Chapter 17: Bedside Manner

December 13, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

On Monday morning I allowed Kimmy to run the leadership meeting without interruption. Except for the hiring, nothing out of the ordinary had happened while I’d been away. The main topic of discussion was the final BLS conversions. There were still a few fairly large stragglers that had not converted.

“What are we going to do about support?” my dad asked.

“Nothing,” Cindi said. “We’ve said, time and again, in letters, in the contracts, and by phone, that we aren’t providing support past the end of the year. We stopped making bug fixes about six months ago, and before that, we had only been fixing critical bugs since January.”

“If we keep supporting them, they’ll never convert,” I said. “This should come as no surprise to anyone. I’ll call each of the client contacts personally this week and remind them.”

“Are we really going to charge them full consulting rates to do the conversions after December 31?” Elyse asked.

I smiled, “I’m a man of my word. That is what I said would happen. I realize they may balk and decide to go with Lone Star, but I think we’ve been more than generous in giving them nineteen months to do the conversions. That said, I will make one concession. If they schedule the upgrade before the end of the year and complete it by the end of March, we’ll waive the consulting fees. That’s the carrot I’ll use when I speak to them. But it’s now or never. And I’ll make that clear on those calls. Cindi, I’d like a follow-up letter sent to each of those clients once I call them. Send it ‘Certified Mail’ so we can prove we told them.”

“You think one of them might try to sue us?” Julia asked.

“They’re lawyers!” I chuckled. “They have nothing better to do!”

Everyone laughed and we wrapped up the meeting. I spent some time with each of the leadership team individually to catch up, and just after 10:00am, I placed a call to Ben Jackson in Los Angeles.

“We were worried when you had to take time off again,” he said. “Long, unplanned absences by CEOs are not a good thing and don’t instill confidence.”

“It didn’t thrill me, either! Basically, it seems that once you have a concussion, it’s easier to get one again and recovery can be more difficult.”

“You had a previous concussion?”

“From a car accident. I stopped in time to avoid the wreck that happened in front of me and was hit, hard, from behind. One of my back seat passengers got the worst of it, but she’s OK. It took some time to recover from that because I had whiplash as well. Fortunately, the only issue I have is fatigue. There are no cognitive problems.”

“That’s good to hear! How is your wife?”

“Annoyed by the broken ankle, but otherwise doing fine. She’s been back to work for a few weeks.”

“Are you still planning to be in Los Angeles on the 20th?”

“I’m hoping to. I won’t get final clearance from my doctor until Friday. He’s not inclined to let me travel, but if this week goes well, maybe he will.”

“Let me know. I’ll buy you lunch.”

“Thanks, Ben. Let me give you my private number at home. You’re free to use it at any time.”

“Thanks,” he said.

I gave him the number and after we said ‘goodbye’ to each other, we hung up. I placed similar calls to Ned Jenkins and a few other key clients, though I didn’t share my home number with them. The last of the calls was to Ben van Hoek.

“I’m glad to hear you’re OK. Becky was very concerned about you.”

“Let her know I’m fine. How is she doing?”

“She’s pregnant again! Andy, Jr. just turned one!”

“Tell her, privately, congratulations.”

“I will. Are you going to be in Cincinnati anytime soon?”

“Probably not,” I said. “I can’t even drive until January. My doctors are very cautious.”

Ben laughed, “I can imagine. How is the rest of the family?”

“Jessica’s ankle is healing and she’s back to work. Kara is busy with her PhD work and teaching, and the kids are doing great.”

“If you’re going to be in town, give me a call.”

“Will do,” I promised.

We said our goodbyes and hung up, and I answered emails and handled papers in my ‘In’ box until Cindi brought me the list of BLS customers who hadn’t converted. We had a brief conversation, and I began making calls. I had some moderate success in that two of the six I called agreed to schedule their conversions in the first quarter of the next year. I was about to make the seventh call when Elyse appeared at my door and tapped her watch.

“I’m fine,” I protested.

“You won’t be if you don’t get out of that chair and go home!” Penny threatened.

“Penelope, you are a pain in my butt!” I replied. “And do NOT say what you were just thinking!”

Elyse and Penny both laughed, knowing full well what Penny was about to say. I kissed Penny’s cheek and reluctantly followed Elyse to her car so she could drive me home.

After lunch and a short nap, I went for my check up at the hospital. I was poked and prodded, and blood was drawn, and then I was sent to see Al Barton.

“I want to go to LA and Pittsburgh,” I said.

“We’ll talk on Friday afternoon. I’ll get reports from your dad, Elyse, and Kara before I make my final decision.”

“I think I’m beginning to regret appointing you to the Board of Directors,” I said with a smile.

“Any time you want my resignation, you can have it!” Al laughed. “But I know you won’t ask.”

“No, I won’t.”

“How’s Jess?”

