Chapter 68: Big Steps Forward

October, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

I spent the first three days of the next week thinking about what Bethany had said and anticipating my time with Anala. I was exceedingly happy that I'd asked her to spend some time talking, given what Bethany had said to me. Stephie noticed that I was distracted, as did Penny when she came by on Wednesday evening, but I brushed it off as just being preoccupied with class work, my union contracts, and the time I spent running a household.

On Thursday morning, Dave, Katy, Cindi, and I met in the computer lab at 7:00am.

"Why did you book this time?" Dave groaned as he dragged himself in.

"Well, first of all, it was open, but second of all, it's a time when all of us are free. Nobody has anything before 11:00am today. If you can suggest another four-hour period that isn't at like 2:00am, by all means, do it!"

He laughed, "Good point. Fortunately, it's a two-minute walk from the Sig Ep house for me. Let's get going."

We spent four hours working on our assignment and still had a bit of work to do. We agreed to meet the following Thursday to finish it up. It wasn't actually due until the end of the semester, along with all the major projects, but we were given participation points for showing progress on each of the projects. It was an interesting way to run the class, but I realized it was probably necessary given the limited resources in the computer lab. If we hadn't been able to use the Apple IIe, Apple II, and Atari 800 at my house for some of the work, we'd have struggled to keep up.

At 11:00am, my ROTC tutoring students showed up, and I went to work with them. George was there as well, but she was working independently and had only interrupted me once with a question. After our hour of tutoring, I told Tom and Jake that they probably didn't need tutoring for the rest of the semester, but that they could call me if they ran into trouble. At noon, I packed up my stuff and went to pick up Anala. We'd agreed on an early dinner, so I didn't bother with lunch. When we got to the house, Anala dropped her bag in my room and we headed right for the sauna.

"So, you wanted to talk instead of enjoy each other?" Anala said with a bright smile.

"I enjoy talking with you a lot. It's not the same as sex, of course, but it meets other needs. Sex isn't the only need that a couple has by a long shot!"

"Quite true, though I suppose the last month or so has been the equivalent of a honeymoon. Perhaps that's over now?"

"That's an interesting way of looking at it. One of the reasons I've been attracted to intelligent girls over the years is that at some point, you have to talk to your lover!"

"Quite true again, and something a lot of guys don't realize until it's too late. But I sense something is bothering you."

"I had an interesting talk with Katy and Cindi, and then a long talk with Bethany after that. Katy basically accused me of using girls for my own pleasure and of thinking of them as objects to be used for that purpose."

"If it bothers you enough to talk to Bethany, to be preoccupied about it, and now to talk to me, I would say that you are afraid that there's some truth to what she said."

"Do you think I'm using you?" I asked.

She laughed, "Steve, you don't believe in altruism, do you?"

"No. We discussed that."

"Then of course YOU believe that everything you do is for your own pleasure and CAN'T be about the other person. You pretty much told me that."

I nodded, "I did say that, and I haven't talked myself out of believing that."

"Then it makes sense that it's bothering you because you don't believe you can selflessly give yourself to others. There's always something in it for you, so to speak. And that bothers you. Perhaps your dismissal of altruism was too hasty."

"Before I tell you what Bethany said, would you answer the question?"

"No, I don't feel like you are using me," she said. "But there is something we need to talk about. You first, though."

"What Bethany said is that I have very specific needs related to my failed relationship with my mother, and that I try to please the women around me to prove that I can make them happy. So, in a sense, I'm using them to fill a need. But she made a point to say that they don't feel used."

"I certainly don't feel used. You care about me. You've admitted you love me. You aren't IN LOVE with me, but you love me. Do you understand the distinction?"

"Yes, absolutely. It's what Bethany basically said — I care for all the girls in my life, even if they are only in it for a brief time. And that's what the girls see."

