Chapter 14: Fourth of July Fireworks, Part II

July 1982, Milford, Ohio

Sandy came into my room and shut the door, shaking visibly. She leaned against the door and didn’t move further into the room.

“Relax, Sandy,” I said gently, trying to ease her nerves as best I could.

“Are we going to do it now?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion.

“No. We’re just going to talk,” I said.

I could see visible relief. That confirmed to me that she was very nervous about doing this and I needed to be very cautious.

“Talk about what?”

“About why you want to do this.”

“You don’t want to? But...” Sandy said, a tear forming in her eyes.

“Sandy, just relax!” I said with a smile. “Having a nervous breakdown isn’t going to help! I’m not saying ‘yes’ and I’m not saying ‘no’. We’re just talking now, OK? Come sit on the beanbag chairs with me.”

We sat down, side by side, and I heard Sandy let out a long, slow breath. She was clearly trying to relax. She did it again and then a third time. At that point, she seemed like she’d gotten control of herself at least enough to carry on a conversation.

“Why do you want to do this, Sandy,” I asked again, as gently as I could.

“I don’t like who I am,” she said quietly. “I want to be like Susie or Kara. I see you and all your friends and how much fun you have and the things you do together, and how much different Kara is since she’s been with you. And how different Josh became since he started hanging around with you and dating Mary. I’m pretty sure they’re having sex, too, though I’m just guessing, really. I AM sure Josh is doing it in Sweden, based on what you said a year ago.”

“And you think sex is the way to improve things? Couldn’t you just hang out with us and let it happen naturally?”

“I know nothing about sex! Nothing. I don’t even really know how it works or what you do or anything. I mean, I have a vague idea because I’ve seen baby boys, but I really, really don’t know how it’s done!”

“All the more reason to just hang out with us and take your time.”

“But I can’t. I had to sneak out to come here!”

“Then how would having sex fix things? You would still have to sneak around.”

“Because I would be different! And my dad can’t control that part of me! I can. Just like Kara did! And look how things changed!”

“Yes, they did, but look at all the turmoil.”

“A lot of that was my fault,” Sandy sighed. “I’m sorry. I guess maybe part of it is that I want to show you that I’m sorry, to show you that you were right and I was wrong, and that I think Kara made the right decision.”

“And you think losing your virginity is the way to do that?”

“It’s the only way I can prove to myself that I’m in control, not my dad. And to prove it to you. According to Kara, you know how to make it perfect.”

Now that was an interesting revelation. Kara had talked to her, at least in general terms, about having sex. It really didn’t surprise me once I thought it through. If Kara knew what Sandy was asking for, she would have probably talked about how good her first time was. That told me that Sandy had thought about it in advance. But it also gave me a slightly uncomfortable feeling.

“I’m really not sure about this,” I said, “but let’s say I agree. What about birth control?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t even know how to get pregnant other than it has something to do with sex.”

“Jesus Christ, Sandy!” I exclaimed, forgetting to speak gently. “Your dad is a fucking idiot! A first class, unmitigated, God-damned fucking idiot! And your mom can’t be much better!”

“Can you not swear like that, please?”

I groaned inwardly, but managed to keep from making a sound or showing it on my face. It hit me that if she was that clueless, she probably didn’t even know what her period was for!

“I’m sorry, but I was just incensed that your dad would keep you in the dark like this. Sandy, you bleed once a month. What do you know about that?”

“Nothing, really. When it started, Mom just gave me these pads to use and said that I was becoming a woman, but I shouldn’t worry about it until I got married and it would stop when I got pregnant.”

“Oh, for the love of ... for Pete’s sake! Now this is bordering on criminal! You’re not pulling my leg? You really don’t know anything about your menstrual cycle?”

“My what?”

I seriously considered getting in my car, driving to Sandy’s house, and punching her dad’s lights out, then doing the same thing to her mom. In my mom’s most insane moments, even she wasn’t crazy enough to keep that kind of information from my little sister!

“Don’t you at least talk to other girls? And ask questions?”

