Chapter 16: Spring Break, 1983

March 1983, Boston, Massachusetts

As I winged my way to Boston on Saturday morning, I was having a tough time figuring out what to get Kara for her upcoming birthday, which was just a little over two weeks away. Just finding the right 'friend' card was going to be tough, because I didn't want to send her something romantic, nor something funny. In the end, I decided to send her a small stuffed bear. I felt it set the right tone, because it was from me, and she had called me 'Snuggle Bear' for most of our relationship. The message I wanted to send was that I wanted her to remember me, in the hopes that someday we would talk. I wasn't holding my breath.

I was happy to have two empty seats next to me, and nobody disturbed me, except the stewardess who refilled my coffee cup, which was something I wanted. Being away from both Chicago and Milford was good — perhaps a new city would give me a new perspective. I suddenly remembered the girl I'd met in Sweden — Flo Major — who lived in Gloucester, not far from Boston. I hadn't heard from her in a couple of years, our letter writing petering out by the time I had graduated from High School. I wondered what she was up to, but then quickly put her out of my mind given I was flying eastward to be with Tatyana.

My entire relationship with her was an enigma. Tatyana was the most logical and practical of all the girls I'd been with, coolly analyzing the situation and showing almost no emotion, except during very private times. I realized that she had the demeanor of a diplomat, or a card sharp — her face gave away nothing in public, and only slightly more in private. I wondered if she really felt that I would change my views on communism, or if she had some other plan hidden behind her poker face.

I fully expected to get an earful from her about something that President Reagan had said on Tuesday — calling the Soviet Union an 'Evil Empire' in a speech to the National Association of Evangelicals. While the venue was one I wished he had avoided, he was correct in his objection to the Soviet belief in the supremacy of the State and its omnipotence over the individual. I agreed wholeheartedly with him on that point. Governments had only delegated powers and no rights, and only exercised just powers by the consent of the governed, and those powers had to be severely limited in scope. And that was something that Tatyana could not abide if she was going to be a Soviet diplomat.

Ultimately, that was what was going to break us up, even if I stayed single until she graduated from whatever diplomatic school she was going to attend in Moscow, which would be in '88 or '89. If I thought there was some real possibility, then I could see myself waiting for her, but unless something dramatic happened, Tatyana and I were at a dead-end. I was reasonably sure her father realized it, and I was sure that the ever-logical, cool-thinking Tatyana realized it; I just didn't know how she planned to deal with it.

As we began our descent into Logan Airport, I wondered if I should raise my concerns with Tatyana or simply let everything continue until something forced the issue. I certainly wasn't going to make any commitments to anyone before I graduated from college, which was still more than two years away. I liked being with Tatyana and enjoyed seeing her father and Colonel Anisimova. I didn't want to give up any of that before I had to.

Nor did I want to end the intimate side of my relationship with the 'beautiful Russian girl', as she called herself. I didn't feel bad about that because Tanya herself had made it clear that she wasn't interested in engagement or marriage before graduation, and that she knew we had many obstacles in our way. As the wheels touched the tarmac, I felt energized, and I was looking forward to my week with Tatyana.

I had intentionally packed a bag that was exactly the right size for a carry-on and had managed to get a weeks' worth of clothes into it. I had also taken advantage of the half-full flight to bring a suit bag onto the plane and hang it in the closet near the exit door. That saved me from having to go to the baggage claim, so when Tatyana greeted me Russian-style at the gate, we walked directly outside to the waiting black, chauffeur-driven Lincoln town car. It had standard 'Livery' plates which made it hired, not diplomatic. Even alone here in Boston, Tatyana's rank had clear privileges.

About thirty minutes later, we arrived at the building on Ross Street where Tatyana's apartment was located. The first thing I noticed was a doorman, which, along with the expensive-looking lobby, told me that this was a luxury condo, not a simple apartment. I'd suspected that would be the case, and when we took the elevator up to the 3rd floor and walked into her apartment, my suspicions were fully confirmed. Tatyana's condo was the same size as my apartment, but had only one bedroom, and the great room included a fireplace, where a fire was already burning.

