Chapter 20: A Bit of Clarity, Part II

July 1981, Milford, Ohio

“If she told you that Joyce and I were the ones to decide if what you had done was ‘misbehaving’,” she made air quotes when she said that, “then she’s basically told you that it’s OK. Neither Joyce nor I would consider that a bad thing.”

“But she said something specific about that.”

“Did she tell you not to?”

“No, it was more like a statement that I was going to do it, and she sounded sad when she said it.”

“Then, that fits. She knows it has to happen, just like with Karin. When you get those out of the way, she’ll know that she has you. That makes me a bit sad, of course, but you know how I feel and what I think will happen in the long run.”

“But I don’t WANT to have sex with Jennifer,” I protested.

“Sure you do. Didn’t you say there was a difference between what you want and what you should do?”

“I did. But honestly, Jennifer and I still have issues. She still should have talked to me about this!”

“Yes, she should have. And you should’ve quit trying to have your cake and eat it, too. But you didn’t. You did it to Jennifer, then you did it to Kara. In fact, you’re still doing it to Kara. But events have been set in motion, so you’ll have to work through them. Of course, you could commit to Kara now and tell Karin not to come and tell Jennifer not to come.”

“Do you think I should do that?” I asked.

“Do I? No. But it’s not up to me. It’s up to you. I think you need to be with both of those girls, decide you don’t want them, and then make your commitment to Kara. And if you do that, then you have to tell both Jennifer and Karin what the situation is. I suppose, given the circumstances, you could wait until after you come back from Sweden next year, which, in the end, is probably the best idea.”

“That’s pretty much when Kara and I can be together in any way, other than sitting in her living room.”

“Then have your torrid affair with Karin, give Jennifer the goodbye fuck of all goodbye fucks, and spend your Freshman year of college with Elyse, Kathy, and me. Then in July of next year, ask Kara to marry you. That’s what you want. You know it, I know it, and, most importantly, she knows it. And that’s why you need to do what I just said. You’ll be able to make your commitment to Kara in good conscience.”

“And you? What happens with you?”

“I’ve said it before — something will come between the two of you and you won’t be able to resolve it. Most likely religion. I’m going to date while I’m in Madison, but I think you and Kara will fall apart like you and Jennifer, and when that happens, you’ll call me.”

“OK, Cassandra. You were right about Jennifer, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be right about Kara.”

“Only time will tell. I’m pretty sure Joyce has the same outlook, given what you’ve said.”

“She does.”

“I’d wager Elyse agrees with the two of us. Your sister isn’t sure. She’s starting to really like Kara, but I know she’d be fine with me. Maybe we could have a double-wedding?” she giggled.

“Well, I’ve seen Ed following my sister around like a lost puppy and she’s eating it up, so you never know!” I said with a grin. “Now I need to go find Melanie before we eat.”

Bethany went back to Larry, and I walked across the back yard to where Melanie was standing with Pete. She narrowed her eyes and gave me a very hard look.

“Pete, I’d like to borrow your fiancée for a few minutes, if you don’t mind. We’ll stay where you can see us!” I smirked.

Pete laughed, “I trust you. Don’t worry about it!”

I took Melanie’s hand and led her to a quiet corner of the yard.

“You knew I was just teasing. Why did you get so upset?”

“Because it’s not fair!” she whined.

“Melanie Marie Spencer! You are engaged to Pete. He’s one of my closest guy friends. I know he won’t do it. That’s the end of it.”

“I could get him to say yes. I know I can.”

“He’d be reluctant,” I said, “and you know what I think about that. But, I’ll tell you what. I made an offer to Mary for a threesome with her and Josh. If she agreed to have anal sex with me, I’d do what she wanted. It turns out she wasn’t THAT interested in a threesome to let me do it.”

“You KNOW I’d do that, Steve! In a heartbeat!” she smirked. “Besides, Mary is missing out if she wants a threesome, but won’t do it in the butt!”

“You don’t get that same offer. No way. Your offer is this — you have a threesome with Pete and a girl of your choice and Pete gets to do anything he wants with her. Then I’ll give you your threesome if Pete consents.”

“No way!” she said vehemently. “Never!”

“Melanie Marie Spencer! Twice now I’ve suggested that you give Pete the same freedom and the same fantasy that you want and you get really upset. What’s going on? Why is it OK for you to French kiss me but you freak out if I suggest for him to kiss someone else? You didn’t use to be like this. I remember when Michelle was here, you wanted to trade! Heck, you broke up with Pete over that whole situation.”

