Chapter 36: A Visit to Iowa and a Frightful Night

October, 1982, Iowa City, Iowa

Alyson opened the door and flashed a smile. She and Becky hugged, then Alyson gave me a quick hug and invited us in. We followed her into what appeared to be a den, where she introduced us to her mom and dad. I managed to keep my face neutral when she introduced me as Becky’s boyfriend, but I saw Becky smile a bit when Alyson said that. Alyson asked her parents if it was still OK to go out to lunch with us and they said yes, but were clear that we were to come back immediately and not be gone longer than necessary.

We walked out to the car and Becky had me drive. Backing the car with the stick shift out of the driveway was an experience, but I managed to do it. Alyson directed us to a local family-style restaurant where we got a booth with Alyson and Becky sitting together on one side with me on the other.

“Boyfriend?” I asked, looking at Becky.

“What did you want me to say?” Becky asked. “The guy who found her in that house and helped her escape? Come on Steve, don’t be stupid.”

“Sorry, you’re right. I guess that’s the most logical and reasonable thing to say.” I said. Then, turning to Alyson, I asked, “Alyson, how are you doing?”

“Pretty good. I’m a Sophomore instead of a Junior, but I’m getting mostly A’s. Nobody here knows anything about what happened in Chicago. I haven’t even told my best friend, though she does know I ran away to see a guy and that it didn’t work out the way I had hoped.”

“I’m glad things are going well,” I said.

The waitress came to take our orders, interrupting the conversation briefly.

“They are, thanks to you and Becky. I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough for what you did, Steve.”

“As I said before — just have a happy, normal teenage life. Find a nice guy, settle down, and let the past stay buried in the past.”

“I’m glad I took the chance to tell you and ask you to help me. I’m still amazed at how you treated me. Everyone else treated me like dirt, and you treated me like a person.”

“That’s how he is, Alyson,” Becky said. “He’s a good guy and he’ll go out of his way to help his friends. I’d say he considers you a friend.”

“How? We barely know each other!” Alyson said.

“Because you trusted me to tell me something important, and for me, that kind of trust is the basis for a good friendship. Without trust, everything falls apart.”

I saw Becky nod, and saw a tear form in her eye, but she quickly got control of herself.

“And that,” Becky continued, “is why he isn’t my boyfriend. I violated his trust a couple of times when we were fifteen and sixteen and it’s taken three years just to become friends again.”

“So you two were a couple back then?” Alyson asked.

“Yes, and I did a couple of really dumb things that messed it all up,” Becky said wistfully.

“You’re friends again, though. Can’t you put it back together? He seems like such a nice, caring guy.”

“I would, but Steve won’t. And I don’t blame him. What I did to him was pretty bad.”

“Can you tell me?” Alyson asked.

Becky looked at me and I nodded. I had no issues with her telling the story if she wanted to.

“He was the first person I ever made love with; in fact, he’s still the only one. But I put so much pressure on him to make things permanent when we were fifteen that it tore us apart.”

“Permanent? Like getting engaged?” Alyson asked, incredulous.

“Yeah. But it gets worse. We kept seeing each other off and on and I decided I wanted him badly enough that I stopped taking my birth control pills and got him to make love to me again. Needless to say, my plan worked, and I got pregnant.”

“Oh my!” she gasped. “I can see how that would mess things up!”

“Actually, it didn’t. Steve is an amazing guy and although he was upset, he promised to take care of the baby and me, even though we wouldn’t be a couple.”

“No way! You trapped him and he said he would do that?”

“Yes. In fact, he took responsibility without me even asking him to. But then I totally betrayed him. I promised to have the baby and I let my mom pressure me into having an abortion. Twisting a knife into Steve’s heart would have done less damage than that!”

“But isn’t it your decision?” Alyson asked.

“He never said it wasn’t. He told me that he wanted me to have the baby and that he would stand with me. I agreed. It was when I changed my mind and didn’t talk to him about it that hurt him so badly. He was prepared to be a father and, from his perspective, I had killed our baby because my mom pressured me to do it. At that point, he wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“How did you manage to become friends again?”

“I’m not even done with the bad stuff yet! We ran into each other in January of our Senior year at a conference. I took advantage of his emotional state and seduced him, then encouraged him to hide it from his girlfriend, and keep seeing me and lie to her. He couldn’t. He confessed to his girlfriend, Kara, and she forgave him. They’re still together, even though she’s in Ohio and he’s in Chicago. He hated me for everything I said and did.”

I hadn’t hated her, but I had been extremely angry and disappointed and even today, I didn’t trust her fully.