“Just Ruth and a few others, just like us. None of us were allowed to go to sex ed in health class. Nobody told us anything. We talk about stuff, but we’re only guessing.”

“Why not talk to Kara or Susie or someone who knew? Kara was allowed to go to sex ed.”

“We were told it was only for marriage and our husbands would tell us what we needed to know.”

“And how the heck were your husbands supposed to know if they didn’t go to health class, either? You know, in Sweden they start teaching this stuff to eight-year-olds! What you’re telling me is just too crazy for words!”

“Then I’m talking to the right guy. You know all this stuff. You can explain it. Will you help me? Teach me about it? And show me? Please?”

“I need to think about this, Sandy. It’s a big deal. Bigger than I think you realize. I’m really concerned.”

“It’s my decision. I’m sixteen and I think I’m old enough to decide. I mean, I can’t force you to do anything, obviously, but shouldn’t it be my decision? I’ve heard that you’ve said that.”

“Yes, I have. Will you let me think about it? Let’s go back to our friends and I’ll think about it while we’re at the fireworks and let you know.”

“And Ruth?”

“You two worked this out together after you talked to Kara?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll think about it. Let’s go back.”

We walked back out to the party. It was almost time to head to East Fork for the fireworks. Kara, Bethany, Stephanie, and I started putting away the snacks and collecting empty cups and drink bottles, as well as empty plates and bowls. About 9:30pm, just as the Sun was setting, we piled into cars and headed to East Fork. Most people took their own cars, planning to head straight home from the park. I was happy to be in the car alone with Kara.

“Honey, are you sure about this?” I asked as we drove towards the park.

“Are you going to do it?” she asked.

I was torn. I wanted to for a bunch of reasons, not the least of which, both girls were cute and had nice bodies. Contrary to what I thought about Sandy before, I was pretty sure that once she got past being nervous, she was going to be a handful. Once she had an orgasm, she wasn’t going to want to stop. Ruth, I wasn’t so sure about, but she had ground herself against me during that last dance.

There were also good reasons not to do it. I was concerned about the changes that Kara was going through. They made sense, to an extent, but this seemed to cross a line that was different from the one that we crossed with Joyce. She’d been ready to make love with me and Joyce again, but I’d stepped in and set a limit. That was the nagging concern, really — that Kara wasn’t sure where the lines and limits were and she might do something she’d regret.

I was also concerned about their motives, though, in the end, Sandy’s real motive seemed to be to wrest control of her life from her dad. I wasn’t sure sex was the way to do it, but then again, it was, in effect, the way I had done it. It was something my mom couldn’t control, despite her best efforts to do so. And the way Kara had done it. That’s when the realization hit me that it might actually be OK. Could I really say ‘no’ to Sandy when her motive was, at least in part, the same one that I had? The same as the one Kara had? I needed to find Bethany when we got to East Fork.

“I haven’t decided,” I said. “I’m asking you if you’re sure about this. You’ve had a pretty wild swing from barely tolerating me being with Joyce or Kathy to telling me to have fun in Sweden and now not only being OK with me having sex with Sandy or Ruth, but encouraging it. The whole situation with Joyce is a pretty major swing as well. I’m a little worried about you, Honey.”

Kara was quiet a moment, then said, “In the past I would have accused you of treating me like the naïve little girl you met in chemistry class, but you aren’t doing that. You’re talking to me like an equal, like any of your other friends. I like that. We talked before about how I’ve changed. With Joyce, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. You know we slept in the same bed a lot while you were gone. We didn’t do anything except cuddle, though like I said, it was kind of intimate cuddling where she would cup my breast with her hand. I wanted to do more, but I need you there with me for the reasons I told you — I need you there.

“As for the situation with Sandy and Ruth, in the end, what do two more girls matter? You’ve had fifty or so, why not fifty-two? It’s taken a while, but I’ve come completely to terms with who you are. And who you are is my boyfriend, my future husband, and the future father of my children. You enjoy fooling around like this. You won’t be able to do it once I come to Chicago. Well, with the possible exception of Joyce, if that becomes possible. Did you have fun in Sweden? Did it hurt anyone?”