“He just can’t. No.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Something is seriously wrong here. The last time I saw you in a state like this, you damn near killed yourself by driving your car into a tree. Talk to me!”

“What if he likes her better?” she asked softly.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! You always liked sex with me better than with Pete, but you still got engaged to him and you’re going to marry him. I seriously doubt a casual screw in a threesome is going to make Pete break up with you.”

“But I broke up with him! You just reminded me.”

“Yes, you did,” I said gently. “But Pete’s not you. You aren’t the same girl as you were back then, either. My advice? Just drop it. All of it. Kiss me if you have to, but forget us ever getting together in any way. In fact, just drop those fantasies that Pete won’t or can’t fulfill. Be happy. Hell, there’s a good chance I’m going to marry Kara, and she’s the least adventurous, least wild girl I know! If you think your sex life is ‘boring’,” I made air quotes, “what do you think my sex life with Kara would be?

“You would call it boring as hell! I sure wouldn’t! And do you know why? Because I love her. She does what she’s comfortable with. I have my orgasms and I give her orgasms. I bet you anything you care to wager that you make Pete cum and he makes you cum. Fine, he won’t stick his dick in one of your holes, but I bet it goes in the other two repeatedly. And I am sure his tongue goes into your pussy. If the man gives you orgasms, and you love him, then what the fuck are you whining about?” I demanded, showing my annoyance.

Melanie looked at the ground, “But I want my fantasies!”

“And I want a million dollars and a threesome with Charlene Tilton and Victoria Principal! Get over it, Melanie. Go back to Pete and love him. That’s what you need to do.”

“You’re going to do that with Tracey and Marty, aren’t you?” she said accusingly.

“First off, that’s my business, not yours. Second, no, I am not. I told Tracey that just before I talked to you. And thirdly, if I should ever change my mind, you will never know about it.”

“Fine, Steve! Fine!” she growled at me.

“Jesus, Melanie! Relax. You know that’s not my thing. I’ve never had an interest. And guess what? Neither has Pete. You know I’ll push the limits in the right circumstances, but this is one limit I’m not interested in pushing. Remember, you convinced me to have anal sex, to walk in front of your parents naked, and do a whole bunch of other stuff. Neither Pete nor I are interested in a threesome together with you.

“You know what? If it means THAT much to you, call off the God-damned wedding and go find two guys at Ohio State. I bet you can find them in the first fraternity you walk into. They’ll give you your good fucking, but you’ll be really fucked then, because you’ll lose Pete and you’ll lose a bunch of your friends. It’s up to you. Is having a dick in your butt and in your pussy at the same time worth losing Pete? And me? And probably Bethany, Larry, and Stephanie?”

Melanie looked at the ground for a moment. “No,” she said softly.

“Exactly. Now, give me a hug and go back to your fiancé.”

She hugged me, then, to no surprise at all, gave me a sloppy French kiss. She walked back over to Pete and put her arm around him. He looked over at me and nodded, and I went back to Bethany, who was with Kathy Will.

“What was that about?” Kathy asked.

“Just Melanie being Melanie. She’s OK now that I basically beat her over the head with a stick.”

Bethany giggled, “She STILL wants that threesome with you and Pete, and in the worst possible way!”

“Yep. But it’s not happening. Pete’s not going to go for it and I’m not particularly interested, either.”

Kathy laughed, “Oh, this is rich. For all the stuff you’ve done, for the stuff you watched me and Bethany do, for all the stuff the three of us have done together, you won’t do THAT? Jesus Steve, you have some really odd hang-ups!”

I could tell she was being playful and teasing, so I decided to tease right back.

“Kathy, I don’t remember seeing you stick your tongue in Bethany’s pussy! Now, when I see THAT, maybe I’ll change my mind.” I chuckled.

“Touché,” she said with a smile.

“Darn!” Bethany said, trying, but failing, to keep a straight face.

“You didn’t do much better, Miss Krajick,” I chuckled. “One kiss is NOT eating pussy!”

“OK, OK. Stop. We all have our limits! You win!” Bethany laughed.

“Well, now we know what he wants!” Kathy giggled. “But I think he’s going to be just as disappointed as Melanie.”

“I agree!” Bethany said.

“Oh, poo!” I said, laughing hard.

Both girls almost doubled over from laughing.

Melanie came over just then and apologized and asked me to help Pete work the grill. Pete and I grilled burgers and brats for everyone and when we’d all had our fill, we sat around drinking Cokes and talking until it was time to head to downtown Cincinnati for the fireworks.

