Chapter 15: Setting the Limits

July 1982, Milford, Ohio

Kara and I awoke, and she took a quick shower before we drove to my parents’ house so I could swim and have breakfast with Stephanie. My dad joined us for breakfast before he had to leave for work. After cleaning up the kitchen, we went to my old room to hang out with Stephanie for about an hour before heading back to the Spencers’. Nobody was home and there was a note on the fridge that said that Frank, Trudy, Pete, and Melanie were out for the day because Frank had the day off from work. They would be back around 10:00pm.

“Ooh, we have the house to ourselves!” Kara said saucily. “Whatever shall we do?”

“Talk,” I said.

“You always say we talk better after we have sex, Steve! How about in the sauna?”

I didn’t answer, but simply walked upstairs and started removing my clothes as I walked down the hall towards the sauna. Kara giggled and quickly followed me. I turned on the sauna and then finished taking off my clothes. Kara pulled me into an embrace and we kissed, then went into the sauna. I spread two towels on the bench and we sat down to wait for the rocks to heat up. A few minutes later, they were hot enough to add the water for steam.

Kara got up and knelt in front of me, using her mouth to get me hard. She stood up, turned around and lowered herself onto me, facing away from me. I pressed my finger against her clit and started rubbing softly. Kara rode me gently until she had two orgasms, then got up, turned around and impaled herself on me and ground hard while moving her hips back and forth rapidly. It didn’t take long for me to cum, and when I had, Kara moved to sit next to me.

“We need to talk about you establishing limits, Kara,” I said gently.

“You think I’m going too far? Or just too far, too fast?”

“Too far, too fast, I guess. How far you go, and where your limits are, really depends on you. Exploration is fine, but remember, you can’t undo things you’ve done.”

“But I’ve already done that with Joyce, Steve,” Kara sighed.

“Once, and you were fairly passive. You could chalk that up to an experiment. If we do that again, and you are more active, then it moves to a different realm. What if you regret it in the future?”

“I don’t regret anything we’ve done. Not at all. And I can’t see regretting it given how things are going.”

I added some water to the rocks to generate some more steam.

“You know,” I said, “I used to be super confident of how I would feel about things in the future and I’ve discovered that we change pretty significantly and we may change how we see things. I know that in a sense, your dad not being here is liberating, but you’re also sad about it.”

“I am. And sometimes I feel bad about thinking that it’s liberating. But then I think about how I felt, like someone was smothering me, and I don’t want to feel that way again. I want my dad back, but I want him to be more like your dad,” she said, a tear rolling down her cheek. “Is that bad?”

“No, it’s not bad, nor is it mean. It’s just a hard truth. You loved your dad, but you didn’t love how he treated you. You’re just confused, honey. The last year and a half has been pretty crazy for you with everything that’s changed. Just think, are you really sure that you’re OK with me being with Sandy and Ruth? Assuming they go through with it, that is.”

“Yes, I am. They need this just as much as I needed it.”

“But I’m not going to be there for them afterwards, the way I was with you.”

“That wasn’t my original plan, if you remember. I was going to have you take my virginity and then have a short, torrid affair before I moved on. I wanted what Sandy and Ruth want. It was my ticket to freedom.”

“So that’s really why you wanted to do it? I mean, before we fell in love.”

“Yes. Having sex was a way to free myself from my dad’s control. Think how much more Sandy must feel controlled. Not only by her dad, but by how everyone expects a PK to act. Sex will change her the way it changed me. The way it changed Josh. And the way it changed Susie.”

“When you put it that way, it seems very different,” I replied. “In fact, it’s logical and rational. Maybe a little extreme, but I can see how you felt your options were limited. I can also see why you had to tell your dad and why you said you wanted to get up on the table in the lunch room and tell the whole school, you gave me your virginity. I get it!”

“Yes, you do, Snuggle Bear.”

“You know, given that the Spencers are out, maybe I should bring the girls back here. That way, you can be here to talk to them before or after if they need someone to talk to.”

“That makes sense,” Kara agreed.

