Chapter 29: It Was All Lies and Deception

August, 1981, Milford, Ohio

She was quiet for several minutes, which allowed me to think. I let her stew in everything I said while I ran through it all in my mind. Fundamentally, it was the exact same situation I had been in a year ago — I didn’t WANT to fix the problem. It took the combined efforts of Doctor Mercer, Jennifer, Bethany, Stephanie, Joyce, Melanie, and Pete to get me to admit that and try to fix it. Now, I was trying, all by myself, to get Jennifer to admit to the same thing and fix it.

The role-reversal here was interesting. For four years, Jennifer had been pushing me to improve myself. She’d done everything she could to get me to think differently, to act differently, and she’d succeeded. Of all my friends, Jennifer had pushed me the hardest. Joyce had been consistent, but she was rarely as direct as Jennifer had been. With Bethany, although she could be tough, I always knew that she’d stick with me no matter what, which took the edge off. Of course, I couldn’t forget Stephanie, but almost always her role was as a sounding board and she was the person to slap me upside the head, virtually most of the time, but once for real, and to get me to listen to the other girls in my life.

Now I was in a situation where I had a few days to convince Jennifer to get help. I knew Melanie was on my side and would be just as tough on Jennifer. But I didn’t think that was enough. I needed more help. I needed Larry, Bethany and, most of all, my little sister. If the five of us got together, we might just pull this off. Now I had to answer my own question — what was it that I really wanted to pull off?

Firstly, she had to acknowledge the problem. Secondly, she had to quit drinking and quit smoking pot — not because I really cared about her doing those things, but because of the reason she had for doing them. Thirdly, she had to get professional help. And finally, she had to quit trying to deceive people. She had to learn to be open and honest with the people who loved her.

And that was the bottom line. We all loved her. I didn’t have any romantic feelings for her at this point, but I loved her. I knew the rest of my friends did as well. We needed to make sure she knew that and make sure that she knew that we were there for her. I wasn’t sure how to do that, but I was willing to go to almost any length. The one line I couldn’t cross was having her as a girlfriend, at least not anytime soon, and most likely not ever.

Finally, after about ten minutes, she spoke.

“Can you help me, Steve?”

“Of course I can! I’m not sitting here with you because I feel sorry for you or because I feel guilty. I’m sitting here because I love you and I want to help you. But that means you have to want to help yourself. Do you remember telling me things like this a year ago?”

“Yes, I remember. I told you that I could only help you if you really wanted to change. And only if you wanted it for yourself.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Do you want to fix your problems? I mean really, deep down? And your answer has to contain no lies and no deception.”

She just stared at me, her eyes glassy. She still had her knees pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on them. It struck me that the internal struggle she was having was with opening herself up completely to me. She had some other secret, or perhaps details about the secrets she had told me about, that she was afraid to reveal. Something that she thought would be so devastating that it would be worth staying in the living hell she was in. I couldn’t fathom what it could be.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I want to change.”

“Then you have to tell me what you’re hiding from me. There’s something that scares you to death to reveal.”

“I can’t!” she whined.

And at that moment, I knew what it was. I was absolutely sure. At one time, years ago, revealing the lie might have changed everything. Now, it didn’t matter. The lie hurt, but it no longer mattered the way it would have. She had lied and deceived me about so many things that, at this point, this one was almost inconsequential.

“Yes, you can. You know you can tell me anything at all, Jennifer. It won’t change anything at this point. It won’t make me love you any less. And it won’t destroy our friendship.”

“I can’t!”

“I’m going to ask the question. I’m pretty sure I know the answer. I want the truth, Jennifer. The whole truth. Did you have sex with Ted?”

She was silent for a moment, with tears welling up in her eyes. That told me I was right. I just waited.

“Yes,” she sobbed. “It was horrible! I hated him and I hated myself! That’s why I broke up with him! That’s why I didn’t have my cherry! I lied to you, Steve! I lied to you!”