“I did, and no, it didn’t. Your casual attitude towards me having sex with other girls is a bit much to take, though. It reminds me of who I used to be and I’m not sure I want to be that person again,” I said.

“But you aren’t that person. You are completely under control. You are thinking straight. You’re considering what you’re doing and whether or not you should do it. You’re talking to me and Bethany about it. If I wasn’t in the picture and those two girls offered you their virginity, would you have sex with them?”

I chuckled, “It would be very likely. No, that’s not true. Of course I would, assuming they were fully consenting. But you are in the picture, Honey.”

“I am, but I’m telling you I’m OK with it. I think that you’ll enjoy it and I’m telling you that it won’t hurt me at all. You aren’t going to be with them more than once, and it has the added benefit of payback. Your dad didn’t let you hit Pastor Kent, and that’s a good thing. But this would hurt him more than a punch in the nose! You even talked about it at one point.”

“I would NOT do this for revenge. I would do this because Sandy and Ruth asked, and because you’re OK with it. Sandy’s reasons were actually logical. My real concern is that she is completely, and I mean completely, ignorant of even her own body! She has no clue what her period is about.”

“I’m not surprised. That could have been me. If mom hadn’t insisted that I be allowed to go to sex ed in health class, I would have had no idea about even simple things like my period. And who would I have been able to ask? One of the guys? I’d have been mortified! Most of my friends weren’t allowed in the class either. Ruth’s parents actually forbade her talking to any of the girls who went to sex ed! And she followed what her parents said.

“As for revenge,” Kara smiled almost evilly, “well, like I said, it’s a bonus. But really, it’s Sandy and Ruth deciding that they want to push back against their parents’ control. It’s something they can do. It was one of my motives, Steve. I needed to have that little piece of me removed to make me free of my dad’s control. It worked, didn’t it?”

I nodded soberly, though I wasn’t sure she could see me in the darkened car.

“Yes, it worked,” I said quietly, “and maybe too well. You think that Sandy and Ruth are both ready to rebel against their parents by giving up their virginity to the notorious Steve Adams? That they believe that removing their hymens will somehow set them free?”

“I do, actually,” Kara said with a sly smile. “And honestly, that’s the real reason why I think you should do it. Who else could they turn to? You can do for them what you did for me. Set them free from their parents’ control.”

“Wow! I hadn’t really thought of it that way. I’m going to talk to Bethany again, if you don’t mind.”

“Are you going to do it?”

“Maybe,” I replied. “Let me talk to Bethany and then let’s watch the fireworks.”

“And then you can create your own fireworks afterwards.”

“If I do, you and I can’t make love tonight,” I said.

“I know. I have my car at your house. I’ll go home if you decide to go through with it.”

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I parked the car at East Fork and we joined the rest of our friends. We spread blankets on the grass and I asked Bethany if she’d take a short walk with me.

“Sweetheart, I’m still confused, but something that Kara said kind of resonated and makes sense, but I need to ask you about it.”

Bethany sighed, “Do you know what you calling me ‘Sweetheart’ does to me?”

“I’m sorry, I can stop doing it, I guess.”

“Don’t you dare! You saying that to me makes me feel so loved and just melts me. And you know what happens when something melts, right?” she asked with a smirk.

“Bethany Michelle Krajick!” I chuckled, “You are steady with Gene!”

“I am. I didn’t say I was going to throw you down in the grass and fuck your brains out, just that you make me wet when you call me ‘Sweetheart’. Don’t ever stop doing that, Steve. Please.”

“OK,” I chuckled as I adjusted my pants, “but you saying that had the reaction you intended!”

“Good! It serves you right! Anyway, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Kara told me that she had sex with me, at least partly, to break the control her dad had over her. That removing that ‘little piece’ of her was the key to setting her free. She thinks that’s ultimately the reason that Sandy and Ruth want to do this — their hymens represent their parents’ control over them and by having me break them, even symbolically, they’ll be free.”