"Yes. Steve, you were a broken person because of the horrible relationship with your mom. You've found a way to repair some of the damage, and that's in your expression of care for all the girls you've surrounded yourself with. Most of the girls in the house aren't lovers, but friends. But they trust you and know you care about them. Look at how you treated Stephie as a perfect example. Or Kathy after she took up with Kurt. Or Julia after she took up with Dave. And, I think this is what's bothering Katy — that you care for her even in the situation where she has, in effect, rejected you."

"You're saying that she's confused because she can't understand why I'd do that?"

"Perhaps. Or she suspects it's just another ploy to wear down her defenses. In other words, given how much sex you have, she can't believe you'd accept her 'no' and continue to care for her the way you do. In her world, it makes no sense at all."

"Because of how other guys have treated her," I said.

"Yes. Why did your friend Bethany come to you originally?"

"Because she was looking for someone who was safe, would listen, and wouldn't pressure her into sex."

"So why would she ever come to the school stud for that?" Anala asked with an impish smile.

"Because I had a large number of female friends who vouched for me."

"And why did they do that?"

"Because I cared about them and looked out for them. But I was a real jerk towards Jennifer."

"And yet, she recommended that Bethany ask you to the dance. Why?"

"I have no clue. I sure as hell wouldn't have!"

"But you only know that in hindsight. At the time, you did the best you could to try to care for both Jennifer and Becky. What changed?"

"Plenty! I suppose at the root, Jennifer realized something Bethany and a few others have said — that I have a capacity to love and care for more than one person."

"I've seen that. I think the girls who live with you see that. Granted, I don't know them very well, but everything you say and do indicates that. So, I'll return to the question — do you use girls for your pleasure?"

"I suppose not, but I do think Bethany is right about the neediness."

"Of course she is. We all have needs. We look for people and things that meet our needs and fulfill our desires. It's why I'm with you. But it's also the source of a concern we need to discuss."

"The one you mentioned. Should I be worried, Anala?"

She smiled, "No. it's just something we need to discuss. Do you remember what I said when I first agreed to join with you? About giving you control?"

"Yes, I remember."

"That's the concern. I am submissive by nature, and need someone who is dominant over me. That's a problem for you, because you are, at your heart, submissive as well, at least in your relationships with women. You allow us to control everything, from start to finish."

"It's always worked out pretty well that way," I said with a smile.

"It has, I am sure," Anala replied. "But that is not what I need. I do not want you to ask me about things, or wait for me to suggest them or agree to them. I want you to be in control. Do not ask if I'll change our plans, simply change them and tell me. For example, for today, a simple command — have dinner with me and spend the night with me — would have been preferable to asking if it was OK."

"That's not my style," I countered. "It never has been."

"That's absolutely true. And that style of behavior has failed you in at least three instances. Think it through and tell me which ones, and why."

While I was thinking, I got up and filled the whirlpool. I adjusted the temperature of the sauna and Anala and I got into the tub and I turned on the water jets. She leaned back against me and I took her in my arms.

As I thought about it, one came to mind almost immediately — Kara. There was no question in my mind that letting her be in complete control had been a grave error. On the other hand, there was no way I could ever dominate her the way her father or her pastor had. It just wasn't in my nature.

The other two were a bit more difficult to work out. I suspected Bethany, because I'd always handled her with kid gloves because of the assault, but I wasn't sure that's what she needed from me. Who could the third one be? I thought it had to be Jennifer, though I wasn't sure. I couldn't think of anyone else.

"For sure, one was Kara," I said. "I failed her by not being decisive enough and not taking charge of the relationship. I was, I'm positive, worried about being too much like her dad or her pastor."

"It's a continuum," Anala replied. "It's not binary. It's not complete freedom or complete dominance. And it depends on the individual. But yes, I'd say that's the primary one."

"Bethany, I think would be the second one. Because of her assault, I let her define the relationship completely."

"And how did that work out?"

"It depends on what you mean, but I suppose it's been better since I started being more decisive. I need her advice, though, so I'm not sure I can take control the way you mean."

