Chapter 28: She’s Just Not Herself

August, 1981, Milford, Ohio

I held Jennifer tightly to me as she sobbed, and Stephanie moved to hug her as well. It took her about five minutes for Jennifer to compose herself enough to even speak. She broke the hug and stepped back.

“Hi, Steve. Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry. I cried for most of the flight here. I feel so terrible!”

“I can imagine, but it’s OK now, you’re here,” I said as soothingly as I could. “Let’s get you to Melanie’s house and you can take a shower and, hopefully, that will help you feel a bit better.”

She really did look a mess. It was as if she’d stopped caring for herself at some point, and that really concerned me. I decided that when we got to Melanie’s house, I was going to call Mrs. Block and find out. If what I suspected really was the case, Jennifer was going to need professional help. If she were to go to Stanford in the state she was in, I could only see it turning into a nightmare.

“I look horrible, don’t I?” she sniffed.

“Crying will do that to you,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders. “Do you have another bag?”

“No, just this roll-on and my purse. I could fit in what I thought I needed and I can always do laundry at Melanie’s if I need to.”

We walked out to the car and after Stephanie got in the back, I helped Jennifer into the passenger seat. We made good time and were at the Spencers’ within an hour. Melanie greeted us at the door.

“Oh my God, Jennifer!” she gasped.

“Melanie, shush,” I said reprovingly. “She needs a shower and some fresh clothes.”

“Stephanie, come on,” Melanie said. “Let’s help her.”

The girls headed up the stairs and I asked Mrs. Spencer if I could use the phone to call Jennifer’s parents. She told me to go ahead, and I dialed the Seattle number. Mrs. Block answered.

“Jennifer arrived safely, Mrs. Block, but, to be honest, she looks like hell.”

“She’s been very sad for the past two months, Steve. She just hasn’t been herself.”

“She looks like she hasn’t been taking care of herself. Not to be blunt, but I really think she needs professional help.”

“So do we. She won’t go. She says nobody can fix what she did. I hope that you and Melanie can talk some sense into her!”

“We’ll do our best. I promise we’ll take good care of her while she’s here.”

“I know you will, Steve.”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I hung up and went to find Mrs. Spencer. I told her what I thought and what Jennifer’s mom had said.

“She looks a lot like Melanie did right before the incident.”

That was a benign way to say ‘right before Melanie tried to kill herself’. Swell, I thought, but I was glad I wasn’t the only one seeing that.

“I know,” I replied. “That has me really concerned about talking to her about anything. I don’t want to trigger a reaction, if you know what I mean.”

“I do. We’re lucky Melanie is still with us. It was closer than you know.”

“I have a pretty good idea. I know things weren’t said, but it was clear how close a call it was. I hadn’t planned on staying here, but I might just do that. I might want a sleeping bag, or an air mattress, though.”

“Melanie told me that you and Jennifer were really on the outs. We have an air mattress if you want it.”

“Thanks. And yes, we have serious problems to deal with. I’ll decide in a bit if I’m staying. I have to run Stephanie home at some point. When I do, I can grab a bag if I need to.”

About ten minutes later, the girls came downstairs and Jennifer looked a lot better. She was wearing faded jeans and a yellow t-shirt. Her hair was washed and neatly combed and the evidence of crying was mostly gone, but her eyes were still a bit red and puffy.

“Hi, Jennifer,” I said. “Feeling better?”

“A bit.”

“I called your mom and told her you’d arrived safely. She’s really concerned about you, and so am I.”

Melanie brought a plate of fruit and a plate of cheese to the living room. Jennifer didn’t take any, and Melanie and I exchanged a quick look.

“Jennifer, you need to eat something,” Melanie said gently. “Please.”

Jennifer took a couple of apple slices and some grapes and slowly ate them. Melanie got her a glass of apple juice and the rest of us had Cokes. I was even more convinced of the bad shape Jennifer was in, because she’d always had a very healthy appetite.

“Jennifer, I need to run Stephanie home. I’ll be back in less than half-an-hour.”

“We’ll take care of her, Steve,” Melanie reassured me.

Stephanie and I headed out to the car and headed home.

“Oh my God!” Stephanie burst out, stifling a sob. “She looks like hell!”

“I know,” I said. “I talked to her mom. She’s been like this for a couple of months. She won’t see a counselor, either. I have to get her to at least do that. Mrs. Spencer noticed, of course, and compared Jennifer to how Melanie was when she crashed her car.”

“On no!” Stephanie wailed. “Steve! You can’t let that happen! Not Jennifer!”

“I agree, Squirt. Trust me. But you and I both know only Jennifer can really do anything about that. All I can do is talk to her and encourage her to get help. How was she when she was with you and Melanie?”