"This is a very nice place, Tanya," I said. "Much nicer than mine."

"Thank you, but flat you have in Chicago is very nice. I like being there with you."

"And I like being here with you!"

"Please put things in my room, Stepa," she directed.

I carried my bag and suit bag to the bedroom, hanging my suit bag in the closet and putting my carry-on bag on the floor of the closet, then went back out to the great room. Tatyana beckoned me to sit next to her and handed me a glass of tea in a silver holder, very similar to the set my dad had found for me.

"What do you wish to do this week, Stepa?" Tanya asked.

"Just be with you," I said. "That's why I came here."

"Nothing you wish to see in Boston? Perhaps house where Paul Revere lived? Perhaps famous ship USS Constitution?"

"Those would be fine, we'll do whatever you want, Tanya."

"You wished to make love in front of fire," she said with an inviting smile. "Shall we?"

I nodded, and we both set down our glasses of tea and moved to the plush rug in front of the fireplace. An hour later, we got up and went to the large shower and rinsed off the sweat and other signs of lovemaking. When we finished, we put on robes that she had hanging in the bathroom, then went to the kitchen to make lunch. When we finished lunch, we went for a walk around the neighborhood and then around the Harvard campus.

When we returned to the condo, I suggested a bubble bath in the large tub I'd seen in the bathroom. Tanya smiled and led me to the bathroom where we undressed and got into the tub. She set the temperature on the water and poured some cherry blossom bubble bath into the stream from the tap. She leaned back in my arms and sighed deeply.

"Is good idea, Stepa. I like very much!" she said.

"I like it, too, Tanya," I said, kissing her neck while my hands gently roamed over her body.

When the tub was full, Tanya shut off the tap and then snuggled close to me again. It wasn't quite a sauna, but it was relaxing and calming. I also very much enjoyed holding a beautiful, naked Russian girl in my arms. Tanya clearly enjoyed being in my arms as well, and I hoped we'd do this several more times during the week.

When we got out of the tub, we showered, dressed, and then went back to the great room to have some tea.

"What shall we do for dinner? We can go to shop and buy food, or go to restaurant."

"Let's go out to dinner tonight, but the rest of the week, I'd prefer to shop and cook for us."

"We go to have seafood tonight. Is fun restaurant name of Legal Seafood."

"That sounds great," I said.

We had a wonderful lobster dinner for which I insisted on paying, then, on the way back to the condo, stopped at a small ice cream shop. When we arrived back at Tanya's condo, she had me stoke the fire while she made tea.

"Stepa, have you heard terrible things President Reagan has said about Soviet Union?" she asked.

"What terrible things? He's right in that the state is supposed to serve the people, and that the people are supreme over the state."

"That is recipe for anarchy," Tanya said. "If each does as he pleases, there is only chaos."

"And out of that chaos comes the greatest economy the world has ever known, generating incredible wealth, and leading the world in innovation. And people are free to think and say as they please."

"I do not understand why you think is OK for people to be «некультурный» and that this must be accepted."

"Because they have the right to be! I'm free to object, and to tell them that I object, but not free to make them stop any more than they are free to restrict what I say. It's called freedom, Tatyana Ivanovna, and while it is chaotic and «некультурный», it's what makes America great."

"I do not understand how greatness can come from disorder. This makes no sense. But, more problematic, is that President Reagan has said that the Warsaw Pact is an evil empire!"

"And Churchill properly complained about the Iron Curtain which had come down to divide Europe. I'm free to go pretty much wherever I wish whenever I wish. I don't need identity papers to travel in the US, not even between states. I am free to buy an airline ticket to pretty much anywhere in the world and the US government has no say in the matter once I've been issued a passport, and that HAS to be issued so long as I'm not a criminal. That's not true for most people in Poland, East Germany, the USSR, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, or Romania. It's wrong to stop people from traveling that way."

"Border restrictions are to keep out undesirables from the West! This is why wall is built in Berlin! To keep fascists in Germany from interfering with socialism!"

I laughed, "Come on, Tatyana Ivanovna. You can't believe that crazy propaganda! People from the West can freely travel into East Germany. I've done it myself! But people from East Germany can't freely travel to West Berlin or West Germany."

