Chapter 12: Life Is Never Boring, Part IV

February, 1983, Milford, Ohio

After the girls left, Stephanie put her arm around me and asked if we could use the sauna.

"Yes, but no sex, Squirt. We don't know when Frank and Trudy will be back and THAT would be a disaster. They're open-minded, but I don't think they're THAT open-minded."

"Bummer, but I understand," she said.

We went up to my room and took off our clothes, then put on robes and walked to the sauna. I turned it on and spread a couple of towels on the bench. We sat down to wait for the stones to heat up and then I ladled water on them. The sharp hiss of the steam was comforting, and allowed me to begin relaxing in a way I hadn't since before Christmas. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes.

"It's been harder on you than you're letting on, hasn't it?" Stephanie asked, taking my hand in hers and interlacing our fingers.

"I guess," I said.

"Jennifer told me that she got you to finally let it out, but I still think you're really holding it in and putting up a brave front. Jennifer thinks you're lying to yourself about it, and I think she's right."

"How so? I acknowledge what happened, there isn't much I can do about it, so I'm moving on."

"Jesus, Steve. She ripped your heart out and stomped on it in front of you! Even the new, improved Big Brother can't just accept that and move on. I know you cried about it with Jennifer, but really, one day? I don't buy it for one second."

"What do you want me to do, Squirt? Have a 'dramatic episode'," I made air quotes, "like I did after Jennifer told me about Seattle and then again after she told me about Stanford?"

"No, and I don't expect you to cry for a couple of years like you did for Birgit, either. But you bought her a ring, Steve. You were committed in your heart and I know what that means to you, especially after Birgit. And you expected her to say 'yes'. In your mind, you were already married."

"I guess I'm not understanding what you want me to do. I've accepted things, I've evaluated what happened and reproached myself for mistakes I made with Kara," I said deliberately, calmly stating the steps I'd taken to get over the issue. "I did my best to get her to talk to me, including writing her a two-page letter. What more can I do?"

"Admit that you miss her," Stephanie said.

"I DO miss her!" I shot back angrily. "I've said that. I've never stopped loving her! But what the hell good does it do? I'm still not sure what you're trying to say! I'm focusing on school and on spending time with my friends. Stephie is there for me all the time, and I have Karin and Tatyana as well. So, tell me — what the hell else should I do?"

Stephanie had recoiled at the anger and vehemence, but she never let go of my hand.

"I guess you're right. I'm just worried about you, Big Brother."

"I know. So are Bethany, Jennifer, Elyse, Sofia, Melanie, and the rest of my friends. They're all helping me. The only thing I'm missing is for Kara to talk to me so I can get closure. That is the one thing I really need, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to get it."

"Why not just go to her house? Her mom will support you and I'm sure she'll let you in to talk to Kara."

"And do what? Break down her door? Slap her around until she talks to me? No, going there won't solve anything until she's ready to talk to me," I said.

"I guess," Stephanie said.

"Squirt, what's going on? I thought you were happy about this."

"No way, Big Brother. You were hurt. That can never make me happy. Yes, I think you should be with Jennifer, but I know the problems. She and I have talked about it. I actually got mad at her on the phone because she was saying the same things you are — that it's not something either of you can really consider yet. I'm just afraid that by the time you're ready to consider it, it'll be too late."

"I'm not making any decisions along those lines before I graduate. And maybe not for a long time after that. That fits everyone's timeline except Stephie's, but she has inertia on her side."

"Inertia?" Stephanie asked.

"She's living with me and I don't want to change that. I don't expect to want to change that. Maybe I never will. If things go like they're going, she wins by default."

"That's a stupid way to decide, Steve!" Stephanie declared vehemently.

"Is it? Stephie and I love each other, we get along great, and we're compatible in every way, including the sports we like. Why the hell should I even think about changing that at this point? It's pretty much the argument Elyse made for me to marry her last year, and it makes a lot of sense. If it was Kathy living with me instead, would you object the same way?"

"Yes, because I think it's a dumb idea. But where does that leave Tatyana and Karin?" Stephanie asked.

"Tatyana and I are not going to be together unless she has some kind of major change in her plans. I told Stephie it was a lot like Katt, because Tatyana's career plans take precedence over her husband plans, and there is no way in hell I'm going to be a Communist! Could you see me defecting to the Soviet Union?"

"No," Stephanie laughed.

"As for Karin, when she was here she asked me to come to Sweden in '85, after we both graduate — me from college and her from «gymnasiet», and decide our future, one way or the other. That's over two years from now. I'll see her this Summer and probably next Summer as well."

"Are those your only options?"

