Chapter 38: Jennifer

July, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

After Rosie left, I stripped the sheets from my bed, as well as the cover of the duvet, and tossed everything into the washing machine. I lit a lavender candle in the room, and then swept and dusted. I did a quick spot-check of the rest of the house and noticed that the tub in the sauna needed to be cleaned. I scrubbed it, then mopped the sauna floor with a damp sponge mop.

I finished cleaning the sauna about the time the washing machine finished, so I moved the sheets and stuff to the dryer and then grabbed my book to read. I was about two-thirds of the way through Atlas Shrugged and saw quite a few parallels between her writing and things I heard from my left-leaning friends. In the end, it seemed that Rand's analysis of the problem was fairly accurate — the 'looters' and 'moochers' living off the fruits of other people's hard work. The solution suggested — dropping out and disappearing — didn't seem practical, nor would it work, barring the invention of a Star Trek-style cloaking shield that people could hide under as well as a device that created effectively unlimited 'free' energy.

The real problem in my mind stemmed from unfettered democracy. The US Constitution tried to mitigate the worst problems by severely limiting what could be done, even by majorities. Sadly, the trend was to reinterpret the document so as to effectively gut it. The Supreme Court had, on numerous occasions, expanded federal power far beyond anything that the Constitution actually permitted, and had gone so far as to claim that the Constitution prohibited the states from setting up their legislative system identical to the way the federal government was set up. That kind of double-think made my head spin.

I sighed and put the book down so that I could get the stuff from the dryer. As I folded the sheets to put them away, I thought of the other dystopian books I'd read over the years — Nineteen Eighty-Four, Animal Farm, Brave New World and Lord of the Flies. I wondered if there was a solution to the problem, and the more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that Jefferson had been right — that the tree of liberty could only be fertilized with the blood of patriots and tyrants, and that had to happen every few decades.

When I finished folding the laundry and putting the cover back on the duvet, I made myself some lunch and ate standing at the island in the kitchen. I checked the clock, and I had just enough time to clean up before leaving for the airport to get Jennifer. I cleaned up and went to change clothes, then headed out to my car.

At O'Hare, I checked the arrival board and saw that Jennifer's flight was delayed by about fifteen minutes. I passed through the metal detectors and walked leisurely to the gate. I'd brought a book with me to read, so I settled into a chair for what looked to be a thirty-minute wait because I had been about twenty minutes early when I walked into the terminal. I opened The Seven Storey Mountain and began to read where I'd left off on the plane back from Sweden. I read a couple of pages, then hit a quote that made me stop reading and simply stare at the page.

I read and reread that sentence perhaps a dozen times. I closed the book and simply stared out the window at the tarmac, barely registering the planes that were moving about on the runways, taxiways, and ramps. If Merton was right, I'd been approaching my life exactly backwards. I was so absorbed in thinking about that quote that I didn't hear the loudspeaker announcing Jennifer's flight. I had been oblivious to everything around me until I felt a hand shaking my shoulder.

"Steve!" Jennifer Block said loudly.

I shook my head to clear it and stood up and hugged Jennifer tightly. We exchanged a quick kiss and happy pleasantries, then headed to the baggage claim to get her bag.

"What the hell were you thinking about that had you so preoccupied?" she asked.

"This book," I said, holding it up. "It's written by a Roman Catholic monk about his spiritual journey. The quote I just read rocked me to my core."

"Should we talk about it?" she asked.

"That and a whole lot of other stuff," I replied.

We went to the baggage claim and waited about fifteen minutes, mostly in silence, for Jennifer's bag to appear on the belt. When her bag passed, I grabbed it and we walked out to the car and headed for Hyde Park. On the way, we talked about what we'd do for the next week. She'd be going home on Thursday of next week, and neither of us had any specific things we wanted to do except spend time together, though we did agree that we'd go see Octopussy, the Bond flick that had come out a few weeks earlier.

When we pulled up in front of the house to park, Jennifer's eyes grew wide.

"No way!" she said.

