Chapter 48: Tell Her About It

August, 1983, Georgia, Tennessee, and Kentucky

When I left Dawsonville early on Tuesday, Stephie and I kissed, though my heart wasn't in it. I'd managed to hold myself together for the five days, but by the time I got into my car and pulled away from Stephie's house, I was on the edge of losing control of my emotions. I drove a bit slower than I normally might have because I knew I was preoccupied.

Stephie had been my constant companion for nearly two years in Chicago. Even when I'd been thinking about Kara, I'd been with Stephie, and she'd been there for me when things with Kara had fallen apart. We'd talked about a future together and now it looked as if nothing would come of it, just as nothing had come of my other relationships that I had thought would last.

I sighed deeply as I crossed into Tennessee, trying to make heads or tails out of what was going on in my life. I thought about it, and decided that if I was really honest, Stephie hadn't done anything to me that I hadn't done to her. She'd come into my bed knowing that I felt Kara was my future, taking the risk that I would eventually leave her behind as I moved forward with Kara. That hadn't happened, and now, I supposed, I was reaping what I had sown. Had I committed to Stephie, this might not have happened.

Of course, it might have happened anyway. Stephie and Red had a history longer than I had with Jennifer or Karin. Looking at it that way, perhaps it was I who had borrowed Stephie from Red, and that if Rose hadn't come along, he would have convinced her to give up on Daryl and go with him. As much as it pained me to say it, maybe she really belonged with Jason Stuart.

As the miles rolled by, I thought more about the situation. I was always going to be a compromise for Stephie. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing — as Anala had said, there were things on which we could compromise and things on which we couldn't. I also wondered if Stephie really would be happy living in Chicago long-term. For her, the South was home — Dawsonville, NASCAR, Red, Old Man Jenkins' place, and her swimming hole. She'd adapted somewhat to Chicago, but in the end, she was a Southern country girl at heart.

That absolutely wasn't me. I'd come to love the big city and all that it offered, and I especially loved Chicago. I'd bought a house there and my friends were there. It had become home, and if I was going to move anywhere, it was going to be to Sweden, not Georgia. I reproved myself for rationalizing the situation, but I wondered if it really was. Was I thinking this to console myself, or was it how I really felt? I wasn't really sure.

Tennessee turned into Kentucky, and when I came to Louisville, I stopped for lunch. As I sat in Steak'n'Shake, I decided that what I needed was a friend to talk to. In fact, I needed my best friend. So when I got back into my car, I checked my atlas and found the best way to get to I-71, which would take me to Cincinnati. I started the car and put it in gear, heading to see the one person I felt could help me.

August, 1983, Milford, Ohio

Just before 5:00pm I pulled into the Krajicks' driveway. I hoped Bethany would be home, but if not, I'd head to my parents' house and see my little sister. I parked and got out of the car, and walked slowly to the front door. I rang the bell and Ed answered, quite surprised to see me.

"Is your sister here?" I asked, after we greeted each other amicably, if strained.

"She's just about to go out," he said. "Let me get her for you."

"Thanks, Ed."

A minute later Bethany was at the door, dressed in a gray skirt and fuzzy blue sweater.

"Steve?" Bethany asked, sounding both surprised and worried. "What are you doing here?"

"I need my best friend, but Ed said that you're going out."

"I'm having dinner with Kurt and Kathy. I can cancel, or you can come along."

"Actually, dinner with them sounds like a good idea. Do you think I have time to shower and change? I have clean clothes with me in the car."

"Sure. What happened?"

"I'll explain at dinner. Otherwise I'm just going to have to tell the story twice," I sighed.

I walked back to the car and grabbed the bag that had clean clothes in it, and followed Bethany upstairs. I used her shower, dressed, and was ready to go in ten minutes. We took her car and headed for Pizza Inn on Route 28.

"So Kurt's still here? I thought he was heading home."

"He decided to stay a couple of extra weeks. He's going home on Thursday. Kathy's family is really happy with him."

"He's a good guy and a good friend," I said.

Bethany parked on the side of the restaurant and we walked inside. We saw Kurt and Kathy and walked over to them.

"Look what I found," Bethany said, "A forlorn little puppy looking for some friends!"

