Chapter 22: The Best Laid Plans

April 1983, Chicago, Illinois

I arrived home just before 8:00pm to find Stephie and Elyse sitting on the couch watching TV. Stephie jumped up and hugged me and gave me a quick kiss. Elyse got up more slowly and hugged me once Stephie had released me. I poured myself a cup of tea and sat down with the girls to show them the drawing of the basement that my dad had given me.

"That sauna is huge!" Elyse said.

"It has to fit all of us. Roughly, I'd say you could put twenty-four people in there, though it would be a bit crowded."

"And this is a tub?" Stephie said.

"Yeah, big enough for two, according to my dad, but my little sister said that it needed to be bigger."

"For you and who else?" Elyse teased.

"Everyone!" Stephie giggled. "You don't think he's only going to use that with you and me, do you?"

"Katy!" Elyse said, laughing.

"Elyse," I said, putting my hand on her arm, "please don't go there. I just got Katy comfortable being around me."

"Sorry, but that is going to be a sight to see. She won't be able to keep her hands off you!"

"Yes, she will. Now drop it, please."

Elyse frowned for a moment, but then the sour look passed. Stephie asked about Kara.

"She's in really bad shape emotionally and mentally. I suggested counseling to Kara's mom, and I hope she gets Kara to do it."

"Well, that removes that as a worry," Stephie said. "One down, 2.3 billion to go!"

"Stephie, even I'm not that good!" I teased.

"So, what's the next step?" she asked. "I mean, about the house?"

"Tomorrow I'm going to call some contractors to bid on the construction and ask them to meet me there on Thursday. I'll check the Yellow Pages tonight and pick five that look good and are close. The tough part will be the sauna, or worse, most likely, getting all the permits and inspections. I should have the plans by Wednesday."

"It's going to be just you and me in that huge house for a bit, isn't it?" Stephie asked.

"Both before Sweden, and after the race. I don't know when Julia, Katy, Jackie, Cindi, or Elyse will be back yet, or if all of them will move in or not."

"You're going to need a ton of furniture for that place, Steve!" Elyse said.

"I plan to buy it over time. For the attic room, I just plan a bunch of throw pillows to go with the benches. The main thing we need up there is a stereo. For the basement, a pool table and a couple of stools, though I suppose the pool table can wait. If you notice on the drawing, there's a wet bar over in the corner here. Our furniture from here will do for the short term, though we'll need a nice big dining room table, and beds, dressers, and stuff for the guest bedrooms in the basement."

"And you can afford all that stuff?" she asked.

"Between what I have saved, what you guys are going to pay in rent, and what I earn from my computer work, I'll be fine. I already have a segregated account that has enough money for two more years at IIT, including room and board, and I won't touch for anything else, no matter what. I haven't really touched the money from selling my business, either. So I'm in pretty good shape."

I stood up and went to retrieve the Yellow Pages, then returned and sat down. I looked up remodeling companies and construction contractors and picked five likely candidates, all on the South Side. I'd call in the morning before we left for school. I also needed to call the real estate agent and arrange for the Thursday afternoon visit to let the contractors see the basement so they could bid the job.

I excused myself so that I could call Jennifer and spent about fifteen minutes talking to her. I filled her in on Kara and she expressed serious concern, as had all my friends. After I hung up, I went to get Stephie, and we headed to bed. Once we were in bed, Stephie made it clear what she wanted.

"I ain't had no lovin' for three days! You better not be too tired, Yankee!"

"I'm not, but what are you going to do during June and July?" I teased.

"Dream! Now quit talking and love me, Steve!" her accent suddenly disappearing.

I got a good dose of peach juice before we made love twice and fell asleep spooned together.

On Monday morning, after breakfast and exercise, I called the five companies I'd selected. Four of the five said they'd have an estimator available on Thursday afternoon. The other company could have one there on Wednesday or Friday, but they were booked for Thursday. I told them I'd call them back if I needed them.

I called the real estate agent and made the arrangements. He told me that the paperwork was all in order and that everything was set for April 22, which was less than three weeks away. I typed up and printed out a bid sheet like I had talked about with my dad. Finally, I called the architectural firm. They said the plans were scheduled to arrive on Tuesday morning, they would sign and stamp them, and I could pick them up anytime on Wednesday. They'd call if there were any issues.

Class seemed to fly by on Monday for some reason. I was happy about that and wondered if that was going to be the norm now that I had important things going on outside of school. After MIS class, Julia told me that she'd talked to her parents and they told her that they might be OK with her moving in, but wanted to talk to my dad before they gave final approval.

