Chapter 19: A Bit of Clarity, Part I

July 1981, Milford, Ohio

I was home fairly early, so I decided to call Bethany right away. I greeted Stephanie and told her I’d talk to her after I made a quick phone call. I called Bethany to see if she was available and she was. I told her that I’d pick her up in twenty minutes and that I’d most likely have Stephanie with me. I had something important to talk to her about and needed their advice. I hung up and went to find my dad and got approval for Stephanie to go along. We picked up Bethany and got a booth at Frisch’s.

“So what’s happened with Joyce that you needed to see us so quickly, Steve?” Bethany asked.

“A bit of clarity, I think. Joyce helped me see my part in Jennifer’s behavior.”

“What? Your part? What did you do?” Bethany asked. “You were honest with her!”

“That’s not it. Jennifer told me the reason. I just didn’t look carefully enough at what I was doing. Think carefully about what happened with Jennifer. She and I were friends. She knew all about Birgit. During Freshman year, at a chess meet, Jennifer decided she wanted to play a trick on Becky and came up with the whole ‘strip chess’ idea. That kind of backfired on Jennifer because I started to fall for Becky. Jennifer and I became lovers, and she insisted that I be with Becky. I admitted to Jennifer that I was in love with Becky and she broke up with me.”

“Yeah, I remember all of that. She didn’t talk to you from then until Birgit died.”

“Exactly. Jennifer came back to me because she knew I needed her. Becky was still kind of in the background. Jennifer and I struggled at points during that year with lots of ups and downs. Then I got Becky pregnant. That ended up resolving itself, but in the meantime, I met Karin. By the time I came home, I had been with Karin as Birgit. At some point, Stephanie said something to Jennifer about Karin and that’s more or less what forced the issue.”

“I said I was sorry about that, Big Brother.”

“I know, Squirt, and I forgave you. I’m not trying to pin this on you. It’s really on me. Think about everything from Jennifer’s perspective. I kept telling her I loved her and was thinking about a future with her, but at every turn there was someone else — first Birgit, then Becky, then Karin. Jennifer has never, ever had my full love and attention. Not like Bethany did or Kara did.”

“Wait!” Bethany protested. “Jennifer was always a factor when you were with me, Steve.”

“Was she? Really? With Birgit, Becky, and Karin, Jennifer saw girls she could, and probably would, lose to. Did you think you would lose to Jennifer? Ever?”

“No, I guess not. At least not once she moved away, and I told you my true feelings.”

“So we have a frightened girl, who has already screwed up by not telling me about moving to Seattle, who thinks that she’s now competing not only with Karin, but Karin and Birgit together. What did she tell me her reason was for deciding to go to Stanford and not telling me?”

“Karin! Oh my God! Steve! She said she was afraid she’d lose you to Karin,” Stephanie said.

“Exactly. And when was I supposed to see Karin? A year from now. Jennifer couldn’t stand the idea of living with me for a year and then losing me to Karin. If she’d told me in advance, I’d have tried to convince her that she was wrong and I might have succeeded. And she knew that. But even with my assurance, the Becky situation showed her what could happen. What if I fell in love with Karin despite anything I said?”

“Jennifer always was insecure, that’s very true,” Bethany said. “And I can totally see you deciding to go to Stanford and then Jennifer would either have to refuse to live with you or risk the situation. So instead, she decided that the best solution was to force a delay until after you saw Karin. But she miscalculated in how you would respond.”

“She did. I bear at least part of the responsibility for this mess. The problem is that it doesn’t help.”

“Why not? It means you and Jennifer can put things right!” Stephanie said.

“But now Kara’s in the picture, Squirt. The only reason she’s not my steady girlfriend right now is because Jennifer and I were going to be together in Chicago. If I had to pick between them right at this moment, I’d choose Kara.”

“What?!” Stephanie gasped, a look of anguish on her face.

“I think that’s obvious,” Bethany said. “That’s been clear since January, even before Jennifer told him about going to Stanford. He was going to Chicago to be with Jennifer because he promised to do it, and because he felt he owed it to her, given everything that they’ve been through together and because of their connection. But, in the end, he loves Kara more than any girl he’s ever known, except two.”

“Two? You and Birgit?” Stephanie asked.

Bethany laughed, “No, silly, you and Birgit! Jennifer comes in a distant fourth at best. I think, based on everything he’s ever said, I’m actually in fourth. Jennifer is fifth, or possibly sixth, depending on things with Karin. In fact, only Karin could displace Kara at this point, and I don’t think that will happen.”

