Chapter 53: End of the Summer, Part I

August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

Becky was quiet on the drive back to Chicago. My answer to Alyson's question had been weak. Saying "I can't" just didn't really cut it. Alyson had pressed me, but I'd declined to answer further, just saying that it wasn't going to happen. We'd finished our lunch and then Becky and I dropped Alyson at her house. She'd hugged me and then given me a quick kiss on the lips. The last thing she'd said to me was, "Give it a chance, Steve."

Becky had wisely not said anything to me at that point. I wasn't sure at all how I'd have answered her or what I'd have said. What I did know was that I wasn't prepared to have a steady girlfriend at this point in my life. And I should have just said that. I was trying to figure out why I hadn't said that. It would have been such an easy out, such an easy answer, and one with which neither of them could have successfully argued.

I'd spent the four-hour drive thinking about it, and had come to the conclusion that intellectually I didn't want a girlfriend, but that my desire to have Jackie sleep in my bed, without having sex, said something very important to me. Emotionally, I needed someone with me. Bethany had known that, and that's why she'd arranged for Kathy to see me every weekend in Chicago. Kara had known that and that had been one of the reasons she'd accepted the situation in which we'd found ourselves.

Jennifer knew it. I wondered if Birgit had known it and that's why she'd set me up with Melanie. Becky certainly knew it and had taken full advantage of it at the conference in Cincinnati. Stephie had recognized it early on and had seen it as a way to perhaps maneuver Kara out of the way. Sofia surely knew it, coming to stay with me at the hotel when I'd been in Sweden. I had, at times, acknowledged the situation, but now I needed to not only acknowledge it, but to understand it and deal with it. If I didn't, I'd fall right into a relationship for which I wasn't ready and one which could cause big problems down the road.

In a way, I was lucky at how things had turned out with Stephie. It wasn't 'sour grapes'; it was the recognition that I'd become involved with her because I was needy. I needed someone with me — a constant companion, a lover, and a friend. Sometimes that was a single person, sometimes it was multiple people. It was going to be difficult to achieve if I didn't have a girlfriend. I wondered how my relationship with Stephie would work once she came back to Chicago.

I supposed it would depend on her. Red seemed like the kind of guy who would be OK with Stephie having me as a friend without getting all bent out of shape about it. Stephie was the real question — she'd struggled mightily with her long distance relationship with Daryl. And I knew her to be a very sexual creature, which created an even bigger problem with her being away from Red for long stretches of time. I might have to lend her the vibrator from my toy bag and buy her a year's supply of batteries!

My mind came back to Becky. I'd foolishly, in hindsight, promised to take her on a date. That had done exactly what I'd been afraid it would do — give her hope that she could be my girlfriend again at some point in the future. I knew that if I did that, it would damage my relationships with Bethany and Stephanie in some way, and probably destroy any chance I had of putting things back together with Jennifer, something I sincerely wanted, and needed, to do.

Given the circumstances, a date with Becky was fraught with danger. She could never, ever, be just a casual lover, that much was certain. If we ended up in bed together, it would mean that I was making a commitment to her — a commitment that I could never consciously make. That meant putting a stop to things, and doing that before it got out of hand. There really wasn't a choice.

We pulled into the lot at Rosary and I parked Becky's car in her designated spot. I shut off the engine, put the gear selector in first, and pulled up on the parking brake. Neither of us made a move to get out of the car. The silence grew uncomfortable, and eventually Becky spoke.

"I shouldn't have asked that question," she said. "It was foolish of me. When Alyson asked, it just kind of popped out. Can we just forget I said it?"

"I don't know," I replied, speaking carefully. "My concern is that you're already two or three steps ahead. This isn't the same as when we were fifteen and you were picking out china patterns, but you're already far ahead of where I am, or even where I think I can ever be. It makes it difficult to even be your friend, because you're always waiting for the next step. And that next step may never come. In fact, it probably won't come."

"You're canceling our date, aren't you," she said, her voice full of sadness.

"I think it's best, yes," I said.