“Becky, I don’t get it,” Alyson said. “You’re one of the nicest people I know, and so is Steve. How could you do that?”

“I was a real bitch in the past. Steve saw that deep down, I could be sweet and caring and loving, but I fought that all the way, preferring to be a bitch because it let me get my way. Well, it did, except for the one thing I wanted most — Steve as my boyfriend. I was lucky in the end. When you asked him for help, he needed to keep what he was doing from his other friends, so he called me. I helped him because it was a straw to grasp at. It worked out to my benefit. When you asked Steve for help, you helped me repair my relationship with him, at least as far as I think is possible.”

“Wow!” Alyson exclaimed. “I had no idea! But I knew he was a good guy when he refused to have sex with me when I offered. I needed to talk to him alone and wanted him to do it as cover, but he wouldn’t. I did make him get naked and fake it, just in case someone came into the room. Then, when I realized just how sweet he was, I wanted him to do it because I’d never, ever felt love during sex.”

I let Becky continue the conversation because I was curious what her take on this would be.

“That sounds like Steve,” Becky said. “I can’t imagine him ever taking advantage of someone like that. Steve does good things for people because it’s the right thing to do, not because of any reward he might get. And your guess is right, too. He knows how to make love in such a way that all you feel is love and caring. Unfortunately, I threw it all away by being stupid.”

Our food came, and the conversation paused while the waitress set the plates in front of us. After refilling our sodas, she walked away and we started eating and resumed our conversation.

“Steve,” Alyson said, “is all of that true?”

“I’d say so, yes. I have to tell you that I really did want you, but I felt it was the wrong thing to do. It would have been taking advantage of you and I could never, ever, do that to you or any girl. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I’m happy to say I didn’t make one with you.”

She looked around, then looked down and spoke softly, “And if I offered now?”

“I’d still say no, Alyson,” I replied gently. “Not because you’re not desirable and not because I don’t think I’d enjoy it, but because your life is here, in Iowa City. Find a guy here, fall in love, then have sex. Don’t have sex with anyone just because you think you owe it to them or because they were nice to you! You’re worth way more than that! I know this might sound silly, but pretend you’re a virgin and think about the next guy you’re with as your first. He should be the first one you love, not just a guy to do it with because you feel you owe him something.”

She looked at me for a moment, and a tear ran down her face, followed by another. I reached across the table and used my thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

“But how can I do that? I’ve been with hundreds of guys and done everything you can imagine! I can’t be a virgin!” she sniffled, choking a sob. “I don’t even remember what being a virgin was like!”

“My best friend in the world was raped when she was thirteen. It took her years of therapy and lots of help from her friends to get over it enough to make love with someone. I told her to think of that first lovemaking session as her first time. Rape is about violence, not about sex. She was shocked that I would say that, but I’ve maintained for years that she gave me her virginity when we made love, even though she didn’t have a hymen and a penis had already been in her vagina.”

“But what about Mark?” she said, referring to the guy she had first had sex with.

“What about him? Did he love you?”

“No,” she sighed, “but I loved him. Or I thought I did.”

“I guess what I would say is that everything that happened before you got in Becky’s car happened to Dawn, not Alyson. When Alyson meets the right guy, then that’s when Alyson has sex for the first time. Dawn is dead and buried and everything she did is dead and buried with her.”

“Do you really believe that?” she asked.

“Alyson, if I didn’t know your past, and met you in High School, I’d say you were a sweet, beautiful girl who I’d want to get to know. A girl I’d ask out. So don’t tell anyone about your history. As I said, Dawn is dead and buried. Alyson is alive and well, and has a great life in front of her.”

She smiled, “You mean that? Seriously? That you would ask me out if you met me in High School?”

“Absolutely. But you need to find someone in your High School. I’m in Chicago, and I have a serious girlfriend. The last thing you need to do is have a one-night-stand as Alyson. That would be a terrible thing to do.”

We finished eating with very little further conversation. It was clear that Alyson was thinking about what I had said. After I paid the check, we headed back to her house and she invited us in. We went to the basement and her mom brought us Cokes to drink. We spent about an hour talking about school, friends and Alyson’s future. I had a good feeling about her and hoped that I was right.

We got up to leave and Alyson quickly pulled me into a tight hug. I kissed her forehead, and she kissed my cheek.

“Thanks, Steve. I hope you’ll be my friend.”

“Absolutely!” I said. “If you’re ever in Chicago, just call. And I’ll try to visit again sometime with Becky.”

Alyson beamed and then gave Becky a hug and showed us out. Becky let me drive so that I could get some more practice with the manual transmission.

