Chapter 1: Vows

August 18, 1993, Ellwood City, Pennsylvania

I stood in stunned silence, not sure how I could, or should, respond to Michelle’s request to take her home. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Was she serious? Was she thinking of leaving? Had she decided to leave? Was she being ASKED to leave? What did she mean by home? Did she mean my home? The mind boggled.

And then it went blank, short-circuiting completely, unable to process anything. Even my autonomous functions seemed to cease - breathing, heartbeat, the works. I felt dizzy, sagged into the chair, and forced myself to take a breath. That seemed to restart my systems, at least enough to not pass out. After a second forced breath, I regained enough control of my conscious mind to speak. Or so I thought.

“I ... uhm ... well ... uhm ... you have to explain, please.”

“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you tongue-tied,” she said softly.

I nodded and took a couple of breaths, allowing the shock to work its way through my system, and my thought processes to begin anew. Hopefully without another short-circuit.

“What’s going on?” I asked, regaining at least a semblance of clear thinking.

“I want you to take me home with you. Today.”

“Why?”

“Would you pray with me before I answer?”

I nodded and we recited the ‘Jesus Prayer’ together.

‘Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.‘

“I don’t belong here,” Michelle said after we completed the prayer. “I belong with you.”

My body threatened to betray me once again. I was afraid I’d completely short circuit and the next thing I’d see would be the inside of a hospital trauma room. I gripped the arms of the chair and willed my body to return to normal. I forced several shallow breaths, and then a deeper one. I knew by all rights I should have passed out. I was fighting a bout of syncope and, so far, I was winning. But I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stave it off.

“Are you OK?” she asked.

I shook my head slowly, “I have a problem with syncope - fainting spells - when I receive shocking or surprising news. I think this qualifies as shocking.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you ill.”

“You didn’t,” I said trying to reassure her. “This is just how my body works. It kind of short-circuits at times. It hasn’t happened in close to two years.”

“I’m sorry,” Michelle said, sounding sad. “Will you take me home?”

“Would you sit so we can talk, please?”

Michelle nodded and sat in a chair that faced mine.

“It’s really a long story,” she sighed. “But in the end, I can’t stay here. I’ve talked to Mother Christophora at length. She’s not sending me away, but she agrees that it’s probably best for me to go.”

“Why?” I asked, both knowing and fearing the answer.

“I’m in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you. I’ll always be in love you.”

“And that prevents you from heeding your calling?”

Michelle smiled, “I no longer think it’s my calling. In fact, I don’t think it ever was. It was me trying to escape the world for my own reasons, not because I had a calling. It seemed to me the perfect refuge, but I discovered I can’t hide from myself.”

“That’s very much the case,” I agreed. “Do we have a time limit to talk here?”

“No.”

I wanted to take her for a walk in the gardens, but in the monastic garb that was impossible without giving offense or causing scandal. It would be a serious violation of protocol, despite her being only a novice.

“Tell me the story, please.”

“Well, you know it up to the point where you put me on the plane. When I arrived, I put on the cassock and scarf. My previous visit had been sufficient to convince Mother that I was a possible candidate. We had lengthy talks the first few days, and then she gave me a rule about silence. I didn’t speak, except in confession or to the bishop when he visited and spoke to me first, for three months. When he was here, I spoke less than ten words.

Those three months were, perhaps, the most amazing time of my life. I had only myself and God to communicate with. Rather than drive me crazy, it gave me near total peace. I didn’t have to worry about anything other than saying my prayers silently, doing whatever tasks were assigned to me, attending daily services, and reading the Bible. At the end of those three months, I was given a rule that let me speak when spoken to.

“From that point, I began to truly integrate into the life here. But always, nagging in the back of my mind, was doubt. Do you remember the Princess Bride?”

I nodded, “Yes.”

“Then you remember that when Westley said ‘As you wish.’ to Buttercup, he was saying ‘I love you.’ Well, every time I wrote ‘Please pray for me. I will pray for you.’ I was writing ‘I love you.’ And when you wrote back, I read your words that way. And I knew you meant it. But for you, it was «agape» love. I think I know what that means now. But I think I discovered something else. And that is the linkage between «agape», «eros», and «phileo».

“You see, when you told me about them, I felt there was something missing. It was while I was working in silence here that I figured it out. And that is how you love Kara and Jessica. It’s all three. Yes, you’ve made a decision, but it’s all three that keeps you together with them. And I feel all of those for you, and I believe you do for me, as well. In fact, I’m quite sure of it.”

She was sure. Right now I couldn’t be sure of a damned, well, ‘blessed’, given the place I was sitting, thing. But she also didn’t know about Jessica. I wondered if that would change her thinking, and if it did, HOW would it change her thinking? The mind boggled. Fortunately, this time, I didn’t short circuit. I paid attention to my breathing and kept myself in touch with the world around me.

“Some things have changed,” I said softly. “Jessica left us. I’ve called it a temporary separation, but I don’t know if she’s ever coming back.”

“What?!” Michelle gasped. “Why?”

I shook my head, “I wish I really knew. She’s had some serious problems in her life and she seems to have decided the best approach is a...”

Then it hit me. With the exception of Jorge, Jessica was living a near-monastic life. My head spun. What was I missing? What was the linkage? Something was there to be grasped. What? I didn’t know, but I was sure my subconscious would work through it and an answer would float to the surface.

“Steve?” Michelle said gently, snapping me back to the here and now.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about a weird parallel. There’s something there, but I can’t figure it out. Please don’t ask right now. Go on with your story.”

“Once I had made that linkage in my mind, I did my best to try to suppress my feelings. Mother did her best to help me, as did the priest in confession, and the other nuns. I’m not the only one struggling with attachment to the outside world. For others, it’s different things. For me, it was you.”

