Chapter 33: Joie de Vivre

February 18, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

“How was your first week?”

“Crazy!” Amanda laughed. “Your kids are nothing short of amazing, but all seven of them are a real handful! And when their friends visit? It’s a complete madhouse!”

“Imagine what it was like for Abbie and Veronica who were live-in!”

Amanda smiled, “Well, according to Abbie the fringe benefits of living here were worth it!”

“Abbie talks too much!” I chuckled.

“You said that before!”

“No trouble with the kids?”

Amanda shook her head, “Nope. I had a few minor issues with Marta, but that was because I can’t speak a word of Swedish! But Pia helped. You’ve known her a long time?”

“I met her the summer of ‘79.”

“I was three!” Amanda smirked.

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in. Someday you’ll be old, too!”

“Is it OK to ask how old you are?”

“I’ll turn 31 in April.”

“Nah, you aren’t old yet!” she giggled.

“Thanks, I think!” I laughed. “See you on Monday morning?”

“You bet!”

As she walked out of the kitchen, Pia walked in to help make dinner.

“Ready to go home?” I asked.

“I think Marta is ready to stay with Jesse,” she laughed. “I suppose it runs in the family!”

“She’s lucky Jesse and Francesca are sort of on the outs at the moment!”

“So Jesse doesn’t take after his dad, then?”

“I think Jesse would LOVE to take after his dad, but the girls he likes most, Francesca, Marta, and Larisa all seem to prefer more conventional arrangements!”

“The same as Sofia, Karin, and I all wanted, but that’s not you, and never has been you. Perhaps if somehow you’d avoided your friend Melanie, things might have been different.”

“Who knows?”

“I didn’t see Jessica come in.”

“She has an overnight shift tonight. She has to observe PGY1s during their long shifts.”

“Those horrible shifts! I can’t believe anyone thinks that’s a good idea!”

“Join the club,” I said. “Anyway, she’ll be home tomorrow morning. Is there anything specific you and Marta want to do before you leave on Sunday afternoon?”

“Not really. We’ve done our sightseeing and shopping during the week. And you and I have spent every afternoon together. All in all, it’s been a really good week. When do you think you’ll get to Sweden again?”

“Possibly next year. We’re trying to plan a family trip to Russia and if we do that, one idea is to stop in Sweden for a couple of days either on the way or on the way home.”

“Stockholm?”

“I think this time it might be Göteborg instead. Only Karin and her family are in Stockholm. I talked to her and she and Kristian are willing to travel to Göteborg.”

“Excellent. Perhaps Harry will be over from the UK. I’d like you to meet him.”

“I’d like that.”

Pia helped me finish making dinner, and once the family had eaten and cleaned up the kitchen, we all agreed on a sauna. After the sauna, I asked Jennifer, Elyse, and Kara to have tea with me in the ‘Indian’ room.

“What’s the significance of the three of us without Jessica?” Elyse asked when we sat down. “Shouldn’t we wait for her?”

“Actually, no. The three of you, plus Bethany, are constantly telling me that I need to have dalliances to stay «lagom», but none of you have ever articulated a reason, other than it’s who I am. And you give me grief for limiting myself to my wives and Michelle.”

The girls looked at each other, and then back at me. Elyse spoke first.

“I’m not sure the reasons now are the same as they were in the past,” she said. “Before, somehow, they kept your mood swings from being too extreme.”

“Except when they were a result of mood swings,” Jennifer added. “And I was one of the main causes of those.”

“Yes, but even so, sex had a calming, mellowing effect on him,” Elyse continued. “More than most guys, I think, though I’m not exactly an authority on that given my limited number of partners.”

Kara laughed, “Jennifer and I have had exactly one male partner each! So four is significantly more!”

“Well, yes,” Elyse laughed. “But four’s not really that many, and I do talk to my friends! And it is true it has a calming effect.”

“So you’re comparing it to a drug?” I asked.

“I suppose. Didn’t Doctor Mercer and Bethany call it ‘self-medication’?”

“Yes,” I said. “But that was before the change to my diet.”

“Yes it was,” Jennifer said. “And now I think it’s partly a pattern, and to be honest, partly something you like very much. I believe Kara compared you to a vampire!”

The girls all giggled.

“I said he needed his dose of virgin blood every year!” Kara insisted. “I never called him a vampire!”

“And you think that’s still true?” I asked.

“I think you like being with new girls and I don’t think it hurts me in any way,” Kara said.

“But just because I like it doesn’t mean I should act on it,” I said. “That’s a topic I’ve discussed at length with Samantha and Michelle, and not just about sex.”

“Who does it hurt?” Jennifer asked.

“Michelle, potentially,” I said. “And I knew that when I slept with her the first time and when she came home.”