"Uh oh," Kathy said, knowing me too well. "This can NOT be good."

"Let's sit and I'll explain," I said.

We were seated in a booth a couple of minutes later.

"This is where it all started, Kathy, remember?" I asked with a grin.

"Yes, when you and I fixed the problem we had. And that led pretty much directly to Kurt!" she said, leaning over to kiss him. "Now, spill it, Steve."

"I'm pretty sure that Stephie and I broke up this morning," I said.

"What?!" all three of my friends gasped at the same time.

"What do you mean, pretty sure?" Bethany asked.

"It's a long story, but I can sum it up. Her best friend Red asked her to go out with him last week."

"And she said 'yes'?" Kathy asked.

"No. She wanted to talk to me before she decided," I said.

"And she told you she was going to say 'yes'?" Bethany said.

"No. But she stayed in Dawsonville to think about it. She'll come back to Chicago in a week or two."

"So you didn't actually break up?" Kurt asked.

"No, but I think that it's just a technicality. We talked a lot, we made love even more, and when I left, she told me I was the best friend anyone could have and she'd never stop loving me."

"Ouch," Kurt said. "Yeah, I see what you mean."

"Wait a minute!" Bethany said. "Isn't it too late for her to get into the dorms at IIT? What is she going to do?"

"I told her straight up when she told me Red had asked her out not to worry about that. If she decides that she wants to be with Red, then I'm going to turn my study back into a bedroom, and it's hers to use for as long as she wants or needs. If not, then she sleeps in my room with me."

"It's that simple?" she asked.

"Why not? I'm upset, which is why I came to see you, Sweetheart. But I'm determined not to freak out or anything. When she first told me I had the same flight response that I had when Kara walked out on me. I fought it hard and stayed and talked to her. I even had a good talk with Red and we went to the race together."

"Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?" Bethany teased.

"He is remarkably calm, isn't he, Bethany?" Kathy asked.

"So what are you going to do, Steve?" Bethany asked.

"Nothing until she comes back to Chicago and we talk," I replied.

"No, I mean, if you're right about her decision."

"What can I do except move forward? Just as I've done each time this has happened before. But you know what? This time it's my fault, and my fault alone."

"What do you mean?" Kathy asked.

"Think about what I did to Stephie. I started a relationship with her while Kara and I were planning our future. I broke up with Stephie last December so that I could propose to Kara. Amazingly, Stephie took me back. She tolerated me having Jennifer and Karin visit, and me visiting Karin and Sofia in Sweden. Why did she do that? I didn't give her my heart the way she wanted me to. Is it any surprise that when the guy she's known since she was two, who was her first kiss, and who would have been her first lover if Rose hadn't interfered, that she was tempted to go with him?"

"Well, when you put it that way," Kathy said, "I guess I see how you would blame yourself."

"I've done it before, Kathy. It's a pattern. I've lost girls because I failed to give them my heart. And I think that's because I'm afraid to do it. Ever since Birgit, I've been afraid to do it. And it's cost me. It cost me Jennifer. It cost me Kara. It's cost me you, Bethany."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. I believe that's the source of our problems. It's not you. It's not what happened in the past between us. It's me. It's always been me. If you'll forgive me mentioning her, it cost me Becky and caused all the problems with her. It's caused all the problems with Karin. Someday, it'll ruin everything with every girl I know."

"Are you sure that's the answer?" Bethany asked. "Are you sure that's what the root of the problem is? Perhaps there's something even deeper."

"Maybe," I said. "Let's eat, and you and I can talk later."

The rest of the evening, we avoided talking about my relationships and I had an enjoyable time with my friends. Kathy and I hugged, and I shook hands with Kurt and told them that I'd see them in Chicago in a few weeks. Bethany and I went back to her house. She made some lemon tea, and we went to the basement.

"How long are you staying and where are you sleeping?" Bethany asked.

"I suppose I'll go back to Chicago on Thursday. That way, you and I have some time to talk this out. As for where I'm sleeping, I suppose I should call Trudy Spencer and let her know I'm coming over."

"My parents would let you sleep here if you wanted, I'm sure."

"No, I don't want to impose on them. You're welcome to come with me, if you want."