“She joins us for meals, spends time with the kids, and talks to Abbie. I try to spend some time with her each day, but she uses my post-concussion syndrome to limit those talks.”

“You napped after work today?”

“Yes. I had lunch, took a nap, then came here. I’m feeling pretty good. I wasn’t tired at all at work. In fact, I felt energized for the first time in a month.”

Al smiled, “Is that the truth, or are you telling me what you think I want to hear so I’ll let you go to LA and Pittsburgh?”

“It’s the truth, Al! Honestly, I feel pretty much normal. You know how little sleep I used to function on, and that’s really the only abnormality - I sleep more. But I was doing that anyway, at least to some extent, because of my mild bipolar disorder. I promise if I go to LA, I’ll nap in the afternoon. And I’ll sleep on the plane. If you want to talk to Cindi or Charlie, they’ll be along on the trip. You know Cindi well enough to know she’s no pushover.”

Al laughed, “None of the women you work or live with are! Come see me Friday afternoon after your nap and we’ll decide what to do.”

“Thanks, Al. Any other changes?”

“No. Take your walks, take your naps, and limit how much you read, especially given your half days at the office. I’m happy with your progress, but temporary setbacks are pretty common in situations like this, especially if you push yourself too hard.”

“All because I missed grabbing the back of that damned chair,” I sighed.

“You might be shocked at the number of injuries like that we see. Everyone thinks shootings, stabbings, traffic accidents, heart attacks, and gunshot wounds.”

“Jess has told me. I hear over at Cook County it’s just completely insane.”

“You saw what their ER was like. Complete chaos in the waiting room. That’s why the clerk basically ignored our requests. They just can’t handle the mayhem. Now, go home and rest. I’ll see you on Friday.”

I stood and shook hands with Al, then left his office and headed home, where I was greeted by Birgit who was just coming home from Kindergarten.

“Daddy!” she squealed. “Cuddles!”

I carefully picked her up with my right arm and carried her to the sunroom where we cuddled in one of the lounge chairs.

“Are you feeling better, Daddy?”

“Yes, Pumpkin. Daddy feels better.”

“Good!”

“How was school today?”

“Fun!” she said, then giggled, “I kissed Joey!”

“And was Joey OK with that?” I asked.

“Yes! He kissed me, too! And we hugged!”

Poor Joey! He had NO idea.

We cuddled and I read my newspaper, taking breaks between each fifteen minutes I read. Birgit was happy because her sisters basically left us alone. When Kara came home, I put Birgit down, and went with Kara to my study.

“What did Doctor Barton say?”

“To keep doing what I did today and he’ll evaluate me on Friday to let me know if I can go to LA and Pittsburgh.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Kara said.

“I know, Honey, but honestly, I feel fine. I told Al I felt energized at work for the first time today. And he said he’ll talk to you on Friday before he makes a decision.”

Kara smiled, “Good! Have you thought about Wednesday night?”

“I have NO idea what to do,” I said. “We’re still legally married, but we’re certainly not acting like husband and wife, nor are we acting like a trio. We’re closer to Michelle in that regard than Jessica.”

“What about Christmas morning?”

“How about we worry about Wednesday, first,” I sighed. “Christmas is a potential nightmare because of the kids.”

“How about a nice, quiet dinner on Wednesday, just the three of us?” Kara asked. “I know Elyse and Abbie will cook for us, or Jennifer and Josie.”

“Let me talk to Jessica. I’ll invite her to the meal and see what she says. How are things with you and Michelle?”

“We spend time together every day. She usually meets me for lunch in my office. I think she’s ready for you to ask her to be naked in bed with us. I’m getting tired of sleeping in my pajamas!”

I chuckled, “She’s ready or you’re ready?”

Kara smiled, “Both. But do NOT ask her about sex. Make it about sleeping. She’ll do anything you ask, and that means you need to be very careful. And you know my issue.”

“I do,” I said. “Let’s wait until I get this damned cast off. And her request is still pending.”

Kara smiled, “Take her to her room tonight, but let HER do the work. She will! But then both of you come back and sleep with me.”

“OK. And you?”

“I’m saving up for when you can ravish me!” she giggled.

I smiled, “That can’t happen soon enough!”

We left my study and spent time with the kids until dinner. After we ate, I followed Jess back to the ‘Indian’ room.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Much better. I told Al that I actually felt energized at work. How’s your ankle?”

“So long as I ice it regularly, it’s fine. This boot isn’t so bad, because I can take it off and soak in the tub or use the sauna.”

“I wish,” I sighed. “I can’t do that until this cast comes off in two weeks. Then I think I’m going to live in the sauna for a week!”

Jessica laughed, which for her was rare these days.

“Jess,” I said. “Kara and I would like you to join us for a private dinner on Wednesday, here at the house.”

She sighed, “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“We are married, Babe. And Kara is still our wife. Well, unless you’ve changed your mind about our commitments.”

“Why do you love me?” she asked.