"Why not? It's what will happen with us if you simply take control. Just because you're in control doesn't mean you can't receive or heed advice! Does President Reagan have advisors?"

"Yes, of course."

"And yet, he's in control, isn't he?"

"Yes," I smiled.

"So, I agree. Who's the third one?"

"It has to be Jennifer, I think."

"Yes. And when did things truly begin to change?"

"When Bethany pushed me to be decisive and take the next step."

"Yes. I think we can tie all of this up in a neat little package. Your mom dominated you for years, and you accepted it and did your best to please her. This made you, ultimately, a submissive personality, at least with regard to relationships. Then, with the three most important American girls in your life, you played the submissive and things went badly."

"I'd say that you and Bethany agree my mom is the source of the problems and of my behavior. Jennifer thought so too, when we were in High School. But I don't care about what my mom thinks anymore."

"And that's good. But she shaped you into the person you are. The difficult part of moving forward is changing your submissive nature without losing the care and love you have for others. Dominance without love is violence. Submission without love is slavery. Neither of those suits you nor any of the girls. Will you do something for me?"

"Of course!" I grinned. "And yes, before you say it, I realize that's not being in control."

"Take charge a bit more. I have one piece of advice for you, too. Tell Kara to get better. Don't say you hope that she does, or that you care or are concerned. Simply tell her you expect her to get better and that she should just do it."

"That's nuts!" I protested. "I could ruin everything that way. Doctor Mercer would have my head, and rightly so."

"And yet, given what you've told me about Kara's personality, that's the solution. Ask Bethany. She'd never tell you to do that, but if you ask her, I suspect that she'll agree."

"Jesus, Anala. It's not like I can just call Kara and demand that she 'snap out of it!' and it'll happen."

"No, I wouldn't call her. But the next time you're in Milford, I advise you to try doing exactly that."

"I'll take it under advisement," I said slowly, wondering if I should even contemplate that course of action.

When we got out of the tub, I opened the drain, adjusted all the controls and we went up to my room. I shut and locked the door behind us and wondered how to do what Anala asked. It wasn't my style to dominate, not like Elyse had done when she'd tied me up and used all of her toys on me. And it didn't strike me that tying Anala up was what she wanted. Nor was it rough sex, like Jennifer and I once had done when I'd basically ripped her clothes from her body and taken her.

Given Anala hadn't used sex as the example, I decided to just do what I normally did, but instead of asking, just doing. It seemed to work well, even when Anala rode me, because instead of talking about it, I simply moved us into the correct position. I noticed, though, that everything she was doing now was directed at pleasing me, not herself. I was completely surprised when her single orgasm from riding me seemed to go on for minutes. Around 3:30pm I led her to the shower and after we cleaned up, we went to the kitchen to make our dinner, and then took everything to the Indian room to eat.

"I think I realized something very important while we were making love with you on top," I said. "Your orgasm was even stronger because you felt I was in control."

"Yes, it was. Sex is as much mental as it is emotional and physical. I think that's one part you've mostly missed. Not completely, but mostly. Your state of mind and my state of mind both matter. As you said months ago, anyone can figure out the mechanics. But think about what made our joining so intense. It was the intimacy. And THAT, Steve, was mental and emotional."

I nodded and continued eating. The things I'd discovered about myself since the first of the year were nothing short of astounding. I owed most of it to Anala for opening my eyes to new ways of thinking, but also to Bethany for being my closest friend and most trusted advisor. And to my sister for loving me unconditionally and always being there for me, even when we were apart.

When we finished eating, we took our dishes to the kitchen and washed them, then went back to the Indian room to relax and talk. We drank tea from the supply that Anala had replenished for me and discussed school and other more mundane topics. It was a welcome respite from the deep conversation that we'd had before and after we'd made love. From the conversation, I deduced that Anala needed to spend significant time working on her Master's project and I made a mental note to take that into consideration when I made our plans. The conversation eventually drifted back to relationships and our future.