I chuckled, "You aren't the first person to have that reaction, Jen!"

"I guess I kind of envisioned a brownstone walkup, you know, like in the old parts of Cincinnati. I know you told me about this, but it's overwhelming."

"Wait until you see the inside!" I said.

I grabbed Jennifer's bag from the back of the car and we walked up the steps to the house. I unlocked the door and let her walk in first. We spent the next fifteen minutes walking around the house and Jennifer's expression continued to show amazement at every turn, dropping her bag in my room when we walked through it. The elevator really blew her mind, at least until we got to the basement.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed after seeing the sauna. "This is unbelievable! I always knew you would be successful, but damn, Steve!"

"Remember, my dad had a LOT to do with this. He put up the cash. I've made exactly one monthly payment to him so far. Yes, the deed is in both our names, but you know me — I realize that the house really belongs to my dad right now."

"That's only a technicality and you know it, Steve! It's no different from if you had a mortgage, though I don't think your dad would foreclose on you!"

"Missing a payment would be so personally devastating that I can't even think about that, Jen!"

"That's you, through and through. So, what's the plan for today, then?"

"I planned to make dinner for around 6:00pm if that's OK. I figured we'd go to the movie tomorrow night, so we can spend some time talking today."

"Do you still do your best talking after sex?" she asked with an arched eyebrow and a sly smile.

I chuckled, "Yeah, I think so." Then I became more serious and said, "But we need to talk about that, too."

Jennifer sighed, "Shit. I was afraid that was going to be the case. Do you know how bad I want it?"

"And you think I don't? But remember our last conversation in the apartment?" I said.

"I do. And I still think the same way. It's just all this pent-up desire that I've had since that day in Milford."

"I know. But let's talk, OK? I have a lot I need to talk to you about, and honestly, sex is pretty low on the list in terms of importance."

"Maybe to you, Buster!" she declared. "But in all seriousness, I understand. Is being in the sauna together going to be an issue?"

"Not for me, but from the way you sound, it might be for you."

"I'll be fine. I guess maybe I was premature in leaving my bag in your room."

"I didn't read anything at all into that. Let's just take things one step at a time. We've slept in the same bed together without having sex. We can do it again, if that's where we are."

She sighed deeply, "Yes, that's true. I guess I just assumed that because you called this a 'second date', we'd be together that way, given we were on our 'first date'."

"I had intended that, yes. But a lot has changed since then."

"Oh, shit! You and Stephie are committed? You're getting engaged?" she said, her voice full of despair.

"Jennifer Lynn Block! Don't you think I would have told you about that?"

"No, I don't! You sure as hell didn't tell me about getting engaged to Kara!"

I blew out a long breath and leaned back against the wall. She was right. I hadn't said anything to her beforehand. She had every right to think that was the problem. I was being a total shithead, as Joyce used to say.

"I'm sorry. That is NOT what is going on. Not even close. It's totally about me and my problems and concerns. I am not even thinking in terms of marriage at the moment. This whole thing is totally getting off on the wrong track. Can we just rewind about two minutes and start this conversation over?"

She laughed, "I did jump to a conclusion that I shouldn't have. Sorry about that!"

"Let's go sit upstairs. We can sit in the sunroom or the Indian room, as I call it."

"The one with the pillows and the idols? Let's go in there. It looks super comfy, especially those basket chairs."

"OK. I'll make some tea and then we can go sit and talk."

We went to the kitchen, and I set the kettle on the stove to boil. When it whistled, I poured the water into the teapot, put the tea ball in to steep and then carried the pot and a pair of mugs with us to the Indian room. We sat in the basket chairs with our tea.

Jennifer sighed wistfully, "I was just thinking how I could have been living here if I hadn't been so foolish."

"It wasn't just you who was foolish and made mistakes. But that's all in the past now. Let's focus on the future. We already know we're pretty good at making mistakes. Let's concentrate on how to not make the same ones in the future."

"So tell me about this quote you read that had you completely preoccupied," she said.