"My dad? Why?" I asked.

"To be sure that everything is on the up and up. I guess they just want to make sure I'm really going to have a place to stay for the whole year, because if I don't reserve a dorm room, I might have trouble getting one later."

"That makes sense. I suppose they're just looking out for you."

I wrote down my dad's name and number and gave it to Julia. I told her I'd warn my dad about the call.

When I arrived home that evening, I called Nancy Blanchard to make sure that she had talked to Doctor Mercer. She said that she had, and that Doctor Mercer had set up an early appointment so that Kara and Nancy would both be able to make it to work on time. Doctor Mercer had worked with me the same way, so I wasn't surprised by that. Kara's first appointment was scheduled for Wednesday morning.

"Do you want to say hello to Kara?" Nancy asked.

"Sure," I Said.

A moment later, Kara came to the phone.

"Hi, Kara," I said gently.

"Hi, Steve. I'm scared!" she said.

"I know, Honey," I said, trying to soothe her. "You'll be fine. Just make sure you tell Doctor Mercer everything."

"Everything?" she asked nervously.

"Yes, Honey, everything."

"Do I have to?" she asked softly.

"Yes, Kara, you do. Just hug your bear and think of me. You can do it."

"OK," she said. "For you, I can do it."

"Good. Sleep well, Kara!"

"You too," she said.

I hung up. That brief conversation confirmed for me, as if I needed confirmation, that Kara was in really, really bad shape. I hoped that Doctor Mercer could at least get her back to functioning again. I wondered how she managed to work in the state she was in. I'd have to ask Nancy when I called on Wednesday to check and make sure she'd gone to the appointment.

I decided to call Bethany because I hadn't talked to her in a while. She was doing OK and when she asked how I was doing, I sighed and described what had happened with Kara. Bethany was very concerned, but I reassured her that Kara was going to see Doctor Mercer. She urged me to call Nancy Blanchard on Wednesday and I said I'd already planned to do that. Bethany offered to come visit, but I told her I'd see her after school was out, and suggested she stop by for a few days on her way home.

After I hung up, I walked back into the living room, fairly depressed about what had happened to the girl I'd planned to marry.

"What's wrong?" Stephie said, clearly seeing something in my face.

"I'm just really worried about Kara," I said distractedly. "It's like she just kind of checked-out on the world. I'm not sure how she functions at work."

"Do you need to be with her?" Stephie asked quietly.

I snapped back to where I was.

"No, Stephie. That's not what I'm saying. I care about what happens to Kara because of what we had together, but all of that is gone. Right now, there's nothing left of the Kara I knew, and maybe there never will be."

"What the fuck happened?" Stephie said with frustration. "Something really bad must have happened that you aren't telling us about!"

"I can't say. It's a private matter for Kara. I have some responsibility for what happened, but I wasn't directly involved. I'm sorry, Peaches, that's as much as I can tell you."

She frowned slightly, most likely because she wasn't pleased with me keeping secrets from her, but this was one of those things that I simply couldn't talk to her about. In fact, I could only talk to a couple of people about it, and even then, I felt dirty, like I was violating Kara's trust. Stephie wouldn't like that, but I hoped that she would understand.

I thought back to a conversation that I'd had with Joyce many years before, when she's told me that I was too honest at times. Despite my thinking that Joyce was part of the current problem, the advice was sound. There were some things I just had to keep to myself, or, keep to a few of my most trusted confidantes. Stephie was usually one of those, but in this case, she was too close to the situation.

I had shared with Jennifer because I needed her advice and experience with what Kara might be feeling about a same-sex relationship. I had shared with Sofia because I trusted her advice and she was far removed from the situation. I had shared it with Kathy reluctantly, when she'd taken me for a walk after my small blowup with Joyce. I couldn't share it with Stephie, who shared my apartment, and more importantly, my bed, with me. Even if she ended up my life partner, I couldn't share this with Stephie.

Stephie looked like she was about to say something, but I simply shook my head slightly, letting her know that I couldn't talk to her about this, that it was simply something that was beyond where I could go. She paused, then slowly nodded.

"If you need to talk about it," she said softly, "I'll be here to listen."

"So, what are you going to do?" Elyse asked.

"There's isn't much I can do. She needs professional help, and I arranged for that. I'll want to see her when we go to Milford in May, of course. I hope you're OK with that, Peaches."

