Chapter 4

I don't know how long I stood there in the lobby, just looking at the people, walls, plants and the view outside. I noticed that it was getting dark outside, but there were no signs of any recent rain. I noticed the smell. I noticed the colors. There were no bright colors, but there were colors; and, of course, there was the smell of the hospital. I could not remember smelling anything, nor seeing any colors, since I'd left Lilith. As soon as I thought about Lil, my heart hurt like I had been stabbed. I felt my phone vibrate with an incoming message, but I just could not move. Somewhere inside my head, I knew what had happened; but I was not really able to process it ... at least, not yet ... and I didn't want to listen those yelling little guys!

"Mr. Jeffers? Mr. Jeffers! Mr. Ryan Jeffers!"

That finally got me out of out of my trance.

"Here. Or, yes, I am."

Okay, maybe I was not really out of it yet. Besides, my voice was very hoarse. When I looked at the direction of the call I saw three women coming in my direction. One of them was the woman from the reception. As soon as she had pointed me to the two other women, she turned back. If I hadn't known already, the look on her face would have told me everything I needed to know. I looked at the two other women. The older of them was clearly a doctor. The way she behaved, walked and led the way told me that. It has to be my childhood experiences from the hospital but I knew that I could spot doctors without difficulty. It was the other woman I could not get a grip on. She was dressed like a nurse, but it was like something was out of focus. It could not be her looks, since she was a prototype of a blond angelic nurse if there was any. I also understood that I was making these notes so that I could postpone facing the truth. I steeled myself to face it now.

"We were just about to give up looking at you. Didn't you get the messages... ?"

Besides being obviously tired the lady doctor was now irritated. I sighed.

"I'm sorry. I was ... I was being led on for a moment, and I guess that my phone didn't get the message until a few seconds ago."

They stopped in front of me and the lady doctor started scanning me from my dusty shoes up to my messed hair. Only now I realized myself that my shoes looked dirty and dusty, there was some dust in my previously clean jacket and shirt and my hair looked like I had been in a shower and not combed it. My jeans didn't look that bad but I knew that I had poured a good amount of sweat in them and they were dusty, too. Then there was rust in my left hand and traces of blood in my right one. I guess there was some blood under my nose, too.

"Mr. Jeffers, are you okay?"

I had to think about that for a moment. Was I okay? No, most certainly I was not okay; but, if I started telling my story, I'd be medicated and inside a loony bin in minutes. I shrugged and took a look at the wall behind me just to see a Hispanic lady open the door there. The door that led to a small janitorial closet. I blinked twice before looking back at lady doctor.

"Yes, I'll be okay. I just ... I managed to stumble and make a mess of myself. But I'm fine, really."

She looked at me and then she took a quick look at the surroundings like she could not understand how I could end up looking like this. When I looked at her face I could almost see the moment when she decided to ignore that and concentrate to the task in hand, me.

"Mr. Jeffers, I'm Dr. Holden. Would you please follow me, there is an empty examination room, and we can talk, there. Oh, this is Ms. Novak who works as a nurse, here."

I nodded to the blond nurse but I had no time to say anything since the doctor was already on her way towards the empty room. I could not help wincing a bit when my tortured legs were forced to move. Nurse Novak turned to look at me, but I just forced a smile, and signed that I was fine. Inside the room, the doctor turned to me.

"Mr. Jeffers, Ryan, I understand that you asked about your fiancée, Ms. Fink?"

"Yes, I got a call that Lil - I mean Lilith has been in an accident."

Even if I was sure what would be coming I knew I needed to hear it from her.

"Mr. Jeffers, I sorry to let you know that she passed away a bit more than an hour ago. Due to her condition, we didn't notice the internal bleeding until it was too late. I'm truly sorry."

Her words didn't shock me, since somewhere inside me I had known that already. More than sorrow I felt regret. I had had the possibility to stay with her but now it was gone, forever. Only gradually I understood the other thing she had said.

"What do you mean, due to her condition?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Jeffers, I thought that you knew. She was three months pregnant, and while she was still conscious she demanded that we not do anything that might endanger your baby."

Suddenly I had to sit to the edge of the bed. Also nurse Novak had gasped and she looked even more shocked than I was when she leaned to the wall.