"And lunch?" she asked, on the verge of tears.

I could relent on that, I felt. Canceling the date sent the message in a strong way.

"We can still have lunch if you want," I said.

"Thanks. I blew it again, didn't I?" she said.

"No, Becky, you didn't. I did. I'm sorry I can't be what you want."

"I know," she said, getting out of the car.

I got out and walked around to hand her the keys. On impulse, I pulled her into a hug and held her for a few minutes. She snuggled into my chest and held on to me for dear life. After a bit, I released her, kissed her on the forehead, and headed back to my car. I drove home with the radio on low, lost in my thoughts. I still had a lot of work to do on myself before I could approach Jennifer, or any other girl for that matter, in an attempt to move forward.

When I arrived at the house, I found Jeremiah Brown and Jackie hunched over the drafting table in the study room working on something. They were so engrossed that they didn't notice I was there until I said 'hello'. They both jumped a bit, startled out of whatever zone they were in. Looking at them made it clear what Dave meant when he said I was 'in the zone' when I was programming. I'd just seen it applied to architecture.

"How long have you been there?" Jackie asked.

"Just a minute or so. You two were really engrossed in what you were doing. Mind if I look?"

"You can look," Jackie said.

I walked over and smiled. They had been working on a sketch of the house, with elevations.

"That's pretty cool," I said.

"Hey, Steve," Jeremiah said, offering his hand. "Jackie did most of the work, showing me how to do it."

We shook hands.

"Don't sell yourself short — you sketch better freehand than I do," Jackie said. "You just need to learn all the technical stuff. I can draw really well with the T-Square and stencils, but your freehand stuff is amazing."

"Sounds like you two had a good time," I said.

"I think I scared the hell out of him," Jackie smirked. "I told him about the exams. Ever seen a black man turn white?"

"No, I haven't," I replied, then decided to tease her. "Did you tell him YOUR cure for exams?"

"No!" she giggled. "Jeremiah, one thing you'll learn if you hang out here is that Steve is very free with his love, both the kind from his heart and the physical kind. I borrowed him from Stephie for the night to work out my frustrations!"

"Borrowed?" Jeremiah said.

"As I said, he's free with his love. He and Stephie had an agreement. I'm not the only one of the girls at the party who's been with Steve."

"What the..." he asked, looking confused.

"Forget it, Jeremiah," I said. "She's just trying to rattle your cage. Come hang out on Sundays with us and you'll find out the whole truth. Just make sure you come with an open mind."

"That's for sure," Jackie said. "The entire group is pretty open-minded. You'll hear all kinds of crazy stuff discussed."

"My dad and my pastor might object if it's as crazy as it sounds," he said.

"Yeah, my mom certainly would," I said. "But do you see her in the house? And the last pastor I had was a Roman Catholic priest when I was fourteen. It's up to you, though. The invitation is there. Every Sunday starting at 11:00am. We study on Saturdays so if you want to hang out with Jackie, or you need help with your computer classes, you're welcome to come study with us. I hope you'll come on Sundays."

Jackie couldn't let it go, though.

"Oh, and that sauna your dad built?" she smirked. "We sit in there naked!"

"You mean with a towel around you, like, but naked under that?"

"Nope! Naked as the day we were born. Like they used to say in the 60s, we let it all hang out!"

"Now I KNOW my dad and pastor would object to that! Boys and girls naked in the sauna together?" he said, shaking his head.

"Jackie," I said firmly, but calmly, "I'm going to play Kathy's part and ask you to dial it back just a bit, please."

"Sorry," Jackie replied. "Jeremiah, do you want to stay for dinner?"

"I'd like to, but I can't. Mom made it clear that I had to be home at 6:00pm sharp for dinner, so I need to head out now, anyway. Can I come by next weekend?"

"Sure. Just call me," Jackie said.

She wrote out the phone number of the main house line for him and handed it to him. She walked him to the door and was back quickly.

"You were really pushing it," I said. "I thought that kid was going to run screaming from the room!"

"Says the guy who started it!" she retorted. "But he does need to know what he's getting himself into."

