Chapter 7: Who is Steve Adams?

January, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

When I woke up Monday morning without having heard from Kara or her mom, I decided that I had to put it all behind me and stop hoping for a miracle. Even though it was early, I called my dad and asked him to return the ring as soon as possible and deposit the money into my account. He expressed regret about having to do so, but agreed I really didn't have any other option. When I hung up, Stephie and Elyse both hugged me, silently sharing my hurt, and then the three of us left for class.

The highlight of Monday was seeing Dave and Julia walking to MIS class hand-in-hand. From that, I guessed that their date had gone well. They both smiled at me as they walked up. After class, Julia pulled me aside and thanked me, saying that she and Dave had hit it off and that she'd be coming to dinner on Friday night with him, if that was OK. I let her know that it was, and that I was happy and hoped that things worked out well for them.

On Tuesday my writing class seemed to drag because I was really looking forward to meeting with Anala. When class finally ended, Stephie and I had lunch; I walked her to her class; quickly did my rounds; then walked to Bridgeport to Anala's apartment. As she had the previous week, she had prepared tea and had incense burning. After greeting her and removing my hat, coat and shoes, I sat down on the pillow on the floor, and Anala poured tea for both of us.

"I think the next thing to talk about is Jnana yoga — focusing on wisdom. Do you know the two parts of you that Krishna says you need to understand?"

"Body and soul, is what I'd call it in Christian terms."

"It's basically the same, though we should use the word Atman for soul, to distinguish from the Christian idea. The Atman is your true self, and you must come to knowledge of the difference between your body and your Atman, as well as their union, and this is how you achieve liberation."

"It's interesting, because for Christians, eternal life is a reward, but it seems for Hindus, eternal life is a curse."

"Not quite. Eternal life in the sense of reincarnation is indeed a curse, but also a chance to right past wrongs and ultimately achieve knowledge and balance. Think about the Catholic teaching on purgatory — a chance to expiate your past sins and achieve entry to heaven. Again, the Western ideas of soul and eternal life are different from in the East. It's not that you cease to exist, but that you come to the knowledge that your Atman is identical with the god. But really, the key here, without worrying about the religious aspect directly, is self-knowledge."

"That's one I struggle with on a daily basis. It's why I keep my journal. I write about things that happen, and what I think about them and how they affect me and what they mean. There's a lot of self-examination."

"And that's what this is really about — discovering who you are at your innermost being. In other words, who is the real Steve Adams?"

"I think I told you last time I've written around half-a-million words and a good chunk of that is trying to figure out who I am, and what I should do. I've had quite a few things happen that required a lot of introspection."

"And what have you discovered?"

"That ultimately I don't know a damn thing!" I said.

"That's a good start. To admit you don't know. That's the basis of a life of discovery. You said you were an agnostic, which fits perfectly with what you just said. I assume you've read about the skeptics in ancient Greece?"

"Yes, but if one takes that to the extreme, then no knowledge of any kind is possible, including knowing that you don't know anything!"

Anala laughed, "Well, let's assume that we can know something but that we're, well, immature and undeveloped. We develop our knowledge piece by piece, and discover things about the world, and more importantly, about ourselves. In the end, 'Who is Steve Adams?' is the one question to answer. Answer that truthfully and fully, and you have perfect knowledge."

"Is that even possible? We lie to ourselves all the time. My friend Bethany would call that a coping mechanism, but I think it's just human nature. I've lied to myself in the past, for sure."

"Pick something you lied to yourself about and let's discuss it," she said, sipping her tea.

I sighed, "That my relationship with a girl back in Ohio was perfect, when in reality it was flawed at its very core."

"Do you know what you did wrong?" she asked.

"It all depends on how I look at it, I suppose. In one sense, getting involved with her from the start could be seen as the mistake. But there were other mistakes I made and some big ones. I suspect the biggest one was not providing her with the support she needed at a crucial point, which led her to do something that more or less blew the relationship apart. I can't really go into details, but suffice it to say that if I'd understood then what I do now, I'd have done things VERY differently."

"That's a start then. What I'd suggest is working through that. If you can't talk to me about it because it's private, then write in your journal and try to work out your mistakes, why you made them, and how you can know better what to do. If you think about what we talked about last week, what duty did you have?"

"To protect her, even if it was from herself," I replied. "That's where I failed."

"Then that's absolutely where you start."

