Chapter 10: Karin

June 1982, Stockholm, Sweden

Three and a half hours after leaving Göteborg, the train pulled into the station in Stockholm and came to a stop. I grabbed my bags and stepped off the train onto the platform. Karin waved and walked over to me.

“«Hej Steve!»” she said with a smile.

“«Hej Karin!»” I responded, setting my bags down on the platform.

We stood looking at each other for a moment and then she stepped close for a quick hug. She picked up the smaller of my bags and we headed for the subway. About twenty minutes later, we arrived at the Brommaplan subway, walked a few blocks and were soon in apartment 6B. I took off my shoes and picked up my bags and walked down the hall. I turned to go into Birgit’s old room, but Karin called after me.

“My room, Steve,” she said firmly.

I turned around and put my bags in her room and went back to the living room.

“I’ll make some tea and we can talk,” she said. “Then we’re going to make love.”

I nodded and sat on the couch in the living room. She started the water for the tea and came and sat on the couch, but not too close.

“What’s happened with us?” she asked, coming right to the point.

Karin was being very direct and there was no point in beating around the bush.

“It seems that we’ve drifted apart. Part of it is the distance. Even though we talk almost every week, you’re still far away. But I suspect the biggest part is Birgit. It just feels as if she’s the thing pulling us together. I made love with you that first time thinking you were Birgit. You remind me of her and I’m afraid that I’m in love with the idea of being in love with you because of Birgit.”

“Yes,” she replied, “I think that’s exactly it. Forget the tea. Let me go turn off the kettle. We have something to do.”

She went to the kitchen to turn off the stove and then came back to the living room.

“Put your shoes on. Let’s go.”

I knew exactly where she wanted us to go. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my fedora, and followed her out the door. On the way, I stopped at the same flower shop that I had two years previous and bought flowers, both from me and from the Spencers. It dawned on me that it was eight days past the anniversary of Birgit’s death — June 10th. I suddenly wished I’d made different arrangements for the trip, but realized that with the Schillerska graduation ceremony being on the 11th, it would have been difficult to do both.

I stopped dead in my tracks when a thought hit me like a freight train — the living are more important than the dead — Let the dead bury the dead, Jesus had said, instructing a young man to attend to spiritual matters. But the verse said something else to me in the current context. Karin took a couple of steps before she realized that I’d stopped. She turned to look at me.

“Steve?”

“I think I may owe you a huge apology. In fact, I’m sure of it. Let’s take care of this visit first, then I’ll explain. I need to think a bit more before we talk so I can get my thoughts in order.”

“OK,” she said, a small smile forming on her face.

We arrived at the churchyard and I walked directly to Birgit’s resting place. I saw no trace at all the letter I’d left there nearly three years ago for her, nor the one I’d left six months later for my unborn child. I put the flowers against the headstone. I stood silently for a minute, remembering my first true love, then turned to Karin.

“Let’s go back to the apartment,” I said.

She nodded, smiling again. We walked out of the churchyard and back towards the apartment.

It seemed to me that Karin had accomplished exactly what she’d set out to do. To make me finally, once and for all, admit to myself that Birgit was dead and was never, ever coming back. I had always known that intellectually, but now I felt it, deep in my soul. And I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t upset. It really was time to move on. Birgit, once I’d met her, had affected every choice I’d made when she was alive and many more after she’d died. My friends had even acknowledged that when they talked about me maturing and growing up — that I was becoming the man Birgit knew I could be.

I now understood that I’d let a ghost control far too much of my life. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her; I most certainly did. It wasn’t that I didn’t miss her; for I did that nearly every day. It didn’t hurt like it used to; but the feeling was still there, always lurking under the surface, affecting just about everything I did. And it had to stop, or I was going to make a real mess of things. I had to do what was right for me, not what I thought Birgit expected of me. I hadn’t consciously thought that way, but I knew that deep down, that was what was driving me.

