Chapter 15: Learn To Be Happy

November 20, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Do you want me to drive you to Bucktown for breakfast?” Kara asked.

I shook my head, “No. I told Dave and Ed the same thing when they asked. Doctor Barton was adamant about me taking it easy. Next week will be pretty hectic with going back to work part-time and Thanksgiving.”

“I’m glad you finally came around to my point of view,” she said with a smile.

“My big complaint is that I can’t cook with this damned cast on my wrist!”

“I think your idea of cutting it off was a poor one,” Kara said.

I chuckled, “I know. I simply threatened to do it because it was driving me to distraction. I didn’t actually do it! The ibuprofen and diazepam seem to take just enough of the edge off to make it not bother me too much.”

“Are you going to be OK at the track this afternoon?”

“I don’t see why not,” I said. “I’ll ride in the car for ninety minutes or so, sit in the stands while Matthew races, then get back in the car. I haven’t had a headache since Thursday, and other than the cut over my eye itching and the cast driving me nuts, I’m fine.”

“You’ll be OK while Michelle and I are at karate this morning?”

“I’ll take care of Daddy!” Birgit said as she came into the kitchen and climbed into my lap. “He needs cuddles!”

Kara laughed, “I’m sure he does! Steve, don’t forget Sensei Jim is coming for lunch. He spoke with Al Barton about your exercise program.”

I nodded, “Al told me before he left a few minutes ago. I think today was his last ‘house call’ now that he thinks Jessica and I are medically sound.”

“Aunt Stephanie said Daddy needs to pay the hospital to fix the table he broke with his head!” Birgit giggled.

“Your Aunt Stephanie is going to be in big trouble,” I laughed. “But your mommy said that, too! Please go play so I can talk to Mommy for a minute. I’ll come get my cuddles soon.”

“OK! You better!” she said, climbing off my lap and leaving the kitchen.

“Did you ask Jessica about her counseling?” Kara asked when Birgit had left.

I shook my head, “No. I’ll do that this weekend at some point. But I don’t want to push too hard. Doctors Green, Barton, and Woodford have the stick. I’m trying to use the carrot.”

“We do need to talk about you, me, and Michelle,” Kara said.

“I know. As I said yesterday when I came home from seeing Doctor Green, I need to think this through myself before I talk to you about anything. Can you handle the ‘status quo’ for another week?”

“Anything for you, Snuggle Bear,” she said softly, then giggled, “Did you get clearance to fool around?”

“It’s right up there with the other athletic activities - what I can tolerate. I think we can try, but if I get a headache or my temples throb, we have to stop.”

“Then it’s a date!” she giggled. “I’ve been missing you!”

“And I’ve missed you, too,” I said. “I’ll see you when you get back from karate. Elyse and Eduardo are making lunch.”

“What are you going to do about Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday?”

“Stephanie, Ed, Michelle, and Bethany are going to help. I’ll basically do the directing and they’ll do most of the work. Both Tom and Eduardo offered to pitch in if we need it. And you know my Pumpkin and Jesse will insist on helping as well.”

Kara and I kissed, and I went to the sunroom to cuddle with my daughter, who was not happy when she had to share me with her sisters. We worked out a rotation that she could tolerate, and I read my newspaper. Birgit, Ashley, and Stephie all alternated turns cuddling me until lunch time.

“Sensei,” I said, greeting him as he came into the house.

“How are you feeling?”

“A bit more tired than usual, but that’s to be expected. Come on in; Elyse and her boyfriend have lunch ready for everyone. I hope you don’t mind a pile of kids!”

He laughed, “I’ve been wondering when I’d see them at the dojo.”

“Jesse decided on hockey, and Matthew on driving Go-Karts and playing soccer. The others aren’t old enough yet.”

We went to the dining room where we were joined by everyone except Jesse and his moms.

“I spoke with Doctor Barton and Doctor Carver,” Sensei Jim said. “We worked out an exercise plan for you. I understand you’ll be jogging in the mornings with your doctor friend?”

“That’s right. Gina - Doctor Swanson - will run with me as she has for some time, but we’ll take it easier. I know she’s spoken with Doctor Barton.”