"Are you asking me to go to bed with you?" Bethany asked.

"All I'm asking you for is your friendship, Sweetheart. If you want to come with me, that's fine. If not, then I'll come by tomorrow after I see my sister. If you do, hopefully the sauna's available and we can use it, and then we can share the bed. Bring a sleep shirt if you want. I'm not asking you for anything except friendship right now."

"What's wrong, Steve?" Bethany said, touching my arm.

"I've managed to bottle up all the emotion, all the drama, if you will, and I've done my best to behave rationally. I don't want to do anything stupid, Bethany. I did that when Jennifer told me about Seattle. My emotions are pulling me that way and I can't stand it!"

"A rebound. That's your concern!"

"Yes, absolutely. It's why I came here. To you. You can help me, Sweetheart. Only you."

"Not Jennifer?" she asked. "I mean, forget that she's in Seattle."

"No. It's far too risky. If I was with her, I'd want to make love to her. And if we did, under these circumstances, it could ruin everything and even destroy our friendship."

"But not me?" she asked.

"You can make your own decision, Bethany, but I think you understand me and you won't act on pure desire the way Jennifer and I would."

"So I'm safe?" she said, clearly annoyed.

"That's not what I meant! Shit! I can't even think straight right now. Maybe I should just go to Melanie's and be alone."

"No, you shouldn't. You call Mrs. Spencer and I'll go pack a bag. With a sleep shirt."

I nodded and went upstairs to the kitchen to use the phone. Trudy was surprised to hear from me, but told me that I was always welcome and didn't need to ask. I let her know Bethany would be coming with me and that we'd be there within the hour. When I hung up, I dialed my sister's number and told her to expect me for breakfast.

"Is Stephie with you?" she asked.

"No. I'll explain in the morning."

"Are you OK, Steve?"

"Yes. I'm with Bethany. We're going to the Spencers' now."

"OK. I'm worried about you, Big Brother. You wouldn't show up unexpectedly without something being wrong."

"It's OK," I replied. "I'll see you in the morning. Let Dad know."

"I will."

I realized that I should call Stephie and let her know where I was, because I'd planned to call her when I got to Chicago. I pulled my address book from my pocket and looked up her number in Dawsonville and dialed it. Stephie answered on the first ring.

"You're back safe in Chicago?" she asked.

"I'm in Milford. When I got to Louisville, I decided to come here instead."

"To see Bethany, right?" she asked.

"I actually had dinner with Bethany, Kathy, and Kurt. He's still in Milford."

"Is everything OK?" she asked with concern in her voice.

"Yes. I came here so that I could talk to Bethany. If I went back to Chicago, I'd have been alone."

"I'm so sorry, Yankee!" she said, stifling a sob.

"Peaches, that wasn't meant to hurt you, just that I needed a friend to talk to and there isn't anyone in Chicago."

"OK. I'll call you when I'm coming. Will you pick me up at the airport?"

"Of course!" I said.

We said 'goodbye'. For the first time in a long time, we hadn't ended our calls with an expression of love, further confirming my feeling about her decision. I sat down at the table to wait, and Bethany came in a few minutes later. She said that she'd told her mom where we'd be and that she was ready to go. We walked out to my car and drove the five minutes to the Spencers'. Pete and Melanie were sitting in the living room. Melanie jumped up and came and hugged me.

"What's wrong, Steve? You were supposed to be going back to Chicago with Stephie!"

"It's a long story, Melanie. The situation is kind of up in the air. I just need a sauna and some sleep. I promise I'll explain everything tomorrow."

She looked like she was about to say something, but the look on both Bethany's and my faces told her not to. She went back to sit with Pete. Bethany and I said hello to Trudy, who was in the kitchen baking cookies, and then went up to my room. I went to the master bathroom and turned on the sauna, and then came back to my room to undress.

Bethany and I put on robes, then went to the sauna. I ladled enough water to fill the room with steam onto the rocks, then we sat down close together on the upper bench. I sighed deeply, then inhaled the hot, moist air. Bethany took my hand, and we sat quietly for at least ten minutes while I let the steam work its magic.

"Bethany, at dinner, were you getting at my core contradiction?" I asked.

"Yes. It traces to two things and we've talked about them before."