We talked for a couple of hours about other times in my life when I'd made mistakes and why I made them. At times, it was uncomfortable, because it delved into areas I preferred to leave in the past — many of them having to do with Becky, but also with Jennifer, Melanie, and others. I didn't give names, but I did describe the situations as accurately as I could. Just before 4:00pm, I let Anala know that I needed to leave.

"Self-discovery is an interesting process," she said. "You seem to have started on the path, but each time you veer off. I think that's where you need to focus — how to stay on the path."

"I have to say that these two sessions have been pretty enlightening, and some of the best conversations that I've had. I think it helps that you don't really know me and that we aren't involved."

"Ah, but that's the secret — once I know you, we will be involved. And it will be beyond anything you could ever imagine!"

I chuckled, "You've set up quite a challenge for yourself, Anala!"

"We'll see," she said, her dark eyes twinkling.

I drained the last of my fourth cup of tea, put on my shoes, coat, and fedora and walked back to campus to meet Stephie, who was just getting to the car when I walked up. Stephie and I hugged, exchanged a brief kiss, then got into the car and headed home.

"How was your session with Anala today?" she asked.

"Good and bad. It kind of built on what I've been doing with my journal for the past six years or so, but it's taking it to a whole new level and trying to figure out who I really am."

"I know who you are! You're my best friend, my lover, and my confidant; and you're an all-around good guy!" Stephie said with a smile.

"Thanks, Peaches. I appreciate it."

On Wednesday morning, I met Jackie for coffee before class. We had our usual talk about school and current events, and she asked how I was doing after the breakup with Kara. I told her what I'd been telling everyone — at this point, I didn't hold out any hope and was resigned to moving forward without her. There wasn't much else I could do given Kara wouldn't talk to me.

"Really," I said, "in the end, all I can do now is take one day at a time and try to learn from everything that happened. You could say I'm on a mission of self-discovery. It's something I thought I had figured out reasonably well before, but it turns out that I don't know myself as well as I probably should, and I don't consider my actions as deeply as I probably should."

"Isn't that what life's about in the end? Self-discovery and self-improvement?" Jackie asked. "I'm not sure you can ever finish those things."

"That's the question, isn't it? I have a Hindu friend who I've been talking to and they more or less say you need a lot of lives to work it all out, you know, reincarnation and stuff. It's an interesting theory, but I don't buy it any more than I buy the usual Christian teaching about eternal life in heaven. On the other hand, working on self-improvement is a worthy goal in and of itself."

"You know you're a pretty good guy, Steve. Ask your friends. They'll tell you. And if you ask them to, they can be your harshest critics, too."

"My little sister has that job all sewn up! And if she's missing something, then Melanie, Bethany, Elyse, or Jennifer will be happy to step in! I've been called everything from 'dumb boy' to 'fucking idiot' by girls for years. And they've mostly been correct. I made plenty of mistakes with Kara that I sometimes wonder how we made it as long as we did. But then I remember how much I loved her and how much I thought she loved me and realized that's why."

"I know that we talked about it right after Christmas, and some on the weekend, but what's the next step for you?" Jackie asked.

"Anala suggested..."

"Anala?!" Jackie gasped, interrupting me and recoiling in surprise. "Anala Subramani? Papiya's sister? Oh my God! You're seeing her?!"

"Relax!" I quickly said, "I had the same reaction at first, but they are as different as night and day! I'm having very good conversations with her and it's completely platonic. We haven't so much as hugged!"

It took a few moments to get her to accept the revelation, but she calmed down.

"As I was saying," I continued, "Anala suggested that I work on self-analysis — write in my journal and look at the mistakes I've made and see if I can figure out why I did what I did, and ultimately, who I am. 'Who is Steve Adams?' is the real question."

Jackie laughed, "Who is John Galt?"

"Huh?" I asked. "John Galt?"

"I guess you never read Ayn Rand. It's from her book, Atlas Shrugged. Actually, now that I think about it, you should read it. It has problems, to be sure, but as with all manifestos, it asks some very good and very difficult questions. And as with all manifestos, it prescribes bad solutions. Marx and Engels asked some very good questions. They just came up with REALLY bad answers."

"I'll add it to my list of things to read," I said. "What's it about?"

"A dystopian United States where the worst aspects of socialism get out of control and destroy the country."

"Maybe I should give it to Tatyana to read!" I joked.