"Nobody is ruled out, Squirt. I meant that seriously. If you want crazy options, there's Anna, Sofia, Tina, or hell, even Becky."

Stephanie recoiled with disgust and dropped my hand as if a scorpion had bitten her.

"Becky?!" she growled. "What the fuck, Big Brother?"

"I was trying to make an extreme comparison," I answered lamely.

"Bullshit. Out with it. Are you involved with her again?"

"Not in the way you mean. She's helped me with computer stuff and she also helped me with something super-secret that I couldn't involve any of my other friends in."

"You asshole!" Stephanie growled angrily. "Why the fuck would you even talk to her again?"

"Because," I said slowly, deliberately. "As Joyce puts it, I need to be a cold-hearted bastard to do the jobs I'm being asked to do. She's helped me right a serious wrong. There is NOTHING going on between us. I will not touch her at all."

"I don't believe you!" Stephanie said accusingly.

She got up and stalked out of the sauna.

"Fuck!" I shouted at the sauna door that closed behind her.

So much for a nice relaxing sauna and a nice weekend with my sister. I wondered if I should just go back to Chicago, but realized that was not the solution. I'd tried that once, and it hadn't been the wisest thing to do. No, I had to deal with this here and now. I sat for a minute to calm down, then got up and walked out of the sauna, put on my robe, and went to find my sister. I found her, wearing her robe, curled up on my bed, crying.

"Squirt," I said gently.

"Leave me alone!" she snarled through her tears.

"No, I won't leave you alone. We're going to talk about this and you're going to listen to me."

"No! I warned you about her!" she screamed at me.

"Dammit, Stephanie, she helped me rescue a girl who was sixteen and had been forced into prostitution!"

"What?!" she gasped, sitting up.

"If you had let me explain, you wouldn't have thrown such a hissy fit."

"Tell me the story, Big Brother," she said, still obviously unconvinced, but wiping away her tears, at least willing to listen.

I told Stephanie the story about Alyson/Dawn and how she'd asked me to help her, and how I had no options other than Becky. I didn't keep anything back and told her everything, including about the regular lunch dates. And then I told her what I'd planned.

"Squirt, remember what I said about being a cold-hearted bastard?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

I paused and steeled myself, then, in a slow voice, said, "I'm setting things up so that if something bad goes down, Becky goes down first, and I walk away in the clear."

"Jesus," she breathed, then simply stared into my eyes, trying to make sense of the icy cold stare I was giving her.

It was almost two minutes later before she spoke again.

"You're scaring me now, Big Brother. I was worried because you were always the moth to her flame, but the look in your eyes scares the hell out of me."

"If I'm going to do what I'm doing, it can't be any other way," I said, keeping my eyes locked to hers.

"What's happened to you?" she asked softly, finally turning her eyes away for a second.

"A lot, Squirt. Stuff I can't tell you about, but if I don't have Becky as a shield, I could end up in prison for a long, long time. I'm just hoping it's enough."

She sat dumbfounded, the implications of what I'd just said striking deep.

"And that's what Ed's getting into, isn't it? And why you tried to warn him off?"

"Yes. I'm where I am because I asked Don Joseph to kill Josh Benton. He had him beaten, but I still owed him for the favor. Just like I owe him for helping Kara's mom get a job. Ed does NOT want to keep doing this, but I don't think he'll listen to reason."

"Shit," she breathed. "Is it really that bad?"

"It wasn't until about a week ago. But now? I'm all the way in. Deep. I have some insurance that will hopefully let me walk away clean and leave Becky holding the bag. I'll protect Joyce and her family, but otherwise, I'm making damn sure that I have something to bargain with if it comes to that. And Becky is part of that bargain."

She pondered what I'd just said, and with an icy stare of her own, said, "If you have to screw her or fuck her over to stay out of prison, do it."

It was my turn to recoil in shock. I shouldn't have been surprised that my little sister could muster the same ice-cold reaction that I could. We were really two halves of the same person — perfectly complementary and perfectly united in purpose. We didn't always see eye to eye on things at first, but usually, in the end, we did come to the same conclusions.

"Wow!" I breathed. "You really don't want me in jail, do you?"

"No. I couldn't deal with that, Big Brother. Jeff belongs there. You don't."

"Did anything more ever come of that incident?" I asked.

"No. But I think he'll do it again. It's only a matter of time. He's a total pervert. He's tried to get dates, but nobody will go out with him."

"Do you know where he's going to college?"

"Bowling Green. He wants to study microbiology. I was shocked that he's going someplace he has to live on campus."