“Good. Two weeks from today, you’re to start coming to the dojo. You can do the workouts and kata; you just can’t have any contact of any kind. And no kicks or moves that take both your feet from the ground at the same time. You’ll come on Tuesdays and Saturdays after that. Only twice a week for now. He did say it was six months before you could spar or strike anything.”

“Yes, due to the combination of the wrist and skull fractures. What do you think about the Japan trip?”

“I still say you should plan on it, unless one of the doctors tells you not to go.”

“OK. They haven’t said otherwise, but I’ll make sure to raise it with Al.”

He turned to Jessica, “How are you doing?”

“Only the ankle fracture is an issue,” she said. “It’ll be three or four months before I can really exert myself.”

“Will we see you at the dojo?”

“I’m not sure.”

Sensei let the matter drop, and when we finished lunch, he left. Elyse, Kara, Matthew, Michael, Jesse, Birgit and I set out for Norway so that Matthew could race his Go-Kart. It was a bit chilly sitting in the stands, but Kara had thoughtfully brought a blanket for me. I was surprised that I felt cold, despite the temperature in the low 50s, but Doctor Barton had warned that might happen. Matthew did a great job, finishing third in his race, and I congratulated him when we returned to the van.

“Did you see me pass those three Karts?” he asked. “I was careful not to touch wheels!”

I chuckled, “Yes, I did. Your mom and I were a bit nervous because of what happened before. You did a great job!”

Elyse had clutched my arm tightly each time Matthew had to pass a Kart, but each time he’d done it smoothly and without incident.

“Next time I think I can win!” he said.

“In the Spring, we’ll bring you back,” I promised.

“Cool!”

That evening, at home, Kara and I made love, slowly, and gently, then showered and put on our pajamas before Michelle joined us in bed.

November 21, 1993, Chicago, Illinois

“Will you come to church with me this morning?” Michelle asked.

“I suppose so,” I said. “Did you check with Kara?”

“Yes. She’s interested in going as well. Jesse will ride with his friend Vasily as he usually does.”

“Not to be indelicate, but have you gone to confession?”

Michelle smiled, “My relationship with my confessor is my business, isn’t it?”

“It is, but given our relationship...”

“Let me worry about that, please. I have to reconcile everything, just as Kara did. We chose diverging paths.”

“OK. I’ll keep my mouth shut on the topic unless you raise it.”

“Steve, I’m very happy and very peaceful. Let me worry about my relationship with God. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’re doing nothing wrong.”

I nodded and she went to let Kara know that I’d agreed. Fifteen minutes later, we were in my car, though I was sitting in the passenger seat with Kara driving. It felt strange to ride as a passenger, as I didn’t do that very often, but until my wrist healed, I wasn’t going to be driving a manual transmission. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the questions that had been raised in the session with Doctor Green.

It had been difficult typing in my journal one-handed, but I’d needed to do it to continue developing my thoughts on how to proceed. My biggest stumbling block was my parents’ relationship, which continued to haunt my thoughts. I hadn’t mentioned anything to anyone about that as yet, but the parallels were there. There was, though, one main difference, and that was that I would never let Jessica treat Albert and Ashley the way my mom had treated Stephanie and me. I didn’t think she would, but given her focus on her career and her near-complete aversion to risk, she could easily stifle their development if I wasn’t careful.

I wondered, too, how the accident would affect her risk analysis going forward. I could see her becoming even more risk-averse, and that would create further conflict. But that was really just another symptom of the larger problem. Jessica was who she was, and it wasn’t likely she was going to change. And Kara wasn’t going to accept that. Impasse. Something had to give, but I had no idea how to navigate that path, or even if there really was a path to navigate.

If I didn’t love Jessica, it would be easy to simply find some kind of modus vivendi where she was involved with the kids, was friendly with me, and otherwise simply did her own thing. The problem was, I didn’t think she COULD do her own thing. She did. And that was the true source of the problem. Al Barton had identified it and I agreed with him. As Doctor Green had intimated, she had no coping mechanisms and no support structure because she didn’t feel she needed them. And getting past THAT roadblock was something I had no idea how to do.

When we arrived at the church, I lit a candle and pushed it into the sand in front of the icon of the Theotokos, and then venerated the icon of the Entry into the Temple, before moving to my usual spot, about halfway back from the iconostasis. Michelle and Kara joined me, and Jesse gave a small wave when he saw us walk in. I allowed the sights, sounds, and smells to push stray thoughts from my mind, and did my best to focus on being peaceful while I listened to the hymns and prayers of Matins and the Divine Liturgy.