I took a deep breath before continuing. “And it was after we played strip chess, but before you asked me to make love to you.”

“Yes.”

I did the only thing I could do at that point. I took her in my arms and held her tight. She completely broke down in tears, sobbing. Her body shook, wracked with sobs.

“You hate me!” she choked out between sobs.

“No, I do not. I do not hate you Jennifer. I could never hate you, no matter what.”

“But I wasn’t a virgin! I lied to you!” she wailed.

“Jennifer, I love you.”

“Just hold me, please!” she begged.

I did. She cried for about ten minutes before she got herself under control. I looked at the clock and saw that we had about twenty minutes before Melanie and her mom arrived home. Jennifer looked like hell again, and I didn’t want Mrs. Spencer to decide to intervene.

I took Jennifer’s hand and led her upstairs, then upstairs again to the second floor, and into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature. I helped her remove her clothes and step into the shower. I looked at her and she nodded. I stripped off my clothes and got in. Just as Joyce had done for me after Birgit’s death, I washed Jennifer, starting with her hair and ending with her feet. There was nothing at all sexual about it. Like with Joyce, it was purely love and comfort. When I finished, I turned off the water and dried her off first, then dried myself.

I grabbed our robes and helped her into hers and walked her to the sauna. I turned it on, then spread some towels on the benches. I helped her remove her robe and wrapped her towel around her, then wrapped one around my waist and we went in. It had nothing to do with us being naked together, but I didn’t want Melanie or her mom to jump to the wrong conclusion when she arrived home. After the rocks had warmed up, I ladled a lot of water onto them to create serious steam. I sat down next to Jennifer and put my arm around her. She leaned her head on my shoulder and we sat quietly.

I was pretty sure I’d just hit on the root cause of her situation. One other thing concerned me, not from a standpoint that it made a difference in how I felt, but it would make a difference in how she felt and how she dealt with things. I wondered if she had been with another guy since me. She had denied it, and insisted that she never would because she felt it would end any chance we had of being together. I wondered if THAT was the real reason she had decided to go to Stanford. I had to ask, but I was afraid it would set her off again.

“Jennifer, can I ask you something without you losing control?”

She sighed, “Go ahead, I know what you’re going to ask; what you have to ask.”

“Your answer to this won’t change anything. I promise that. Did you decide to go to Stanford because you had sex with someone else? Did you tell me the real reason? Or was Karin a convenient fiction?”

“No, I didn’t. It was close. Very close. But I didn’t. I changed my mind at almost the last second. But that wasn’t the reason. I decided that before things got to that point. It was like you said. I was afraid to commit to you. Part of it was Karin and part of it was me. But no, I didn’t have sex with anyone.”

“And that’s the complete truth, Jennifer? No deception? You didn’t have intercourse with anyone?”

“I didn’t. I know you don’t trust me, but I didn’t. I was so afraid of committing to you and then losing you that I almost did it just to end everything in my mind!”

“That’s the same reason I slept with Becky. Trust me, I know all about that. I messed up my life pretty badly, and only Kara’s love got me through it. If it hadn’t been for her forgiveness and acceptance of me as a flawed person, everything would have gone straight to hell. She loved me, forgave me, and we moved forward together. She didn’t trust me completely, and to a point, she still doesn’t. Neither does Bethany. They have good reason. I cheated on Kara with the one person I knew would wreck all my relationships. So in some ways, we’re the same. And yes, I want to help you.”

“You mean that? Even after what I told you? You still want to help me?”

“Yes. And I know that Melanie and Stephanie do. And so will Bethany and Larry. All of us, Jennifer. I mean that.”

“Even after all the lies? All the deception?”

“Yes, Jen. We love you. All of us love you.”

And at that moment, I knew what I had to do. There was only one way I could prove to Jennifer how I felt. But that was something for later.

“I want your help. I promise I’ll do whatever you say, Steve. Anything!”

