Chapter 18: Love Isn’t Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough)

December 14, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“That’s a very interesting insight,” Kara said as we came back to the house. “She cares about her patients.”

“Exactly. And she shows it in ways Al never has. He’ll walk up to a patient or their family and simply tell them the diagnosis and the possible treatments and outcomes. It’s just who he is, and it’s why he often leaves that task to Attendings and Residents. Jessica actually takes their emotions into account. And that’s something to build on.”

“Wow,” Kara said as we went into the house. “A chink in the armor?”

“I think so,” I said. “I’d kill for a sauna right now.”

“In two weeks, Snuggle Bear! Just be patient.”

“Easy for you to say!” I groused. “You can use the sauna and the whirlpool! Let’s make some tea and then sit in my study so we have some privacy.”

We went to the kitchen and I made a pot of tea that Kara carried, with mugs, to my study.

“The more I think about all of this, the more I begin to understand what’s going on here,” I said. “While the trigger for her first breakdown was the situation with Carla and Rachel, the real issue was that she was finding it harder and harder to keep up the façade. She finally cracked, and ran away. When you and the other girls forced her to come back, and she agreed to counseling, it was because she wanted to be ‘Doctor Jessica’, and needed a find a way to restore her armor. That’s what Maine did for her. By revealing her secrets, minus the one with Doctor Barton, she could, in effect, play both sides, one against each other. She could use the openness about her past as proof, if you will, of her commitment, while figuring out how to fix the armor.

“Once she figured out how to fix it, and had secured the Fellowship, staying with us was too risky. She needed distance because you and I relentlessly tried to get past the armor to the real Jessica. Nobody else did. Well, I suppose Kathy and Kurt, to a point, but Jess didn’t open up to them as much as she should have. Heck, she didn’t even really open up to Alicia or Gina, and they were her closest friends at the hospital. So in order to eliminate the risk, she used the situation with my sister as a pretext.”

“And Jorge wasn’t a threat to her façade?”

I smiled, “No. He was so used to being used that had he noticed he wouldn’t have cared. I personally think Trish was the best thing that ever happened to him. She wasn’t using him. But my sister sure used him. And, in a sense, so did Cindi. And I heard other stories from him, as well. He was enamored with Jess, and I suspect, eventually, she might have worn down his resistance.”

“And then what?”

I shrugged, “I’m not sure. Maybe she would have decided he was a better option and divorced us. But in the meantime, she had access to her kids and that kept up appearances. It’s both funny and sad, but society will, in many instances, forgive men for emotionally neglecting their kids so long as they pay child support. Women don’t get a pass like that. To be respected, Jessica HAD to find a way to see the kids, but she couldn’t keep coming here. That was too risky. It’s why she would never engage in conversation with me after she left, except for about my health or very specific things that needed to be resolved, such as insurance.”

“You have a theory, I can tell!” Kara said.

“She knew she had emotional feelings for me, maybe even love, though I’m not sure she knows what that is given her life history. And those feelings were a mortal threat to ‘Doctor Jessica’, or at least the image of ‘Doctor Jessica’ that Jess had in her mind. If she actually loved me, then she’d have to take my needs into account when she made her decisions. The same goes for you and the kids. Same problem.”

“So by using Jorge, and seeing the kids on the weekend, for a short time, she could split the difference and not be too emotionally involved, yet be involved.”

“Which is why the kids felt Jess was unhappy and out of sorts,” I said. “It was a massive internal conflict for her. She wanted to cut and run, but she couldn’t, because that would mean sacrificing her idealized view of ‘Doctor Jessica’. And guess who THAT reminds me of?”

Kara smiled, “You. With Birgit; the Swedish one, I mean.”

“Exactly. What is it that I keep saying? Life taught me all those hard lessons for a reason. I think I know what’s going on now. And our way forward, assuming Jess is interested.”

“Where does it lead? And what about Michelle?”

“Well, if we assume, for the sake of argument, that Jessica wants to fix this, it’s going to take a long time. We can’t, because of you, simply invite her back to our bed. You have to be comfortable with doing that before we can even consider it. I think inviting her back so quickly was one mistake we made last time, though I don’t know that we could have done anything differently.”

“No, we couldn’t. She seemed to be making an effort, and we had to take her at face value. Not this time.”