“I’ve talked at length with her,” Elyse said. “And so did Abbie before she left. Abbie and I agree Michelle’s desire to be a mom will overcome her desire to be with you and only ever with you.”

“I think that’s right,” Kara said. “I wasn’t sure before, but I am now. One day, she’ll come ask you to find a husband for her.”

I shook my head, “That is NOT my job.”

“Oh yes it is,” Jennifer said firmly. “Once you went to her bed, and especially after you brought her home to live with you, you accepted that responsibility whether you realized it or not.”

“Wonderful,” I sighed.

“Why are you sighing?” Kara asked. “The matches you’ve made have worked out perfectly! Josh and Mary. Jeri and Howard. Jake and Joyce. Samantha and Brian. Katt and Mikael. And especially Stephanie and Ed.”

“I suppose,” I said grudgingly.

“Don’t let Michelle, or anyone else for that matter, dictate your actions,” Elyse said. “I’m not saying don’t take into account their feelings, but don’t let them dictate. If you go submissive, all hell will break loose. SOMEBODY has to be in charge of this circus!”

“You three do realize that I was the one who gave up the dalliances, on my own, before Jessica asked, right? And that she released me from that agreement once we started making love again?”

“And why did she do that?” Kara asked. “Because she agrees with me that if it makes you happy, you should do it. It doesn’t hurt either of us.”

“That’s just it; I’m not sure ‘happiness’ is the right way to judge actions.”

“There are times when you are too coldly logical,” Jennifer said. “You’re never, ever going to be a romantic, and honestly, with the exception of Kara, none of us have much use for that kind of thing, but you don’t show enough emotion. Well, that’s not quite true. You show it when you lose something. Otherwise, you’re Commander Data.”

“But I am fully functional and I’m programmed in multiple techniques. A broad variety of pleasuring!” I teased, quoting ‘The Naked Now’, an episode of TNG.

“We know THAT!” Jennifer laughed. “From personal experience! And I do take it back; you show emotion to Jesse and Birgit, and to a lesser extent the other kids. And for ice hockey. But not for anything else. You’re stoic, almost mechanical.”

“Bethany isn’t here to give us a proper diagnosis,” Elyse said. “But fundamentally, your mom messed you up and you built a defensive shell that’s every bit as thick as Jessica’s armor. And you two have the same exact problem. No emotion.”

“Shit,” I sighed. “So what? I should get all emotional and go on a rampage screwing every girl in sight?”

“And here I thought ‘Drama Queen Steve’ was dead and buried,” Jennifer laughed. “I guess not.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I was exaggerating for effect.”

“I think there are a couple of things you need to do,” she said. “Work on being less Commander Data and more Captain Picard.”

“Not Kirk?” I chuckled.

“No,” she said with a smile. “You want controlled passion, like Picard. It fits, because you both have a thing for certain redheads!”

We all laughed.

“Just so long as you don’t compare me to Wesley!” I chuckled.

“Go to her door! Beg like a human!” Elyse declared, doing her best to imitate Worf’s gruff voice.

“I don’t think Steve has ever had to beg,” Kara giggled. “It’s more like we girls who come to him and beg!”

“Go on, Jen,” I said with a grin. “Ignore those two!”

“What I mean by that is that you should keep a steady hand on the helm, but take time to enjoy what life has to offer. You haven’t sought out new girls for a long time, and I’m not suggesting you start. But don’t foreclose the possibility.”

“I think Jennifer is right,” Kara said. “I’d like to see you be a bit more romantic. I think it would be good for Jess to see that. Everything with her has been a business transaction. Make it about true passion. And I’m not talking about in bed. You have that nailed, so to speak.”

The girls giggled again.

“She has a point,” Elyse said. “I remember when we used to cuddle in the bay windows at the apartment. Those were special times. You do that with your daughters now, though obviously it’s a different kind of relationship.”

“To a point,” Jennifer said. “Remember the dichotomy of intimacy and sex. He’s very intimate with Birgit just as he is with me. And there’s no sex involved at all. Just as he’s intimate with Samantha now. I think the bottom line is that so much of what he does is mechanical because of who and what he is. And that’s a product of his home life growing up. Add in the whole situation with Stephanie, and I think you can see the genesis of the problem.”

“I really think you’re onto something, Jen,” Elyse said. “He needs more passion, and I don’t mean sex. Even karate, something he very much enjoys, is about mechanically performing. Jorge showed us the difference between simply doing dance steps according to a pattern and actually dancing with passion.”

I nodded, “Which is part of the reason Sensei is sending me to Japan. I can do all the kata and all the strikes and kicks with technical precision, but it is all pretty much mechanical.”

“You’re a programmer through and through - each step in the program is executed just like a computer. How would Fawn sound if she played mechanically, instead of from her heart.”

