Chapter 77: An Offer You Can\'t Refuse

November, 1983, Milford, Ohio

On Saturday morning, I swam and ate breakfast with Stephanie. I saw in the Sport section of the Cincinnati Enquirer that Napoleon McCallum had scored two touchdowns in Navy's 48-13 victory over Army in the annual Army-Navy game that had been played at the Rose Bowl. Given that I knew him, I now wished that I had watched, but it was too late to do anything about it.

I took Stephanie to lunch at Frisch's. We had a good, if subdued conversation, as compared to our normal animated exchanges. I suspected that she could tell that I was having mixed emotions about my afternoon with Joyce. I needed to put things back on an even keel, avoid getting into a debate or argument about Kara, and avoid any romantic entanglements. I didn't know if Joyce still harbored those feelings, but if she did, I had no interest at all. At a time when I was trying to simplify my romantic life, I didn't want to introduce new complications.

I dropped Stephanie at my parents' house, and she gave me a quick peck on the cheek, reminding me to stay calm, then I drove to the Spencers'.

My resistance to the idea of a romantic entanglement with Joyce had nothing to do with attraction — I was still attracted to her. A purely physical relationship might be OK, but I didn't think that she was interested in that, or if she was, I was concerned that she'd take it as some sort of evidence that we could eventually be a couple. And frankly, I told myself, if I had to pick an Abbadelli sister, I might actually pick Connie over Joyce. But Connie and I had agreed to be occasional lovers, not partners.

Joyce arrived just before 1:00pm. I hugged her and after she said 'hello' to Melanie and Pete, we got sodas from the fridge and went to the basement to talk.

"I'm sorry about the way I've been treating you," I said. "I want to be friends again, to the point where I can rely on your advice."

"That's really up to you," Joyce replied, "because you're the one who sundered the relationship."

I took a deep breath to calm myself and let it out before answering.

"I see it a bit differently. What you did sundered the relationship, I just confirmed what had happened. I think you have to admit that my reaction wasn't completely out of line, given what happened."

"I suppose that's true," Joyce admitted. "But talking to me instead of yelling at me would have been a better option, don't you think?"

"Bethany got on my case about that and you're both right. I did get a bit emotional, and I did fly off the handle. I'm sorry about that."

"Apology accepted. How's Kara doing?"

"Not so well," I sighed. "I sort of bluntly told her to snap out of it yesterday, and might have actually done way more harm than good."

"Jesus, Steve! And you got on my case for calling her?"

"I know. Bethany got on my case about THAT, too. Especially given she told me not to do it."

"You fucking hypocrite!" Joyce exclaimed. "You ream me for doing that, AND tell Grandfather about it? Then you go and do the same God-damned thing?"

I hung my head, "Yes."

"Pathetic, Steve," Joyce said, shaking her head in disgust. "Just pathetic. For months now you've treated me like a pariah and now you do the same damned thing!"

"I know. That's why you're here. And why I'm trying to set things right. I was wrong to criticize you for something and then turn around and do the same exact thing. I'm sorry."

We looked at each other in silence for a few moments.

"So now what?" she asked.

"We move past it. We both acknowledge that we messed up. We're friends again, and I take back what I said about trusting you."

"Good. But nothing intimate?"

I knew what she meant, but I felt it wasn't possible at the moment, with either Joyce's understanding of what that meant, or what I'd learned from Anala.

"No," I said, shaking my head, "nothing intimate. I'm trying to sort things out with Jennifer. She's coming to see me after Christmas."

"Jennifer has never given a damn who you slept with, except for Becky!" Joyce declared. "You can't blame her!"

"I wasn't blaming her at all," I countered. "I was taking personal responsibility for my actions. I'm trying to focus on repairing my relationship with Jennifer."

"Are you sleeping with other girls?"

"So what if I am?" I asked. "If you're having sex with one guy, does that mean that you'll have sex with any guy?"

"No, of course not! But that's not what I meant and you know it!"

"Do I? You more or less implied that because I was sleeping with other girls, I should sleep with you, or at least consider it. Otherwise, why ask the question?"

Joyce was silent for a bit. I was pretty sure that she still had some kind of hope for the future; I just didn't know what it was. She'd more or less given up on her 'last girl standing' notion when I'd been steady with Kara, at least until Kara had invited Joyce into our bed. Agreeing to THAT had been a major blunder on my part, and had been the root cause of the problems that Joyce and I were having. And fundamentally, it had been a major turning point in my life, given it had ultimately led to Kara breaking up with me.