“No, not this time,” I agreed. “So that means she’s going to need her own room, at least in the short-term. We do have one potential issue to discuss before tomorrow night.”

“Christmas?”

I chuckled, “You do realize we’re doing the ‘old married couple’ thing where we could complete each other’s sentences!”

Kara giggled, “We’re not old yet!”

“True. I have a very strong suspicion that Jessica will ‘pull a Kara’ on Christmas morning.”

Kara giggled again, “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Yes; for you. But she is not you. With you, there were no conditions on either side, and we both understood it for what it was. Surprisingly, actually.”

“We still loved each other,” Kara said. “And you had read my letter. I think you would need to have some sort of understanding with Jessica before you could contemplate it. But why do you think she’ll ask?”

“It’s been eight months, and she couldn’t, despite her best efforts, entice Jorge to her bed. But that’s only part of it. The other part is that I suspect she sees it as a way to control or manipulate me.”

“Which explains your reticence. But if you were to turn her down, it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“Yes. That wouldn’t have been the case with you if I had said ‘no’ to you that Christmas. I think we still would have been able to move forward, though it might have been more difficult. But that’s idle speculation. I could see doing it if she’s truly committed to fixing things.”

“A reward?” Kara asked.

“I suppose that’s a shorthand way to refer to where my mind is trying to go. But also, to help her avoid temptation. She obviously had it with regard to Jorge. And no, I’m not saying she isn’t free to do that, but I don’t want her to do it because she has an itch she needs scratched, and later regret it. It would be like if you and Kurt were to get together.”

“Because it would violate the one core value I’ve had since I was very little - to only ever be with one man.”

“Which brings us to Michelle. She has the same problem. The challenge for her is that to keep that particular value, she has to give up on the idea of being a mother.”

“Didn’t she do that when she went to the monastery?”

I smiled, “As I said, ‘old married couple’! Yes, she did. And she came back to me knowing exactly what the situation was. She cannot have a child by me. And she asked me to bring her home knowing that. So I’d say she’s here until the end, barring some Abbie-like change. And I don’t see that. She’s too much like you.”

“So assuming she’s permanent, how do we resolve this in the long term? It’s easy in the short term - we just keep doing what we’re doing. But if things are restored with Jessica, do we push Michelle out?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question,” I said. “But the key is complete honesty and openness. And we figure out a way forward together. You, Jess, Michelle, and me. We can talk to Michelle after tomorrow’s dinner. Did you say anything to her about that?”

“Yes. She totally understands it’s our anniversary. I wondered if you might want to include her as you did Samantha.”

“Going forward, but not this time. This one is going to make or break our trio. It just needs to be us.”

“I agree. There is one other thing that Bethany and Jennifer mentioned to me that we need to worry about.”

“What’s that?”

“Survivor’s guilt,” Kara said.

I nodded, “Al and I talked about that in a kind of round-about way. You think she’ll blame herself for walking out?”

“Yes. If you look at the sequence of events, it’s clear that in her mind her desire to be ‘Doctor Jessica’ killed Jorge.”

“A very good point,” I replied. “And one that’s going to be difficult for her to overcome. I’m also concerned about Trish’s reaction to Jessica. Have they talked at all since Jorge died?”

“I don’t think so. But would you like to hear something that’s a bit sad but also very uplifting?”

“Sure.”

“Henry asked Trish on a date and she said ‘yes’. With Gaby’s blessing.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “She figured out what Red finally did about Stephie.”

“Maybe. She passed the Bar and I guess suddenly life became real. And then Jorge died and she decided life was too short.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed. “Birgit. Stephie. Nick. Jorge.”

“But remember what your dad said to us?”

I smiled briefly, “To count our blessings, not our losses.”

“Yes. And now you need to rest. We just spent over an hour talking about very intense topics. Are you OK?”

“Yes. But I’ll do as you say because you’re going to tell Al Barton it’s OK for me to go to LA and Pittsburgh, even though you would prefer I didn’t!”

Kara giggled, “You know I love you, Snuggle Bear. If you promise to rest, I’ll say ‘yes’.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I’m going to go find some miniature humans to cuddle!”

Kara laughed and we went to the sunroom to hang out with the kids.

December 15, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Happy anniversary!” Elyse, Abbie, and Jennifer said as they brought our food to the special table they’d set up in the sunroom.