"Actually, that quote just kind of brought things together — my conversations with Anala, Karin, Sofia and my sister. You know how badly I've been hurt in relationships, and how I've reacted to them."

"I do; I'm a big part of that issue. I hurt you badly, as did Kara and Becky, though that was a very different thing. And the whole thing with Birgit was way beyond any of that. Now you're trying to avoid being hurt."

"Exactly. Karin pointed out that my thinking about letting Stephie win by inertia was simply a way to avoid commitment in an attempt to avoid being hurt. She said that I was thinking that if I just let things flow along, that somehow fate would ignore the situation and let it end happily.

Anala agreed with that assessment, plus identified what she thinks is my core problem — that I have very contradictory views on things, and that I need to figure out my core being before I do anything else. The quote blew me away because it said that by trying to avoid being hurt, I was going to be hurt more and suffer more than if I didn't try to avoid it."

"Whoa. That's deep. So, like, by accepting hurt and suffering, you actually suffer less? That's kind of counter-intuitive, don't you think?"

"That's why it blew me away. It reminds me of the 'tar baby' from the Uncle Remus story. When I was little, I had this Disney book that had a 45RPM record with it that read you the story. In the story, Br'er Rabbit got caught in the tar baby and the more he struggled, the more he was caught. That's where I am with the pain and suffering that I've had with my relationships."

"Did you honestly believe that you could trick Fate or the universe or God or whatever by pretending you weren't serious with Stephie? That's just foolish, Steve. I don't think you're fooling anyone, except perhaps yourself."

"Well, that makes it fucking unanimous," I sighed. "I guess I'm so afraid of being hurt again that I've done what Karin accused me of doing — closed and locked my heart to prevent anyone from getting in."

"Is THAT why you're keeping me at arm's length, Steve Adams? Because you're afraid you'll get hurt?"

"I suspect that's true," I said quietly. "Certainly the people who know me best think so."

"But what do you think? What the rest of us think doesn't matter a whole lot."

"I don't know what to think. I'm confused as hell. The solution I see is so counter-intuitive, as you said, that I'm not sure I can really wrap my head around it. It just doesn't make sense that avoiding suffering causes more suffering."

"Years ago, we talked about your problem with trying to avoid hurting people. Remember what caused that?"

I nodded, "Yes. By trying to avoid hurting you, I hurt you worse than if I'd just been straight with you from the beginning."

"And that makes sense to you. So why is the concept from your book so difficult to grasp?"

"Because I'm fucking sick and tired of being hurt!" I said forcefully.

"Didn't you once tell me about something you said to Becky after Birgit died? About life being suffering?"

"Yeah, I was thinking back to that whole conversation with Becky. Actually, to everything that happened five years ago."

"You made me wait FOREVER to have sex. Just like now!" she teased.

"Jen," I said softly, "please stop. I get it. You want to make love. Just let it be, please."

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"I did tell Becky about something that one of my teachers said, that there is a Russian proverb that more or less comes down to matching what I said — 'Life is Suffering'. I remember telling Becky that I couldn't give either of you what you wanted and needed back then. Here I am, five years later, saying the same damned thing to several girls. It's almost like I've made no progress at all."

"That's not true by any stretch of anyone's imagination!" Jennifer protested vehemently. "From everything I've seen, you're turning into an amazing man. Someone I want to be close to, no matter what. Someone I could easily spend my life with. That wasn't you before. Remember the discussion about the promise ring and engagement? Do you know why I turned you down?"

"I think so, but tell me," I replied.

"Because you weren't ready for that. You aren't ready for that now. Pushing things with Kara the way you did was a mistake, just as it would have been pushing things when we were Sophomores."

"Karin said the same thing about Kara," I said softly.

"That should tell you something, then. I bet Bethany, Stephanie, and Joyce had similar things to say. You aren't the same little boy I fell in love with six years ago. You aren't the same young man that took me back to his bed two years ago. You aren't quite yet the man you need to be, but you're getting closer. I wonder if you're using the right criteria to evaluate yourself."