“Also, the more I think about it, it makes me wonder how many of those girls who I’ve been with had the same reason. I can think of a few, for sure.”

In my mind, that included Becky, Erin, and Pam, who all who had fairly strict parents. Kim’s parents were somewhat strict as well. I would have put Bethany in that category, but she had a very different reason for coming to me. My cousin Vickie was another one who might have thought that way. Certainly Suzana Jonsson, despite being Swedish. Part of my sister’s motive had been to do something my mom couldn’t control. And that had even been part of mine.

“And you, Steve. You said so yourself,” Kara said.

“I did. I was just thinking about that. Come on, it’s time for a shower,” I said.

We rinsed off, dried ourselves, then gathered our clothes that had been strewn in the hallway and bathroom and got dressed. We went downstairs and made some tea and sat on the couch with our tea, with Kara leaning against me.

Something was nagging me about the entire situation. I had talked myself into having sex with Sandy and Ruth, but it still didn’t sit right. I realized that it wasn’t Sandy or Ruth who were the problem, it was Kara. She was acting like Jennifer had in the past. Maybe not for the same reasons, but the end result was the same. Jennifer had done it because she hadn’t felt worthy because of Ted, but there was nothing like that in Kara’s past. I was absolutely sure she was a virgin and had seen the blood evidence to prove it.

“Kara, I don’t think I can do it,” I finally said.

“Why? I thought you were OK with it! You even set everything up.”

“Yes, but I keep coming back to something bothering me. I figured out that it’s not Sandy or Ruth. I want to deflower them, especially Ruth, who I suspect will be a handful, but I can’t do it. It’s wrong.”

“Why? They want it and you want it and it feels good and nobody is getting hurt. That’s your standard, isn’t it?”

“It sure is, but I think you’re missing what’s being hurt.”

“What?”

“Us. I think this hurts us. I think it hurts our relationship. You’re changing the character of our relationship and I’m having flashbacks to Jennifer. Arranging for me to have sex with other girls and experimenting with other girls. That frightens me, Kara. If you won’t draw the lines, I guess I have to.”

“But I didn’t set it up, Steve. Sandy came to me.”

“And you should have sent her away. I used to get on my sister’s case about promising girls that I’d do stuff with them.”

“I didn’t do that, either! I said they would have to ask you.”

“That just strikes me as a technicality in this case. You knew that if you said ‘OK’ that I’d most likely do it, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I feel it’s wrong, Kara; that you’re going too far. I’m sorry if it bothers you for me to say it, but it’s true.”

Tears began flowing down Kara’s cheeks, “I thought this is what you wanted!” she sobbed.

“What? Where did you get that idea?”

“You!” she sobbed. “The way you behaved in the past. The way you’ve behaved in Chicago. You want to have sex with other girls!”

I’d done it again. I had royally screwed up. The question was what I could do about it at this point. Had Kara been coming to Chicago, it all would have ended. But she’d changed that and that had changed her whole attitude towards me being with other girls. She’d told me to have fun in Sweden. Now she was telling me to be with Sandy and Ruth. Was she punishing herself for not coming to Chicago? I suspect that might well be it.

“Kara,” I said gently, pulling her to me on the couch, “are you doing this because you changed your plans for college and for living with me and delayed things by a year?”

She sobbed harder, and I was sure I was right. That’s what this was about. I had my suspicions about the ‘have fun’ comment now, too. Was that in response to me changing my plans for her? If so, this whole thing had quickly become a royal mess. I held her until she got control of her emotions.

“Kara, we really need to talk this through. Are you OK to talk?”

She sniffed, “Yes.”

“Let me go back a bit. Did you tell me to have fun in Sweden because I cut my trip short?”

She nodded, “I felt guilty about making you cut your trip short, so I just told you to have fun. You did, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point! I cut the trip short because I love you and because you needed me. But I suggested it. You didn’t ask me to do it.”

“I was also guilty about Chicago because of what happened with Jennifer.”

