Chapter 15: Moving Forward, Part II

March 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Hi," I said sheepishly. "I'm sorry I hung up on you."

"And I'm sorry I called you a jackass and told you to grow up," Joyce said. "I had no right to do that. Except for not talking to me, you've handled everything in a mature manner."

"Yes and no. Kathy pointed out that I've been lying to myself saying that I was through with Kara. On the other hand, it's true that there isn't anything I can really do about it except move on. I'm going to send her a birthday card, but I expect that will have the same effect as the letter I wrote to her. Either she read it and didn't care, or she refused to read it. I have no idea which. Kathy thinks, and I agree with her, that Kara is ashamed and embarrassed by what happened. And that explains why she won't talk to anyone she knew before, apparently including her mom. Until she can get past that, she won't talk to me or anyone else that knew her before."

"She needs help, Steve!" Joyce said.

"I know that! Don't you think I know that? But the only person she's apparently talking to is an evangelical pastor. And that's the last thing she needs. I think she needs serious psychological care, but I doubt she'll get it."

"Maybe deprogramming?" Joyce said.

I chuckled, "As much as I can't stand evangelical theology, she's not in a cult. Doctor Mercer would be perfect, but I'm not sure Kara would ever see her."

"I am sorry I caused this problem, Steve. I was foolish and made a huge mistake. Can you forgive me?"

"You're my friend," I said.

"I'll take that to the bank. You saying that is worth more than anything else you could say right now. What do we do?"

"I honestly don't know. I'm taking things one day at a time. Stephie's living with me, Tatyana came to visit and I'm seeing her a week from today in Boston, and Karin came to visit and I'll see her this Summer. Beyond that, I'm spending time with friends and not making any long-term plans except to graduate from college."

"When are you coming home again?" she asked.

"I am home, Joyce. This is my home. It's where I live and where I'm probably staying long term. I like it here. As for coming to Milford, most likely not until school is out in May, and then only for a week or two at most. And Stephie is coming with me."

"I want to see you when you're here."

"Me too. But as friends. It can't be more than that now," I sighed, then took a deep breath. "And probably never."

"I know," she said softly. "I'm so sorry I hurt you as badly as I did."

"Call sometimes. Let's keep in touch."

"I promise!"

We said 'goodbye' and I hung up the phone. I lay on the bed to relax and ponder what had happened today. A few minutes later, Stephie came into the room and lay on the bed next to me.

"You OK, Yankee?" she asked.

"I think so. I had a fight with Joyce and Kathy took me to the woodshed about it."

"When y'all came back, I wondered what was goin' on, especially when Kathy brought you back and she took you to your room."

"I could never do anything like that to Kurt, Peaches, don't worry," I said.

"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked.

Pouring that problem out to my two oldest and best friends, Jennifer and Kathy, was one thing. Both of them had fairly significant experience with girls, even if Kathy's had been different from Jennifer's. I wasn't sure how Stephie would deal with it or what she would think, especially given her opinion of such things. And really, I wasn't ready to open up that much to Stephie, at least not yet.

"Peaches, I really shouldn't talk about it except to say that I partially blame Joyce for what happened with Kara. They were great friends and had a falling out, and things spiraled downhill from there. When she called, she got on my case for not talking to her."

"I can see why you'd be upset with her if you blame her for what happened. I guess you guys made up?"

"To a point. Joyce is a friend, but that's all. In the past, she's wanted more, but Kara more or less put a stop to that. And I'm keeping it that way."

"Kara put a stop to that, but was OK with you and me? I don't get it."

"That was before Kara's dad died, when Kara and I both thought she was coming here. Kara didn't feel a need to tell me to stop seeing you because you and I already had a deadline, so to speak. Which is why she was OK when we continued after her dad died. It was supposed to end this May. All in all, I think Kara was just confused by the whole damn thing, which is where I have blame."

"But didn't she let you out of going steady?"

"Yes, because she thought Jennifer and I were going to be together in Chicago, remember? You even made the comment that you weren't going to stop until the very end because you didn't want to make a mistake of letting me go then finding out something had happened."

She nodded, "Good point. So you blame yourself for that? But wasn't it planned all along? Didn't Kara know?"

"Yes, but by May, I was pretty damn sure I loved Kara more than anyone, even perhaps Birgit."

"Birgit is always on your mind, isn't she?"

"She always has been and always will be. I've even talked about naming my first daughter Birgit," I said. "Though I haven't talked about that with you," I added with a smile.

"And why is that? Why not talk about kids with me? You know I'm not going to take anything the wrong way. I like my position right now, all things considered. I'm not sure how good of an idea it would be to name your daughter after a lover that died, but I can see why you would want to do that and it's something we can discuss if and when the time comes."

