6: Minstrel

After sleeping warm, tightly holding each other in our shelter, we set about our next ruse. We needed wood blocks. When you don't have stringed instruments or wind instruments, you must make do with percussion. We didn't have time to carve a flute and couldn't afford a cithara. I'd learned a few Chaos folk songs and found that the people loved any song about the Slaver War and King Sid or King Malcolm. You could about make up anything you wanted and they'd eat it up, or so we believed. We made a series of wood blocks and tuned them as best we could. For most people, a woodblock makes a high or a low sound. They don't understand the finer tuning anyway. When we had a collection that Lisa could grab and strike with a stick, we decided it was time to get ready to go to town.

I used charcoal to paint a mime's eye makeup on Lisa. I even outlined her lips, being careful not to get the charcoal onto the part that she might lick or that might touch her food. The truth was that she looked more like Batman's Joker than a mime, but we could sell it. It was my intent to see that she never spoke and gave away the fact she was a woman.

It was nearing dark when we made our way back into the town and went directly to the inn. It was easy to identify both Ariel Songbird and her keeper, Jules. Ariel kept the bar and Jules kept order. Another serving wench shuttled food and drink to the tables. We went through the common room as I thumped along on my canes. I went straight to the innkeeper.

"Might two poor entertainers sing and dance for a meal?" I whined.

"You've no instrument to play," Jules growled. His voice was a tenor, but had been damaged badly enough that it sounded raspy. I could see the marks of a slave collar still on his neck. "And how does a man on sticks dance?" The room laughed. The innkeeper coughed and spat a black wad from his throat at the fireplace.

"We have a room full of instrumentation and a dance on sticks should surely be entertaining, no?" I said.

"Jules," Ariel said. She smiled at the innkeeper. "Let them."

"Sure," he growled. "If the customers don't throw you out first, I'll give you a bowl of stew."

Lisa made a show of putting five wood blocks on the bar and drawing forth her baton. She made a show of arranging the blocks then picking each up to strike. When she was satisfied, she raised the baton and started conducting. Whatever she was doing, it had nothing at all to do with the song I launched into. May he forgive me, but I started singing about how King Sid had slain seven giant slavers with a single blow of his sword. I remembered a tailor who had done something like that. Lisa picked up wood blocks and struck them randomly as I sang my epic tale to the tune of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'

A pinch was thrown toward us and Jules picked it up and placed it on the bar behind me.

"More!" bellowed a drunk in the corner.

"Dance!" called another.

"Maestro!" I said, waving at Lisa. Again, she waved her baton randomly and struck a block. I started singing about a battle that was recorded in Seth's journal and then turned it into a lively romance. Lisa picked up the tempo on the blocks, following me as I tapped my canes on the floor. I hooked a stool and laid across it, making it look like my torso was suspended on the canes. I manipulated a second stool with the sticks as if I were dancing with the four-legged furniture. There was applause as I finished and a few more pinches were tossed my direction. Jules gathered them and placed them on the bar.

"Now my friends, let me tell you the tale of a hero. You may never have heard of him, but his name was Seth. The story says that Seth came from a faraway kingdom to seek adventure and found a fair maiden held captive in a tower. Here is what happened," I said. Lisa again waved her baton and began striking the blocks. I started setting a tempo by tapping my cane on one of the stools and she soon fell into the same rhythm.

And I started the Rapunzel Rap.

I used the canes to tap on everything I could reach, occasionally planting one and spinning around it as I came to rest facing another table. I clanked a couple of mugs and a pitcher, the bar top, stools, and the top of a fop's head. Gently, of course. I made a hollow knocking sound with my mouth as I tapped. The room was laughing and soon joined in the chorus, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" The story went on some time and I kept it going until I couldn't think of anything else to suggest. I'd had her let down her armpit hair, her pubic hair, and even her mustache. The whole room was laughing when I finally used the canes to tap out an elaborate drum solo on the nearest table and end it.

Holy shit, I was exhausted!

There was a rain of pinches and Jules gathered them up on the counter as Lisa and I sat and collapsed with our heads forward. There was laughter and cheers. When we lifted our heads, two bowls of stew were in front of us and a pile of pinches.

"Well done, Master Minstrel," Ariel laughed as she poured us each a mug of watered wine. "I've not heard such music on Chaos. You must come from far away." I could see the glint in her eye. Just a touch of hopefulness?

"Yes. Over sea, over dale. We must hit the dusty trail," I sang.

"And what are your names?"

"I am called Lincoln," I said. "My trusty director is Lees." I lowered my voice. "I fear he has no more voice than brains." Lisa pulled out her baton and rapped me smartly on the head.

"Well, Lincoln Minstrel," said Jules, "do you wish to trade some of your income for a room for the night?"

"Ah, you just want my gold," I squeaked.

"I was thinking about keeping you from brigands. Two rather nasty ones saw what you were earning and it was enough to put stars in their eyes. I fear they are waiting in the street for you," he said. "If at all possible, I would like you to be alive to sing again tomorrow. My Ariel enjoyed your performance." He reached across the bar and stroked Ariel's cheek. She smiled and moved to caress his hand with her face. Fuck! She's in love! This was not the kind of rescue I was thinking of.