In some ways, it was a good thing. She’d had the utmost confidence in me and had encouraged me when I was at my lowest, feeling depressed and responding with crazy emotional outbursts. Those were things of the past now, and I had friends who had that same confidence in me. There were quite a few of them, in fact, and the most important of them was Kara. But she wasn’t the only one. My trip here had shown me that. Another thought hit me and I stopped in my tracks once again.

I couldn’t please Birgit at this point any more than I could please my mom. And yet, I still allowed her memory to influence the way I thought. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I had let it interfere with my relationship with her sister and it had eventually caused a divide. A divide I should never have allowed to happen. I wondered if it was too late to repair the damage, and, even if I repaired the damage, did it matter? I was, for all intents and purposes, committed to Kara, and didn’t see that changing.

That commitment, despite my sister referring to it as being fitted with a ball and chain, didn’t feel like the commitment that I’d had with Jennifer — one that had eventually led us down a destructive path, most likely because I wasn’t honest and open with her like I should have been. To be sure, Jennifer had not been open and honest with me, but even if she had, I was still, deep down, thinking about Birgit and holding Birgit up as the ideal for every other young woman I was involved with. And that, I was now certain, was not only wrong, but a recipe for disaster.

When we got back to the apartment, I slipped off my shoes, hung my fedora on the coat rack, and walked down the hall to stand in the door of Birgit’s room. Only it wasn’t her room any more. Just as Karin had said, the pictures were moved out, but also, the furniture had been rearranged, the curtains and duvet had been changed and there was, indeed, nothing left of what had been, in my mind longer than in reality, Birgit’s room. Now, it was just a room. Without a word, I walked back to the living room and quickly scanned it. I saw the pictures that had once been in her room. They were in various places, but they were all there — Birgit and me, Birgit and Melanie, Larry, Birgit and me, and Karin and Birgit.

Karin stood silently while I moved from picture to picture. When I’d come to the last one, the one of her and Birgit, I knew exactly what I had to do. I took a few steps across the room, took Karin’s hand and led her to her room. We wordlessly undressed, climbed into her bed, and made love, now truly and finally, as Steve and Karin. The joining of our bodies, touching at so many points, inside and out, was a near spiritual experience. The unhurried, slow motions of our lovemaking, staring deeply into each other’s eyes, eventually gave way to the ultimate pleasure as she clenched me tightly and I poured myself into her, both figuratively and literally.

When we finished, and our bodies had provided comfort, pleasure, and most importantly, love, we lay cuddled together in her bed. I pulled the duvet over us and finally, it was time to talk.

“Before you say anything,” Karin said softly, “I want you to know something. Something important. The love you had for Birgit showed me just how much love you had to give. I hope you understand, now, that my love for you, my giving myself to you in this way, is not Birgit loving you through me. Yes, that happened one time, and that one time can never be recreated no matter how much you might want it. Birgit was my sister, but she’s not me and I’m not her. I’m giving you my heart, my soul, and my body, for me, and me alone. When you finally realize this, and really take it to heart, you’ll find me here, with you, always and forever.”

I nodded and took a deep breath.

“I owe you an apology,” I said. “Every time I looked at you, even when you were in Milford, I saw your sister. I thought I was past that, but I wasn’t, and every time I thought of you, I thought of her. I guess I realized that I was still in love with her, and that love was clouding everything. Over the last six months or so, I’ve pushed you away because I didn’t think I could separate you and Birgit, either in my mind or heart. I was wrong, and I’ve made a real mess of things. I’m sorry.”

“There’s no mess,” she said. “There’s nothing broken that can’t be fixed. In fact, it’s not really broken. We both know that until I graduate from «gymnasiet», we can’t even think about a future together. That’s three years from now. A lot can happen in three years. Maybe you will end up with Kara, and if that’s what happens, I’ll be quite sad, but I won’t hate you, nor will I regret anything that’s happened between us. If this week is the last time we ever make love, so be it. I don’t think it will be; I think that Fate has something more important in store for us in the future.”