“Kara, don’t let guilt drive you! It’s not what’s driving you with Joyce. Or is it? Do you feel guilty about what we did together? Or about the fact that she fondled you?”

Kara sighed, “A little. Not a lot, but a little.”

“I need to tell Sandy this isn’t going to happen. I can’t really call her house, though.”

“I can call Ruth. She can call Sandy. They’ll be upset, but I’ll tell them I called it off so they don’t blame you. It really is my fault.”

“Go ahead. You can use Melanie’s extension if you need privacy.”

She went upstairs and came back down about ten minutes later.

“Ruth has something called ‘three-way calling’ so she could get Sandy on the call at the same time. They’re pretty upset with me, but I don’t care at this point. They both said they were going to talk to you, though.”

“That’s fine. I can say ‘no’ if I need to. We need to figure this out, Kara. Why did you push so hard when I was uncomfortable with this?”

“I thought you were uncomfortable because of me, and didn’t want you to be.”

“I was! And that’s a good thing. That’s where our limits come from. Bethany told me not to do it if I had any qualms about the girls’ motives. I don’t. But I do have them about yours. You should have talked to me about all of this, Kara. I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything!”

“But I do! You were so looking forward to your trip and you cut it short because of me. You were looking forward to living with me and I changed my plans! I broke my word to you about that!”

“I’d say you had good cause to make that decision. Did I get upset with you? Did I complain? Did I ask to change anything about our relationship?”

“No,” she sighed. “You were so understanding and went out of your way for me. You didn’t ask, but I wanted to show you how much I love you and appreciate you. I wanted to give you something I knew you would like.”

“License to have sex with any girl who asks? I did that before. I don’t want to do it again. If I don’t exercise some control, there will be no end to the girls, Kara. Can you really accept that?”

“If it’s what you want,” she said almost inaudibly.

“I’ll be the first to admit that I have struggles in that area. I’ll use every bit of leash that you allow me. I’ll stretch it right to the very limits. That’s just who I am. But, I’ve learned to live within the limits and control my urges. If you give me that kind of license, I’m going to use it. Is that what you want? That for the next year I can fuck any girl I want and not worry about it?”

“I don’t know,” Kara sighed. “I want you to be happy. I can’t be with you, so I want you to do what you need to do to be happy.”

“And I’m telling you bluntly that without a limit, there really is no limit. I need you to set limits for me, Honey. Just like I think you need me to set limits for you. It’s for different reasons, but we both need each other that way. This is different from with your dad or Sandy’s dad. In those cases, the limits were forced on you against your will. I want you to help me set limits. It’s good for me.”

“But how do I know how to set limits and what limits to set? This is so hard!”

“Yes, it is. And you can see why I’ve struggled in the past. But since I’ve been with you, it’s been so much better. I still find myself making mistakes occasionally, but nothing like before. I think about how what I’m doing would affect you and that’s a good thing. I don’t always get it right, but I mostly do.”

“Yes, you do. So what do we do, Steve?”

“Take it step by step. First, let’s talk about Joyce. Why do you want to be with her and me?”

Kara smiled, “Because it was exciting. Because I care deeply for her. Because you care deeply for her. Because she cares deeply for us.”

“Those are good reasons. But you said you felt guilty about it.”

“Yes, just like I felt guilty about making love with you. I never told you, but I did. I don’t now, of course. But even though I felt guilty, I wanted to do it again. And again. And again,” she smirked.

“And I’m very happy about that! But with Joyce, we have a problem — my rule doesn’t allow me to participate unless she and Terry are on the same page.”

“I know. I guess it will have to wait until after we go to Seattle. Can we have her come visit us in Chicago after we get back, but before Katt and Mikael are there?”

“If you want. There’s plenty of room. Why don’t you call her and work it out? Katt and Mikael will arrive on the 22nd. We’re back from Seattle on the 15th.”

“I do. I’ll call her. Just her, though, not her and Terry. And I’ll make sure she understands that I’m sticking to your rule, so if she and Terry are steady, it’s just as friends.”

“Very good. Now, what do we do about me?”