"True," I agreed, nodding. "We should probably think about some ground rules for inviting new people. He's OK, obviously, because I invited him to join us back in May. But we should probably screen people before we expose them to the craziness that is the Adams' house!"

"We don't want those little baby Freshmen girls to call home to mommy and tell them that they've been naked in Steve Adams' sauna and had every orifice defiled by his amazing cock!"

I laughed, "OK, OK. I deserved that last one. I did kind of sneak that one in on you, didn't I?"

"You did. It's not something I want to do again, but it was, well, interesting."

"That's what I said the first time. I was fourteen when that happened. I've changed my mind."

"Good for you! Try it again and I'll rip it off!"

"Message received loud and clear!" I replied with a grin. "Shall we make some dinner?"

We cooked dinner together, and after we ate, cleaned up together. We followed our usual pattern of a sauna, relaxing in the Indian room, and then sleeping together. I still wasn't ready to make love, though I was certainly feeling the urges. I'd either have to give in to the desire or resolve the problem privately, something I didn't particularly enjoy.

On Thursday, after my usual morning routine, I called Bethany. I talked to her about what I'd been thinking on my drive back from Iowa, and my need to be with someone. She wasn't surprised, because she'd more or less known it all along.

"Do you want me to come see you even earlier?" she asked.

"No, it's OK. You'll be here Monday. I just wanted to talk to you about this."

"I'm not really sure what to tell you. It's a dilemma — you don't want a serious, long-term relationship right now, but you need someone to be with you. Just be careful, Steve. Really, really careful. Don't fall into something that you'll regret."

"That's exactly the concern. It's why I've just had Jackie in my bed, but we haven't fooled around."

"I'll see you in four days and we can talk more. Have you checked on Kara at all?"

"No, I don't want to call too often. The last thing I want is for her to fixate on me or lean on me for her recovery. I'm worried about that bear."

"I know a bit about that from my situation. Don't go too long between your calls, though. You seem to be able to get through to her when even Doctor Mercer can't. Or maybe it's better to say that the two of you together seem to be able to get through to Kara."

"You always give good advice, Sweetheart. I'll see you Monday."

I thought about calling Anala to set up our next dinner, but I realized that as horny as I was, that might end in a way I wasn't yet ready for. I thought about calling Rosie for a fun, no-strings romp, but decided I didn't want to encourage her. I had pretty much ruled out Candace, and she was in Florida, anyway.

Why was I so concerned about Jackie? I thought about it and realized that it was because she was going to be living with me and I wanted to avoid entanglements with her and with Elyse. The rest of the girls weren't really an issue. Was an entanglement such an issue? Perhaps now was the time, as opposed to once school started. But I questioned whether it was me or if it was the horniness thinking that. Stephie was also on my mind. I didn't want a repeat of that situation.

"You're lost in thought, Steve," Jackie said from the doorway to my room.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about everything that's going on. I talked to Bethany, and she's always helpful. She's going to be here on Monday and stay for a few days."

"I guess she'll share your bed with you. Any chance I can get some, well, attention, before she shows up?" Jackie said with a smirk.

"I was just thinking about that, actually. If you want to come in, we can make love. Nothing fancy, just make love."

She was in my room like a shot, hopping onto the bed next to me.

"I'm glad I put my diaphragm in earlier. Wishful thinking, but it paid off!" she exclaimed.

We took our time and made very slow, passionate love, both of us savoring every second. When we finished, I led Jackie to my shower, and we washed up, then dressed and went downstairs.

"Feel better?" she asked with a smile.

"I do," I replied. "That was really nice. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Will you do that the next couple of nights before Bethany comes?"

"Well, I was thinking of calling Anala and making a date for Sunday, and she usually spends the night, but otherwise, yes."

"I thought you two weren't doing that. Did something change?"

"No. She just sleeps in the same bed with me. The same as you did the last couple of nights. Also, I'm going to see if she'll stay to meet Bethany. Bethany has wanted to meet her for a long time. And you'll get to meet Anala, too."