Chapter 1

End of October 2001

I hated the smell of a hospital. I really, really hated it. That combination of cleanliness, detergent and disinfectant; combined with the fluorescent lights and white walls, just reminded me of pain and misery. They were also my first memories: pain and misery, the hospital, the smell of the disinfectants, the lifeless color of the internal walls and all the clean people in their uniforms with their ultra-controlled voices.

There were little guys inside my head, yelling that they wanted to throw up, and that I should do it, too. I forced that feeling to background. I had visited a hospice a few times. For me those places were full of life, as there were colors, and different smells and voices. But here, all of this cleanliness and lack of colors tried to get my stomach turned inside out. I forced myself to the information desk. I had to. My fiancée was somewhere in here.

The terrifying call had come only a few minutes after Lilith had called me, and told me that she had something very important to tell me. During that call she had sounded both exited and scared, but she refused to tell me more on the phone. I had still been at work, preparing to leave, when I received the next call from a police officer. He informed me that there had been an accident and a car had been accidentally pushed off the road. He had called me, since I was the last person Lilith had called - and because I had been listed as an ICE contact in her phone. I only remembered the name of the hospital when I rushed out. At the parking lot I noticed that I had forgotten my personal keys - both car and home - inside my desk. Instead of running back I picked up a taxi which had just dropped a passenger at the front door.

After fifteen minutes of asking, arguing and finally begging, I was still standing at the info desk. In the beginning it had gone very well when I explained that I had been informed by the police that my fiancée had been in an accident and had been brought to this hospital. Since we were not married I had not been listed as an official 'next of a kin' to her nowhere else than in her mobile phone, but as that had been enough for the police I hoped that it would be enough here, too. I managed to convince the female receptionist to allow me to visit the ICU where she had been transferred from the emergency room. That was almost enough. Almost.

When she was about to give me the information and I was ready to go to see Lilith, we were stopped by a pudgy, pompous-looking guy.

"Ms. Weller, do I hear it correctly that you are willing to release some confidential information about our patient?"

"Mr. Sneed, she is his fiancée."

Only then did the guy make his first effort to look at me. I guess he didn't like what he saw. Ok, I guess that I was taller and better-looking than him, but that should not have been a good enough reason for him to get pissed off. Those little guys inside my head suggested I give up and wait but I continued staring at him. He took a step backwards and turned back to the receptionist.

"Is he being listed as a next of kin in our system, Ms. Weller?"

"No, but..."

I was about to lose my temper but forced myself to interfere in a civilized way.

"Excuse me, but how could she, as she never been in this hospital before as far as I know?"

That guy just sneered when he spoke to both of us.

"If there is no official record in our system, then there is no way that he could get permission to see anyone at the ICU. Either you go home or wait there until we get some official information. I'll personally make sure that no rules are broken. Now, could you please leave so that other people can access the desk."

Hell, there were no other people, no queue - but I had already noticed that he had made eye contact with the two guards, who looked like two brick walls who would like to kick some butt just for fun. That was not my idea of having some fun, and from outside the hospital I would have no possibility to visit Lilith. So, I decided to make a tactical retreat and took a seat at the far end of the lobby – and for once I agreed with the voices inside my head – at least a bit.

Once sitting there I closed my eyes and started thinking. If Lil had been transferred from ER to ICU it meant that she was still alive, correct? When I kept my eyes closed and my head buried in my hands her image kept coming into my mind.

Lilith - or Lil as I called her was a mysterious girl - or young woman. Only now I realized that I didn't even know how old she actually was; I only knew that her birthday was at the end of July. I had always assumed that her age was close to my own twenty-six years. She looked so young but simultaneously also ageless. For a moment I was worried that something had happened to her perfect skin and her long, raven-dark but still silky hair - but then I realized that it would not really matter to me as long as she would get healthy, again. During the half a year we had known each other I had learned to love Lil more deeply than I had ever considered possible.

Then there was the matter of sex. Even if I had not loved Lil, the sex we had together would probably have been enough reason for me to get engaged and married. Maybe I'm a shallow person but that is how it was. Since we started dating it had taken me a month of seductive work to get her into my bed, even though I could tell that she had been quite aroused herself. I didn't mind the work since somehow I was sure that it would be worth the effort - and oh boy, it was. She had been so fascinated about my hard cock that it was almost funny. She had had no hymen, but in a way I got a feeling that everything that happened was new to her. She had hinted me that she had had some relationships with other women, and she had giggled almost uncontrollably when she noticed the effect of her confession. I know, I was being a horny pervert. Those little guys inside my head nodded at that.

Her image started fading in my mind, as the smell of the hospital came strongly to my nose. I couldn't help but shiver, and my stomach felt uneasy.

I almost felt the same pains in my limbs again, that were present in my oldest memories and nightmares. It was always the same. I could move neither my hands nor legs, because they all had been broken in multiple places. All the other places hurt, too; but it was not the same as the hurt in my arms and legs. I needed my arms and legs because I had to get away, but I just could not move, as it hurt too much. All I could do was to lay there and feel the pain. The pain. My face twisted just because of thinking of that pain.

"Do you really want to see her?"

Even if I immediately flunked out from my dark thoughts, I didn't know what to think about the old man sitting next to me. He was wearing a coverall similar to the other workers at the hospital, but what caught my attention was his eyes. He was a bit unkempt, with unruly hair and rough features; but his eyes looked fierce, almost feverish despite their bluish-gray color.

"Do you really, really want to see your fiancée?"

It seemed that I was a bit too slow in answering, since it seemed that he was about to lose his patience. For a fraction of a second I wondered how he would be able to know who I wanted to see, and why I was sitting there; but I came to a conclusion that he could have been sitting there while I was talking to the receptionist, and I wouldn't have noticed him.

"Yes, yes I do."

My voice was hoarse when I replied to him. I could see something flash in his eyes and I suddenly had a feeling that I had taken a first step towards the unknown. Somehow, my life would never be the same again. The guys inside my head were sure that I had just gone nuts.

I had no more time to think, because as soon as I had answered, he was standing there next to me, and looking nervously around.

"Come! You need to follow me. Quickly, before anyone notices."

For an old guy, he moved fast. He led me to a door behind the seats where we had been sitting. Strangely enough, nobody there seemed to pay any attention to us. I had not paid any attention to that door behind the seats when I sat down there a moment ago, either. On the other hand, I had been in such a state of mind that I probably wouldn't have noticed dancing pink elephants.

He opened the door and I followed him into a dimly lightened corridor. We stopped next to an industrial elevator that had seen some better days.

Suddenly he turned around and faced me. Once again I got a feeling that his eyes were flashing.

"Do you have some silver?"