“She hardly said anything. She was like a zombie, I guess. We helped her get undressed and Melanie helped her in the shower. I didn’t feel right doing that.”

“I can understand. This whole situation has changed. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. All I can do is start talking to her. I’m going to pack a bag and go back. I can’t leave her alone. But I asked Mrs. Spencer for an air mattress because I don’t want to imply anything at all to Jennifer.”

“That’s probably a good idea. I’m scared, Big Brother!”

“You and me both, Squirt,” I sighed. “You and me both.”

When we arrived home, I went to tell Dad what had happened. Unfortunately, my mom was in the room, but I just didn’t give a damn. When I finished explaining to Dad that I was going to stay at the Spencers’, Mom started in on me.

“What is it with that family? They let you just bring any girl there and have sex with them? I can’t believe that woman goes to our church!”

“Let she who is without sin cast the first stone,” I replied smoothly. “I do believe I’ve heard that somewhere.”

“Don’t start with me, Stephen.”

“I didn’t. You did. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go help take care of my friend who clearly needs my help. All I can say is that it’s a good thing she’s not depending on you. You would throw her to the wolves! It’s just disgusting how holier-than-thou you are. You would have me cut off every friend who ever did something you didn’t like, even if it meant them dying. I can’t live like that and I don’t know how you can, either. Good night.”

I turned on my heel and walked out. I was past caring at this point. It was August 1st, and I had an apartment of my own. I could leave home tonight and never come back if necessary. I went to my room and quickly packed an overnight bag. Stephanie came into my room just as I finished.

“Mom had a complete hissy fit after you left. Dad told her to be quiet!”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I heard what you said to her. You’re right, too. You care for your friends too much to act like she wants. You’re doing the right thing, Big Brother. Go and help Jennifer.”

She hugged me tight and kissed my cheek.

“I’ll do my best,” I promised.

I grabbed my bag and headed back to Melanie’s house. I walked in to find Melanie and Jennifer sitting on the couch. Jennifer still looked sad, but she wasn’t crying. I dropped my bag by the couch and sat down with the girls.

“Jennifer, I’ll be here as much as you need me to.”

“Thanks,” she said softly, almost in a whisper.

“Do you want to talk tonight? Or do you want to wait until tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow. I’m really tired right now. I think maybe I should just go to bed.”

“I put the air mattress on the floor of Jennifer’s room,” Mrs. Spencer said, “but if you want, we could move it to the basement.”

“Jennifer?” I asked.

“It’s OK. I’m going up now.”

“I’ll be up in a little while, OK?”

“Yes,” Jennifer said.

Jennifer went up the stairs and Melanie, her parents, and I talked for a bit about her mental state. We all agreed that she was really in a bad way and that she did need some help. I wanted to talk with Melanie privately, so we said goodnight and headed upstairs.

“How about a sauna?” Melanie asked.

“If you promise to completely behave, Melanie. I mean that.”

“Yes, I promise,” she said. “This is not a time to fool around.”

She turned on the sauna, got some towels and robes, and we got undressed. Once the sauna had come up to temperature, Melanie ladled some water on the rocks.

“Melanie,” I said as the steam hissed away from the rocks, “the state she’s in is like you that day. You know the one I mean.”

“The day I tried to kill myself. Yes. I saw that the minute she walked in. I honestly didn’t think it was Jennifer at first. She’s never, ever looked like that.”

At least she could say it. That was a good thing, in my opinion. And probably a result of the therapy. I had trouble saying it bluntly to anyone except my little sister.

“It freaked Stephanie out and I sure wasn’t feeling calm about it, though I did my best to put up a calm front. Stephanie said you helped Jennifer in the shower?”

“Yeah, she was so out of it that I helped her undress, then washed her hair for her. Stephanie brushed it, by the way. Jennifer, just more or less let us do it.”

I considered the situation and had another concern.

“Do you think she’s using drugs?” I asked. “Maybe drinking?”

“It’s possible,” Melanie replied. “I didn’t see anything like needle marks or bruises or anything when I helped her with the shower. But booze wouldn’t show up like that. I hate to say this, but check her bag. And I’ll make sure my mom locks our liquor cabinet.”

“God, Melanie, how did this happen?”

“The same way it did to me. You make a series of bad decisions, then you make a doozy. And you think there’s no way to fix it so you don’t want to live. I know, I’ve been there.”

“And Jennifer and I were both part of that entire mess. Now I’m part of one with Jennifer. I can’t shake the feeling that this is my fault.”

“No way, Steve! You’ve always been honest with her. She’s the one who’s been deceitful and secret. If she couldn’t handle Karin, she should have just told you. I know you well enough that if she had talked to you about it, you guys would have worked through it. Maybe you wouldn’t end up together, but I’m pretty sure that back in January, if push came to shove, you would have chosen Jennifer. Just like if someone made you decide right this second, you would choose Kara.”