"You're wonderful, Peaches. And you're right. Now's not the time to talk about things that far in the future. We both have homework to do. Come on; let's go back to our guests."

We walked back out to the living room, and I walked over to Kurt and thanked him quietly, then sat down with my books and continued my reading. Around 4:30pm, I put the books away and started making dinner. The seating was tight at the tables with five couples and two singles, but we managed. If Jamie started coming, and Katy found a boyfriend, we'd have to get another card table to join the kitchen table and the card table we already used. I wasn't the only one who noticed.

"What are we going to do if we add two more people?" Jackie asked.

"What are the chances that your wanna-be lawyer will come on Saturdays?" Katy asked.

"Slim, I guess," Jackie replied. "He's planning on coming tomorrow to hang out, and even that's going to get pretty tight, given there are already twelve of us here."

"I bought some beanbag chairs and some large throw-pillows Thursday," Elyse said. "If we push the furniture around a bit, it'll be just fine. It's not like we're all trying to watch TV or anything. And studying seems to work because we spread around the apartment to do that."

"I'm thinking about getting a bigger place for the Fall," I said. "Melanie talked about coming to Chicago for law school and Stephanie is most likely coming to Chicago when she graduates, and given Stephie and Elyse are both going to work on masters, I plan to stay in Chicago when I graduate. I did some checking and a four-bedroom house wouldn't break the bank if we have Melanie contributing."

"I'll be able to kick in money that I would have used for my dorm," Stephie said.

"That would pretty much seal the deal, then. We'd have a guest room for at least two years until my sister shows up, unless someone wants to move out of their dorm for the last two years of school, and of course we'd have room for a sofa bed, and maybe two, depending, so it wouldn't interfere with Kurt and Kathy visiting."

"That sounds like a grand idea," Elyse said. "I like this place, but if we're going to entertain, a house would make things so much easier."

I had an idea and decided to share it.

"Let me speak with my dad. I might be able to talk him into a real estate investment, which would mean he and I would own the house, and that would make it even easier. That way, we wouldn't have to worry about someone not wanting to rent to a bunch of college kids."

"We're more responsible than most adults!" Stephie protested.

"You know that and I know that, but think about what the typical homeowner is going to think."

"I might be interested in moving in," Jackie said. "I'd be ready to move out before your sister comes to Chicago, because I graduate after next year. That is, if nobody else is interested."

"I'd love to, but it's too far for us from Northwestern," Kurt said. "It's a great retreat for the weekends, but the daily commute would kill us."

"I might be interested," Cindi said. "But I'd have to talk to my parents. And if Jackie wants the space, it's hers."

"If the rooms are big enough, I wouldn't mind sharing. It would reduce the cost," Jackie said.

"I'll check with my parents and see what they think," Cindi said.

"And I'll discuss it with my dad and see what he thinks," I said.

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing, without real serious conversation. We listened to music, talked, played some video games, and enjoyed various beverages. As usual, at the end of the evening, everyone except Kurt, Kathy, and Eduardo left, and the rest of us turned in.

"You doing OK?" Stephie asked as we got into bed.

"Yes, I'm doing OK. Not great, but OK. I kind of bottled things up and Kathy pushed me pretty hard to quit lying to myself."

"How so? You're not thinking that she'll come back to you, are you?" Stephie asked, her voice taking a worried tone.

"Oh no, just the opposite. Telling myself that I didn't care, and that I was over her. I'm not. I still love her, Peaches. I can't deny that. But I'm not suffering from any illusions that she'll talk to me. And even if she does, there is no way things can go back to the way they were. A few weeks of silence while she figured things out, I could understand, especially if she talked to me and said she needed time. But it's going on three months now."

"What do you need from me, Yankee?" she asked softly.

"Just what you're doing. Just love me, Peaches. Just be here for me."

"I love you more than anything, Steve. I hope you know that. Nobody's ever made me feel like you do, and I'm not talking about orgasms, neither. Being with you is the most perfect thing I can think of. The orgasms are just a side benefit. Though if you have the inclination, I wouldn't mind some now!"

We made love twice before falling asleep, though our roles were reversed with Stephie cuddling me and my head on her chest, rather than the other way around.

Sunday's conversation was interesting. Jamie joined us for the first time and asked a question that started a lively debate.

"What does it mean to be or do good?" he asked.

"Well, there are lots of external ways to measure it, but they contradict each other," Cindi said. "Which is why I have little use for any church."