"Thank you for your kindness," I said. "We have a comfortable bed some way from here, but would gladly exchange a quad for a blanket."

"Well, I can arrange that, I suppose." The inn was beginning to empty of all but the devoted drinkers. I didn't want to be around if the late night crowd got rowdy.

"Thank you, kind sir," I said. "With that and your good wishes, we will take our leave. Let everyone know that Minstrel Lincoln will have a return engagement at dinner tomorrow." Jules shuffled off as I stuffed half the coins in my vest pocket and gave half to Lisa, leaving four on the bar. He brought back a blanket that I thanked him for.

"I would leave out the back if I were you, and stay away from the main street," he said. We did as he suggested and when we crossed near the stable, we could see the rogues waiting in shadows where they could see the entrance to the inn. Lisa and I slipped out of town and into the woods. We agreed not to have a fire, just in case they were watching the woods. We huddled beneath our blanket in a tree not far from our lean-to.

It seems our extra precaution was not necessary. We didn't see or hear anything creeping around all night and spent an uncomfortable time trying not to fall out of the tree and break our backs. Been there, done that. We climbed down and I immediately fell over. I'm actually pretty stable on my legs now, but dropping from a branch seven feet up was a surprise. Of course, Lisa was all over me and that was pretty nice. I held her down and kissed her soundly.

We didn't bother building a fire. I tore a bandana in half and we sacrificed it to the toilet gods. Then we went downstream a ways and washed the pieces as thoroughly as possible.

"What are we going to do?" Lisa finally whispered.

"I think I'm going to have to redo your makeup and then we'll go into town and try to get a few supplies. Maybe I can get a meal for a magic trick," I said.

"I know that part," Lisa hissed. "What are we going to do about them? They're in love. Did you see the way she looked at him? And touched his hand? We can't just kidnap her and take her away."

"You're right. Which means that we don't have a rescue and we are stuck here. So, we need to start acquiring the things we need to survive. They liked us there. Let's see if they'll give us a job," I said. "First, food."

We managed to exchange a pinch for a loaf of bread and some cheese. As we slowly munched on the dry, gag-you-in-the-throat breakfast, we wandered back toward the inn and both decided we needed some watered wine or we'd have bread and cheese stuck in our mouths all day—if we didn't choke. It was someone different behind the bar and I didn't see Ariel or Jules around at all. I checked to make sure we were in the same inn.

"No outside food or drink," the bartender snapped. I shoved the crust of bread in my pocket and put a pinch on the counter asking for watered wine. He scowled and then set a pitcher and two mugs in front of us, snatching away the pinch.

"Where are Jules and Ariel?" I asked.

"Not your concern now, is it?" he growled.

"No. I guess not." Something was wrong. I glanced around and saw three men playing cards. No one else was in the common room. It was early, but in a town this size, there was always someone in an inn. I wondered if there had been no guests last night.

"You!" shouted one of the men at the table, pointing at me. "We need a fourth for our game. Bring your drink and your money." I shuffled over, making a big show of using my canes to walk and have Lisa bring up the drinks.

"I'm beggin' your pardon, kind sir. I cannot play cards," I said.

"We'll teach you."

"Oh no. It's not that I don't know how to play cards. I can't do it. I'm not allowed."

"Simpleton!" the fellow bellowed. He looked at Lees. "Who doesn't allow you to lose your money at a good honest card game?"

"Well, that's the problem, sir. When I sit at cards, it is no longer an honest game. I cheat." The three men laughed. Well, that was a good sign.

"There," said a tall, skinny player. "There is a pinch that is yours if you can cheat me out of it. If I catch you whatever is yours is mine."

"Hardly worth it for a pinch," I said. "A quad, maybe." He laughed and took another drink of his wine. Then he pushed out a quad. "Each," I said. The big guy who had called me over in the first place scowled. A small weasel-looking guy sat between them and said nothing, just squinting at me. But he was the first to toss a quad in the pot. The big guy followed suit. I reached for the deck of cards and spun them in a circle, fanning them from the center. If they'd been smart, they'd have grabbed their quads right then and run. As I gathered the cards back into a pack, I riffled them and separated the ace to the bottom. I did a false shuffle, cut the cards, palmed the ace, and arced the cards from one hand to the other. The barman had wandered over to watch over weasel's shoulder.

I handed the deck to Long Tall. "Cut?" I asked. He cut the cards. I nodded toward Weasel and he grabbed the deck and shuffled them then pushed the deck to Bellower. He cut and pushed the deck to the center. "Do you want in on this, too?" I asked the barman. "Otherwise you have to turn your back." He growled and shoved a quad onto the table. I flicked the top card over to Long Tall. "Put this queen with the one in your sleeve," I said. These guys had worked together for a long time. I'd seen him slip a card into his sleeve when he cut. I knew it was a queen because I'd put it on top. Bellower knew it was a queen because he'd made the last cut. While I straightened the deck, I dropped the ace on top. I placed my finger on the deck. "Beneath my finger is the ace of spades," I intoned.