"Is what we are taught!"

"That doesn't mean it's true," I said gently. "I understand that you're a product of your culture and upbringing, but one only need look at the difference between East and West Germany or North and South Korea, to see the differences between capitalism and communism. Yes, they are chaotic and disordered, yes, they are «некультурный», but the people are free! Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed. My favorite Founding Father — Thomas Jefferson — wrote that. That's not the case in Russia. Perhaps you should have followed Trotsky instead of Stalin. Our mistake was following Hamilton, not Jefferson."

"Trotsky was criminal, subversive, and properly expelled from Communist Party!"

"And murdered on Stalin's orders. Trotsky wasn't rehabilitated by Khrushchev because he objected to the Stalinist bureaucracy that runs the Soviet Union to this day. He fought against much of what is evil about the Soviet Union."

"Why do you defend criminal?!" Tatyana protested, exasperated.

"Jefferson was considered a criminal by the British. That doesn't make him one. Revolutionaries are always criminals to those whom they threaten. As Ben Franklin, another of my favorite Founding Fathers, said when signing the Declaration of Independence: 'We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.'. He said that because what they were doing was treason, just as the early Soviets were considered traitors by the Tsars."

"You are frustrating, Stephen Rayevich! Why do you fight against world socialism?"

"Because at its root it denies human freedom, it denies self-determination, and it leads to ruin. In the long run, the Soviet Union will fall. What will replace it, nobody can predict, but the current economic system is a disaster that cannot support itself. Russia could be a great nation if it embraced freedom and threw off the yoke of both the Tsars AND the Communist Party."

"Stepa, if you say such things in public, will cause problems for me to see you! I wish to continue to see you!"

"I know you do. And I wish to continue seeing you, but unless something dramatic changes, I don't see how this can work long term. If you are a diplomat for the Soviet Union, you'll need to marry someone who can play the part of the dutiful Communist spouse. I can't do that."

Tanya folded her hands in her lap and sat quietly for several minutes, and the only sound was the crackling of the fire in the fireplace. I waited, because the ball was really in her court at this point.

"Father has warned me about this before I invited you to my bed. I told him not to worry. I guess was mistake."

"I'm sorry, Tatyana Ivanovna. I don't know what to say. If you regret making love with me, it saddens me that I have made a terrible misjudgment."

"No, Stephen Rayevich, was not mistake to take you to my bed. Was mistake not to listen to Father about future and problems that would occur. I was not silly little girl with dream of marriage. Yes, I hoped one day to marry you, but was not condition for making love."

"So what now, Tanya?" I asked.

"I do not know. Future is very cloudy, unless something change. And I do not think you change. I do not wish to change. Is impasse."

"I can go back to Chicago if you don't want me here," I said softly.

"No! Is not what I wish! I must think about it, but in meantime, you may take me to my bed!" she said with a smile.

I took the tea glasses and put them on the counter in the kitchen, then took Tanya's hand and led her to her bedroom where, for the first time in our relationship, we were animalistic, rather than passionate. It was as if we were trying to use our bodies as battering rams to break down the wall that had suddenly sprung up between us. Our second coupling was gentle, loving, and passionate, as if we were trying to rebuild bonds that had been shattered and to cross the gulf between us.

When we awoke on Sunday morning, Tanya made some tea and served black bread, butter, and fruit, and after we ate, we decided to soak in the tub.

"Stepa, do you wish to continue to see me?" she asked.

"Yes, Tanya, I do," I said.

"Good. I wish to continue to see you. Can we agree to leave politics out of relationship for now? To worry about in future?"

"We can, but I'm not sure what that means for us long-term," I said.

"I think about this. You do not know what future holds. I do not know what future holds. Perhaps something will change before we must make decision about us. I wish to wait until after university to even think about this. When I finish Harvard, we see what happens. Is OK?"

That would be a year after I graduated, and, based on what I was thinking, I was very likely still going to be single at that point. None of the girls would really be ready to marry before then, anyway, given their plans. The one exception might be Karin, but she'd only be nineteen, and we'd have decided the Summer after I graduated if there was truly a future for us.