“Thank you very much,” I answered. “We all appreciate you doing this for us.”

“Jesse, Matthew, Birgit, and the other kids will bring dessert and some presents later,” Abbie said.

“Thanks,” I said, knowing it was useless to protest gifts from the kids which I was sure Abbie, Elyse, and Jennifer had helped them select.

The girls left the sunroom, closing the door behind them. Jessica, Kara, and I began eating.

“How are you feeling today?” Jessica asked.

“Good,” I said. “Other than the afternoon nap and reduced exercise, I feel normal. I need to run again, and go to karate, but Al won’t let me do that until after New Year’s.”

“Even then, you have to take it one step at a time and slowly ramp up. You can’t just go back to running three to five miles a day and practicing karate four or five times a week.”

“I know,” I said.

“Also, you should probably give up any idea of skydiving again. The opening shock from the parachute is too risky.”

“I know,” I said. “I don’t have time, anyway, with everything else. It’s a pretty serious commitment of time if I was going to do it.”

“You probably also shouldn’t spar,” she said.

“Jess,” Kara said softly. “Not now. And really, that’s between Steve and his doctors.”

Jessica took a deep breath and let it out, “Sorry.”

“I suppose this is the time to ask you what you decided,” I said.

Jessica was quiet and took a bite of her meal, then a sip of her water.

“I need you; both of you. I don’t want to, but I do. That’s probably not the best motivation.”

“Jess, I don’t care what your motivation is, so long as it’s YOUR motivation, and not someone forcing you into the relationship.”

“That’s just it,” she sighed, “I am forced. By my needs and goals.”

“We could all say we were compelled by our needs and goals,” I said. “The question is, are you simply going to use us like you’ve used every single person in your life since you were six?”

“Steve!” Kara reprimanded me sharply.

“It’s OK, Kara,” Jessica said. “He’s tired, and rightly so, of pussyfooting around. I did use both of you. And Jorge. And my dad. Everyone.”

“Babe,” I said softly, “you admitting that, and internalizing it, is how we start to rebuild this train wreck.”

“I’ve wrecked every relationship in my life,” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“So resolve, today, to work on fixing them. But that means letting down your armor. It means being vulnerable.”

“But Doctor Jessica can’t be vulnerable!” she protested.

“And what makes her so fucking special?” I asked fiercely. “How is she different from Samantha? Or Jeri? Or me? Or Bethany? Or any of the other successful people we know? I have news for you. You are NOT special. At least not the way you think.”

“Steve,” Kara said, touching my arm.

I shook my head, “No, Kara. She needs to get it through that thick skull of hers that she’s not Commander Data, she’s Doctor Crusher. Cool and collected when she’s the doctor; passionate and vulnerable when she’s a mom or Picard’s lover.”

Kara giggled, then said, “Sorry, I was just thinking of Jennifer’s joke about that!”

“I missed that one,” I said.

“The Prime Directive isn’t the only thing I’ve violated while aboard this ship, Mr. Crusher!” Kara said in a deep voice, trying to mimic Patrick Stewart.

Jessica and I both laughed hard.

“Leave it to Jennifer,” I said, trying to control my laughter. “But I’m serious about that. And that’s something Jessica has to accept. She can’t BE the ‘Doctor Jessica’ she sees herself as and have successful relationships. They are simply not compatible. But guess what? She’s NOT the ‘Doctor Jessica’ she sees herself as.”

“What makes you say that?” Jessica asked.

“Do you remember what you told me about what it meant to be the best trauma surgeon in the world and bedside manner?”

“You mean back in Indianapolis?”

“Yes,” I smiled.

“That I didn’t have time for that kind of BS, just like my dad.”

“And yet...” I said, letting the comment hang in the air.

Jessica was silent for a moment, then said, “This is where you would tell Bethany you hate her, isn’t it?”

“Pretty much,” I grinned. “And I think that proves you CAN love, if only you would let your guard down. But getting you to do that is not my job, and it can’t be.”

“What?” Jessica asked. “Why?”

“Because after tonight, my job is to love you. You need professional help. Tell your counselor everything we’ve talked about this week. She’ll know what to do. The same goes for Doctor Green. Kara and I can support you, and we will, but you need to fix yourself before we can move forward as a trio, assuming that’s what you want.”