“You’ve given up?” Stephanie said.

“Oh no, not at all. A lot can change in four years. Steve promised me that we’d talk when he finished college and see where we are. I can’t ask for anything more than that. I’ll date while I’m in Madison, Steve will do whatever he feels is right in Chicago, whether that’s dating, having Kara move in with him, or whatever. We’ll see each other, fuck if he’s not exclusive, and then when we graduate, we’ll figure it out.”

“What if you meet someone else?” Stephanie asked.

“Then I do. If there’s a better guy out there than Steve for me, don’t you think I want to meet him?” Bethany said with a smile.

“Do you think there is?”

“No. But that doesn’t mean I’m right. Think about Steve’s situation with Jennifer, Kara, Karin, and me. His idea of who is best has changed several times. And that doesn’t even count Birgit.”

“Mind if I butt in?” I asked with a grin. “I need to talk to Jennifer and apologize to her. I think this means for sure we can repair our friendship. Beyond that? Well, you heard what I said about choosing. But there is one fly in the ointment. Joyce thinks that Jennifer and I will end up making love because of who we are and because of our past. Sort of a cathartic act to put everything behind us and move on.”

“Yes!” Stephanie exclaimed.

I knew what she was thinking, but I was pretty sure Bethany didn’t. That was one topic I’d skirt!

“Stephanie, I’m not getting back together with her. That’s not what I’m saying. But, if it does happen, it’s a huge problem between me and Kara.”

“So don’t do it,” Bethany said.

“Do you really think it’s that easy? Given our history? Given our connection? Given that I’m not steady with anyone? And given that I’m at least partly responsible for what happened?”

“I guess not. If I look at the situation with Becky, I can see the problem. And that means it might well be best if you do it. Joyce may be on to something. Have you told Kara yet?”

“No. I’m going to her house for dinner on Monday, but I’ll call her tomorrow. We’ll have to have a long talk and I’ll figure out what to do after she and I talk.”

“And what about Karin?”

“I owe her the chance to find out. We’ll have about ten days together. I’ll know if there’s anything there or not. It really does seem that I’ll have some clarity before I head to Chicago. Unfortunately, none of the girls will actually be in Chicago. Bethany, you’ll be in Madison, Kara stays here, and Karin will be back in Sweden.”

“I’d say you’ll have a year of relative freedom. Can you handle that without getting out of control and obsessing over what will happen in a year?”

“I think so. I’ll have Elyse and Kathy to keep me on the straight and narrow, plus I imagine I’ll have to work harder in college classes than I did in High School. Well, except with regard to how hard I had to work on Spanish.”

We finished our tea and, after dropping Bethany at her house, Stephanie and I headed home. She didn’t say anything until she followed me into my room.

“Does that mean the three of us can be together?” she asked softly.

“Relax, Squirt. One thing at a time. I need to talk to Jennifer and then I’ll need to talk to Kara. Even after that, I can’t promise you anything.”

“OK. Go ahead and call Jennifer. What time are we picking up Ed and Bethany?”

“11:30am. And then we’ll head to Melanie’s party. Did you get the OK from Dad to go?”

“Yeah. Are we heading into Cincinnati to see the Fireworks?”

“That’s the plan. We’ll take Bethany and Ed with us. So he’ll get fireworks twice!” I smirked.

“We’ll see if he’s a good boy or not,” Stephanie grinned.

“I do not envy him that part of the relationship. Like I said, he’ll gouge his own eyes out if you ask him to.”

“Yes, he will. He’ll do everything I say. Like a good boy. Then he can have his treats.”

Holy shit. She was going to be a terror! And the thing was, once he got a sample of her charms, he would do anything she said. She left the room, and I dialed Jennifer’s number.

“Steve? I thought I was supposed to call you!”

“Something happened today, and I realized that I’m at least partially to blame for what happened between us. I owe you a major apology.”

“For what?” Jennifer asked. “I deceived you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes, I did,” I said. “You told me the reason, and I didn’t figure it out. Joyce helped me figure it out today. You told me you were afraid that I would leave you for Karin. And that was a totally reasonable fear. I left you hanging, Jennifer. I told you I wanted to live with you and have a future together, but Karin was looming over us. Just like Birgit. Just like Becky. I failed you, Jennifer. I’m sorry.”