What I was realizing was that at each step of the way, I had done what I had thought was the right thing to do. In hindsight, which often had the benefit of 20/20 vision, I'd made several huge mistakes. But, I asked myself, had I learned my lessons? The answer was that I had absolutely no idea. What I did know was that I couldn't let the fear of making mistakes paralyze me. As Anala, Bethany, Jennifer, and my little sister had pointed out, all I could ever do was what I thought was right and what I thought was best.

What I'd figured out from everything that had happened during the previous six years was that sometimes I should delay decisions in the hopes of having more information, but even inaction was a decision of sorts. The other thing that I realized that I couldn't do was run away from my problems. I'd tried that any number of times and while there had been some temporary relief, the problems still existed and still had to be dealt with. I had to confront the issues head on, like I had with Stephie, instead of trying to flee.

I'd run away from the trouble with my mom by going to Sweden, and while I'd had some temporary respite, the problem had still been there when I returned. I'd run away from Jennifer when she'd told me about the move to Seattle, and three years later I was still dealing with the fallout from my foolish behavior. I'd run away from my mom once again when I'd moved to Chicago, but then, finally, with help from my friends, I'd broken free of her control. And most recently, I'd run away from Kara when she'd had her meltdown.

As I thought about it, I realized that I'd had the same response with Joyce, only I'd used emotional distance, not physical distance, to separate us. I'd done the same thing with Jennifer when she told me she was going to Stanford. In both cases, it had been Bethany who'd pushed me to close the emotional distance, even if the physical distance remained. That was what I was trying to do with Joyce now, but there were lines that I was not interested in crossing at this point.

And that, in effect, brought me right back to Joyce's question. I wasn't sure of my own motivation with Joyce. I most certainly wanted her as a friend, though my need for her guidance with regard to my 'business' dealings was greatly reduced because her grandfather had set things up so that I was unlikely to encounter the kinds of dilemmas I had before. With no direct exposure to the more unsavory parts of the Outfit, I could, in effect, pretend that it was all simply legitimate work, which, in large part, it was.

As I thought about it, the real question came to mind — how did Joyce figure into my future? Answering that question was as tough as answering the question about any of the girls, including Jennifer. I simply didn't know the answer. Not yet, anyway. I might have more clarity after Jennifer's visit, but then again, I might not. Even with clarity, I wasn't going to make any final decisions any time soon. Taking things one day at a time seemed to be the only logical course of action. The only cast-in-stone plan I had at the moment was to graduate from IIT in May of '85. Everything else was up in the air.

"I suppose you're right," Joyce finally said. "I guess it just feels like I'm still in the penalty box and that it's a game misconduct."

I grinned at her use of hockey terms, though players didn't serve a game misconduct penalty in the penalty box.

"You haven't been kicked out of my life, Joyce. It's more like a 5-minute major. But just because you get out of the penalty box doesn't mean that you get right back in the game."

"Can I get back in the game at all? It doesn't seem like it. I think my 'game misconduct' analogy is apt."

"What does getting back into the game mean to you? Just having casual sex? You always objected to that. Having a chance at a relationship? I don't think you're interested in a long-term group situation. So getting involved with you would imply that I was open to a monogamous marriage with you, and that there was a real chance of that happening. I've promised Jennifer that we'd try to move forward, so at this moment, there really isn't a chance. At least that's how I see this."

Joyce slumped back on the couch, frowning. I'd pretty much refuted her arguments before she could even make them. One of the key things Anala had convinced me to do was to make sure I was clear about what I could offer to anyone at this point, and I'd done that.

"So my options are to either give up or become part of your harem?" she asked crossly. "Is that it?"

I sighed deeply, "What harem? The girls come to me when it suits THEM, not when it suits me. That hardly fits any reasonable definition of a harem as we use that word. And all the girls have heard the same speech you have, OR, they themselves said that they weren't interested in something long term."

"So all these girls, including Bethany, are just casually fucking for fun? Seriously?"

I laughed, "I never knew you were a sexist! Girls do indeed fuck just for fun. Just as guys do. And there are several girls like that. But there are also a few girls who are more than willing to share me long-term. Elyse flat out told me that when we graduate and she gets her first job, she wants to have a couple of kids with me, but isn't interested in getting married."