I sighed, “Am I that transparent?”

“Yes. And Karin noticed, too. She told you she felt she couldn’t compete with the other girls. But it’s really Kara. Hell, everyone knows that, Steve! Bethany, Karin, Joyce, me, your little sister, and most importantly, Kara. And, if you let down your guard for a moment, you’ll admit it as well. I’m not talking about ten months from now, I mean right this very second. Am I right?”

I sighed again, “Of course. You’ve always been able to read me really well.”

“It’s easy with you,” Melanie replied with just a hint of a smirk. “You wear your heart on your sleeve, you tell people the truth and even when you have to be cagey, you do it in a way that pretty much reveals your thinking. I talked to Karin. She’s conflicted, just like Bethany is. I think she’ll wait until June to make a decision, but, and I’m going to be blunt here — if you come home without making some kind of commitment to Karin, she’s going to move on.”

“I know. I wish I had a fucking crystal ball to know that everything is going to work out with Kara. There’s just so many ways it can go wrong.”

“Well no shit! That’s true of every relationship! Look at me and Pete. How many times did I screw that up? If you hadn’t been there to set me straight, Pete and I wouldn’t be together. Of course, if that were the case...”

“Melanie!” I said gently, interrupting her.

“Sorry. Anyway, that’s also why Jennifer is so depressed. She figured out that she had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, like you said. She’d won, and she threw it all away because she couldn’t believe you would choose her. She’s insecure and always has been. I think she’s called herself a ‘scared little girl’ when talking to you.”

“Yes, she has,” I agreed. “So, how do we help her?” I asked.

“Well, you could go in there and tell her you love her, make love to her, and buy her an engagement ring. But if you do that, you’re heading for a massive disaster down the road. That short-term fix would blow up in your face, destroy Kara, and leave you adrift. I think you know that, too. Seriously, all you can do is talk to her and be her friend.”

“That was my plan — the talking and being her friend, not the getting engaged thing. I don’t feel like that about Jennifer any more. And I have to make sure she knows that.”

“She does know it. That’s why she’s so depressed. That’s what we have to try to fix.”

“How the hell do I fix THAT? I can’t change how I feel about her.”

“I know,” Melanie said. “All you can do now is try to be her friend. You did that for me.”

“I don’t know if I can do for her what I did for you. And I don’t think you can do for Jennifer what she did for you.”

“Do your best. That’s all I can say.”

We left the sauna, and each took a quick shower. I grabbed my clothes and headed to Jennifer’s room. It was dark except for a dim night light. Jennifer was in the bed, curled up. I got a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from my bag. I slipped the shorts on, then took off the robe and put on the t-shirt. I looked for Jennifer’s bag and saw it in the corner. I quietly unzipped it and felt around. Unfortunately, I found what I was looking for.

Damn it Jennifer, I thought as I pulled the bottle out of the bag. I was happy to see the vodka bottle was still sealed, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. I wasn’t sure what to do. I grabbed the bottle and my address book out of my pants pocket and went downstairs. I asked Mrs. Spencer if I could use the phone and receive a call back, even though it might be late.

I dialed the emergency number that Doctor Mercer had given me. I gave my name and number and said it was an emergency. They promised that I would get a call back within an hour. I handed the bottle to Mrs. Spencer and told her that I’d taken it from Jennifer’s bag. She immediately became even more concerned than she had been earlier. I told her who I’d called and why. We sat down to wait for the call and Melanie came down stairs. I told her what I’d found.

“Oh hell, this is way worse than we thought. Did you call her mom?”

“No. I called Doctor Mercer’s service. They are going to page her. She’ll call back soon.”

“We have something called ‘Call Waiting’ that lets you receive a call, even if you’re on the phone. You’ll hear a tone and if you press the switch hook, it changes to the other call.”

“Now that’s totally cool!” I said.

I dialed Jennifer’s house in Seattle and spoke with her mom. I told her what I’d found and that I’d called my psychologist for help. She was shocked and said she’d check Jennifer’s room for alcohol and drugs. I told her I’d call her back as soon as I talked to Doctor Mercer. We hung up and a few minutes later, the phone rang.

I quickly explained the situation to Doctor Mercer. She asked a number of questions. I told her that I hadn’t smelled any alcohol on Jennifer and that she had not seemed drunk, just depressed. Doctor Mercer said that seeming drunk wasn’t really an indicator, and that everything depended on how much she drank and how often. She couldn’t say anything for sure, of course, and said Jennifer needed to see a doctor and a therapist as soon as possible. I told her I’d do what I could. Doctor Mercer told me the signs to look for if I was keeping the bottle and said that if needed, we could take Jennifer to the emergency room at Clermont Hospital and then call her.