"Same here," I said. "Though I find comfort in the rituals. But as we've discussed before, a lot of evil has been done in the name of pretty much every god in history. And the gods contradict each other. I don't think you can do what a guy at Theta Xi does — try to blend them all together. He's a Baha'i. They have a temple up in Evanston and seem to think that they can unify twelve different religions, from Zoroastrianism to Islam. It's syncretism writ large, and I think it largely fails."

"I don't see how it's even possible!" Katy said. "You can't really reconcile Islam, Christianity, and Judaism and all three of them stem from Abraham, or so they claim."

"I don't think philosophers do any better," Dave said. "Nor politicians."

"True," I said. "Personally, I try to follow the basic precepts of loving everyone and doing unto others as I would have them do unto me."

"But is that 'good'?" Jamie asked. "Or is that just a way to justify your actions?"

"What is the good?" Katy asked. "That was Socrates' question, and I don't think we've figured it out 2,500 years later!"

"No, we haven't," Chris said. "Think of it this way. Murder is wrong. But if you could go back in time and kill Pol Pot or Mao or Stalin or Hitler before they did all the evil they did, would that murder be wrong?"

"It has to be," I said. "Otherwise, everything devolves to relativism and you can justify anything at that point. Think of it this way. Let's say that it's always OK to kill the most evil person in the world. So we do that. Then what?"

"You kill the next most evil person who is now the most evil person," Jamie said. "All the way until there's only one person left. Then that person has to kill themselves, if they're consistent, because they are now the most evil person in the world."

"Exactly," I said, nodding in agreement.

"Well, shit, Yankee! Then how do you figure this out?"

"I have no idea," I answered. "Can we even all agree on what the definition of good is?"

"To crush your enemies — see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!" Eduardo snarled theatrically to riotous laughter.

"OK, leaving aside Conan the Barbarian," Dave chuckled, "how do we define it?"

"Is there even an answer?" Kathy asked. "If I do what I think is good, others might think of it as bad. I guess doing no harm to others is a good first step."

"How does that work for the police and prosecutors?" Jamie asked. "They have a job to do that harms people in the interest of the greater good. We take away someone's freedom, or even execute them, for the greater good."

"A modern-day Caiaphas," I said. "It is better that one man should die for the people than a whole nation be destroyed, eh? But again, where and when do you stop? What constitutes proper punishment? And what things should be punished?"

"Shit. Who invited me to this? I'm going to go crazy!" Jackie lamented.

"You invited yourself, dear heart!" Elyse said. "But I agree, how the hell do we get out of this conundrum?"

"Even democracy doesn't help," Kurt said. "I think it was Franklin who opined that democracy is two wolves and a lamb, voting on what to have for dinner."

"Not to mention the fact that once people realize they can vote themselves money from the treasury, you're screwed. At least according to a quote attributed to Alexis de Tocqueville." I added with a grin. "And I agree with him."

"Yes, and German Nazis and Italian Fascists were elected to their respective parliaments," Eduardo said.

"History tends to show that voting on what is good and what is not is a supremely bad idea," Kathy said.

"Well, we've just eliminated religion, politics, and philosophy," Katy said. "Now what?"

"Well, if there's no right or wrong, then the only thing to do is an end of the semester Bacchanalia!" Elyse smirked.

That brought more uproarious laughter from everyone except Katy, who said "NO!" loudly and firmly.

"Katy, at this point, I think you and Steve should just go to his room and fuck and get it out of the way," Cindi said without a hint of teasing. "You aren't fooling anyone."

"There is no way that's happening." Katy growled. "Not now and not ever!"

"Cindi, that's over the line," Kathy said. "Back off, please."

"You're right," Cindi replied. "I shouldn't have said that. Katy, I'm sorry."

Katy nodded, but Cindi's comment more or less killed the mood. It was almost time to break off anyway, so we turned the conversation to Spring Break.

"We're going to Florida," Kathy said. "Our first college Spring Break!"

"You two?" Stephie asked. "I just can't see you drunk on the beach!"

"True, but we'll still have a good time," Kurt said.

Everyone else was heading home, mostly on Friday evening, though Eduardo was going with Elyse to Glen Este rather than trying to fly home for a week. They were leaving Friday immediately after their last class. Of course, I was flying out on Saturday late in the morning to visit Tatyana.

Cindi and Chris were the last to leave, hanging back until everyone else had gone.

"I'm really sorry," Cindi said. "I shouldn't have said what I said to Katy. It's just so damn obvious that she wants you, but her personal rules say that she can't do it."

"I agree with Kathy — just back off. Katy's made her intent clear and I'm honoring that. You should, too, no matter how obvious her desire might be."

"I know. I'm sorry about that."

"It is obvious," Elyse said. "That girl is just aching to do it with you. It's almost like she's a virgin trying to save herself for marriage, but wanting to screw."