Ed and Stephanie rode with Bethany and me into the city where we stood on the plaza between Riverfront Stadium and Riverfront Coliseum to watch the fireworks launched from a barge on the river. I noticed Ed with his arm around Stephanie and nudged Bethany to look. She smiled, and I stepped behind her and put my arms around her and the last of the fireworks exploded over our heads.

We walked back to our car and when we dropped Ed and Bethany at home, Stephanie and I each gave our dates a deep French kiss and a hug, then got back into the car to head home. At home, we went to my room to talk.

“Time for our own personal fireworks?” Stephanie teased.

“You’re just not going to let up on that one, are you, Squirt?”

“You do know how much fun I’m going to have teasing you, right? Remember, you decided to end this, not me!”

“I know, I know. But you know it was for the right reasons. On your birthday, I’ll leave you unconscious. That is, if you still want that.”

“You know I will, Big Brother. And I bet that’s the last time, too. If you give Kara an engagement ring next Summer, that’s the end.”

“It would be,” I acknowledged. “If that last night in Chicago was the last time, I’m fine. I agreed to your condition because I love you.”

“Well, there is one other exception. Are you going to have sex with Jennifer?”

“I wish everyone would just quit asking that question!” I spluttered.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize it was that touchy of a subject.”

“Kara is worried that I will. You are worried that I won’t. Joyce and Bethany think I should. Jennifer wants to. I don’t,” I sighed.

“No, you want to; you just don’t think you should. Or rather, the physical attraction is there, but you have real issues with her.”

“I guess. I’m just afraid of what will happen.”

“The connection.”

“Yes. I’m afraid it’s there and it will mask all the problems. It’ll make things seem like they are better than they actually are. I don’t think Jennifer and I are meant for each other.”

“Will you test a theory with me, Big Brother?”

“That depends on what it is, Squirt.”

“I want you to kiss me, softly. A French kiss. This is NOT an attempt to seduce you. I want to see something.”

“I think I know what your angle is, but I didn’t feel the connection with Jennifer after she confessed to me the first time.”

“I remember. But I want to see what happens.”

I pulled her into my arms and gave her a soft French kiss, our tongues gently dancing around each other. I instantly became hard. But that was it. I felt nothing else. I could tell that she didn’t either.

“That’s what I thought,” Stephanie said. “I felt you start to get hard, and I got a little wet, but otherwise, it was just a kiss.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked.

“That the connection can go away. At least with regards to sex. We still have a connection, but it’s different. In fact, I need to tell you something, honestly.”

“Sure.”

“I’m not attracted to you like I was before. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re handsome, and my body is reacting to a dreamy guy kissing me, but it’s not the same. How about you?”

“I was afraid to tell you that,” I admitted. “But it’s true. You’re smoking hot and I have a physical desire for you, but it’s not the same.”

“Interesting. I wish we’d done that test this morning before I went with Ed. I think that might be what broke the spell, so to speak. Maybe Jennifer was right after all.”

“And if my connection with you is broken, or changed, I guess is a better word, then it’s going to be changed with Jennifer because of that whole surrogate thing.”

“Yes. I think you two will fuck each other silly when she’s here, hopefully with me involved, but I think it’s over between you two for good. You were right, Big Brother, everything did depend on me.”

“Interesting,” I said. “So, about your birthday?”

“Good question. Can I change my request?”

“Maybe. It depends on what it is.”

“Well, I still want to be with you and Jennifer, of course. But, rather than my birthday, the night before you propose to Kara, I want you to fuck me unconscious. Sort of a final act. If that takes years before it happens, that’s fine. But otherwise, I just don’t have the desire.”

“OK. I’ll accept that modification with one caveat. You have to keep the teasing to a reasonable level, Squirt.”

“I will, Big Brother. I promise! Now, hug me again, please.”

I pulled her into a tight hug and stroked her hair. It felt like I was hugging my sister, not my lover. My body didn’t react as it had even just the few minutes before, and I was glad. I released her and kissed her forehead, and she went to her room. I sat down to write in my journal and contemplated the events of the past couple of days. I was truly getting more clarity about the future.

I had not expected to be where I was right now. A year ago, when I had arrived from Sweden and walked off the plane, I had expected to spend my Senior year with Jennifer and then start our life together in Chicago. Everyone else would have fallen by the wayside. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I had met Kara and my entire life was turned upside down. Now, instead of Jennifer, it was Kara I was looking forward to being with me in Chicago, starting our life together.