Chapter 1

"I'm heading to the gym, be back later."

A simple sentence like that could have countless different implications depending on the context. It could imply that I wasn't content with my physical health. But I don't really care about my physical health unless I was suffering pain or facing imminent death from some sort of organ failure. It could imply that I was trying to change my long term appearance for others, like my girlfriend. But she didn't mention anything positive about it since I started going six months ago, even though she occasionally tells me that I needed some change in my life. It could imply that I was making an excuse to meet other women. But I don't find anything wrong with my current situation, even though Cindy doesn't believe so. I think that's why she actually came to the gym with me a couple of times some months ago. She probably thought I was going out to cheat on her multiple nights a week but when we arrived and my fellow regulars greeted me, she was placated. I guess I can't really judge her for her unspoken accusations.

People are different. Some people tend to distrust others when they feel unsatisfied with their answers. Going with me to the gym to quell that distrust, instead of staying at home watching television, is a change from her regular lifestyle. Making that change is taking a step away from being in that unsatisfied state.

When I told my father about being unsatisfied with my own life, he told me I was looking a bit skinny. That I should go to the gym and that it would make me feel better. I honestly don't feel any better. The only changes I've felt were all physical. I've put on thirty or so pounds. At my last checkup a month ago, my doctor told me that weighing one hundred eighty-two pounds was pretty healthy for someone at my height of six feet. I also told him I always felt a bit down, but more so in the last couple of months. He just wrote it off as a 'lack of fresh air'. He told me that it was a common thing amongst me and my co-workers (he was the doctor most people in my father's firm went to). He said that between spending so much time in the office and the gym, that I should 'go outside and take in more fresh air'. I was skeptical but whatever, doctors know best.

Take in more fresh air. That was what I had in mind when my girlfriend Cindy suggested that we go for a walk.

"Well I was heading to the gym-" I started to say.

"That can wait, it's going to be dark soon, let's go for a walk now and after you can do whatever." She said.

I don't consider myself whipped or anything and god knows I've already spent quite a few nights by going to the gym or staying late at the office working a few cases. And she was oddly calm about her request as well, as opposed to her usual scowl at me being absent from home.

So I obliged. "Sure, let me get my phone." Then came her scowl. I knew what she scowled about, it was the noise cancellation earphones that I plugged into the phone that in turn I plugged to my ears. My guess was that she wanted me to be attentive whereas I thought that since she was taking my alone time at the gym, I would at least retain some of that alone time with listening to my music. The new Breaking Benjamin album came out a week ago on June 23rd, and I was listening to it whenever I could get the chance.

We walked to the park across from our apartment in New York. It wasn't that chilly in September so neither of us brought our coats. As we walked past the playground I realized that we weren't holding hands, which we usually did during walks like these. I just thought it was because of her still being mad that I had my earphones in. We walked to a bench across from the playground. There were a few children out and their respective parents sitting on nearby benches. Cindy sat down. She might have said something like, "let's sit down here", but I honestly couldn't hear anything except my music.

We sat down in silence, breathing in that fresh air for about five minutes when her lips moved. I think she probably said something about the weather. When I didn't respond, she looked at me annoyingly then proceeded to yank out one of my earphones.

I sighed as I paused the song and took out the other earphone gently.

"We need to talk." Cindy said.

"Okay?" I replied. Last time she said that was half a year ago when we first graduated law school together. I thought she was going to break up with me as if I was just her fling in school. Turned out she wanted a huge talk about her dissatisfaction in our relationship.

After several long moments to gather her thoughts she began to speak,

"Look, we-" then stopped and looked at the ground.

"Is this about being dissatisfied in our relationship again? You said you wanted me to make some positive changes and I started going to the gym and cutting out the junk-." I started to ramble.

"You don't get it do you?" She interrupted.

"Get what?" I responded. I was thinking of that 'typical woman' stereotype in television where the man is supposed to read minds.

"You're a smart guy, you've graduated law school. Hell, we both did. Then your father hired both of us to work at his firm, one of the biggest in New York. Stupid people don't get hired there, and yet you're coming off as very stupid right now." She said the last bit firmly but cautiously as if she was expecting some retaliation.

When none was coming, Cindy looked around the park and made sure no one else was eavesdropping before continuing, "You're not going to say anything? See, that is the problem!"

I looked around dumbly, reaffirming her suspicions that no one else in the park was paying attention before responding. "What?" I said dumbly.

"You don't care."

"Care about what?"

"About us. About anything!"

Saying 'what?' again would continue my appearance as a neanderthal so I put on my neutral 'lawyer' face that I practiced many times in the mirror and tried to look calculating.

There was a long uncomfortable silence during in which, I was replaying what what just said in my head. To an outsider, the words 'you don't care' is too big of a jump from me just not responding to her insulting me. Although I didn't quite come to the same conclusion as her, this wasn't the first time she has mentioned this. Over the course of our three years together, she has hinted towards it, the most obvious of which was during that platonic talk half a year ago.