“Because of what happened in Chicago?” I asked.

Michelle smiled, “Even if that had never happened. We were intimate long before you came to my bed. I was in love with you long before that. Long before the assault. Do you know when it started?”

“No, but I’ll guess. The Rap Session.”

She giggled, “Yes, but not THAT one! The day I held your hand in the sauna was when I knew. But it started the very first time I met you at the very first Rap Session I attended the previous Fall.”

“You’re sure it wasn’t a crush?” I asked gently.

“Maybe at first. But then I got to know you. To REALLY know you. And you got to know me. And then we KNEW each other!”

“Yes.”

“Anyway, through all the prayers, services, bible reading, silence, and eventually, talking, one truth kept coming to the forefront. And that was that I loved you. And I decided, finally, to stop running away from my fears. To stop running away from the world. To stop running away from myself. To stop running away from you.”

“But my circumstances...”

Michelle smiled, “Behold, your handmaiden. Do with me what you will!”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. And by the look in her eyes, I knew that’s what she intended.

“That’s the ONE thing I CAN’T do for you,” I chuckled. “Unless it happens the same way it did 2000 years ago!”

“I’m glad you can still laugh at my silly jokes.”

“Does the abbess know I’m married?” I asked.

Michelle shook her head, “I never revealed that to her, or about your children, or anything else about you. This was about me, and had to be about me. It was never about you.”

“So when I take you home, then what?”

“I called the University and I can still enroll in classes. I have a week or so to decide. And I can always wait a quarter if I want to without any trouble.”

“And the scholarship?”

“Would still be valid. But I’m not sure what I want to do, so I would take the core requirements, then figure it out.”

“Is that what you WANT?” I asked.

She shook her head, “No. You know what I want! And wipe that silly grin off your face, please! This is a place of God!”

I did my best to compose myself, but it wasn’t easy.

“According to Orthodoxy,” I said carefully, “every place is a place of God. That’s why some Russians hang black cloths over the icons in their bedrooms before they have marital relations!”

“No way!” she gasped.

“It’s really a superstition, rather than a proper Orthodox practice, but some certainly do.”

“So, will you take me home?”

“Yes. And that’s where we’ll start.”

“Thank you. I’d hug and kiss you but...”

“Not in those vestments!” I said a bit more sharply than I should have.

Michelle smiled and nodded, “Correct. Let me go to talk to Mother. She knew what I was going to ask you. You could go walk in the garden. It’s probably going to be at least an hour.”

I smiled and Michelle left the room. I walked out and saw a sign for the chapel and decided to go there, at least at first. I walked into the icon-covered nave, made the proper metania and kissed the icon of the Venerable John of Rila which was on the stand. I stepped further in and closed my eyes, allowing the strong scent of incense to fill my nostrils.

As I stood there, I thought about what Michelle had said about running away from the world, from herself, and from me. Was THAT what Jessica was doing? I remembered what Jorge had said - I think she’s so afraid she’s screwed up badly with you, with Kara, that she’s retreated into her inner sanctum. Was that it? Was the entire point of my trip to the monastery to show me that simple truth? Was THAT Michelle’s true role in my life? To help me get Jessica back?

If Jorge was right, then it changed the picture I had, and might change the picture which Kara had. But it didn’t do anything to get Jessica back. And, as had been pointed out to me in the past, identifying the true problem was the first step to solving it. I’d need to talk to Jorge again, and this time actually listen to what the man said!

So many times Jorge had provided good counsel and I had usually listened. In this case, I had fixated on an answer to the issues and discarded all others. In a way, that was similar to uncritically accepting someone else’s view. Or my own views. I needed to reevaluate everything in light of what Michelle had said and what Jorge had said.

I was lost in my thoughts when I felt a presence. I looked over and saw a family - husband, wife, two kids - come into the nave and stand quietly. That was sufficient to disturb my thoughts, so I said the ‘Jesus Prayer’, kissed the icon, performed a metania, and left the chapel. I walked outside into the garden and found a small, shaded bench in a secluded corner.

My life had just become far more complicated. I was tempted to go to the car and get my cell phone, but I was positive there was no service here. Even had there been, this seemed to be a decision I had to make and a situation I had to deal with. Yes, it would affect Kara; yes, it would somewhat disrupt the household; yes, it created all kinds of potential issues. But if she was going to leave the monastery, it made sense to come back to the place she’d left from to go there.

It seemed very clear from our brief conversation so far what Michelle wanted from me. I had to figure out what I could reasonably give her, and then, what I WANTED to give her. And avoid making Kara unhappy. The one thing I had to make sure I did was control my «eros» feelings for Michelle, which were sure to return, escaping from the area in my mind to which I’d banished them. But that was a problem for tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the one after that.

The problem for today was taking Michelle home. I needed to call Barney and get her a ticket, but the flights usually weren’t full. If they were, then we’d probably have to stay the night. And that meant two hotel rooms for sure, as I was not going to take any risks. The next question was whether to call home and tell them, or simply show up with Michelle. I saw benefits of both approaches, and as I thought about it, the best approach was to simply show up with her.

If I called, Kara would ask questions for which I didn’t yet have any answers, and would likely worry until we arrived home and the two of us could talk. If we simply showed up unannounced, it would be a shock, but I’d have all the time I needed to talk to Kara, and, more importantly, have more time to talk to Michelle and more time to think things through myself.

I closed my eyes, and simply relaxed and tried to clear my mind. I wasn’t going to solve the problems today, and until I had a long talk with Michelle - actually, more likely, several long talks - I wasn’t going to be able to figure anything out. The same was true for Kara. I pushed all of that out of my mind, and simply focused on the beauty and quiet of the garden. Eventually, the image burned into my mind, I closed my eyes to continue in deep thought.