"Say what?!" Joyce gasped.

"You heard me. She wants to be a mom, but doesn't feel a need to marry. She's not only fine with it, she proposed it. And you know what? That's her call. So in her case, as long as my future wife or partner, or whatever, is cool with it, I could easily have a couple of kids with her. And I'd treat them the way I would any other kids I had. There's no real stigma on kids being born out of wedlock anymore. Sure, the mom still gets some grief, but who's going to really give a successful young woman grief? It's not like she's out to be one of Reagan's mythical 'Welfare Queens'."

"And Jennifer is OK with this?" she asked. "It's one thing to share you intimately; it's a whole different thing to say it's OK for you to basically have another family!"

"First of all, she accepted that I was going to be a father when Becky was pregnant, so yeah, I'd say that she's OK with it. Secondly, Jennifer's proposal is that I marry Bethany and have kids, have kids with Elyse as Elyse wants, and have a couple of kids with Jennifer, who is also going to have a regular female lover. Heck, I could even see Jennifer wanting her lover to have a kid by me."

"That's just plain nuts! Grandfather would have a heart attack if you told him that!"

"Maybe so, and I'm not saying that I agree with it, I'm just telling you that I'm not some Svengali orchestrating all of this. The girls are pretty much in charge. I'm just taking things one day at a time and living my life the best way I know how. Jennifer was always cool with me being with other girls, except for Becky. And you know damned well that I've pretty much never been monogamous. Even when I was dating Kara, I wasn't, and you know who I was with at that time. So why is any of this a surprise to you? In the end, I'll tell Don Joseph what he needs to know and go from there."

"I don't know that I can deal with that, Steve," she sighed.

"Then just be my friend. You won't be the first who can't deal with it. Some girls could handle it while we were dating, but not long term. Pia, Anna, and Stephie come immediately to mind. Birgit certainly wouldn't have accepted it long term, if I correctly understand what she was telling me. I don't think Karin will. I'm sure Tatyana wouldn't, but there are other things that are separating me from my Russian friend.

"Then there's my friend Anala who can accept it until she wants to have kids, because she doesn't plan to be a single mom, and there would be serious hell to pay with her family if she married a non-Indian. She MIGHT do that if I was willing and able to commit to a monogamous relationship with her once we married, but she's certainly not expecting that. So she's a lover until it's time for her to marry and have kids.

"Then there are girls who have outright rejected the idea and won't get involved in any way. Katy, one of my housemates, is the perfect example. She and I are attracted to each other, and I suspect she'd be a lot of fun. But, she can't handle sharing a guy and she's not into one-night-stands or flings, so nothing happens.

"Becky wasn't able to handle it while we were dating and demanded that I be exclusive with her. That caused our relationship to fall apart. Any sex after that was part of her scheme to get me back and into an exclusive relationship. Even Melanie, who wants me in the worst possible way, recognized that in the end she wasn't the type who could share long-term. That's why she's with Pete. And why Kathy is with Kurt. And why Julia is with Dave.

"And yet, all those girls, including Becky, are my friends. Granted, I keep Becky at arm's-length, and for good reason. I guess that what I'm telling you is that you can be my friend without being physically intimate. You can be a very close friend, and I really, really want that, despite acting like a shithead, as you used to call it, towards you. Physical intimacy, if it ever comes, has to be on terms that we both accept and where our understanding of what it means is the same. Anything else will just make a mess that I simply don't want to deal with."

"You sound like you have your mind made up that you're going to have multiple partners for the rest of your life," Joyce observed.

"Not at all," I countered. "There are girls who are sort of biding their time, waiting to see if I'm going to decide to pick one girl and stay with her. Sofia, who I haven't really mentioned, fits that category. But girls like Anna and Tina are dating other guys because I made it clear they shouldn't put all their eggs in one basket. Just as you did, Joyce. You dated other guys because you concluded that your 'last girl standing' idea might not bear fruit.

"Look, I'm just trying to lay all of this out on the table so that you know exactly where I'm coming from. I'm following Anala's advice and it's worked pretty damned well. It probably cost me Stephie, but I didn't want her at the expense of her own happiness. That's not to say I wasn't sad or upset, just that I think that her best friend Jason was a better choice for her in the long run."