“Well, you’ve done the first thing, and that’s admit the problem and get it out in the open. None of our friends needs to know about that. They’ll trust me when I say that you’ve opened up to me. You will have to apologize to any of them that you lied to or deceived directly. You already did that with Melanie, so I wouldn’t worry about that.”

“I guess it depends on how you look at it. I did, and I didn’t. Of course, with your sister, I have to, given I told her the same lies I told you.”

“I don’t think she needs the details, Jen. Just tell her that you weren’t always completely honest and I’ll vouch for you.”

“No. I have to tell her. Especially her.”

“If you feel that’s necessary, then you should do it. Do you promise no more alcohol and pot?”

“Yes. I think I’ll be able to sleep now that I’ve gotten everything off my chest.”

“I think so, too. You also need to get professional help. Your mom is going to arrange that tomorrow. You’re to go and you’re to do exactly what your therapist or counselor tells you to do.”

“I will.”

“You have to be honest with them, too. You have to tell them everything you’ve told me and anything you haven’t. I don’t need to know any more, though if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

“I promise! I’ll be honest!”

“That means with everyone. I’m not talking about little white lies that don’t hurt anyone or even not saying something mean. You don’t have to be dumb about being honest and truthful, but no more lies or deception, Jennifer. None.”

“Do you know how hard that’s going to be?” she whispered.

“I know exactly how hard it will be. I’ve been through it myself. I know you’re scared. And I know that’s what your counselor is going to have to work on. You have to figure out exactly what it is that frightens you!”

“How did you get to be so smart?”

“I’m not. I’m a fucking idiot. But you know what? I have great friends who have sacrificed a lot to help me; friends who pushed me to improve myself. Friends who stuck with me through everything. And you know what? I still failed you, Jennifer. I walked away from you. I should never have done that. It was stupid and thoughtless and cruel.”

She smiled for the first time today, “Yes, it was. But you fixed it! And then I wrecked everything because I was so damn scared of life! Is there any way to fix it?”

“I can’t answer that question,” I said. “I’ve been beaten down by Fate so many times, I don’t even want to think about it. All you can do is what I’m doing — taking one day at a time.”

“Isn’t that scary?”

“Of course it is! But as I told Stephanie, we can either control our fear or be controlled by it. When we’re controlled by fear, things like Ted and Becky happen. When we control it, things like me and Birgit happen.”

“So what can I do to fix us?” Jennifer asked, sounding almost desperate.

“What I said. I make no promises to you, Jennifer. I can’t at this point, and honestly, I don’t know if I will be able to in the future. But until you fix yourself and show yourself to be trustworthy, it’s silly to even discuss such a thing.”

She dropped her eyes for a moment, as if digesting what I’d been saying.

“So, what are you doing in Chicago?”

“Elyse and I are sharing a two-bedroom apartment.”

“Really? Like just housemates?”

“Yes. Except for that one time at the wedding, she and I have not had sex. And I don’t think that we will. We came close once, earlier this year, but we both backed away. It was a joint decision. My life is way too complicated for her and hers is way too simple for me. I plan to date Kathy regularly. Not steady, mind you, but close to it. Bethany will be relatively close and, of course, Kara and Joyce will be here. Kara’s a bit of a problem because her dad basically has her under house arrest after she blurted out that she and I were sleeping together.”

“Whoa! She’s one of the ‘Holy Rollers’, so her parents must have completely freaked out!”

“Her dad, yes. Her mom figured it out before Kara confessed and didn’t interfere. It’s a long story I can tell you sometime.”

“And what about Karin? She was just here, wasn’t she?”

“Yes. And the only thing I can say there is that I’m open to the possibility, but right now, again, if someone forced me to pick, I’d pick Kara. I admitted that to Melanie the other day. All I promised Karin is that when I see her in June, I won’t be steady or engaged.”

“You really have put Karin in second place. God, I’m so dumb! I’ve wrecked everything!”