"Me too. I can't imagine him being away from Mom, but really, Bowling Green is only about three hours away. It's just south of Toledo. It's not OSU, but still, he'll come home a lot. Trust me."

"Unfortunately, I think you're right. But I'm applying to schools in Chicago, Big Brother. You better still be there!"

"That's the plan. Honestly, Elyse and Stephie are both going for Master's degrees, so I'll probably just find a job in Chicago. We'll need a bigger place than the apartment, and I want a sauna in the worst possible way, so we'll have to work it out. When I'm a Senior, I'll start looking for a house, probably in Hyde Park, though it's pretty expensive there. I think in the end I'll end up building a house in the suburbs somewhere, but that's down the road a piece."

We heard Trudy and Frank come home, so we quickly dressed and went down to meet them. Trudy made some hot chocolate and asked about Kara. I told her pretty much the same story that I'd repeated over and over for the past couple of months and she, like everyone else, was dumbfounded. Of course, I had to leave out the details about Joyce, which resulted in an incomplete picture. When we finished our chocolate, Stephanie and I headed to Shelly's.

"What's the plan for dinner tonight, Squirt?" I asked.

"Friendly's would be fine. Debbie V is working, so we sit at her table and you can leave one of your typical large tips."

"Sounds like a plan!"

When we arrived at Shelly's, Stephanie fed the dog, then we went up to Shelly's room and fucked hard. Breathless after our exertion, we cuddled together in Shelly's bed to recover.

"I wish I could sleep with you tonight," Stephanie whispered.

"Me too," I said. "Sleeping with you in my bed in Chicago was really special."

"Can I visit you this Summer? Maybe in July?"

"If Dad will let you, sure. July is pretty wide open; just let me know if Dad says it's OK."

"I will!" she exclaimed, then kissed me.

We got up, took a quick shower together and headed to Friendly's for dinner. We asked for Debbie's section and she waved when she saw us, and then came over to get our order.

"Hi!" she said. "How's Chicago?"

"Good. How are things here?"

"Three more months! Then I'm done with High School! I'm all set with the University of Cincinnati to start working on my BS in Nursing, then getting my RN certification."

"Excellent!" I said. "Do you know what area you want to work in?"

"Pediatric oncology," she said. "Kids with cancer."

"Wow!" Stephanie said. "Talk about a hard career!"

"I had a cousin die last Fall from cancer and I'm sure it's what I want to do."

"Still seeing the guy from Moeller?" I asked.

"I am," she said with a huge smile, but then it turned to a frown. "I heard about you and Kara. I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

We placed our order and about ten minutes later, she brought it out. When we finished eating, we ordered sundaes for dessert. When the last bit of ice cream had been scooped from the large sundae glasses, I left my customary 20% tip and we paid the check at the register.

"What now, Squirt?" I asked as we walked out of the restaurant.

"I checked the movies in the paper yesterday and there's nothing playing I want to see. We could just go back to Shelly's house and fool around until you have to take me home."

"I have no objections to that!" I grinned.

We spent the next few hours at Shelly's and after we showered, I took my little sister home and then went back to the Spencers'. I sat with Trudy and Frank for about thirty minutes and then went up to bed.

On Sunday morning, I swam with Stephanie, then made breakfast for us, as well as my dad. When we finished, I drove Stephanie to Shelly's house to feed the dog, then we went back home and hung out until it was time for church, and when Stephanie left, I called Karin and Tina, then hung out with my dad. I didn't get any more information from him on his time in the Navy, OSS, and CIA, but we had a good chat. He told me that Stephanie had asked about visiting me during the Summer and he said he'd try to get my mom to agree, but not to count on it happening.

"Does Mom realize that when Stephanie graduates, she's moving to Chicago to be with me?" I asked.

"No. Your mother has some strange idea that Stephanie is going to go to school close to home. Stephanie has talked about Ohio University in Athens, but she told me that she's only applying to schools in Chicago."

"That's what she told me, too. I'll have graduated, but given Stephie and Elyse are both going for Master's degrees, I'm planning on looking for a job in Chicago. Most of my friends are in the area. Well, the ones who aren't in Sweden, anyway. Bethany will be in Madison working on her Master's as well, though she has talked about doing her post-grad work in Chicago. And Pete's got Chicago on his short-list of places he wants to work, which would mean he and Melanie would be there. Add in the fact that I have a number of computer consulting clients there, and it seems like Chicago is going to be home."

"It seems to suit you. Other than the troubles with Jennifer and Kara, things have worked out pretty well for you there."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Jennifer and I are good friends again, which I'm very happy about. The other situation, well, nothing has changed."