She started sobbing, “I was so afraid. And I knew that if I told you that you’d say whatever you thought I needed to hear, but it wouldn’t matter. You would still go see her. And if I was living with you and you decided on her, what would I do? It was better to be away from you and wait to see what happened. I knew if I told you about Stanford, you’d change your plans and come here and then it would be the same as if we were in Chicago. Maybe if I’d been there for Senior year, it would have been fine. But I was so far away from you!”

“I know Jennifer. I blew it. You blew it. Now all we can do is try to pick up the pieces and see what’s left.”

Jennifer took a moment to control her sobbing.

“You mean that? That there’s a chance for us?” she asked hopefully.

“I mean, I want to be your friend. Beyond that, we’ll have to see. Come see me. We’ll work through it and figure things out. I can only promise to be your friend right now, but I do promise to be that.”

“So it’s still ruined?”

“It’s complicated. Come see me. We’ll do what it takes to figure out a way forward. Before, I wasn’t sure I could be a close friend. Now that I’ve figured out that I’m partly to blame, I feel guilty for wrecking our friendship. We started as friends, Jen, let’s start there.”

“I’ll bring my chess board!” she giggled.

“One step at a time. We were friends a long time before that happened.”

“A girl can hope. Besides, it’s been almost a year. I have certain needs!” she giggled.

“No promises, except that we’ll talk. We need to reconnect. Friends?”

“Friends!”

“See you in a month, Jen,” I said.

We said our goodbyes and hung up. It was too late to call Kara, but I’d call her in the morning. I wrote in my journal, trying to make sense of the evening. Life was complicated, but I was learning. Things hadn’t really changed that much, despite being seemingly much more complicated. In reality, everything was simply advancing much faster than I had thought it would. I would have much more clarity by the end of August — or so I hoped.

I went to bed wondering what else had I done — or not done — that had messed up my relationships that I still didn’t know! For a moment, the thought passed through my mind that if I were to live a ‘Holy Roller’ life, all mapped out for me, or worse, one chosen by my mom, I’d avoid all these complications. And just as quickly, that horrific thought passed! It would have been far worse to have repressed all those feelings I’d had, to have missed all the experiences I’d had, and to simply have let the world pass me by.

On Sunday morning, Stephanie and I swam and ate breakfast, and then she headed to church. I wasn’t sure what time Kara went to church, but I thought it was 9:00am and which meant that she should be home by 11:00am. A few minutes past 11:00am I called her house, but the phone rang ten times without answer. I’d have to find time to call later. I was sure that Melanie would let me use her extension if I asked.

Stephanie arrived home, and we both got ready for our double-date. I reminded her to bring a swimsuit because we’d need to be dressed in the sauna, given the people who would be at the party. I didn’t have a problem with being naked with anyone there, but Stephanie might, and others might have a problem with it. I just didn’t know for sure. I put on my usual slacks and polo and Stephanie put on faded jeans and a short-sleeve blouse with the top three buttons unbuttoned. She looked very sexy, and I told her so.

“You had your chance, Big Brother! Of course, if YOU are a good boy, you might get it again on my birthday!” she giggled.

“And if you’re a good girl, I’ll leave you unconscious!” I chuckled.

We headed over to the Krajicks’ house and, as expected, Ed’s eyes just about popped out of his head. I chuckled and was interested in seeing what he would look like in a few hours. Dazed was the word that came to me. Bethany just rolled her eyes. She wasn’t as amused by this as I was. We had lunch at Frisch’s and when we finished, I handed Stephanie the keys to the apartment.

“Have fun, Squirt,” I whispered in her ear.

“Let’s go for a walk, Ed,” Stephanie said, taking his hand.

“See you guys back here in a couple of hours,” I said.

They walked down the street and turned up the hill, heading towards the apartment.

“So, what should we do, Bethany? We can’t go to the apartment.”

“Let’s go bowling. We should have enough time to bowl a couple of games.”

We headed to Milford Lanes and bowled a couple of games. It had been quite some time since I had bowled regularly, so neither of us did very well, but we had a good time. We headed back to Frisch’s and sat on a bench outside to wait for our siblings.

I wondered how I’d feel when I actually saw Stephanie. It was one thing to tease and joke about it; it was another thing for her to actually have sex with someone besides me. I knew it had to happen, and I’d encouraged it, but she was, after all, my little sister. I felt that Ed would be good for her, and I knew him well enough that I didn’t think he’d do anything to hurt her. All in all, I felt pretty good about the situation. After all, it could have been Jimmie Henderson.