"Of course, Yankee. You care about your friends. I guess she's still your friend."

"Yes, she is. A friend. And you're my main girl, and I have no desire to change that."

"Thanks, Yankee," she said softly.

"I need to go make dinner."

"OK."

I went to the kitchen and started working on dinner. The girls started on homework, which left me alone with my thoughts. I went back over my relationship with Kara, trying to figure out where I'd gone so horribly wrong. I kept coming back to the conversation that she and I had about limits and how I should have drawn a clear line for her. What I hadn't realized was just how fragile Kara was, and the tightrope she was walking between her life before that first day in chemistry class and last Christmas.

Had there been signs that I had missed? I was sure that there were. What lesson could I learn from what had happened? At a minimum, I had to pay more attention and watch for any signs of discomfort. My mind went to Katy and her discomfort with the situation. She had a clearly drawn line, but one that several of my friends felt she would cross if I simply asked. In a sense, it was just like Kara, though I felt that Katy was in a much better place. But who could predict how she'd react to crossing a line she should never cross?

I looked at my other relationships and wondered if there were any similar issues, even if they were masked. Stephie had her clear, bright line that I'd never ask her to cross — the very line that Kara HAD crossed. I had my own bright lines as well, and refusing to cross them, even when tempted to do so by Trudy, had saved me from a world of heartache and the potential destruction of everything I held dear.

All of that reminded me of the incident with Becky where I had stupidly crossed a line I had vowed never to cross. If I learned anything from that, it was that keeping on the correct side of the line was the key to a happy, successful, and productive life. That took me back to the limits that Frank had drawn, and my desire to be involved in things that were exciting, but dangerous. He was right. There were some lines I shouldn't cross.

As I was thinking about things like honor, duty, love, and relationships, I remembered that I had a meeting with Anala the next day. She had taken me down a path of spiritual self-discovery and I was finding it easier to look at myself and figure out why I felt the way I did, what I should do, and who I should be. She and I had taken a big step last week, symbolically washing away our past and stepping into a new future. What that future was, I had no idea.

The path I was on had no clear destination, though I was sure of some waypoints along the way — graduation, work, marriage, children. The path had really begun with a simple request from Jennie McGrath in May of '77. She'd asked my mom if I could do some yardwork for her. That request had led directly to my first real sexual encounter and set off a chain of events that nobody could have predicted.

Although I wasn't making any commitments, I was being careful not to close any doors, either. I understood that the life partner I ended up with might be someone I hadn't even met, or it could be someone I didn't expect. First it was Birgit, then Jennifer, then Bethany, and finally, Kara. In each case, Fate had intervened to derail my plans. The question was, how could I defeat Fate?

I'd created three of the four situations by failing in some major way, though the first one had been completely out of my control. With Jennifer, I'd made so many mistakes I couldn't even begin to count them. With Bethany, I had focused so much on making sure she was comfortable and ready to have sex that I'd ignored the budding relationship and probably doomed it by doing so. With Kara, I'd made a number of mistakes, including my major failing — cheating on her with Becky.

I'd set things up now so that I could pretty much be with anyone without it being cheating, which, given how I usually behaved, was a good thing. I was lucky to have someone in Stephie who could, because of the circumstances we found ourselves in, accept that I wasn't monogamous with her. Most of the girls I considered as possibilities were going to demand monogamy from me, or, at a minimum, a cessation of the relationship with my sister. If THAT was a blocking point, then my asking Jennifer on a second date was the clearest step on the path.

But then, my sister herself had said she thought I might end up with someone who couldn't accept that she and I were together, and our relationship would end. That would certainly be true with Stephie, Karin, or Tatyana, and, of course, Kara. But that last one was so far outside the realm of possibility anymore that I felt Jennifer and I had an infinitely better chance, even taking into account all the baggage that she and I had to overcome.

There were still impediments for most, if not all, the girls — Tatyana's career, Stephie's intent to move from Chicago where I thought I would stay, Karin's distance, Anala's religion, and so on. None of them were insurmountable, but some of them would require significant changes on both our parts to work. I would have to ask myself, where could I compromise and where would I have to hold firm?

I didn't know the answer to that question, but it was one I had to answer before I could make any kind of commitment to anyone. What it meant was I had to decide who I was, what my values were, what I wanted for myself and what I was willing to compromise on. That was a tall order, but one Anala was helping me with. And one that was being fleshed out on Sunday afternoons.