Michelle and Jesse both approached the chalice for the Eucharist, and at Michelle’s urging, I went forward and received Father Basil’s blessing. He touched the chalice to my forehead, and I moved to the side to receive some blessed bread. I rejoined Kara, who took my right hand and held it for the remainder of the service. When it finished, we joined Andrei, Svetlana, and their eighteen-month-old son, Pavel, for coffee hour and lunch.

“He’s getting big,” I observed.

“And so am I!” Svetlana said. “Next baby is coming in January!”

“Jesse’s getting tall,” Andrei observed. “He’ll be eight in February, right?”

“On the 22nd,” I said.

“Are you still working with the Archbishop?”

I nodded, “Yes. The membership software has worked well for the three jurisdictions that use it. I haven’t met with him in a few months, but I will see him sometime in the near future. He left a message asking to see me after he heard about my injuries.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your friend,” Svetlana said. “Tasha says he was good man.”

“He was,” I said. “A very good man.”

“Is too bad he was not Orthodox, or we could do panikhída service. But is OK for us to pray for him.”

“We’ll be doing the prayers on the correct days,” Michelle said.

Which meant the third day after death, which had been Wednesday, counting the Monday as the first day, then the following Tuesday, which was the ninth day. We’d do the same on the fortieth day, then after three months, six months, and then, finally, on every anniversary of his death.

“I say prayers for Stephie every year as well,” I said.

“And your first girlfriend?” Michelle asked.

That wasn’t really Birgit, but I knew what Michelle meant.

“I never did that for her, because at the time, I didn’t really know about these kinds of prayers. I don’t recall any memorials like this in my Roman church growing up, though I’m sure some people did them.”

“You could still pray for this girl,” Svetlana said. “Is important for her and you, and your relationship with God.”

“Steve, I’ll add her to my prayer list,” Michelle said. “What day did she die?”

“June 10, 1978,” I said.

Father Basil came over to the table and asked how I was doing, and asked about Jessica. I told him she was doing OK and was at home, but I didn’t go into any details. He asked me to call him to arrange lunch, and then moved on to speak to other parishioners. When we finished our coffee and doughnuts, the three of us headed home.

“Are you participating in the Rap Session?” Kara asked when we arrived home.

“Yes, but we’ll be missing some kids because of Thanksgiving break. UofC has class until noon on Wednesday. IIT is out as of last Friday.”

“Let’s keep the topic somewhat light, please.”

“Yes, dear,” I said with a smile.

Kara gave me a stern look, but it quickly faded to a smile. I went to sit in the great room to wait for the students and our friends to arrive. People slowly filtered in, and when Henry, Trish, and Gaby came in, I got up to go to talk to them, and something immediately caught my eye.

“Trish?” I asked. “What’s with the ring?”

She smiled, but tears formed in her eyes. Henry put his arm around her.

“Didn’t Jennifer tell you?” Henry asked.

“No,” I said.

“Jennifer showed up unexpectedly at Meigs Field and joined us for the flight to Puerto Rico. You know she was like a big sister to him, right?”

“Sure. They were really close. Josie too.”

“Yes. Anyway, once we were airborne, Jennifer pulled out a velvet box and handed it to Trish. Jorge had bought an engagement ring that he planned to give her on Thursday at Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Oh shit,” I sighed.

“Jennifer had it for safekeeping, because Trish was at Jorge’s place quite often, and he didn’t want Trish to know.”

“Did he tell anyone?” I asked.

“No,” Jennifer said from behind me. “He was so afraid she’d say ‘no’ that he didn’t tell anyone but me.”

“I would have said ‘yes’,” Trish said through her tears. “I loved him. And I told him that all the time.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said.

“There isn’t much, really,” Jennifer said, “except to say we all loved him and for all of us to do our best to keep his memory alive.”

“I need a photo of him for the ‘Indian’ room,” I said. “It’ll go next to the ones I have of Nick and Stephie. I’m going to add one of Birgit as well.”

“I’ll get you a picture of Jorge,” Jennifer said.