“Steve, has anyone told you how amazing you are? The things you said to her were just perfect!”

“The entire time we were talking, I was thinking of my friend who was raped and remembering the things I said to her and how I treated her. Plus things the therapist said to me when I talked to her about my friend, and later when I saw the therapist for my own issues.”

“I feel like an even bigger idiot after seeing you with Alyson. Kara is a lucky, lucky girl.”

“And I’m a lucky guy to have her. Becky, you and I were young and stupid. We’ve learned a lot in the last five years. All we can do is move forward.”

“Do you think you’d ever be able to be with me?”

I sighed, “I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve told other people who have asked questions like that. I’m not going to speculate on a future that I do not think will happen. I’m going to be with Kara in May, we’ll be a couple, we’ll be exclusive, and we’ll be working on our future together.”

October, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

Becky was silent for quite some time and the only sounds in the car were the radio playing softly and the sound of the tires on the road. When she finally spoke, I looked at the clock and saw more than an hour had passed.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “It’s just that I never, ever stopped loving you. Even when I was being a total bitch to you, I still loved you. I wish I could find a way to make things different, but I guess it’s not possible at this point. I hope you’ll continue to be my friend.”

“I will, but please don’t get the idea that things are going to change between us.”

“I won’t,” she said softly.

I wasn’t sure she was telling me the truth, but I had been honest with her and had kept our relationship completely platonic, and I was going to keep it that way. When we arrived back at Rosary, Becky gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, and I headed back to Hyde Park. I arrived just in time to watch the movie Elyse had rented and sat on the couch cuddling Stephie until it was time for bed. Jackie, Katy, and Eduardo all left when the movie finished, and would return on Sunday to spend the day with us.

On Sunday, as soon as the usual gang arrived, we started planning the Halloween Party that we’d host the following Sunday. We agreed on a costume party and that everyone should bring a snack and something to drink. None of us was twenty-one, so we’d use my alcohol, but anyone who wanted to drink would kick in a few bucks to help replenish the stock when I went home at Thanksgiving. In addition, it was a school night, so we decided to start at 4:00pm and end at 1:00am, to give everyone a chance to get home and get some sleep. Kathy and Kurt said they’d sleep over and leave around 8:00am to get back to Northwestern because they didn’t have class until 10:00am on Monday. That would allow both of them to drink and not have to worry about driving.

Stephie worried that because mid-terms were coming up the week after Halloween, having the party on that Sunday might interfere with studying. For my part, I didn’t have much studying to do, so it wasn’t a concern. Elyse and Stephie discussed it and decided that so long as they cracked the books hard during the week, they’d be OK. And of course we’d have our weekend study time.

I mentioned inviting Dave, Cindi, and Julia, and asked if anyone knew some guys to invite to even the ratio. Eduardo suggested his roommate and Elyse quickly agreed, because she’d met him and felt he was cool. She said she might know a couple of guys and she’d let me know. We discussed costumes and Stephie told me she had the perfect idea for us — a NASCAR driver for me and Daisy Duke for her.

“You don’t have the tits for it!” Elyse teased.

“Yankee ain’t complainin’ none!” Stephie countered, with a defiant smile.

Everyone laughed, including Katy and Eduardo, which put my mind at ease. We hadn’t been ribald since they’d joined us, but it seemed like everyone was getting comfortable with them. Kurt and Kathy said they were coming as a doctor and his naughty nurse, and Jackie said she’d come as ‘Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’.

“Who the heck is that?” Stephie asked.

“She has a TV show in Los Angeles where they show campy horror movies. My only problem is that I also don’t have the tits for that costume any more than you do for yours!” she said, laughing.

Katy and Eduardo weren’t sure what they could come as and Elyse flat-out refused to say, though she did say she had a costume in mind.

“So besides dancing, what else are we going to do?” Elyse asked.

“I’d say a costume contest, but the rules would have to be that you can’t vote for your own costume or your date’s,” Kathy offered. “Just have everyone vote the best costume and have a prize.”

Everyone agreed that was a great idea.

“‘Spin the Bottle’?” Elyse suggested, with a sly grin.

“No chance!” Katy said, laughing. “There is no way on God’s green earth I’m kissing Steve! Do you know how dangerous that would be?”

“Yes!” Kathy, Elyse, and Stephie all exclaimed at the same time, laughing.

Eduardo had a funny look on his face, but Elyse whispered something in his ear and he nodded. I was glad that Jackie hadn’t joined them, though she did give me a surreptitious wink. There weren’t any more suggestions at that point and after everyone left, Stephie, Elyse and I had a quiet evening together.