“You might as well ask me why the sun comes up in the morning,” I said. “It’s just a natural part of the universe.”

“Nearly nine years later and I still don’t understand you. Not really.”

“And that’s a big part of the problem. Until you take off the armor that protects ‘Doctor Jessica’ from anyone really getting to know her, you won’t be able to understand me.”

“But you know everything about me!” she protested.

“Yes, I do. But I don’t know YOU. I know events. I know people. I know career and school. All those things are external. I want to know Jessica, the person. I want to be as intimate with you as I have been with any other person. Do you realize I had more intimacy with Michelle before I slept with her than I’ve ever had with you?”

Jessica sighed, “I don’t think you’ll like who I am. I don’t like who I am. I like being ‘Doctor Jessica’. I hate being Jessica.”

“Because of things that happened to you from the time you were little? You know what I went through. And what Kara went through. I think you need to get over hating yourself for things that were beyond your control, as well as things you did. It’s not healthy, Jess. You’re heading for a breakdown worse than the one that sent you to Maine.”

“I have it under control.”

I shook my head, “No you don’t. That’s an illusion. You’re lying to yourself. Cutting yourself off from all emotional contact is unhealthy. It’s self-destructive.”

“What about Michelle? She did that!”

“Yes, and how many people are truly called to be monks or nuns? And even then, she had close contact with the other nuns. She wasn’t a hermit out in the woods somewhere. And I think you know better.”

“Do I?”

I smiled, “Jorge. He proves my point. You ached for an emotional connection, and for whatever reason, substituted him for us. Maybe you felt it was safer because you knew he was getting engaged to Trish.”

She sighed, “Not until a couple hours before the accident. That’s why we were together. So he could tell me.”

“Well, then you felt he was safe for some other reason. Safe enough to open up to. Safe enough to want to make love with.”

Jessica smiled, “No, I wanted to fuck.”

“Why? To try to hurt me? To try to hurt Kara? To destroy our marriage? To scratch an itch?”

“I thought I was free to make those decisions.”

I nodded, “You were and you are. But you were adamant about being only with me for the rest of your life. Something changed. I’m wondering what that change was. I know he was your secret fantasy, just like Kurt is Kara’s fantasy and Kathy is mine. I told him it was OK, by the way.”

“He insisted that both you and Kara had to tell him it was OK, and mean it. But you were both such good friends to him, that he couldn’t do it. I don’t know that he ever asked Kara. But as he said, you two were treating me so well that it made no sense. I did everything I could to entice him.”

“Why?”

“Curiosity? Variety? An itch? I’m not sure. Maybe all three.”

I shook my head, “I don’t think so. I think there’s something deeper. Have you talked to your counselor about this? And told her about how much you hate ‘Jessica’?”

“We’re kind of dancing around the edges.”

“Stop dancing and start talking,” I said. “Figure it out. You have to know yourself before we can truly know each other.”

“Wasn’t it Anala who taught you that?”

“Yes. And I wrote pages and pages and pages on intimacy in Volume 9 of my journal. Why don’t you read it again? And take it to heart this time.”

She frowned, “I’m afraid.”

“Who isn’t? Life is scary! But if we let our fear paralyze us, we end up miserable for our entire lives. And that’s what you are right now - miserable. You may be the best young trauma surgeon in the country, but you are not a nice person.”

“You’re a real jerk,” Jessica spat.

“Am I? Do you pull punches with your diagnoses? And I’m not talking about the ‘bedside manner’ bullshit where you work up to the bad news. Hell, you used to hate that idea! I’m talking about the clinical evaluation and what goes on the chart. I don’t have time for embroidery and I’m too damned blunt to dance around it. I love you, Jess, with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul. Nothing will ever stop that. But that doesn’t make you a nice person. Think of it this way - if you hate yourself, how can you expect anyone to like you?”

“You just said you loved me!” she protested.

I smiled, “I do. But I don’t like you. One is a decision. The other is a feeling. Guess which one wins?”

“The decision.”

“Exactly. Now, will you have dinner with Kara and me on Wednesday? Please?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. And I’m deadly serious about you reading Volume 9 again. I want you to read it and take it to heart. All of it. And then I want to work with you and Kara on intimacy. Not the fake shit we’ve been doing for eight years, but the real thing.”

“You and Kara were always open and honest. I was the problem.”

“Well, there you go. The first step on the road to recovery is acknowledging the problem. Talk with your counselor about what I’ve said. And about what you read in my journal. We can fix this, Babe. I know we can.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed.

“Will you just stop? Please? Quit fighting me and start fighting your demons, whatever they are. I’ll be right there with you, and so will Kara.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Positive. Kara’s issue is your behavior and your attitude. Work on fixing those, and she’ll be right there to help.”

“I suppose.”

“No, either you will or you won’t. It’s up to you. And if you won’t, then you have some very serious decisions to make. Ones that will impact everyone around you.”