I grinned, “Like she was playing mechanically.”

“That’s how you’re approaching life.”

“So why continue the failed pattern?” I asked.

“Nobody said to do that,” Kara said. “When was your last truly passionate affair?”

“You’re not counting Michelle?”

“No, because that’s not the character of that relationship.”

“Hmm. I guess I’d say Abbie, though I’m not sure if that’s what you mean.”

“No, I was thinking more like Jacquelyn or Kimmy. Liz would have been, but you shut that one down. Even your dalliances have been mechanical.”

“They have, haven’t they?” I said, nodding slowly in agreement.

“Yes.”

“So?” I asked.

“It’s time for Steve Adams to develop joie de vivre,” Jennifer said. “I don’t think you’ve really had it since I moved to Seattle. Well, there were flashes here and there, but they were few and far between.”

“So after fifteen years of trying to get me to be less dramatic, you’re asking me to be more dramatic?”

Jennifer smiled, “You might have overcorrected with help from us. Find a balance.”

“«Lagom»,” I said.

“Yes. Remember; Picard not Data.”

“A reasonable point,” I said.

“It no longer takes repeated beatings to get you to see the light,” Elyse said with a smile.

“Yes, but putting the lesson into action isn’t simple,” I said. “I’m not even sure I know how to do it at this point.”

“Perhaps take a lesson from your kids,” Jennifer said. “You’ve seen Jesse’s pure joy when Nicholas moved here, when you two talk about Russia, when Marta arrived, and when he gets a shutout.”

“And Birgit,” Kara said. “Although for her, joie de vivre starts with being your daughter! But her approach to life is more carefree. Yours is too serious. I bet if you ask her, she’ll tell you.”

“That’s JUST what I need,” I chuckled. “A lecture on how to live my life from my not-quite-six-year-old daughter!”

“The innocence of youth,” Elyse said. “Life can be happy when you have very few cares! We adults have to work at it.”

“That almost sounds contradictory,” I protested.

“I thought you covered all of this ground with Anala.”

I nodded, “I did, but I suppose some of the lessons have been lost in the busyness of my life.”

“Well, it’s time to stop and smell the roses,” Kara said. “Have some FUN.”

I smiled, “I’ll try.”

“That is, in the end, all we can do, as you always like to say.”

I nodded, and we finished our tea and went to join the rest of the family.

February 19, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

Saturday, after class, Mitsuko asked to talk to me. She’d ended up sparring with Therese, and had shown surprise when Sensei had given that instruction.

“I’m very disappointed,” Mitsuko said, looking like she was pouting.

“Me too,” I said. “But the doctors pretty much prohibited me from sparring.”

“How does that affect your status?”

“It doesn’t change much of anything. Promotion at this point is more about spiritual progress and mental discipline than it is about sparring.”

“So you’ll still go to Japan?”

“Yes. Sensei Jim already spoke to Sensei Hiro and Sensei Robert about my situation. They both agreed there was no impediment.”

“Good! But I really liked the challenge of trying to beat you. Now I won’t have a chance to show you.”

“I’m really sorry. I wish it was otherwise.”

“Perhaps you can make it up to me,” she said with a silly smile. “Let me stow away in your bag to Japan!”

“As we said at lunch, I don’t think we’d get you past Customs and Immigration in Tokyo!”

“Then we’ll find another way!” she giggled. “Can we have lunch together on Thursday?”

“Sure,” I said. “At Medici?”

“Yes! See you at 11:30am?”

“Absolutely!”

She smiled, gave me a quick hug, and left the dojo. Kara and Michelle were waiting to walk home. Jessica had come home from her shift just before we left, and had gone straight to bed. At home, the three of us took turns using Michelle’s shower so as not to disturb Jessica, then went downstairs for lunch.

“You seem to have your stamina back,” Michelle said.

“Yes. I’m finally running my usual distance, though not quite as fast as before. That was really the key to everything. For karate, it was just getting back into the flow of lessons. Next month I’ll start going four or five times a week again.”

“Mitsuko looked quite unhappy,” Kara said.

“As we suspected she’d be. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her that I wasn’t permitted to spar, so she was surprised and disappointed when Sensei asked Therese to spar with her. I’m having lunch with her on Thursday. She did ask me to hide her in my suitcase for my trip to Japan. She hasn’t been there since she was little.”

Kara laughed, “If that isn’t an invitation, I don’t know what is!”

“Yes, yes, you’re very smart,” I chuckled, quoting The Princess Bride. “I know we talked last night, but I have other more important things on my plate at the moment. Let’s get through Jesse’s birthday, Michelle’s birthday, my trips to Los Angeles and Pittsburgh, the lawsuit, and our trip to Vermont.”