"I think you'll find Rand's theory about sex interesting, too."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"The short version is that sex is the only thing you do from pure desire and so it reveals your true self — what you really want. Think about THAT, Steve Adams!" Jackie declared mirthfully.

"You know, that seems like the direction my conversations with Anala are going. She made the comment that sex isn't intimacy, that it only properly comes AFTER intimacy. If you tie those two things together, it's certainly a very different way of looking at things."

"So a casual screw like we had — what was that?" Jackie asked.

"That's a good question. I think what Anala is saying is that anyone can screw, and it's just a carnal act driven by hormones. Making love, on the other hand, can only happen between two people who really, truly know each other. Intimacy is the connection, not the act. So, there are two types of desire at hand — one that is raw, primal and meets a physical need, and one that is refined, calm, and meets a spiritual need. And sex, as a spiritual act, can only come between people who are already intimately involved, that is, who truly know each other."

"Damn, Steve, that's deep. But what does that mean, then? We shouldn't be screwing just for fun?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. I haven't thought enough about this to know even what I'm saying. That comment was more or less off the cuff. I know what Christianity teaches, and from reading the books that Anala has directed me to, there's a similar kind of thing in Hinduism. I'd venture to say that the great religions all reject casual sex, or sex just for fun outside of marriage, as at least being a bad idea, though I'm not sure about Buddhism because I haven't read enough to know."

"But what would that say about your life? That it was all a bad idea?" Jackie asked.

I nodded, "If that's true, then yes. And that's where Kara came down. The difference is that I would say that what I've done in the past was done from imperfect knowledge. In other words, I didn't know myself, or the world, well enough to make proper decisions. If I learn something new, I change my behavior and move on. Kara couldn't do that. She, in effect, decided that her entire future was dependent on rejecting everything she'd done for the past two years."

"You mean instead of learning from it, realizing that it was done with imperfect self-knowledge?"

"Yes," I replied. "You know, this conversation has gone in a far different direction from what I expected."

"So what now?" Jackie asked.

"Now I have to think things through. I think Anala is right about writing in my journal, but I don't think it's enough. What would you think about turning Sunday afternoons into an ongoing discussion similar to the one we just had?"

"That might be pretty damn cool. And useful. Can I ask for one favor?"

"And what's that?" I grinned.

"That before you decide that screwing for fun is off-limits, you come to my dorm room for a few hours!"

I chuckled, "I don't think that's the conclusion I'm going to come to! I did tell you a few weeks ago to ask me about it around this time. At this point, I have to admit that I'm done with Kara, and in the current circumstances, I'm not committing to anyone. If your absentee roomie is OK with it, then yeah, I'd love to have a repeat of what we had. It was fun!"

"It was. Hell, if you want a blowjob, I'll give you one. I've never done it before, but it'd SO be worth it to be with you again!" she smirked.

"Interesting offer," I chuckled. "There might be some other firsts you could try, too!! Let me clear it with Stephie. She doesn't have a veto, per se, but I promised to talk to her about stuff like this before I did it. She's cool with some group stuff. If you're game, you could even sleep in our bed with us!"

"What?!" Jackie gasped. "You know, I should probably ask just how wild you are before I get in real trouble! You left out the details when we talked that day Cindi and I were there."

"As wild as you can imagine! If you can imagine it, I've probably done it. If you want wild, I can give you anything you can handle and then some!" I grinned.

"Hmm. Let me think about that. I might just have to get that experience that Cindi's angling for!" she smirked.

I laughed, "We'll see. One step at a time, OK?"

"Yes. It's time to head for class. We can talk on Saturday or Sunday."

We hugged and headed for our classes. That evening, on the way home, I broached the issue of the Sunday discussion time with Stephie.

"Those talks with Anala have really got you thinking, don't they?" she observed.

"They have. And the talk with Jackie this morning kind of helped crystallize things a bit. I guess what I'm looking for is ways to know myself better, know the world better, know my friends better, and from all that, know what I ought to do."

"That's pretty heavy," Stephie said. "Do you think everyone is going to be OK with that?"

"Are you kidding? I think in that room on Saturday and Sunday there are like eight or nine B's TOTAL in a year and a half. If our group can't handle it, who could? It was kind of like that in High School for me — everyone was pretty smart and a good student. Kathy probably had the toughest time, and she graduated with a 3.25 average. I missed a 4.0 only because of Mrs. Thompson and the heavy load I carried my Senior year because of going to Sweden. I think they can handle it."