I think you do. What makes this different?”

“In my defense, I’d argue that things are very different now than they were before. And you’re a big reason for that. And besides, it’s not the ONLY issue.”

“Oh?”

I chuckled softly, “Smoking. But I cut back on that as well, at Jessica’s request.”

“Now you make it sound like a bad habit or an addiction; and you yourself have said breaking those is more about willpower and personality than anything else. Where’s your willpower in that regard?”

“Smoking or sex?” I grinned.

Michelle laughed, and I felt her relax even more, “Either. Pick one.”

“Let’s take smoking, then, since it’s more controversial!”

“It is NOT!” Michelle protested, but she was still laughing.

“Want to ask Jessica that question?” I grinned.

“Probably not. Go on.”

“I could stop smoking anytime I choose to. I’d simply decide not to do it one day and that would be it. But I enjoy smoking a good cigar or very good tobacco in my pipe. Why deny myself completely? As I’ve said many, many times, I’d much rather live twenty years fewer and have a full, enjoyable life than live to a ripe old age and be miserable. And, to circle back to the original topic, I’ve done the same thing with sex with other women. It’s something I enjoy. And I have cut back. Way back.”

“So stop completely, then.”

“Including with you?” I asked, squeezing her hand.

“Uh, no,” she said quietly.

“So YOU get an exception to this rule you’re asking me to follow, but nobody else does. Why?”

“You are a real brat,” she huffed. “You managed to turn it completely around on me! Like you do with EVERYTHING when we debate.”

“It’s a matter of being consistent. If you want to be consistent, then we need to stop making love. Or you need to revise your beliefs. There really isn’t a middle way.”

“No, I suppose not. Kara had this exact same struggle.”

“Yes, she did. Jessica’s motives were different, obviously. What are you going to do?”

“I have no idea,” she sighed.

We sat quietly for another ten minutes, then moved to the whirlpool, where we cuddled quietly for another twenty minutes, before we had to get out so I could go to Jesse’s hockey game, and after that, celebrate Samantha’s birthday a couple of days early.

April 13, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

“I’d say that’s a good report,” Doctor Green said. “And I think we’re at a point where we need to look at the origins of your relationship.”

“Marry in haste; repent at leisure,” I grinned.

“Who are you quoting?” Doctor Green asked.

“My dad, who was quoting his dad. Where HE got it from, I have no idea. It does seem to apply.”

“An interesting observation. Jessica, Kara, forgive me for this next question, and Steve, please answer me honestly. Should you have married Jessica?”

I smiled. That was something I’d thought about quite a bit, and was one of the topics I’d written about in my journal. Elyse had said ‘I told you so’ as soon as she’d read it. But what I was about to say wasn’t the complete answer. It was more complicated.

“The answer to your question, the way you mean it, is ‘no’. But it’s complicated.”

Doctor Green laughed, “Of course it is. We don’t make decisions like that in a vacuum and I suspect you don’t think you made a mistake.”

I chuckled, “Oh, I did, or rather, we did. But we’ve rectified it. Or, perhaps it’s better to say we’re working on rectifying it.”

“Jessica, how does that make you feel?”

She smiled, “Doctor Green, you know my motivations for marrying him; they were hardly pure.”

“But do you agree with his assessment?”

“That given the circumstances at the time we shouldn’t have married? No; not from MY perspective. But it was certainly a mistake for Steve and Kara.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“Doc,” I interrupted. “I think you’ll find Jess and I are pretty much in agreement. It’s Kara you should worry about.”

He nodded, “You’re right. Kara? What do you think? And how does this discussion make you feel?”

Kara sighed deeply, “Sad. It just feels like they’re both saying we shouldn’t be together.”

“But the three of you are here, and you’re working on your relationship; diligently, and with some serious success, I might add.”

“Yes, but...” she stopped as a tear ran down her cheek. “It just seems like revisionist history. None of us thought that back then! We all thought we were doing the right thing!” She continued, exasperated, “And, Steve, aren’t you doing the very thing you say you’ll never do? Asking ‘What if?’?”

“No, Honey, I’m not,” I said gently. “I’m evaluating my actions and trying to learn a lesson from them. Examining my own motives and feelings isn’t playing ‘What if?’. I never said anything about what I’d do if I had to do it over, because you know I believe I’d do the exact same thing. We always look at what we’ve done, and the results, and try to learn and grow.”

“Kara,” Doctor Green said softly, “Could you expand on what you said? Tell us why it bothers you so much to hear what Steve and Jessica said?”

“It just seems like they’re resigning themselves to a bad situation. They think they made a terrible mistake and now they have to live with it. I don’t agree! And I’m afraid that thinking will lead us to another split!”

And THAT was the crux of the matter. It wasn’t what had happened, in and of itself, but fear for what that kind of thinking would lead to in the future.

“You believe admitting our mistakes is a bad idea?” I asked.

“I don’t like you calling it a mistake, Steve. It makes everything after that seem like a house built on sand.”

I knew the Biblical verse she was referring to - Matthew 7:24-27.

“I’m not sure that’s true, Kara. Think about the context of that verse. It’s one I’ve read many times. Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.

“I think those verses are speaking to us about our marriage. Obviously, that’s not the original context, but if you read past the words, what is Jesus saying? Is he condemning those who built their house on sand to hell? Or is he, rather, telling them to build anew, but this time on rock, so they can withstand the storms which are sure to come?”

Kara smiled through her tears, “I always like listening to you explain the Bible. It’s so different from what I was taught when I was raised.”

“Kent van der Meer is no ‘Man of God’,” I said. “He’s nothing but a charlatan and a fake.”

“Who’s that?” Doctor Green asked.

“Kara’s former pastor. I don’t think we ever mentioned his name, but we told you about what he said at her father’s funeral.”

Doctor Green nodded grimly, “Any rabbi who spoke like that would be fired instantly by his congregation. Even the Orthodox rabbis are not so harsh!”

“Are you Reformed, Doctor?” I asked.