She lifted her head from my chest to kiss me softly, and then continued.

“But, just in case, I want to spend every moment we can, naked, together, in this bed. Talking, making love, and, sometimes, just fucking each other silly. I told you before, I’ll do anything you want, and I know you will do the same. My body, like my heart, belongs to you, Steve. It’s been that was from the very first day I saw you when I was thirteen. I’m sixteen now and nothing has changed. I love you, Steve Adams.”

I pulled her tight to me, “I love you, Karin Andersson.”

“So, about that fucking each other silly...” she smirked.

Our bodies came together again, but this was not lovemaking — it was pure, primal fucking. And yet, I sensed in the frantic motions of our bodies, pure love, whether it was mutual oral pleasure or simply me pounding hard into her, our mutual, explosive orgasm at the end left us sweaty, gasping for breath, and, more importantly, basking in our love for one another. We lay together, bodies entangled, for several minutes.

“I think we need to change the sheets,” Karin giggled. “It’s not just that giant wet spot but all the sweat! Let’s change the sheets then shower together!”

“Your wish is my command!” I replied happily.

We quickly stripped the sheets off the bed and took the cover off the duvet. We put fresh linens on the bed, then went to the shower. Karin adjusted the spray, and we stepped in. I pulled her to me and held her tight as the water coursed over our bodies. She lifted her head for a kiss and our tongues began a battle for control. We held each other tight and kissed without stopping for several minutes. Karin broke the kiss and put her head on my chest.

“There’s one thing we haven’t done yet!” she giggled. “Want to?”

I chuckled and grabbed the bottle of baby oil that she’d left on the edge of the tub.

“Absolutely,” I said with a grin.

“I figure we have to wash after we do it anyway, so why not in the shower?!”

I used the baby oil to lubricate both of our bodies and was about to turn her around.

“No. Sit!” she said.

I sat down in the tub and Karin turned to face me, then straddled me, taking hold of my dick and holding it straight up. She lowered herself until she had my glans pressed against her rear entrance. I helped support her, and she took a couple of deep breaths and relaxed, and pushed downward. The head of my well-oiled dick popped into her rear, and she moaned softly. She adjusted her angle a bit and took a couple of deep breaths, leaned back a bit to improve the angle, and slowly sank down on my shaft until I was fully embedded in her butt.

Karin started rocking back and forth, and squeezing her muscles tight. She smiled, then dropped her hand between us and began gently rubbing her clit. I lowered my head to her breast and sucked gently on her nipple and tightly gripped her lower cheeks. Less than a minute later, she slipped the tip of her finger into her pussy and groaned. Over the next few minutes, she had two more orgasms, then took my face in her hands and pulled me from her breast. She leaned forward to French kiss me and began rocking faster and squeezing her muscles tighter. It didn’t take long after that before I groaned loudly into Karin’s mouth and fired several spurts of cum into her clenching butt.

“It’s after 2:00pm. I think we need some lunch so we can have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon!” Karin declared, then kissed me softly.

“That’s a good plan!” I said, kissing her back.

She slowly lifted herself off of me and grabbed a bar of soap. She thoroughly washed my dick, then turned off the shower. She grabbed a towel and dried me, and then I did the same for her. We went back to her room, and I picked up my underwear to put them on, but Karin stopped me.

“No clothes in the house until you leave!” she grinned.

“What about your parents?”

“They won’t care. But we should probably wear robes to cook and eat.”

I took my black and purple robe out of by bag and she got a very short, white robe from her closet. We went to the kitchen, and I sliced cheese and bread while Karin made potato soup. She got two bottles of Grappo from the fridge and set them on the table. When the soup was ready, we ate, then cleaned up the kitchen and then went back to Karin’s room and got into bed. Karin moved on top of me and rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and put my ankles on top of hers. I pulled the duvet over us.